many pretty pics makes diet thoughts nice :)

I've got a small pile of comments to go thru that I swear I'll get as soon as I'm off the computer. I know I'm being paranoid here but the blank blogger post creation page is nice and bland and easily ignored.. people's usernames might not be.

Hiiiii!!! I'm back! Sorry i vanished there... thinking about sad stuff like genocide attempts got me really fucking depressed. First there was binging, then a good 30-35 hours where i only took in 500cals total then sunday night the stuff-face started again.

I have also been shamelessly hitting on that gay coworker i think is so cute. I'm not sure if she's honestly interested or if she just finds me amusing. But we seem to be connecting on some level because when i was wandering the chocolate aisles (again!) and being frank about my chocolate addiction and how my dad and i joke about building our potbellies, she asked very softly "wait.. you want to be fat?" and i confessed that no, I don't, but weight loss is so hard and i do love my chocolate. And that's when i found out she is actively trying to slim down, but ofc she's going the healthy route. She works out gently almost every day and we talked about workouts and biking and weightlifting. She doesn't like being fat. And to be fair she is probably very close to the morbidly-obese line, but she's one of those types who knows how to dress so sometimes i really don't notice just how big she is. And hell.. the first girl i ever dated was nearly 300lbs.

Isn't it funny how we can be so much more forgiving of others than of ourselves?
I'd totally do her if she wanted it.

But she and I both need to drop a few. She may need to drop more, but she carries her weight well. Me?

I'm a fucking moron who is carrying a potbelly on a twisted, deformed spine which therefore keeps me in near-constant pain.

it's still a happy shock to me when coworkers ask "how do you stay so thin?" because really I'm not thin. I'm a good 30 or 40lbs over what i should be but because it's all in my stomach and i still have model-thin shoulders, i can hide it.

I can't call myself anorexic, not at this weight. Having the thinking patterns resurface at times isn't the same as being actively ana.

At least.. I don't think it is.

Isn't it fun how medical definitions don't really leave room for human vagueness?
Maybe that's the point?

Ugh.

Anyway here I am blogging in between fashion swagvids cuz for some reason they are taking FOREVER to load! My phone loads them faster! Blah!

Fashion Week is going on right now.. Charlotte's show was Saturday.. and ooohh if only I had money.
Not that I'd look good in her stuff right now anyway.
But even tho many of her pieces are very body-conscious, there are also longer pieces that Quasimodos like me could wear. And other's I'm sitting here going "Charlotte..umm.. what the hell were you thinking?"
But even the WTF pieces are visually interesting.
i only saved the pics of my favorites.
Ah fuck i should go back and get Annabelle's pic. i don't wear blue very much (depends a lot on the shade) and she was in blue so i didn't save it, but she's so damn cute that i should have saved the pic for that reason alone. Feck.

(cmon people, let's make Feck appear in the oxford dictionaries!! Use it use it!!!)
(Hi Mich! ^_^)

Speaking of the lovely Mich.. I just saw that Underwood is now on the main amazon.com site! Woot! Still waiting for my electronic gift card to arrive in my inbox.. then that book and a nice supply of my fave Chai is MINE. I'll be all ready for cold weather with cozy hot drink and a good book.

Anyway the whole point of managing to get computer time is pics!
Yanno maybe one of these days i should go for traditional thinspo? But the pics i have posted are inspiring to me..... soo......

anyway.....

This one is probably my biggest fave, even though I wish the shirt was less blocky and more smooth ombre transition like the skirt. Cuz I ADORE that skirt. it's soft and swirly and transparent and mermaid-y like it's made of sea foam or something. love it!
Does look a little too sheer for me. But then.. if I had her body hell let's show it off!
dammit i once was that thin.. twisted spine or no, i was still that thin and feck me for not enjoying it more!! When i looked good I hid! Now i look terrible and flabby and i want to not hide! But even if i get down that far again.. I'm sooo much older now it won't look as good!

Enjoy it while you can, kids! Aging is a BITCH!

This one is my second fave. i sure like the ombre thing don't I? Anyway this one is also kinda sheer but it seems just loose and floaty enough around the waist to allow for slightly uneven hips, perhaps not as uneven as mine but still, it's a forgiving cut that way. The fabric kinda floats around the hips rather than clinging and showing quasimodo-proportions.

Next is an old pic from her last show that i just thought was too damn cute:

Charlotte: "Oh no you did NOT!"
Samantha: "Oh yes I DID!!!"

