Day 2 of 28..
was utter fail. I didn't have my protein shake yesterday or today and that was my mistake. Insufficient protein = piggy mcbingeyness! I know this! Why did I not plan ahead? It takes the protein powder so long to dissolve....I put it in the fridge overnight or during work or something like that. And after work I don't have much energy and ofc I oversleep which usually means I don't wash my blenderbottle right away. I need to get another one so I can drink one shake while the other is dissolving in the fridge. Or maybe get a blender. I'm sure a blender's blades could beat my protein powder into a creamy shake fast.
I need my shaks. They're both protein and taste sweet. The powder is chocolatelike but I also add cinnamon and ginger. So my shakes taste like gingerbread cookie or something. Yum!
So work was hell. I'm stuck wih yet another damn shaving stuff reset. And I had to deal wih the dumbass coworker who is also rather selfish. She only had a 6 hour shift yet took a lunch, and an 8 minute bathroom break, AND she had me watch up front while she ran across the street cuz work didn't have the drink she wanted. If her daddy weren't a manager at another store she would not be able to get away with this crap. I wonder if he knows what she pulls? Hmmm manybe I should tell him. ... tho that could backfire on me if he's one of the my-kid-can-do-no-wrong types. Ugh.
Anyway so stressed out I came home and crashed into 600cals of garlic bread flavored chips (too garlicy for me, won't get again) and 390cals of chocolate. And big glass of milk but milk is healthy. Damn near 1000cals of junk! Not cool!
But aiming to burn 3064cals each day has gotten me off my ass a bit. I worked today so no official workout but whenever I had to bend over I would step back into a lunge instead. And when stuck at the register I did mini pushups off the counter. Stuff like that. Every little bit helps.
I also got a comic idea while sorting socks just before work closed. Yay! I gotta pick that up again. Know what sounds nice? Getting out a protein shake i'd prepared the night before and drinking my breakfast while I draw. Then I can go do whatever. Eye strain keeps me from staring at mspaint for very long anyway.
ugh I must try to sleep. Still got another workday. Still fighting that damn shave reset.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Saturday, February 23, 2013
i am weird
My car is in the shop again
*sigh*
Front right tire blew. And I had to drive on it for like 5 blocks until I found a public parking lot that wasn't in front of a bar. Until I felt kinda safe parking there. Granted I was driving at like 10mph with my lights on but still. Mom says the grinding I heard was all just the tire. Maybe so but as old as my car is, better safe than sorry. If something breaks then how do I know I can even get a replacement? And I think I'm due for an oil change anyway.
Stuck at home, bored, but somehow not bored enough to do something constructive. Took all my junk food out of my room and bagged it & buried it in the back of my bathroom cabinets, behind the healthy stuff like V8 fusion Light & Vitaminwater Zero and Slim Jim minis. And protein bars. I'm glad I saw how many I had cuz I couldn't hit the grocery store this week. Mom took me over real quick to pick up some milk & that was it.
Okn...the rest of this is gonna be about numbers. As in calories etc... not the Book of Numbers ( which btw, was an excellent cure for my childhood insomnia. I should pull it out again)
Sooo.... feel free to skip the rest of this post if you think it might trigger you. I don't want to endanger anyone. Read on at your own risk.
seriously.....shoo!
Remember how I said I was going to use up some old pill packs I found while trying to drop some pounds. My thinking was that the hormone would encourage my body to *not* dismantle my boobs while I was burning of fat cells. Because boobs contain a lot of fat cells. And I wante to burn the fat cells in my potbelly, not the fat cells in my bra. I had hoped to be 145lbs when the pills ran out.
Well, thanks to my laziness and procrastination, I now have 8 weeks to pull that off. Oh joy joy joy. How about doing some math to see just how far up sh*t creek I am?
