Well fuck. I was hoping to be able to log on from the computer but noooooooo.... everyone's a fucking night owl in this house. Even the dude who has to be up at like 6am and is like a pro hacker so he could watch me post from his laptop. And ofc Mom's still up and she nagged me about working tomorrow until I finally came up here to lie down.
I wanted to post piccs of the hot hot kiss Samantha was seen giving her new girl. The pics are kinda grainy cuz they were trying to hide and the pap was using his zoom lens, but I still think the pics are hot. Seems the girl is Tiffany Russo, a yoga instructor, which would explain the leggings-as-pants fashion disaster. Ofc my first thought is if she was any relation to Rene Russo...and I don't know.
But she seems very private and quiet and *sane* and *normal* so yay for Samantha.
I also wanted to post some links to gossip stories, especially this weird one where lilo was papped coming around Sam's house holds a valentine bear....and Sam later tweeted that she has no idea what all that was about.
And then I saw how before that Sam had tweeted that she slept at her studio and needed to get a couch. Wait....what? Her home was only 3 blocks away if that! Wtf?

Sometimes I bounce between laughing at lilo....and wondering if sam is being stalked. Again.

Moving on.....also wanted to post pics! Of her insane thigh gap. Her legs seriously don't touch, not even when she's walking. And tonight I also found an extreme closeup of her right wrist and buried in her bracelet mass on those wrists is a tiny red bead bracelet, very small and delicate and easily overlooked.
I don't know her....sadly I doubt I'll ever meet her....but I still wonder if she's one of us.
And that thought just makes her more adorable. She suffers too.

I've been a pig the past 3 days. Stopped eating only @ 10pm ugh so late. Gonna just gun it for as long as I can. Feel very hungry right now. Got my powder mixes all ready for tomorrow. Ideally I'll last til lenten dinner weds night. Ha...we will see.

Just a quick note saying I'm still here. The monthly epic fun time is in full swing and I tend to sleep a lot. I ate chocolate. A lot of it.I broke my fast 2 hours early yesterday and was eating too late today ....wait it's 5am so "today" I refer to is now yesterday.
My brain don't wanna work.

Anyway I suck but there's one thing I am very happy about.

Samantha Ronson was caught kissing a sane girl. Not lindsay. That has me happy.
Ok I admit the new chick is in serious need of some lipstick or something, but she has a nice figure and she is an unknown person (meaning not an attention whore) and what is best...
Samantha seemed really happy. It's been a long time since I've seen that soft smile I like so much.
Yea ok I do still want Samantha for myself....but let's be honest...it's never gonna happen.
So I will settle for Samantha being happy and safe :)

I have got to get to a computer so I can post pics. She looks so happy and content! Heeeeee ^_^

Anyone know how low Ana Regzig got? I thought 120 was the lowest she got?
In may 2009 she complained about not being allowed out of the "recovery" program until she was 120lbs yet the Biggest Loser was awarded much $$$ for being 117lbs. Regzig was annoyed. So I'm pretty sure she got below 140.
@Anonymous yea I'm sure she got below 140. I couldn't keep track of her weight but I see no reason to call her a liar, just as I see no reason to call any blogger here a liar.
Mostly tho I read her blog for what I see as an honest picture of the mind games. Both played by anorexia and played by those caught in it...and by those who think they can "cure" anorexia. How people will try to trick or browbeat an ana into eating against her will. How the media rewards thin women yet does the "too thin is bad" shit....like media has azny clue what "too thin" even is. How the thinner girl really does get the role...and the respect.

I've also found her tips and suggestions useful. She gave me the "recipe" for how much water I need and I feel great when I follow that. Reading her talk about ketosis is what motivated me to look it up. I found the kickass site ultimatefatburner.com because she linked it on her blog. Her tips for fasting have helped me. And I really like how she talks around this tension between ana and her faith. She can fast for religious reasons but at the same time there's a tension like she knows God doesn't want her to be ana. I felt less alone when I found her blog. I couldn't keep track of her weight from entry to entry but I found her inspiring for other reasons.
And again I'm sure she got below 140.

