Such fail. Sunday night was fail (like 8 cookies) and Monday ohhh.....
Monday was stress stress stress. A girl had quit like a week before but dumbass store manager didn't bother to get her shifts covered. I worked 9 hours of high stress cuz of the short staffing. So glad he couldn't force me to work 10. When I finally got home I was stressed and in pain.
Talk about a binge. 3 pizza slices and more maple cookies... and then I finished the chocolate coated ones completely. Was like half the box. And some whatchamacallit bars. And ofc milk. And that was after having a protein shake thru work. Oh hell I didn't scrub my bottle out. It's gona stinkkkkk.....
And tonight was fail cuz of the big spaghetti dinner that Mom got free tickets to.
And now I've been awake in the dark all night cuz for some dumb reason my dumbass brain keeps freaking out about dec 2012 "end of the world" and wondering how I'm gonna save all my pets and my Mom if there's some huge flood or something. Floods scare me....my animals can't swim forever and they wouldn't deal with life jackets even if there were life jackets for pets. And the closest I have to inflatables is some air matresses and how can all my family fit and what about the dog's nails and how will we all sleep if movement can capsize the mattress so easy?
why won't my brain shut up?
I'm so tired. So very tired. Can't sleep. And if I do I'll probably have a nightmare. Maybe I'll read Dlisted for a bit...
so tired

Wow I failed today (refering to sat, as it's now 3am sun)
I behaved most the day but work had calloffs and we were short all damn day. I was with cool manager and we all tried to keep calm but the stress was there anyway.
I bought some junk. Peppermint cookies (the xmas stuff has arrived) and maple cookies and some chocolate coated shortbread. And whatchamacallit bars. And Mom had bought iced soft cookies already. So I had a tv dinner, 2 iced cookies & an unknown number of the chocolate covered. At least I didn't open the others. Didn't touch the whatchamacallit bars. Ugh. Why can't I behave for more than one day? Back to calorie cycling?
Anyway...plan for Sunday is protein shake either before or during work. Then I'll wait until after work, and when Mom comes home if she brings those godiva chocolate covered strawberries again (from someone in her music group) then I'll eat them. If that's all she brings, my dinner can be egg cup soup then the strawberries.
I got a 5hour energy chilling in the fridge too. I'm guessing i'm gonna need it. And protein shake is also already made so the powder can fully dissolve. I also have ginger powder to add! And adding cinnamon and ginger and just a pinch of cayenne it's. Kinda like. A gingerbread cookie taste w just a hint of kick. The kick helps my energy. A few years ago a girl suggested making hot chocolate w a pinch of cayenne since I didn't like coffee. It did help.
Wow I'm tired.

Today I woke up randomly at 5am, hungry. Had protein shake, went back to sleep. Rest of day was also lazy. Had 2 fiber one brownies (90 ea) and some garlic & herb cheddar cheese on melba toast. Not entirely sure of cal count but only the toast had carbs so 15g carbs. The cheese wasn't labeled well, or the Manager's Choice sticker covered up the serving size. Carbs were 0 tho so I wasn't that worried.
And now I'm hungry again. Waiting for my egg cup a soup combo to set. I boiled the water and am now waiting for the noodles to go soft. I think the egg is done alreay.
I work early tomorrow. I thought I went in at 4 but I'm scheduled for noon. I forgot the senority lady is on vacation. Why is it that when she works I have to close Saturday, but when I supposedly have her hours I'm given the midday shift so there is no closer? If I can do midday then so can she, damnit. I want my saturdays back!
Beeen headachy on and off all day. Tried to draw, got headache right behind the eyes.. gonna try again after eating some. Must get comic running. Have so many ideas! Had myself laughing at some of them. But ugh gotta turn these notebook stick figures into jpg comics so I can share them! Even my ana girl is funny (I said I was gonna kinda exorcise) and I really want to get these stories & jokes out there. Mentioning things, making fun of sexist, using humor to express ideas that might otherwise be painful... I'm happier when I'm brainstorming & jotting down notes. But this turning the notebook into a full comic is headachy!
And ofc phone decided to crash right mid-blogging. It went from fully charging to whining it had no power. Figures....
Soo.... I can tell you that adding an egg to my 45cal spring vegetable cup-a-soup is very tasty and even a bit creamy. I boiled the water in a glass measuring cup and poured it into my fave mug with the soup mix & added the raw egg and then put the rest of the boiling water in. Brought the soup & put it on my radiator until the noodles were soft. I'm not hungry anymore, but I'm not full either. There's room for more. Must resist.
Still headachy. Mild ketosis? Attempts to transition? I dunno. Maybe I'll just take a melatonin and go to bed.

oh hai diabetes.....