I weighed 190lbs this morning. Ok it was 189.6 but whatever. 190 is easier math. I need to drop 45lbs in 8 wks. Hah! That's 5.62 ish lbs a week...round to 6. 6lbs a week for 8 weeks......ok so 1lb = 3500calories. So dropping 6lbs means dropping 21,000 calories every week. And my bmr is only 1636cals a day. And 21,000 divided by 7 days in that week is 3000 a day. And that's not including food. It's also not including any rest days. Because there is no way I could get to the gym every single day. I work during the gym's hours! And besides, you're supposed to rest! So then I thought...what about 5 days a week? What would the numbers look like if I trie to get all the workout calories burned in 5 days? While eating about 500cals each of those 5 days? I know I can do 500cal days because I have before. In fact a protei powder shake + 2 carbmaster yogurts would have me at 49 grams of protein for only 300cals. But anyway... assume 500cals for 5 days...what would I have to burn? Bmr is currently 1636 so that minus the 500cals eaten is 1136 and that x 5 is 5680 deficit based on bmr alone. And 21000 - 5680 = 15320 that must be exercised off in that 5day stretch. So 3064 each day in that 5day. In theory I could then eat up to my bmr on the rest days since the full 21000 is accounted for in the 5 days. But who the hell can torch 3064 calories in a workout every day for 5 days in a row? Even Ana Regzig was pushing for 2000! And she had troubles! Like I have more willpower? Pffft. Boy am I up sh*t creek. And 5 days would be hard also because of how my work schedule is laid out...closing at night then being back in the morning... i'd probably go home and go to bed instead of the gym.
Is it crazy that I'm curious about trying anyway? Even if I only hit 100cals a day, it's still a hell of a lot better than I'm doing now!
why do I prefer aiming for the impossible? Trying to burn 500cals in a workout doesn't motivate me at all, even tho the fitness world considers it the gold standard. Aiming for over 3000? Now that sounds exciting! I'm weird.
*sigh*
Front right tire blew. And I had to drive on it for like 5 blocks until I found a public parking lot that wasn't in front of a bar. Until I felt kinda safe parking there. Granted I was driving at like 10mph with my lights on but still. Mom says the grinding I heard was all just the tire. Maybe so but as old as my car is, better safe than sorry. If something breaks then how do I know I can even get a replacement? And I think I'm due for an oil change anyway.
Stuck at home, bored, but somehow not bored enough to do something constructive. Took all my junk food out of my room and bagged it & buried it in the back of my bathroom cabinets, behind the healthy stuff like V8 fusion Light & Vitaminwater Zero and Slim Jim minis. And protein bars. I'm glad I saw how many I had cuz I couldn't hit the grocery store this week. Mom took me over real quick to pick up some milk & that was it.
Okn...the rest of this is gonna be about numbers. As in calories etc... not the Book of Numbers ( which btw, was an excellent cure for my childhood insomnia. I should pull it out again)
Sooo.... feel free to skip the rest of this post if you think it might trigger you. I don't want to endanger anyone. Read on at your own risk.
seriously.....shoo!
Remember how I said I was going to use up some old pill packs I found while trying to drop some pounds. My thinking was that the hormone would encourage my body to *not* dismantle my boobs while I was burning of fat cells. Because boobs contain a lot of fat cells. And I wante to burn the fat cells in my potbelly, not the fat cells in my bra. I had hoped to be 145lbs when the pills ran out.
Well, thanks to my laziness and procrastination, I now have 8 weeks to pull that off. Oh joy joy joy. How about doing some math to see just how far up sh*t creek I am?
I weighed 190lbs this morning. Ok it was 189.6 but whatever. 190 is easier math. I need to drop 45lbs in 8 wks. Hah! That's 5.62 ish lbs a week...round to 6. 6lbs a week for 8 weeks......ok so 1lb = 3500calories. So dropping 6lbs means dropping 21,000 calories every week. And my bmr is only 1636cals a day. And 21,000 divided by 7 days in that week is 3000 a day. And that's not including food. It's also not including any rest days. Because there is no way I could get to the gym every single day. I work during the gym's hours! And besides, you're supposed to rest! So then I thought...what about 5 days a week? What would the numbers look like if I trie to get all the workout calories burned in 5 days? While eating about 500cals each of those 5 days? I know I can do 500cal days because I have before. In fact a protei powder shake + 2 carbmaster yogurts would have me at 49 grams of protein for only 300cals. But anyway... assume 500cals for 5 days...what would I have to burn? Bmr is currently 1636 so that minus the 500cals eaten is 1136 and that x 5 is 5680 deficit based on bmr alone. And 21000 - 5680 = 15320 that must be exercised off in that 5day stretch. So 3064 each day in that 5day. In theory I could then eat up to my bmr on the rest days since the full 21000 is accounted for in the 5 days. But who the hell can torch 3064 calories in a workout every day for 5 days in a row? Even Ana Regzig was pushing for 2000! And she had troubles! Like I have more willpower? Pffft. Boy am I up sh*t creek. And 5 days would be hard also because of how my work schedule is laid out...closing at night then being back in the morning... i'd probably go home and go to bed instead of the gym.