Moving on...I did another brief fast. From 6pm Monday night to 8pm Tuesday. Pigged out a bit on Mom's yummy spaghetti when I got home from work at 8pm but I'm not overly worried. I'll eat at the Lent dinner tonight which means I'll be done eating @6:30 and then it's another liquid fast until at least 6pm Thursday. Intermittent Fasting for the win. I actually had a meal plan for tues but ended up skipping it as each mealtime came and I just wasn't in the mood. So had my 10cal joint health drink mix, half a Go Greens packet, and a protein shake. So about 300cal total for 24 hours. I don't think that's too bad. I just wasn't very hungry...possibly because I wrenched my back again at some point and I was moving stiffly most the day. I still hurt. It's from very low, like just barely above hip-level, and to the right of my spine. No idea what I did or how to make it go away.
I wish I could keep my scale out but my kitty pissed on my last scale and ruined it. And digging it out of the only cupboard big enough to hold it is an obstacle course. My bathroom was seriously designed by a moron. Guess I could try to hop on Mom's while she isn't looking. It's a dial but i'd have a ballpark weight. And I feel that monthly nuisance coming on so "ballpark weight" is right.
And speaking of ballpark weights....140 might not be a bad one. I'm still more about the Goal Look but at 140 I would not be overweight anymore. I'd be well within the "healthy" range. Still amused that I could get all the way down to 120 and still be within the "healthy" range. But apparently I really was that tiny once. Just found a pair of old high school jeans and damn.....I was tiny! I'm much older now tho and older people need a bit of fat to look alive...I think I read a quote by Iman that after a certain age either the face goes or the ass goes. I think she was quoting someone else tho...cuz that quote sounds old...black and white movies kinda old.
So what I'm saying is would being that tiny look as good on me now as it did back then?
I'm not sure. Hence the ballpark goal of 140. it'd be soooooo fun to fit those high school jeans again....but I won't sacrifice my looks.

Damn...mom and R were right. I really was that small. I really had a bmi just below 19. Damn. Wow. Damn.
I wish I had enjoyed it more.

I need a plan. Calorie cycling does work for me to an extent. Could go back to that. But I also like the low-carb idea because I feel less hungry and it protects my muscle. I don't have much muscle to lose.
I may benefit from having a goal weight. My phone threw a tantrum and deleted all my bookmarks but throwing "bmi calculator" into google still works :)
140lbs would give me a bmi of 21.9 so nearly 22 which the health people consider perfect. Apparently I could go all the way to 120 and still be in the "normal" range. Maybe I was 120 all those years ago? It would have been 18.8 bmi so just barely above "underweight". Was I really that tiny? I know I didn't have muscle back then tho. Maybe I was that tiny. But do I really want to sacrifice what little strength I have? If I ever do meet Samantha Ronson, i'd like to be able to lift her up and carry her around. Don't think I could do that at 18.8..... I dunno...I have a Goal Look in my head, not a goal weight. I know what I want to look like. But looks are hard to measure. I would like something more concrete. Something measureable.

And hell...even the Goal Look contradicts itself. I want to be strong, but also girly. I want to be pretty enough to walk Charlotte's runway yet also muscular enough to carry Samantha. Can skinny also be strong? Tho to be fair I doubt Samantha weighs all that much. She's so thin i'd be surprised if she was over 100lbs soaking wet and full of shit. I'm sooo gonna laugh if I ever see her in one of the Thinspo Twins' posts (Ayden and Aryn, sisters who always put pretty pics up in all their posts)
Maybe I could pick Samantha up with very little muscle. I dunno....I just know I want to be girly and gorgeous in a pretty dress yet also slightly dyke-ish in a white tank top and jeans. And keep my long hair but still look just a little bit tomboy.

And I'm pathetic for still trying to figure all this out at my age. Shouldn't I have had this all done by high school? Isn't that what high school is for? Or early college? Ugh!

Anyway I digress....I've never had a goal weight before. In the past when I went fully ana it was about wanting to vanish from the earth. I didn't give a damn what I weighed. I didn't check. I didn't care to. Being ana was about coping with deep soul-wounding pain.
I'm actually kinda happy in my life. Got a Mom who rocks, my friend R kicks ass, I'm signed up for a few classes on the fastest track to graduation, I've got my driving permit and R takes me out and tries to keep me calm......and he found me a lovely accepting church that's like a tiny tiny church too. Everyone knew me by my second visit.
Ok my job could be nicer but at least I do have a job.
So my life is kinda nice right now....except for this wretched fatness that needs to go away.
And I'm running out of time. Summer is close and I have no air conditioning.
Could I truly live ana again *just* for the weight loss? Could I ride that monster and make anorexia my bitch?
Do I have that kind of control?
Is it bad that I really want to find out?

