I need a plan. Calorie cycling does work for me to an extent. Could go back to that. But I also like the low-carb idea because I feel less hungry and it protects my muscle. I don't have much muscle to lose.
I may benefit from having a goal weight. My phone threw a tantrum and deleted all my bookmarks but throwing "bmi calculator" into google still works :)
140lbs would give me a bmi of 21.9 so nearly 22 which the health people consider perfect. Apparently I could go all the way to 120 and still be in the "normal" range. Maybe I was 120 all those years ago? It would have been 18.8 bmi so just barely above "underweight". Was I really that tiny? I know I didn't have muscle back then tho. Maybe I was that tiny. But do I really want to sacrifice what little strength I have? If I ever do meet Samantha Ronson, i'd like to be able to lift her up and carry her around. Don't think I could do that at 18.8..... I dunno...I have a Goal Look in my head, not a goal weight. I know what I want to look like. But looks are hard to measure. I would like something more concrete. Something measureable.
And hell...even the Goal Look contradicts itself. I want to be strong, but also girly. I want to be pretty enough to walk Charlotte's runway yet also muscular enough to carry Samantha. Can skinny also be strong? Tho to be fair I doubt Samantha weighs all that much. She's so thin i'd be surprised if she was over 100lbs soaking wet and full of shit. I'm sooo gonna laugh if I ever see her in one of the Thinspo Twins' posts (Ayden and Aryn, sisters who always put pretty pics up in all their posts)
Maybe I could pick Samantha up with very little muscle. I dunno....I just know I want to be girly and gorgeous in a pretty dress yet also slightly dyke-ish in a white tank top and jeans. And keep my long hair but still look just a little bit tomboy.
And I'm pathetic for still trying to figure all this out at my age. Shouldn't I have had this all done by high school? Isn't that what high school is for? Or early college? Ugh!
Anyway I digress....I've never had a goal weight before. In the past when I went fully ana it was about wanting to vanish from the earth. I didn't give a damn what I weighed. I didn't check. I didn't care to. Being ana was about coping with deep soul-wounding pain.
I'm actually kinda happy in my life. Got a Mom who rocks, my friend R kicks ass, I'm signed up for a few classes on the fastest track to graduation, I've got my driving permit and R takes me out and tries to keep me calm......and he found me a lovely accepting church that's like a tiny tiny church too. Everyone knew me by my second visit.
Ok my job could be nicer but at least I do have a job.
So my life is kinda nice right now....except for this wretched fatness that needs to go away.
And I'm running out of time. Summer is close and I have no air conditioning.
Could I truly live ana again *just* for the weight loss? Could I ride that monster and make anorexia my bitch?
Do I have that kind of control?
Is it bad that I really want to find out?
OMG pistachios are like crack. I don't go near them coz they're like crack to me D:
ReplyDeleteFuck yes it's do-able. Metrics, MEASUREMENT or muscles, not weight of your body.
Slim can be strong. My arms don't look ripped, but I can casually throw pig legs around if I want, and 20kg of cheese can be picked up with proper lifting technique and a grin.
bodyrock.tv I can't WAIT to life on the bottom floor again so I can do Zuzanna's workouts :'(
Remember how Ana takes over? How she slips the leash and winds it around your neck? I'd be VERY fucking careful.
Love you too much to want to lose you <3
Sorry to remind you of your gerbils! :( *Hugs*
ReplyDeleteThere is a photo and a youtube vid. The big one is the picture :)
Lol, Dralion also hunts flies and moths. Ink was a good fly hunter, he also brought cicadas inside. When they crawled under the couch to escape they made one hell of a racket until they died >.<
WTF your kitty hunts bras? Does it solely stalk your or does it bring you home new ones?
I'm curious as to why you are so enthralled with the old anaregzig blog? I've read the entire thing and sad to say, it seemed to be wannarexia and dramatization all the way. She kept talking about all these people being concerned about her weight at 5'4 and 140. I'm sorry to say that there is no way at that height and weight that she would be anywhere near 'thin'! She never got anywhere even near an anorexic or skinny weight. I think most of her blog was dramatized and fake, to be honest. There is NO way producers and whoever in Hollywood wouldn't have wanted her to lose weight on set. 140+ is not thin by ANYONE'S standards at 5'4. I should know... I'm 5'4 as well.
ReplyDeletebelated puberty is what this lady told me i was going through with all this figuring out myself and what i want to do at this point in my life. and she said it's a good thing. so don't feel bad we're late bloomers
ReplyDelete