Is it crazy that I'm curious about trying anyway? Even if I only hit 100cals a day, it's still a hell of a lot better than I'm doing now!
why do I prefer aiming for the impossible? Trying to burn 500cals in a workout doesn't motivate me at all, even tho the fitness world considers it the gold standard. Aiming for over 3000? Now that sounds exciting! I'm weird.
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
awwww...i go cry now
Squeeeeee! I got a present from Mich in the mail today! She gave me a copy of what was once called "the fairy book" and now has its official title: A Tale of Fairies. Yay! Two boons down...how many left? I know at least 2. I read the beta of book 3 (loved it!) And Mich has mentioned fighting with book 4 on her blog. And oh I read the dedication & acknowledgemennts and nearly cried. I managed to not cry until I was (am) up alone in my room. Oh wow... whenever I hear those old childhood demons whispering that I'm worthless I'm gonna clutch this book as tangible proof that little me made a difference in someone's life. A big and positive difference.
Thank you soooooo much, Mich. I love you too :* (that's internet kiss where I live. I just found out some people use an asterisk to represent tears... tho I guess that could apply too. Happy tears tho!)
I still remember my first reading of Underwood... squinting at the tiny print on my phone's tiny screen. Having to plug my phone in because the battery was dying & I wasn't done yet you stupid battery and ignoring the growing headache behind my eyes. I wasn't even tired as I read. The story kept me awake. Ofc once I was done I think I crashed ^_^
I'm so glad to have the paper version. Much easier. I should do a Sheldon and wear gloves while reading tho. When I close the book I can see where my hands left traces of dirt or something on the edges.
and I need a 2nd bedside table. My current bedside table is cluttered with various skincare & hair & nail stuff and my lamp. I long kept Underwood near my pillow and now the poor book is a bit battered. I love reading in bed. I need a bedside book table. Cuz clearly I can't fit everything on one little table. I do my nails in bed, comb my hair, apply lotion... I love my bed way too much :/
Thank you soooooo much, Mich. I love you too :* (that's internet kiss where I live. I just found out some people use an asterisk to represent tears... tho I guess that could apply too. Happy tears tho!)
I still remember my first reading of Underwood... squinting at the tiny print on my phone's tiny screen. Having to plug my phone in because the battery was dying & I wasn't done yet you stupid battery and ignoring the growing headache behind my eyes. I wasn't even tired as I read. The story kept me awake. Ofc once I was done I think I crashed ^_^
I'm so glad to have the paper version. Much easier. I should do a Sheldon and wear gloves while reading tho. When I close the book I can see where my hands left traces of dirt or something on the edges.
and I need a 2nd bedside table. My current bedside table is cluttered with various skincare & hair & nail stuff and my lamp. I long kept Underwood near my pillow and now the poor book is a bit battered. I love reading in bed. I need a bedside book table. Cuz clearly I can't fit everything on one little table. I do my nails in bed, comb my hair, apply lotion... I love my bed way too much :/
Friday, February 15, 2013
oh wow...
So reading Peri's post on the Slave Leo.. which i loved and then following links from him and wow I am soooo glad to see some feminist guys! They are calling out ridiculous poses and costumes in fantasy art, and i mean stuff that is sold. They're not talking fanart. They're talking comic books and book covers and action figures and miniatures etc.
And then I found 007b.com... specifically this: http://www.007b.com/breast_gallery.php
On that page right now the top left girl could seriously be me. She also has scoliosis, also has what some call tiny boobs, and also has a left boob much larger than the right.
Not gonna lie... I cried. Sobbed, more like it.
I have NEVER seen a girl who looks like me anywhere.
Took a picture of it with my phone.
