I got to ssee daylight today!
Ugh I spent all week recovering from the overnight shifts & getting back to my old hours. Andi'm still tired. I also stuffed myself with over 2000 cals. Probably to stay awake til bedtime. And damn I'm nodding off even as I blog. Nighty night.

I'm in 3rd shift this week as I'm part of the group redoing the makeup wall. The store dumbass is another part, & fatass& awesome manager. I had no idea how much my mood depended on being out in the sun. Even tho I generally sleep til noon I would always get some daylight. This getting up after dark thing sucks. I get off just before dawn so my brain sees the sunrise & it's like a war between instinct & exhaustion. I have had a headache all "day". Got a headache now. Gonna have to take a motrin before tonight's shift. I think when this is over I'm gonna start getting up just a bit before noon. Get a few more daylight hours. Tho if I didn't work at that place I could probably train myself to rise & sleep with the sun. I did it regularly during camping.
Working thru the night seems to mean less eating. Hah. I guess I did do most my binging at night, probably because the instinctive part of my brain was all "why aren't we sleeping? If we can't sleep then we should eat for energy." Thus. Far today I had a bumblebee tuna salad lunch kit. And ofc I held the tuna salad can so my cat could lick it out. I lovve these lunch kit things. I can eat in bed cuz they're shelf stable until they're opened. And my cat loves cleaning out the can afterwards.
I need to get more lunch kits. Think I'll make up a protein powder shake & let it sit overnight then I can have that for "dinfast" before I try to sleep.

I miss my dog.
it's so weird...waking up & realizing I can stay in bed as long as I want because there's no rush to let the dog outside. That it doesn't matter if I go shopping for hours. There's no barking when I first open the screen door, and no barking that turns to whining because I'm not unlocking the door and getting inside fast enough. She always greeted whoever was at the door and ofc knew certain people. She even recognized a few cars. I miss her. I still cry randomly.
I alternate between not eating & eathing junk. I have no interest in making anything so when I do eat, it's junk. I can usually get myself to drink some Bolthouse Farms smoothies but then it's chocolate & chex mix & whatever other junk is lying around.........I currently clock in at 196.4 lbs and I feel so apathetic about it. And the emotional storm seems to have confused my hormones too. I started bleeding a bit today...very lightly and with no cramping. I'm not due til around the 25th. Odd. Oh well.
been working. Don't wanna talk to people tho so I have like 2 sales all day. Ugh. Oh well. When I'm home I eat junk & watch Big Bang Theory.
I should try to sleep.

rest in peace, dear Pichou

I feel awful.
About half an hour ago Mom & Bro showed up & I found out they were taking her to be put down.
I feel like I betrayed my dog. Her last moments will be spent in the vet's office. She never liked going there. I hate that she's spending her last breath in a place she hates.
I'm also feeling like I betrayed her cuz what if her problem could have been reversed if found in time? What if it started with a bad tooth like one of my cats had? So dog couldn't eat her hard food. So she stopped eating. An I didn't notice her weight loss. So she got weak. And she's already had back leg issues and the weakness made that worse. A lot worse.
She was eating soft foods. Very tiny amounts, but still. And she seemed to move easier when I slipped a baby aspirin in her soft food. She was breathing hard tho, and seems like there felt like a slowly hardening constipation issue, or something was making her lower abs swell up weird, but I still feel like I betrayed her both by letting her go to her death and by not noticing the instant her problems started.

Perhpas I should be glad for my obesity, and for the binging of the past few days. Because it's going to be hard as hell to eat anything for a while. I don't know how long.
I miss that dog. I miss how she softly growled when the cats rubbed up against her & how the cats thought she was purring. I miss her barking at the door when I knoced over something heavy because she was too dumb to realize the sound wasn't from the door. I miss her coming to great me when I came home, and her sad "must you go" look every time I left. I miss her.


eta: Bro and Mom came back. Vets always do brief checkups before putting an animal down. Listen to the heart & lungs etc. Congestive heart failure and fluid in her lungs. So no, it wasn't reversible. But the good news is she was taken to a place she'd never been to before. And all the vets were female, (she has always been more comfy around women) and the building was new so it didn't have that stench of sterilized death. So she didn't freak out. She was calm. I still feel very sad and depressed, and i still miss her like hell. I'll still be crying myself to sleep for a few weeks. But at least I know that it wasn't my fault. That it wasn't reversible. And ofc aspirin is a blood thinner in dogs as well as humans, so yea it made her a bit more comfy. Still hurts. Still sad. Still no appetite now. Meeting the fam to all drown our sorrows in milkshakes tonight. And i promise to keep my chobanis and protein shakes around. I'm just not interested in anything right now, not food, not anything.

my poor dog!

yea i'm gonna keep using that pic until it no longer applies.

I did not get my ass to the bank today. Instead i had a continuous argument w Mom over the dear dog. I love that mutt, and i feel sorry for her. She's sick, and because she's kinda old (at least 12, could be as old as 15) Mom is like "maybe it's time to put her down" and I'm all "NO not yet!"

Here's why...
all her symptoms could be explained by a single thing.. something caught in her throat. Her random coughing and choking when she hasn't eaten anything, her difficulty breathing, and her difficulty eating. Unfortunatly this developed while i was working my ass of in retail hell and i was just too tired to notice exactly when she stopped eating her hard food.
She DOES EAT soft food! But in very small amounts. We're talking like 1/4 a can at a time. She drinks a lot of water. She's very weak right now because she was skin and bones by the time i had enough brainpower to see what was happening. I know she needs a vet visit but I'm afraid the stress of the visit will give her a heart attack.
Here's why that bothers me...

i <b>hate</b> the idea of her last experiences on this earth being in a place she doesn't like, being poked with needles. Of being scared.