Did it again. Why am I so weak? Tues was 2 big bowls of ice cream late at night while watching NCIS on dvd. Maybe cuz before the ice cream i'd only had a yogurt and the rest of the chocolate protein lus & some cheese?
But weds...what fail! I mean I knew there'd be some fail cuz weds seems to be the night Mom & Bro go out after church to a small local "greasy spoon" that is actually very good food at low prices. Everything's nice & fresh & their milkshakes are the best in the city.... but their menu is not remotely diet-friendly. So I had my last Power Crunch bar (still have other brand bars to eat up tho) and that was all I ate til the restaurant. Then I. Had a super yummy & huge sandwich they call. The Dagwood (if you'd ever read that comic strip the joke will click. Otherwise google the Dagwood character) and a bigh milkshake... and then lots wonderful talk. My Bro is soooo supportivve of me. If I can't motivate myself to comic for my own enjoyment... maybe I can add on how he wants to see me happy. I need to organize my time just a bit... get into a routine where I do a little comicing every day. My eyes can't take staring at that screen for long. Even when blogging I put the phone down and look elsewhere every couple minutes.
Anyway after dinner I went shopping. Groceries. Got milk and eggs and cheese and bologna, the oscar mayer pre-sliced stuff so i'd have something instantly available that was low carb when I need to stuff face.
Also got some more tiny bolthouse farms c-boost & chocolate protein plus. They don't expire til nov so that can be next womanlies.
Also got a little single serve 3pack of miso soup. It was insanely expensive for only 3 servings but I didn't want to buy a large amount of something I don't know if I'll like. Miso is also very salty it seems.
And I got a pack of glazed donut holes. It was $1 and I love glazed donut holes/donut balls. And yea the donut holes were inhaled with milk while watching Muppet Show dvds. So I've had 2 days of fail in a row. And mon wasn't so great either.
And this is why I'm so sadly overweight.
I kinda want to make some blogger cartoons... cuz I'm dealing with the mess in my head by dramatizing a fight between me & a red skeleton. Cuz yea.... there's a part of me that wants to stop eating altogether. And then the logical side says "you need to take in some nourishment or your muscles will be eaten up and that will wreck your metabolism!"
Right now I'm thinking a protein shake for late breakfast/brunch/lunch and an egg drop-cup a soup combo for dinner. I also got more chobani yogurts. My fave, strawberry, is 20g carbs but 14g protein which is better than I usually see in yogurt.
And I stayed up all night again. Not sure what all to do today (thurs) guess if Mom's here when I go for food I'll have yogurt. Otherwise I'll fix a protein shake and bring it to my room and try to draw a bit while I drink it.
Neeeed to figure out a gym schedule. See work is right between my house & my gym & I'm nervous about being seen & being caught thaat I'm not a student right now. Could I really disguise myself enough? I'd still be recognized from up close but maybe a different coat and I could hide if I'm only seen from a distance? I'm not sure.
I don't wanna carry all my shower stuff tho. And driving such a short distance is bad for my car. Guess I won't shower at the gym so much. It is nice to use my own shower even if it is tiny. It's got all my stuff already set up! Tho I do have shower caps if I change my mind ^_^
Should get at least some sleep....