Bopping around the rest of the site.. no idea if these guys are gay-friendly or not. I did remember reading that La Leche League was not pro-gay and they had a machine thingy that would run formula down a tube that could be put above a woman's nipple so that women would could not breastfeed for medical reasons (like being on chemo or something, poor dears!) could still experience some of the closeness that comes from breastfeeding. And that the League refused to help lesbian couples get such a machine, which was an expensive machine i guess.
I read this years ago, like 2003 or so when I was first coming to grips with my orientation. i was wondering how i could still have kids and found a forum with a bunch of lesbian couples with kids and they were talking about their experiences. In most of these couples one woman had born the child/ren, others alternated, still others adopted. Apparently in some couples the non-lactating female had tried nursing and the babies responded well. One quote i particularly remember is "babies can tell the difference between breasts that give milk and breasts that don't. The closeness and security will be the same."
And it was there that some couples talked about this discrimination they'd experienced from the League.
And ever since then i sometimes wonder how I'd be treated if I put a baby on my decidedly not-lactating breast and someone found out. I don't think babies get sexual feelings... they're kinda missing the hormones. Mom told me that she cried when us kids weaned ourselves (she was stay-at-home until we both were at least 6) and I kinda wonder what that would be like. Even though I don't want to give birth. I'm perfectly ok with Baby using me as her fave pacifier ^_^
Does that make me a freak?
And then I found 007b.com... specifically this: http://www.007b.com/breast_gallery.php
On that page right now the top left girl could seriously be me. She also has scoliosis, also has what some call tiny boobs, and also has a left boob much larger than the right.
Not gonna lie... I cried. Sobbed, more like it.
I have NEVER seen a girl who looks like me anywhere.
Took a picture of it with my phone.
Bopping around the rest of the site.. no idea if these guys are gay-friendly or not. I did remember reading that La Leche League was not pro-gay and they had a machine thingy that would run formula down a tube that could be put above a woman's nipple so that women would could not breastfeed for medical reasons (like being on chemo or something, poor dears!) could still experience some of the closeness that comes from breastfeeding. And that the League refused to help lesbian couples get such a machine, which was an expensive machine i guess.
I read this years ago, like 2003 or so when I was first coming to grips with my orientation. i was wondering how i could still have kids and found a forum with a bunch of lesbian couples with kids and they were talking about their experiences. In most of these couples one woman had born the child/ren, others alternated, still others adopted. Apparently in some couples the non-lactating female had tried nursing and the babies responded well. One quote i particularly remember is "babies can tell the difference between breasts that give milk and breasts that don't. The closeness and security will be the same."
And it was there that some couples talked about this discrimination they'd experienced from the League.
And ever since then i sometimes wonder how I'd be treated if I put a baby on my decidedly not-lactating breast and someone found out. I don't think babies get sexual feelings... they're kinda missing the hormones. Mom told me that she cried when us kids weaned ourselves (she was stay-at-home until we both were at least 6) and I kinda wonder what that would be like. Even though I don't want to give birth. I'm perfectly ok with Baby using me as her fave pacifier ^_^
Does that make me a freak?
Sunday, February 10, 2013
day 3 of 34
Yea I came up with my own 34 day plan. Though it's less a 34 plan and more a formalised weekly plan that's being repeated. But I like having 34 boxes to check off. Day 1 was messed cuz Mom "cooked" meaning she heated up onne of those bag meals that tastes good but is all sodium and bleached flour pasta. Nutrition? What's that? But after that I managed to stay mostly on track. I still forget to write the counts down for each thing I eat but it's low carb fare at least. Day 2 I was so tired from work I had only my protein shake and a Fiber 1 brownie. (Love those)
At least today after work I ate something... a Green Giant steamed veggie dish and a carbmaster yogurt and colby cheese and carrots without dip. Mom had a Green Giant too. Those things are pricey so it's a bit annoying to always buy more than I need but it's also the healthiest thing she eats. She buys crap.
Grrr when I was watching tv I was tired. Now that I'm all tucked in I'm awake again. So I got my protein shake and here I am, on my phone in bed with a glorious 30g of protein beside me. It's probably best to have the protein shake at bedtime because I do not wake up easy & I'm forever oversleeping and going to work without breakfast.
