So here we are again...I guess it must be fate....
Blogging from my phone.....cuz the fucking cable modem has fallen down AGAIN.

This is a serious problem for me. It was up until about 20mins ago. Should have done my class then. Sigh. I don't know of any 24hr computer labs in my area.

Heat index was something like 112 today. I drove to work even tho it's close and it was light out. I didn't want to walk even that short 2 blocks to work. No way. Hope Mother Earth can forgive me.

Bored as hell right now, basically locked outta my room by the heat, stuck down here, should work on my essay or something.

Got into the chocolate. Bad bad me. This is NOT conducive to my weightloss goals.
Fuuuuuuuck.

I have more or less "moved out" of my room. Toothbrush etc in mom's bathroom, just 1 toothpaste tho, the fun ones including the cupcake one are still upstairs. I got the minimum stuff down here, my vitamins and protein powders and caffeine candies.

And I got into the chocolate anyway. Sigh.

Should venture into the desert and find my razor....can't wear a skirt with hairy legs. Well I could but it would be kinda gross ^_^
I also really need my nail kit. Got a majorly painful hangnail.

Been napping on mom's bed or in the recliner. Right now it would be recliner cuz she's using her bed. I'm really hating this weather. I want my floor back! I got plans for my floor! Was looking at desks last time I was at walmart. I am finally thinking about emptying and donating the desk I've had since 5th grade and getting a desk that actually fits me.

Still waiting on the cable. I need to start keeping track of this stuff..when it falls and for how long.
Blah...guess I'll venture into the upstairs oven. Probably kill more spiders. What is it about the heat that attracts spiders to my room?? Ewwwwwa1

Take it out on the shower door!

Ughn..... i am HATING this hot spell! It's a damn oven outside and a double oven in my attic room! I've basically been staying downstairs where the baby window a/c units make it possible to breathe. I've been sleeping/napping through the day and staying up all night. My room doesn't get bearable again til something like 3am, and I try to get a little bit done up there.

i feel like I'm hibernating or something... just waiting for something to happen.. or for nothing to happen and the world to pass me by. Very annoyed.

I got bags and bags of makeup and perfumes down on the ground floor so the heat doesn't ruin them.

ugh... if i were skinny the heat would probably bother me less.... but lipsticks and perfumes and perfume solids and etc would still need to be brought down.

Anyway....

I'm fucked.
In my online class I mean... remember when i was freaking out about logging in again after not doing so for like 2 weeks? yea turns out this class is just barely over a month long. Ooooooops.

And to make things worse... some fuckhead removed Microsoft Word from the internet-connected computer and that's the format this prof wants all our papers in.
So I've got 2 shorts essays and a midterm that were never done and i don't have the program to do them on... except on the ancient computer up in my oven of a room.
Fuuuuuck

I haven't even emailed the prof about this shit... yet? I'm really wondering if i should just give up. I fucked up bigtime.

What to do when you feel like an utter loser and you need to feel like you got SOMETHING done?

Take it out on your evil shower.

After much bopping around the internet trying to figure out what i'd done wrong, I noticed that there was one lone screw on one end of the side of the top of the doorframe. I had to use my keychain screwdriver from Thinkgeek in order to get it out because it was jammed so damn close to the fucking wall.

BUT I GOT IT OFF.

Then came the harder part.....

Turns out that door is damn heavy. It was a huge fight to get it to the bathroom door cuz i had to life the damn thing OVER the toilet.
Who the fuck put this bathroom together? Lilo? while cranked? And drunk? All at once? Damn!

And then I go back to the shower and try to get the rest of the frame off and uh oh here we go again.

The screws are jammed or something. Top screw on one side won't budge worth shit and the other side has 2 screws that seem jammed in there good. And without those side frames gone there's no chance of getting that rotten bottom frame out.

So it's not over yet.

But i do feel a little bit better. A bit weird doing remodeling on your bathroom at 4am but hey... i feel better.

Edited later to add: since there's only like 18 peeps listed on Seeking En-lighten-ment, here's the pic i posted there (umm.. see above i guess?)
Ok... the editor did something strange... but anyway there is The Littlest Ronson, easily fitting between the guardrails. This pic was taken sometime back in January 2011 and she's with her friend Carlos i believe, since I think i got this from his twitter. There's her smile, I like her smile. She's very very skinny here, to where I was actually concerned.
She's put on a teeny tiny bit of weight since then.. she's still damn skinny but I'm no longer wondering if the dear girl's about to drop dead.

Rumor has it she has a new girlfriend. Apparently the lilo insanity and the paparazzi stalking scared poor Tiffany away (I'm not surprised, hope she's ok)
Samantha is now reportedly with Erin Foster, and she's a cutie. She also seems to be a good match because lately Samantha's been looking GOOD.  she smiles, she's happy, she's been doing a type of mini-tour, hitting places like the Blue Note and singing a bit. I said before her voice is a bit weak, and it still is but that's what microphones are for ^_^
What I like is how she matches pitch etc.... and I still wish she'd stop smoking!

