Oops I did it again.
Sat at the computer.
Omnomnomnom.

Taco bites and 3 single serve coconut m&m packs. And milk ofc. And then came up here and devoured 2 bumblebee tuna salad snack kits, then ate just the crackers out of another 4 snack kits.
Sigh.
And I didn't even want the m&ms...I wanted more taco bites or something. But there were none.
Actually what sounds good is plain cooked hamburger. No bun no cheese no nothing.
Hmmmmm.
*checks calendar*
FUCK.
This could be pms-related cravings. Seems I'm due for the monthly ick sometimes next week. Uuuughhnnn.. hate hate hate.

In other news...while on comp I found some Ronster pics!
Ronster, btw, is my nickname for Samantha and Erin. I think it's a cute name, sounds like a zippy little car or something.
As usual they did not look happy about being papped. They both refused to smile and didn't even hold hands. Sam in particular looked very sad. She also looked a bit resigned, and that has me sad. I feel guilty now for wanting pics of her. I don't need to know details, I try to give her privacy. I don't know her address and I don't try to hunt down her schedule. I just think she's pretty and I enjoy looking at her. I really like her smile. Erin makes her smilke, which makes me happy. I just like seeing pics of happy girl-girl couples. I adore Ellen and Portia (tho they are so sweet you'd have to worship hatred if you didn't adore them)
I don't go after details in Ellen and Portia' shared life. It's enough for me to know they're happy, and I do like pics of coupley cuteness.

I do understand why Ronster feels the need to hide. The lilostans are damn abusive online and have been for some time. These twittertrolls have even gone after Erin's niece...who is 12.

Well at least it's meat. Meat-ish anyway.
Had finally stopped stuffing my face last night and intended no solid food. And I was sooooooo dragging and hungry and nauseous. Had the first go greens w cinnamon and was halfway thru the joint health mix, so about 25cal thus far.... and I felt ready to faint. Was looking at a super carby asian snack mix.... but I managed to get a turkey snack stick instead. $1 kinda steep for a 1.5oz turkey stick but eh....
So add 120cal and 3g carbs and 10g protein to the tally.
Could be worse. Not sure what carb total is since joint mix doesn't have carbs listed but how many carbs can be in a 10cal powder pack? The go greens is something like 4g.

Trying to fast after so many days of high-sugar binging was just damn stupid.

Sooooooooo tired. Want to go home and sleep for hours and hours and hours.
Must not get on computer tonight! It leads to binging!
Need protein shake before I sleep tonight tho.
Ungh want zzzzzzzzz and break over.
3 more hours... 3 hours til home 3 hrs 3 hrs 3 hrs....

People of Walmart.... must not become me

Yea being downstairs at the comp means stuffing my face. BAd bad bad.... should have fled upstairs after Star Trek cuz i was doing good til then. Once Mom went to bed out came the candy.
The ONLY good thing I can say is that I haven't bought any new candy in a while.
But I lost track of how much easter candy I'd bought back then... even found some coconut M&Ms buried under it all. Hershey bunnies and Russel Stover coconut nests and Snickers eggs and the bigger Russel STover bunnies, 3 of them are white chocolate which I can rarely find when it's not Easter.
Sigh.
So in an attempt to stop myself from turning a superbinge into a epicfuckingbinge, I have been bouncing round People of Walmart. I found a few general ones then noticed the tags and went to the Ohio-tagged list. Heh... wonder if I'll ever recognize anyone?
I don't think I'll ever see myself on there cuz PoW isn't just about fatties.. it seems to focus on fatties who show off their fat rolls.
I keep my fat securely inside my baggy clothes thanks. You can see forearms and my collarbones (fat as I am I still have clavicles. They may be barely there, but they are there!)
So I look like a skinny girl in way-too-big clothes.
Ha! Actually I might show up on PoW for wearing "too-big" clothes! I haven't seen any pics like that yet tho.
Anyway here's some links:
Big butt, teeny shorts
Where are her pants? or shorts? or whatever???
Hospital gown chic? - seriously... look at that darker strip tie, like she added another tie to keep that false front shirt on!
Halter top = side fatboob - what's funny is I think I saw this one, or someone dressed like her, when R pointed her out and asked me if I'd heard of PoW and i said "yes" and he said "always wear clothes you won't be ashamed of if someone snaps your picture out in public."
Good lesson, no?
so much for no shirt=no service - yay for working out (if that's what she was doing) but does no one have a no shirt =  no service code anymore? I don't need to see her belly hanging out like that!!!
More shorts don't fit! - and I'm really hoping that's her undies peeking out and not some strange rash or something even more gross.
Too-short shorts again - seems to be a common problem... fatties wearing shorts that get eaten by their butts.  Shorts that are spray-painted on. Or shorts that are both sprayed on and are being eaten by the butt. As this lady demonstrates.
I haven't worn a pair of shorts in public for 5 or 6 years now because I'm kind enough to NOT subject others to the horror of my fleshy ass!
And it's 5am and i do have to work later today. I have been very bad and must perform proper acts of penance.
It's time to dig out the Go Greens again. i think at minimum I should have, every day, at least 1 Go Greens mix, and 1 protein shake. And add a joint drink mix in there on working days. That's 3 drink mixes, each is dissolved in 20oz water.. so 60oz of water a day. Surely that will help keep me full.
And it's a lot healthier than the chocolate shit and the tv dinners I've been pigging out on lately.
I mean... my fatass pic is on my phone.. and everytime I just look at the time i see it and I'm like "damn, am I really that bad?"
Well DUH cuz i took that pic of me! But there's still a mental disconnect.
It's like I still think I look as I did when i was full-blown ana-teen. Rail thin. How the hell did my brain skip ahead to assuming my starving was already done?
Moronic brain. This stops NOW. Fuck! i should be smaller than the half-sister. My wrists, fat as i am, are still smaller in circumference than hers. She's 140 she says. She's 2 inches taller than me.
R was right. i was once 120 or hell, even 117.
Problem.. skinny can be aging.. either the face goes or the ass goes. i can hide my ass.
Goal:130.
Now: 165.4
36 lbs to drop.
(With the option of going lower ^_^)