blugh

Blugh. Major fail today.
Maybe because my willpower was shot after 3 days of fucking retail. The mean tall manager got transferred and the cool one got his old position. But there was still a slot open and a girl I thought would be cool got that slot. And her tiny promotion has totally gone to her head and she's kissing up store manager's ass and trying to get the cool junior managers in trouble and just generally badmouthing everyone. And this brat doesn't have the authority to discipline anyone. The newly-promoted coll manager (now 2nd in command!) Made sure we all knew the brat couldn't write us up or send us home or any of that.
I also got to fight will another horrid reset, this time was tampons/pads section. Wholes shelves were moved and even removed. And this brat decided to "helpp" me for like 10 mins then I had to waste 20mins figuring out what the hell she had done. She put products on half of 2 shelves but didn't finish either shelf. And she didn't place any price tags so I had to check bar codes to see if the right product was in that spot. She was good for moving some shelving & that was it.
So yea... between bratty coworkers & bitchy, stupid customers, my willpower was drained and I binged on cookes and 6 candy bars. Plus milk & I finished the ham and had some chocolate protein plus too. My poor body is angry at me. It's suffering again. I've got that awful sickly feeling I always get when I've had too much sugar. And my stomach is complaining about being overstuffed.
I need eggs. Could also use some more milk, but must get eggs. I'm thinking of adding an egg to my cup a soups. Mom thinks a cup-a-soup is not enough but an egg would make it enough.
I also need to hunt down some batteries for my body fat analyzer. It's just a small handheld and I think it was kinda cheap too but it'll be another tool to add to my waist measurement and the scale numbers. And it's very similar to the heavier handheld my gym uses. Eggs and batteries could be had at walmart, but I prefer kroger's milk over walmart's. My fave milk brand is called Country Fresh tho. Haven't seen it in a while.
Soon my race starts. Sucks that I'm not preparing very well.
Ugh....feel so sick. Why do I keep eating so much junk? My body clearly hates it. Yet I keep doing it. Want to buy willpower.....anyone selling willpower?
Trying to come up with weight goal rewards that are not food related. Am thinking for the first 10lb loss I'll go to a salon in the mall and get my Pride & Prejudice bangs. I've tried cutting them myself & can't get it right. And something special for every 10lbs after that... or as I get closer to 140-145 and weight loss slows, maybe ever 5lbs would be good? I dunno... just that there will be shopping involved ^_^ so long as food is not the reward. With Mom randomly bringing home food, more junk is not what I need.
I'm taking it easy today (tues 4am where I am) and letting my poor body rest after the retail abuse. But I've got to start kicking my own ass here.
I should try to sleep now ^_^

The pain of womanlies is over but the grossness and the fatigue is still annoying me
I'm thinking that 3 month run to drop aas much fat as possible is coming. The idea is to use up my last birth control pills in hopes that they'll encourage my body to burn the belly fat and leave the already-small boobs as they are. I like my current size there. I've taken a few starting stats but and super tired from work today and I want sleep.
Breakfast today was ham (church leftovers, very yummy and keto-friendly so I'm stuffing my face) and half a small bolthouse farms c-boost smoothie.
Didn't get lunch at work.
Dinner was more ham, 3 olive garden breadsticks (leftover from gramps party) the rest of the c-boost smoothie and I cracked open the bigger bolthouse farms chocolate protein plus smoothie. This bigger bottle is like 33oz so it's gonna take a few days.
I'm happy that I had no big junk foods. The breadsticks were kinda non nutrition but sooo good. And my chocolate protein plus is really helping my chocolate cravings.
I think a mouse is trying to build a nest on my air conditioner. I hope he finds a better spot. I won't disturb him ofc... but that spot is far too exposed to harsh winter winds.

terrible way to spend an evening(rant/vent)

Fucking hell! I get blackmailed into showing up at grandp's b day dinner and I love my gramps but guess who all was there?
The homophobic uber baptist cousins, the worst one was bragging about his new girlfriend...
And stepdaddie dearest.
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK!?
At least I didn't have to sit next to him. Mom was next to him & I was next to Mom. But my bro & his sweet girlfriend (we're hoping she's The One!) Were at the other end! As was Gramps. I was stuck next to the homophobes. Ugh. What a waste of an evvening.
After dessert Mom got up to go pee. Everyone was getting up & suddenly it was just him & me in that corner and he just started talking as he stood up. Fortunately there was room on the other side of the table so I could get out without having to go past him but still unnerving.
I don't like that guy. I would be very happy if he dropped off the earth. And now my keyboard has died so good night Cuzco doing this w touchscreen is annoying damn autocorrecr.