Well after hellish busy workweeks I have many more dollars in my wallet and also more poundage on my waistline. Ugh. I hate retail. Gotta be "on" all the damn time. Acting as superhappy as a purple dinosaur to be interrupted for the ten-thousandth time by some fucking moron who walked right past what he/she is looking for. I eat nearly nothing at work, simply not enough time, but stress-binge at home. Stay up late cuz I can't sleep, dreading going to work in the morning... so I'm tired when I go in and then more stress and the cycle continues. I slept damn near all day yesterday and today. Catching up on my zzzzs I guess. I feel better now. Feet aren't just masses of pain right now. No amount of dr scholls can make the work floor less painful. Concrete on concrete. That floor has no give at all.
My gnu bars are here. Yay!. I once again have that magic tag team of weight loss and control: protein and fiber. I can go on a gnu bar and a protein shake damn near all day. Ofc now Mom is retired so she's home more and more likely to notice my eating habits. Ofc if I'm seen eating something that isn't junk would she really be concerned? She's pretty easygoing and I am overweight. So long as I'm not bonethin and she can see I'm taking some food in...she might even think I'm doing the ramadan thing like bro is...especially if I drink protein shake at home.
Anyone tried pistachios? I'm trying them for first time ever and they're not that bad. 4g protein for 5g carbs and 2g of those carbs are fiber. My lil try-it pack is exactly 100cals. The pistachios are roasted and salted and still in their shells. Taking the shells off means eating them slower. So thus far today I've had a cup of cheerios no milk and now working on the pistachios. I'm hoping by the time I go downstairs someoone else will have finished off the damn cookies. And no eating anything else until the pistachios are gone.
I got a shitton of housework to catch up on. I should probably get started. Waaa.... I don't wanna!

Well fat Tuesday yesterday sure was fat-filled. Today thus far has been total opposite.
I did skip Ash Weds service. I also skipped the big dinner held beforehand.
Today I've had a cup of dry Cheerios, a bag of turkey jerky (yes, the whole bag) and I started up my Go Greens drink mix again. Half a packet in 20oz water with cinnamon and honey. I have no cayenne pepper so I put a bit of chili powder in instead. It's interesting.
The sudden calorie drop is affecting my energy ofc. Been sleepy most of the day. Tho that could also be because of the bad-sleep-hangover. Bad dream after bad dream. I already know that sugar crashes lead to poor sleep, and I did it anyway. Well not tonight, I'm gonna go on the no-junk-food for as long as I can. Lent is 40 days.
Also took stock of my supplies. It looks like I might be able to swing a Gnu order. I got a 40hr workweek starting tomorrow. I'm gonna be tired but at least I'll get my Gnu bars. Carbs only count if they're not fiber. Fiber is its own category ^_^
My potassium bicarbonate arrived. Like I said before, it's actually a gardening produc that others have been taking orally. It's an organic gardening product. Funny thing is when it arrived it had a sticker that said: Attn Postmaster- contains Kosher Potassium Bicarbonate.
Kosher gardening? Just how strict are the kosher laws? Wow.
Still need to make the protein power crunch bars stretch out. Maybe I just won't get into those until after the cheerios are gone. Eat them up before they go stale. Stale cheerios not so yummy. And the power crunch are all individually sealed.
Talking about food makes me feel hungry. Fuck. I'm at 35g of carbs already. Best choice would be a can of tuna. 0 carbs ftw. I'm feeling lazy too tho. Maybe best to just drink more and sleep some. Napping is good. And I gotta get up damn early tomorrow.

Wow this is a boring post. I think I'll stop rambling now.

More talk of Lent. Seems my bro is going to do a Ramadan-like thing where he fasts during daylight hours, though he counts it as no solid food. He's even been preparing by slowly cutting down the solid foods for the past 2 weeks. He's down to like 2 apples a day during daylight hours. Wow. He still wants to work out etc so he's decided his protein shakes are fine. And that beyond just giving up junk food, me and Mom should use Lent as a time to totally change our eating habits.
And Mom also thought I was 120 back when me and R first met. I had to explain that 120 at my height would give a BMI of 18 which was borderline underweight. And that 135 was considered healthy for my height.
Perhaps "disordered" thoughts on eating and weight actually run in the family but since it's family-wide it goes unnoticed, assumed as normal.

Because what makes "normal"? Who decides which choices get to be called "normal" and are allowed?

Well as is my way...first thing I did was call R up to talk out my fears and figure out what to do. I am not a logical creature. Maybe that's why I adore Vulcans so much. I wish I could be more like then.
Anyway R gave me a roadmap and I followed it. I did a series of calls. Seems the collections people do their bills weird. The special accounts lady said that older account I had was indeed paid off. And that at most I am only on the hook for 500 something. The charge stems from 2009... and once I get the date I will know if my instincts are right. I think this charge is due to the school's clerical error. I paid a bill and they did not mark it as paid.
What pisses me off is that this is the school's fault. And this school's error might prevent me from getting the class I want. The class I want is an online course...and I want it because an online course would never interfere with my work schedule.
So I am unhappy about this right now.