R was here for another cleaning session. We're going slow but I really can't go much faster.
Today I let go of an old play stroller I've probably had since I was ....6? 10? It was rusted, green plastic body, discolored white plastic wheels, yellowed with age and dust, thin rusted metal push handle, plastic-like canvas in a greenish print on equally rusted metal accordion spines. It was far too small for any useful purpose, but I couldn't bear to throw it out. Finally got it in the donate pile and now I'm wishing i'd at least taken a picture before he took it with him. Still crying over it. And it's not like I even have any special memories attached to it. I used it to press little paths into my childhood bedroom carpet. I'd use the stroller to make a "sidewalk" and i'd "draw" grass on one side and a garden and the "house" would be my bet. My childhood bedroom had a thick carpet.
I don't remember who gave me that stroller and mom was thrilled when she saw that in the donation pile.
I don't know why this hurts so damn bad. Like I'm letting go of a childhood that I never really had. A dream of having a normal family? That stroller was just a childhood prop, a tool I used to build an imaginary world where I could feel safe and happy. As with most imaginary worlds it was as fragile as candy floss. But letting go still hurts. Like finally letting go of an old and cherished dream, a childhood dream that never had a chance of becoming real anyway.
Damn.
Letting go of other stuff wasn't nearly so hard. The stroller hurt. Even the Gigapet was easier, and some people might consider that a collector's item. Somewhere in here I have a Dinkie Penquin too. Not looking forward to giving that up, but how often would I really play it?
I could have replaced Giga Frog's batteries first. Sigh. Oh well.

So this'll be my 200th post. How anticlimatic that it's just a short food review.
I'll do much better once I hit the big 1000 :D

Anyway...tonight (well...it's 530a. So this morning..) I am having trouble falling asleep and the bingemode was on. I tried to be good. A protein shake. Yummy but not enough.

So I tried the Jack Links prime rib seasoning Beef Tender Cuts.

They were quite good. I like the teriyaki beef nuggets a bit better but the cuts were pretty good. A bit spicy once i'd had a couple. And ofc I ate the while damn bag in one go.
9g protein per serving and 3g carbs per serving. My turkey jerky (still alltime fave) is 15g protein per serving. Anyway...I followed up the cuts with the Extra Dessert Delights gum. The Key Lime is my fave, with mint chocolate chip close behind. I think the strawberry shortcake tastes a bit off to me, kinda medicinal strawberry flavor. But that's just me. Choose whatever flavor helps keep you away from sugary calorie-laden treats!

seeds of my disorder

Hi, my name is Honor Regzig, and I am a Hoarder....

Or at least a hoarder-in-training.

Home now, back from dad's, with a trunk full of clean laundry and yet more clean laundry piled on my bed (where do I sleep tonight?) And yet more clean laundry in this jumbo Space Bag (those vacumn the air out things) beside me.
I have more stuff than I thought.
A lot more.
And yet I'm curled on the tiny clear spot on my floor telling myself that it IS ok to throw out this leopard-print sports bra that is so old the elastic is melting through the fabric.
Seriously.
Part of my brain is freaking out saying "we could use the bra cups to make a little pocket of some kind! That part of the bra is undamaged!"
Um...yea if you don't think Yellow With Age counts as damage!
I'm having the same issue with some old tshirts.
Ok to be fair I grew up in a house where old tshirts were used to wrap stuff like glass and sweaters for storage. So MAYBE.
But the old bra?
That needs to go.
My poor cat is all confused.
I'm trying to make this room livable for us both.
It's not normal to have just teeny paths thru one's floor.
I may not be hoarder tv show material yet, since the mess is confined to my room.
But if the whole house looked like my room....yea.
I don't have layers of trash...it's all clothes thus far. No food, no mold, no dead things. Tho I'm sure there are spider corpses around. I do have some cobwebs.
But yea thus far clothes and various purchases (hair rollers and shampoos and toothbrushes found thus far) and a fuckton of recyclables like cardboard and plastic bags.

R dropped by dad's for a few hours and we talked about my room and why I feel this irrational need to stuff my space full.
And again it traces to daddie dearest. How poor he made us. How Mom often had to choose between the house payment or buying food.

How the ONLY reason we didn't get on welfare was because they would not take appointments.
She would have had to take several days off her only job and go sit in line at the welfare office.
So we pressed on.

There is one memory in particular that really stabs this home for me. I don't remember if I've told it or not...but it still stabs me so I need to get it out still.

I was alone at the kitchen table eating some sort of noodle dish, probably ramen. I don't remember how old I was. 7? 10? Young. I reached across the bowl to get my drink glass (water? Dunno) and the glass caught the bowl and the bowl fell. The bowl also bounced off my foot and went up under the table. It was a mess. Noodles were in the joints of the table (it had a collapsing extension of some sort)

What I remember most was the crushing guilt...that my clumsiness had wasted food when we had so little. And how good that noodle dish was and now I couldn't finish it. I was sobbing as I slowly cleaned up the mess, using my fork to pick noodles out of the table joints.

Mom told me it was ok...that I could have some of my little bro's, but that only made me feel worse.
We had so little and thanks to my clumsiness we had even less, and my bro would get less food that night, a sacrifice for my sake and one I certainly did not deserve.