9pm and still no food. I cheated tho cuz I slept the whole day away after staying up all night.
In between naps I threw out some accumulated trash from that tiny bathroom. Yay for more floorspace. Between that and the lack of food, I'm feeling a little bit better right now. Less of a failure. Should attempt to salvage that class so at least I can say I tried.
Will probably write some letters first tho. Got 2 fanletters in the works, and I want to reconnect with an old childhood friend.
Mom had a best friend who we kids treated like the crazy aunt. She was the fun adult, bought us toys and took us for runs in the park.
Daddie dearest accused this lady of being Mom's lover, and back in the 1980s that was not as almost-ok as it is today.
She disappeared shortly after that. Mom says she was around for a few more years tho. I don't remember.
Either way I want to find her again. I'm an adult now so she doesn't have to worry about Mom losing custody.
I still have the dolls she gave me.
And I want to know if she's happy. Why not have a happy ending after the sadness she watched us kids go thru?

Ok gonna go eat my one meal where Mom can see, so she doesn't freak and just gets annoyed at my bad sleep patterns.
Then gotta measure out the drink mixes for work tomorrow.
And now that I've found my vitamins I need to start taking them again.

Ok....so I made my fatness pic my phone's background yesterday. Every time I checck my phone I am confronted with my fatness. Soooo....I pigged out on chocolate WHY???

Sigh.... probably stess over the online class.....it's like a weight over my head and the more I try to ignore it the heavier it gets. Haven't logged on since I emailed an assignment to the prof.

So I'm gonna baw about that class and my self-defeatist bullshit.

It often seems like I have success issues. Like I am afraid to do well. Like I am afraid to graduate.
And I am afraid of fessing up to mistakes that I already know I've made.
I feel like I need to punish myself for missing those assignments and flunking the class seems like the deserved punishment. And then I could stop thinking about it and feeling guilty about it.
But why be afraid of passing?
Cuz I'm even more afraid of the post-college world.
Afraid I won't cut it.
Afraid my degree is worthless anyway.
It's more ok to work retail if you don't have a college degree.
For a college grad to have my job is just sad.

If I do nothing, then I flunk.
If I talk to prof and he says no, I still just flunk.
Why so scared?

Cuz if I talk to prof then prof gets to tell me I failed. And somehow that's worse than just failing by doing nothing. Being told that I've wasted my time and money. Being told I fucked up.
I already know.
And I know I deserve to be told I flunked.
Still don't want to be told that. I'd rather just let it happen.
And this is why I'm a failure.
So I ate my feelings in the form of old easter chocolate.
Sigh.