Why can't vets do house calls?

And i hate the thoughts of just giving up on her. Because she does respond to my attempts to help her. She took in a bit of plain unflavored yogurt yesterday and she always eats a little each time I put some warm canned soft food in front of her.
if she's still trying, then i want to try too!
Yes, she has hip dysplasia.
She's also had that hip issue for the past 4 years and was fine with it.
A few years back she even blew both her back legs. At the same time! She had surgery and recovered and went back to being a happy dog.
So it's not like these hip problems are new.

She still eats, however little, and she is still going to the bathroom.

i don't want to give up on her yet. i just don't.

in other news... dear peri has pointed me to bodyrock.tv and i think i'm going to have to spank her later. This stuff looks hard. But hard workouts are good, right?
Looks like they require computer for viewing tho, but i could probably watch a few times & put notes on my phone.
I have to go to retail hell later today (is like 6am) so i should really sleep so I can try to feed the dog before i go. Mom & i are both sick, but I'm recovering faster, probably due to my relative youth.
Also, i actually bundle up when i go outside. That crazy lady was walking around all day without a hat outside! Then she complained about the cold! DUH!
I've said before that I often doubt her intelligence. She's a sweetheart but in what universe is it smart to go outside in below-freezing weather, <i>while sick</i> and without a hat & gloves, or even buttoning the damn coat!?
i wore hat, gloves, hoodie, and a coat and boots.
I still fell on the ice (ouch!) but i seem mostly ok for now anyway.
I hate winter. Autumn is nice, the leaves smell good to me and it's mildly chilly so I can wear layers, but no ice to slip on.  But i hate winter.

I think I'm gonna low carb it for the winter. The burning-hot side effect might help me feel more comfy in this cold weather. Tho right now there's pizza and lasagna leftovers to eat up. Ugh. Mom's been saying the pizza isn't as good lately. Here's hoping that translates into not bringing pizza home anymore. you can bet i don't buy it!

Soo gotta get back on the get healthier bandwagon. And yea that means weight loss. Dunno if that's triggering or not.. because i want to get down to a <i>healthy</i> weight. I am medically overweight, and might have crossed that line into obese. I've said before that I'm not all that concerned with the numbers on the scale so long as the mirror has something i like.

Yes, that is still my fave pic. i do have others that i very much like but they're buried on my hard drive somewhere and this one was already uploaded & therefore easy to find.

 There's another nice one... Samantha in a dress! I like little surprises like that.

catching my breath!

Retail sucks hairy sweaty balls. Blech! I worked Christmas Eve and work was open normal weeknight hours. Even Walmart closed earlier! I went to Christmas Eve service in my work clothes! And I had to go to the "church" that ruled to exclude me because it was too late to drive out to mine. I also worked dec 26 when everyone started picking thru the xmas clearance. But I did have Christmas Day off. I surprised my younger siblings by showing up to daddie dearest's for dinner. They gave me money and I think tomorrow I can finally get my ass to the bank. Then to aunt's for dessert. I had presents there! A book by the lady who wrote The Other Boleyn Girl and a body spray and lotion annd some pretty hair accessories. Then Mom & me went to see the house daddie dearest is letting Bro & his gf live in. They'd just moved in like 2 days before. Yup my Bro is living with his girlfriend. Something he has never done before! He's cohabitaing! This is huge! Here's hoping those two tie the knot! Bro sort of inherited some Star Trek toys that one of gf's relatives was trying to get rid of so Bro passed those down to us. So now we have TNG figures & a barbie-sized Picard doll and light up ornaments of. The TNG Enterprise & Voyager (my fave) & a Romulan & a Klingon ship. And a Tribble that needs a new battery. I'm so stealing that ^_^
Mom got a Mr Coffee version of those k cup machines from aunt & Bro got the k cup refills. Mom's thrilled. Bro & gf also got me a pair of soft spa socks, a full body wash/lotion/spray set that smells sooo good and my fave..a soft pj pants that say "I <3 my bed" soooooo cute!
I got Mom a foot massager by the same peeps who made her neck rub pillow.... Homedics. Ofc we share it. I don't remember what she got me. It was a combo birthday/christmas & i'd gotten it awhile back. But she pays my room & board & car insurance etc so it's cool.
This is a good haul for me. Most years we're like the Cratchits, too poor to get any presents. So this year was really cool.
I spent most of today & yesterday being lazy, playing Sims & sleeping. I worked both new year's eve & new year's day, which sucked. Gonna try to finally get my ass to Kroger tomorrow for the first time in like 2 weeks or something. Then it's back to work & hopefully back to a regular, predictable schedule. Tho the holiday manager did clean out under the makeup counter so we all got some more freebies. I have no clue how long some of those items were gathering dust under there, but who can argue with free?
Side note: work's "private label" brand of leave-in conditioner/detangler spray doesn't work for me. It smells nice enough but it doesn't detangle and actually makes my hair feel like straw. I'll stick with coconut oil & Bumble&bumble Tonic.
Some other time I'll talk resolutions and the holiday food baby. Right now my hand is cramping. I did pick up the Women's Health $10 fitness trainer guide which has some fluff but also has some exercises with pictures in the directions. Some require equipment I don't have, but my gym does. And some exercises just require floorspace. So yay.