That's what it looks like to me anyway.. like they're in the middle of a playful argument.

The Ronson twins are plotting something!!
Also.. there's one of Samantha's many pairs of fingerless gloves. Those ones are obviously one of her longer pairs and cover her teeny tiny wrists.
here's a shorter pair:

Samantha seems to love Jack Skellington. What's up with that I wonder?
Ok to be fair.. he was a pretty cool character even if you're not skinny enough to be compared to him. Nightmare Before Christmas is still one of my all-time faves!
And yes, those are her hands, her nails. Told you she's a girly-girl. It's just all in the details.

Honestly the first thing that attracted me to her was how she's like the poster child for us girls who want to be girly but don't like skirts and heels and dresses and thin blouses etc all the time. i rarely doll up to that extent. it's fun when i'm in the mood but I'm just not in the mood very often.
Even though I live in a blue-collar city i still like the idea of taking off and wandering the woods and i want to be dressed for that!

One of the few Ronster pics:

And yes, Samantha's shoes are studded here too. So now she's got studded shoes (they look kinda like oxfords?) and studded boots.
what's with her and studs? Ouchie! Those things are a weapon! Or is that the point?

here's a cute one:

Erin: "See Samantha? It's not so bad..."
Samantha: "Don't drop the baby don't drop the baby don't drop the baby..."
Erin: "You're not gonna drop the baby."
Samantha: "Don't drop the baby why is baby squirming so much don't drop the baby..."
Erin: "Oh boy.."

xD

I'm currently coming up with a basic meal plan that will keep me in low cal and super low carb ranges but still try to avoid the dizzy spells and try to protect my muscle and heart and still get most nutrition covered. obviously vitamins are gonna be a big star here, as is my protein powders. Turns out i was miscounting them. 1 scoop Body Fortress and 1 scoop Aria is actually only 180 cal, 33g protein and 6g carbs. i was thinking i was getting 200cal and 40g protein. oops. The Aria serving size is 2 scoops, not 1. Body fortress has values listed for both 2 scoops and 1 scoop.

I also saw a swagvid that was basically an "infomercial" for Ensure where the "expert" (Read: Ensure seller) said we should have 25g of protein at each meal.
Fucking hell???
Meanwhile my beloved Body Fortress says the 26g from 1 scoop counts for 52% of the daily requirement if you're eating a 2000cal a day diet.
Methinks someone wants to sell Ensure. Especially since only one Ensure formula has that much protein in a single bottle. The other formulas tend to be in single digits!

My problem is getting protein on the run. Kinda hard to take my shakes on my walk to school and on campus, they won't stay cold for one.. and for another who wants to hear me shake up the blenderball in there before every sip?
So back to the power crunch bars and the turkey jerky and plain water bottles.
I've been making notes where to find stuff i want, mostly the notes are on my phone. Wow i love my phone... so glad i got it. Totally worth the price. It's my external memory. Not a good idea to shop from my phone tho.. none of my discounts or bonuses carry over in mobile shopping. Oh well that just means i can't shop as often, which is good considering I'm flat (and fat) broke.
yup got more junk food after work sunday, just before the binging started. Whoooops.
i may have to make the drastic choice of leaving my wallet behind. I'm always nervous about having my car break down or run out of gas or something and me having no money to get myself home. Blahhh.... Nevermind that's I've driven my car once since i finally got it back (yay I have drivingness again!)
Be sensible Honor! I leave my wallet behind during class all the time. My books, keys, phone, water bottle and snack are all I leave the house with.
I am thinking of getting a folding cane. So i can still walk to school but have help for that leg if I need it. You don't lose weight riding on a bus.
And a folding cane would fit in my bookbag when i didn't need it. Don't wanna carry a cane all over campus! Yes, I'm vain that way. It's different out on the trails than it is on campus.

Ok... post, brush teeth, finish this swagvid set, then bed. I got one of the old acai powder drink mixes (yes i still have some left.. and they don't go bac til 2012) already mixed up and chilling in the fridge. That's breakfast. An Atkins bar in my bag, that's lunch.
Water bottle! Going to find....found, cleaned, ready to be filled. it's one of those small-mouth reusable aluminum ones.. so just water, no mixes, or it'll smell funny. So glad I have my blenderbottles.. they're much easier to clean!

Go to bed, dammit!
(or at least get off the computer and get closer to bed!)