The higher protein is very helpful. I don't get hungry as often and I haven't felt faint at all today even though I ate so little yesterday. The only problem is I get headachy more quickly. I mean the evil fluorescent (sp? My brain is muddy) lights always make me headachy. And the cold stockroom makes it worse. I wish I could cover my head at work. Cold makes my head hurt.
I do want to spread the word about the carbmaster yogurts. If you live near a Kroger they're the ones who make these little delights. They do have artificial sweeteners fyi. I like how they're roughly 60cals each and 4g carbs and 8g protein and come in fun flavors like caramel spice cake and spiced pear (my faves thus far) as well as key lime and black forest and carrot cake and I'm going to have such fun trying all these flavors. They also have strawberry and vanilla. I'm writing down in mmy shopping list each time I try a new flavor. And these little yogurts are filling! I think it's from the agar. I vaguely remember reading about agar on another blog somewhere about how it's very filling while being insanely low cal.
ok bedtime. Or well, calm reading & sipping protein time. Underwood is still bside my pillow ^_^ and oh yea..... the second book is out!! in case you didn't know ^_^
At least today after work I ate something... a Green Giant steamed veggie dish and a carbmaster yogurt and colby cheese and carrots without dip. Mom had a Green Giant too. Those things are pricey so it's a bit annoying to always buy more than I need but it's also the healthiest thing she eats. She buys crap.
Grrr when I was watching tv I was tired. Now that I'm all tucked in I'm awake again. So I got my protein shake and here I am, on my phone in bed with a glorious 30g of protein beside me. It's probably best to have the protein shake at bedtime because I do not wake up easy & I'm forever oversleeping and going to work without breakfast.
The higher protein is very helpful. I don't get hungry as often and I haven't felt faint at all today even though I ate so little yesterday. The only problem is I get headachy more quickly. I mean the evil fluorescent (sp? My brain is muddy) lights always make me headachy. And the cold stockroom makes it worse. I wish I could cover my head at work. Cold makes my head hurt.
I do want to spread the word about the carbmaster yogurts. If you live near a Kroger they're the ones who make these little delights. They do have artificial sweeteners fyi. I like how they're roughly 60cals each and 4g carbs and 8g protein and come in fun flavors like caramel spice cake and spiced pear (my faves thus far) as well as key lime and black forest and carrot cake and I'm going to have such fun trying all these flavors. They also have strawberry and vanilla. I'm writing down in mmy shopping list each time I try a new flavor. And these little yogurts are filling! I think it's from the agar. I vaguely remember reading about agar on another blog somewhere about how it's very filling while being insanely low cal.
ok bedtime. Or well, calm reading & sipping protein time. Underwood is still bside my pillow ^_^ and oh yea..... the second book is out!! in case you didn't know ^_^
Saturday, February 2, 2013
ugh
Just a quick note to show I'm still here. Haven't been feelingwell. I had a week of like-womanlies and then the womanlies. Finally officially started today. Add in me getting whatever has been travelling around work and I have had a shitty couple weeks.. been reading on my phone. It's feb tho so I need to get off my ass long enough to renew my claims to my webcomic's site name. Must must do that. My webspace is good for another 2 years but tying a name to the server space is something that has to be renewed yearly.
Anyway so I've been reading and wanna pass on this story. I hope I converted the address to non-mobile version correctly.
http://www.dlisted.com/2013/01/31/open-post-hosted-0-tip-pastor-bell
Bad tippers are often wrong in general. Service must be truly terrible to deserve no tip. But this bitch Bell used God as an excuse to treat a lowly worker poorly and that is just wrong. It's been a long time since I cracked open my bible but I'm very sure Jesus would not be ok with stiffing a servant. I remember reading something about Jesus saying "whatsoever you do unto the least of these, you do also unto Me" and Jesus washing the disciples' feet at the Last Supper and saying that they should also wash each others' feet. In short I think Jesus would want this Bell bitch to humble herself before oothers, as Jesus humbled Himself even to death on the Cross. She's not being asked to die. Selfish bitch is only being asked to show kindness to a lowly servant and tip the servant.