More stuffing my face = more posting to share my shame. Protein drink got warm, as drinks tend to do up here. It's back in the fridge but while down there I pigged out on several green apple slices and grapes, some of which were dipped into a caramel sauce, 3 cookies, 2 chocolate pieces, and 4 sweet rolls. Guess I should be glad that some of the stuff-face was on fruit? Mom brought home what was left of those fruit platter things, complete w dipping sauce. It was way too yummy. Back safe upstairs with a water bottle. Gonna have to brave downstairs again tho....I can't live up here.
I wish I could live up here. Easier to avoid food, but how would I make money to pay for school and heat and electricity and water etc? And even on no-food days I still take my protein shakes. And I want to keep my gym membership.

Oh guess what? My mp3 player runs on AAA batteries, not the AAs that I have so many of.
Sigh.

And here comes the carb-crash.. fuuuuuuuuuuccccckkkk...zzzzzzz

Horror of horrors! Work has stopped carrying my fave Extra gum flavor: Dessert Delights Key Lime Pie! Here's hoping Walmart has it!
The one thing having my license has done is make it easier to hunt down stuff I want. This is not good for my wallet, and only slightly good for my waistling. Walmart has my protein powder and charges less for it than drugstore.com....turns out drugstore.com was bought by walgreens back in march or april. I guess that would explain the prices hikes. My protein powder is now 23 dollars vs only $16 at walmart. Guess where I'm shopping?
Moving on.... my waistline is horrifying. I didn't notice just how bad I had gotten until I tried on an old sundress and could barely get it zipped. I've now got a pic of my torso as my phone's background, since for some reason lately I've been thinking I look better than I do. Without a full-length mirror it's hard to see just how bad I've gotten. I'd look down at myself but the way I carry my weight means seeing in profile is the only way to really see the weight. So I snapped a few pics at dad's using those big mirrors and I am properly sickened. Avoiding food is interesting without living alone tho. Today as off 11:59 pm I've had the turkey jerky and a protein shake, some milk w protein powder..... and during the short time I spent downstairs I had 3 cookies and a piece of chocolate.
Yup the only way I can pull this off is to basically hibernate in my room. I'm just glad the temperature finally went down enough so I'm not dying of heat stroke up here.
R and I have made a bit more room progress, and he hauled the shower door outside.
He also sat on my Space Saver bag to push the air out. Mom has a vacuum w a tube attachment but it was a lil buried. I'm gonna be pissed if he broke it. That thing cost me $20 and it's holding my heavy winter sweaters and bedding.
I'm being very self-defeating about my online class. I can't help it. I'm soooo conflict-avoidance.
Got Sims 1 up right now. It's running slow cuz I've got a full house and guests over. Oops.
I probably should not have installed all the expansions on this old computer, plus fanmade items.

R makes me throw away stuff I don't want to throw away. Couldn't all those magazines have been recycled? And some yellow tshirts that I was hoping to practice sewing on, probably by making garment bags or something like that. The soft cotton was thick but breathable.
He tells me not to worry about cleaning when he's not around but I feel like he's getting impatient. I feel rushed and pressured lately. I really did not want to buy remnants to practice on. I'm still a hippie at heart and hippies reuse everything! I grew up watching old tshirts be used to clean glass and line drawers, patch kneeholes up. Women had a ragbag that they put those old clothes in, tore them up and used the fabric for something else. Take a good look at old old rugs and you will probably see scraps of dresses, shirts, pants... there's a rug style that weaves the rug out of fabric remnants. Now I doubt i'd go that far.... but I am somehow deeply offended when I'm told to just toss that stuff. Especially since I actually once owned a rug that had been made by coiling a bunch of remnants together and stitching them up that way.
So yea.... I go slow when I'm by myself but it seems to make me feel less stressed about other stuff.
And I did get the door off by myself.

My Sims are now on a vacation lot I added some beds to. I can now just let it go ^_^

Wow I have a lot of bath and body stuff. Scented sprays and lotions and scrubs and facial masks and only about half of it is mary kay. I also have a lot of hair products. Wow and just wow. I could open my own store. A lot of this stuff is unopened cuz it got lost in the clutter.
Hmmm feeling a wee bit hungry. Got another protein shake waiting for me in the fridge.
Think I'll see if my wee keychain speaker (from thinkgeek ofc) works with my mp3 player. It works great in the headphone jack of my phone. If it works w my mp3 player maybe I'll set it up on a bathroom shelf and clean along to the music. I don't have to work til 4pm today (it's now thurs) and cleaning burns calories, keeps my hands out of the junk food and makes me feel like less of a loser over that class.
Maybe I am terrified of talking to professors, but I can have a clean floor!

I'll just let Sims run. Last time I fell asleep while they were at that beach hotel and when I woke up they'd earned the Sunshine award for vacationing or something. So I added beds to a winter lot.c cross my fingers!