And I've been eating to cope. Not good not good. I've had 2 bowls of cereal....and way too much chocolate. I am still at 167. At least I'm not back to my starting weight but I could be if I don't find another way to deal with this stress. I am going to play minecraft...and listen to WoW music that I have on my computer. I really love WoW music, especially for the night elves. I really like a piece called Nightsong. Guardians of Nordrassil is another one. But I love it all. Lament of the Highborne, the Ironforge theme, the Thunder Bluff theme.... yea I'll do that and drink water. Try to end the binging for today at least.

Wtf everything is going from bad to worse. I had to renew my mk version of paypal which meant "upgrade" cuz I hadn't charged a card in awhile. So there's $40.
All my bookmarks are gone on my phone. And somehow I'm not following blogs noww either wtf.

AND...I tried to sign up for classes and there's a hold on my acct...I owe them money. I can prove the smaller bill got paid cuz bank has the check. But the total they claim I owe is awful high.
And I do very vaguely remember a semester were financial aid fell thru and I had a collections problem....but I thought I paid that off! And I'm so fucking disorganized I don't know where the paperwork is!
I am very scared and upset right now. I could be looking at an outstanding debt of over $3000.
Freaking out. Pissed at the school and pissed at myself for not being able to really fight back.
I can't enroll until this is taken care of.
At least I haven't eaten yet today. Too nervous. Didn't sleep well either.
I found out about the hold amount late last night and ofc now the school website is down or locked me out or something.
So I got like 2 hours of sleep...if that...I don't think I slept at all.
Not happy :(
Terrified....actually.

Ugh...well I technically hit my 24 hour mark cuz I stopped eating solids at 7:30 last night and I didn't eat solid food, or even semi-solid like applesauce, until after work when I got home at 8:30. But I didn't make it to midnight. So...does it count?

Well regardless, I feel ill. Maybe it was the stew I had for dinner. It was leftovers made by another woman and she gives us her leftovers. And the meat in this stew had that been-in-refridgerator-too-long taste. Cuz I've eaten peanut m&ms before without a problem.
Well....that's what I get for eating, I guess. Just won't have any more stew. Actually...not eating until late tomorrow sounds like a wonderful idea. Hell, not eating anymore sounds good...but sooner or later i'd faint or turn blue or something else that would give it away.

Blah. That's just what I get for eating. Eating causes trouble. Eating also takes up time. It tkaes a lot of time, and in multiple ways.
First there's the basic time it takes to shovel stuff in my mouth. Then add the time to prepare the food. Then add the time to go buy the food, search it out and bring it home. Now add the time to earn the money used on food.
And now add the time lost to digestion. I'm convinced that digestion drains my energy...I tend to feel tired after eating more than a small amount. And ofc I didn't inherit my mom's cast iron stomach. Nope....that's one thing I have in common w daddie dearest. Ofc he doesn't blame his faulty genetics. He blames my stomach on mom, he claims my small breasts are cuz I didn't drink enough milk as a kid (which is total fucking bullshit).

Protein shakes do cost a bit of money...but they're fast to prepare and as easy to consume as a glass of water. And they're easy for me to digest. I don't feel so sluggish. Ofc it takes willpower to have just the shakes. Sometimes ya just want the candy. The cheap, fleeting sugar rush even tho you know it's cheap and fleeting. The chocolate, the donuts, the cake...totally not logical. Sucks to be merely human. Vulcans are hotter anyway.

Speaking of Vulcans...ok I'm watching Voyager and T'Pol's obviously not in it and she's the hot vulcan... but anyway season one is up and I can't help but adore the clothes Kes wore during the first two seasons. Before her hair got long...her cute outfits of a tunic/dress with tights or leggings of some kind, with little boots or shoes. Her clothes are so sweet and pretty and feminine without being super sexual. Her figure is hinted at but she shows no skin.
I wish I had clothes like that.
I'll never be as hot as T'Pol, and I'll never be able to wear her outfits, or Seven's....but I can see myself wearing someting similar to Kes's early outfits. Kes gets truly pretty later on..and her clothes are still gorgeous..but I can't see myself wearing something like that.
I particularly like Kes's green tunic set. I think that one's my fave. Sometimes it looks green-with-silver or something...I need to hunt up a picture sometime. I like how the characters cycle thru a few outfits...it seems more real that way. I mean those with uniforms have uniforms but it's fun for me to notice the reuse of costumes for Neelix and Kes. Like they're real people just cycling thru their wardrobes as they do laundry. It's just one of those details that I always like seeing.
I am weird.
I'm also concerned that I'm too old to wear such combos as Kes's tunic sets. Sigh.