I also remember reading something in the letters, probably one that Paul wrote but don't quote me, about the procedure for correcting a believer who wasn't behaving right. First there's the private rebuke from a friend, then if that doesn't work a public rebuke tho I don't remember if it's the whole community or just the leaders. If that didn't work the the person was shunned by the community until he repented. Which iis where Amish got the Shunning idea. Now I do think it can be taken too far. Some peeps will shun over stupid shit like hair and clothes. But can anyone defend what this bitch did? Can there be a solid argument in favor of what Bell did? Yea you can argue the waitress violated privacy. And I can argue that as Bell claims to be Christian, Bell is placing herself in a community that has a religious duty to call out mean-spirited behavior. If that bitch is going to place the religion card, then I say play the religion card right back at her. Bitch has no right to call herself a Pastor and I hope her "church" folds.
Moving on, I've been trying for days to get my thoughts together enough to leave a comment on Mich's blog. My brain doesn't wanna cooperate. I think Mich is on to something. Back in Stone Age days or whatever, when you brought home food for dinner that was an immediate accomplishment. Whether it was plants or a successful hunt, you made it possible for your family/clan to live a bit longer. Even tho you knew you'd have to go out and do it again, there was still gratitude for the food that night. So you knew you accomplished something important. Did we lose that immediate sense of accomplishment? How often to we get a sense of "I did it" now? Probably not daily. I mean, who here gets a real satisfying feeling of accomplishment at their job? I sure don't. I feel underappreciated there and like I'm really just a 1 trick pony being made to run the same route over and over because I'm really just a cog in the machine. A replacable cog at that. It's retail. I'm a wageslave who is there to take abuse from bitchy customers and smile. Ugh.
I need to go hunt down my Motrin. I feel like shit & I get to work tonight & for the next few days.
Anyway so I've been reading and wanna pass on this story. I hope I converted the address to non-mobile version correctly.
http://www.dlisted.com/2013/01/31/open-post-hosted-0-tip-pastor-bell
Bad tippers are often wrong in general. Service must be truly terrible to deserve no tip. But this bitch Bell used God as an excuse to treat a lowly worker poorly and that is just wrong. It's been a long time since I cracked open my bible but I'm very sure Jesus would not be ok with stiffing a servant. I remember reading something about Jesus saying "whatsoever you do unto the least of these, you do also unto Me" and Jesus washing the disciples' feet at the Last Supper and saying that they should also wash each others' feet. In short I think Jesus would want this Bell bitch to humble herself before oothers, as Jesus humbled Himself even to death on the Cross. She's not being asked to die. Selfish bitch is only being asked to show kindness to a lowly servant and tip the servant.
I also remember reading something in the letters, probably one that Paul wrote but don't quote me, about the procedure for correcting a believer who wasn't behaving right. First there's the private rebuke from a friend, then if that doesn't work a public rebuke tho I don't remember if it's the whole community or just the leaders. If that didn't work the the person was shunned by the community until he repented. Which iis where Amish got the Shunning idea. Now I do think it can be taken too far. Some peeps will shun over stupid shit like hair and clothes. But can anyone defend what this bitch did? Can there be a solid argument in favor of what Bell did? Yea you can argue the waitress violated privacy. And I can argue that as Bell claims to be Christian, Bell is placing herself in a community that has a religious duty to call out mean-spirited behavior. If that bitch is going to place the religion card, then I say play the religion card right back at her. Bitch has no right to call herself a Pastor and I hope her "church" folds.
Moving on, I've been trying for days to get my thoughts together enough to leave a comment on Mich's blog. My brain doesn't wanna cooperate. I think Mich is on to something. Back in Stone Age days or whatever, when you brought home food for dinner that was an immediate accomplishment. Whether it was plants or a successful hunt, you made it possible for your family/clan to live a bit longer. Even tho you knew you'd have to go out and do it again, there was still gratitude for the food that night. So you knew you accomplished something important. Did we lose that immediate sense of accomplishment? How often to we get a sense of "I did it" now? Probably not daily. I mean, who here gets a real satisfying feeling of accomplishment at their job? I sure don't. I feel underappreciated there and like I'm really just a 1 trick pony being made to run the same route over and over because I'm really just a cog in the machine. A replacable cog at that. It's retail. I'm a wageslave who is there to take abuse from bitchy customers and smile. Ugh.
I need to go hunt down my Motrin. I feel like shit & I get to work tonight & for the next few days.
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