Hell maybe that's when the first tiny seeds of anorexia were planted too.

That sad and guilt-ridden little girl is still there inside me. Still wants to know if it'll all be ok. I got people around me now who love me but I still feel so unlovable sometimes.
It's like being divided down the center. The old messages that I'm guilty and clumsy, learned so young, can't seem to get rid of them. Guilt-ridden as a child, felt unlovable, undeserving..then the "church" that baptized me took that vote and essentially told me I was unlovable... just reenforces the lessons learned so young. It seems all tied together. My compulsion to starve.
And to hoard stuff, including food (tho the food is all in that cubbyhole...I meant it when I said the piles are of clothes etc)

Growing up like that.... I've been stabbed by the Witch King and it just never really goes away.

Ungh..... I am nervous as hell.

Still blogging from phone, still att dad's....and haven't gotten on my online class since last sat.
That's BAD.
But it was hard figuring out the computers over here. And I can't get on my class from phone.
Ugh ugh.
Finally got a comp here to work, am online at last and trying to muster the courage to log inn.
Why didn't I just go to a computer somewhere else since I was having so much trouble here? Yea ok I'm usually working thru the school comp lab hours etc but I could have gone back to Mom's!
My empty wallet and need to conserve gas vs my need to pass this class.
And now it's been just over a week since I logged in.

Fuuuuuuuuckkkk....
I can still do this, right?

Ok... my main fear is of being scolded by the prof.
Realistically.....would this happen? Would a professor really use the group bulletin board just to call me out?
Unlikely.
A private email?
More likely.
What is the worst that can happen?
I have missed one week of logging in. Roughly equiv to 4 class days in a row. 3 assignments I know I missed the deadlines. Possibly more. I'm sure not more than 5.
I may not get a straight A but if I can get over this fear of simply logging in...I think I can still pass.

Just...damn..... sooooo scared!
Scared the prof will be very cold and simply flunk me. If I'm gonna be flunked then best to just hide, right?
One week. One week out of something like 7 or 8 total. So one-eighth of the class I just totally missed.
This is a high-speed class tho so yea it's kinda serious.
It's also all online so not like the prof can even glare at me.
Still scared still scared.

Ok....logged in..... and fuuuck I gotta take a crap.

Unreal how scared I am. I'm on a computer at an address that is nowhere in the school's system..well not connected to me anyway.
I don't have to look at anyone. I don't even have to post tonight...just get a feel for what I missed and start catching up. Prof said we'd be reading about 400 pages a week. That's actually a small number for me.
Still scared still scared.
This fear is irrational.
If I get on there's a chance at saving my grade.
If I stay away then I'm guaranteed to flunk.
What would be less terrifying to explain...a week's absence or a whole class failed?
I have got to do this!
Ok.... as expected I've got missed assignments. Looks like two short papers and two discussion questions thus far.
The short essays are supposed to be emailed as an attached file..major problem without a computer.
Ok...that's two down.... two gone (dunno if he'd let me make it up? Afraid to ask)
Check out discussions.
There seem to be a lot of political-conservative types in the group I was assigned to.

Ok...class's first question
A mad philosopher has tied 6 people to train tracks. Five people are tied down one track and one is tied on the other track. You are holding a switch and a train is speeding towards the 5 peeps. Do you throw the switch and send the train down the track with just one person or do you do nothing while 5 die?
Scenario 2: a healthy tourist goes to a checkup and you the doctor notice the tourist would be a perfect match for 5 sick patients awaiting organs. Should you kill this 1 tourist to save the lives of the 5?

What would u do in each case and why?
Are these two scenarios the same? Why or why not?

I'm the only one using philosophy terms and thinking about stuff like agency and self-actualization. There are peeps here who think these scenarios are the same! Wtf!

In #1 the mad philosopher is the active agent and the best I can hope to do is minimize casualties.
In #2 the doctor/me is the agent and the tourist is in no danger at all unless I put him in danger. That's what makes it murder.

Agree? Disagree? Am I gonna want to throtle the classmates?

Just a quickie to say hi, I'm still here.
Also need to stay awake until the hydrogen peroxide is done bubbling and I pour it out of my ear.
Yup I'm H-bombing that right ear still. I guess that's what happens when someone like me goes months without trying to clean the waxx overproduction.
Am over at dad's for the week so no blogging from a puter. Not from over here. Very brainy bro could find out. One time when I was in the bathroom shortly after eating he half-jokingly asked if I was throwing up. Wtf? That is one thing I never do. I was starting my perriod and that always gives me the runs....especially after eating!
Half-sis cleared her bed for me. I do like her room. It reminds me of my childhood room a bit. And she also has this thiiick memory foam topper on her mattress. I'm floating in a cloud! I even took off the pillow.
I forgot my facial masks and my nightime moisturizer. Oops. Good thing home isn't far away.
I'll drop by home once I've washed all the stuff I already brought. Yup I'm doing all my laundry buildup here...cuz this family can afford it. About half done with this batch. Nice thing about a car? Having a trunk.
Ok one more h-bomb then I'm testing the musicbox part of my phone.
Cuz dumbass me lost my mp3 player again.
Night.