My first official therapy appt is tomorrow after class. Still have not contacted teacher.
Fail.
Therapy lady says they're open thru break.... so i have at least december to have some pro pick at my brains. One month sounds like that happy space that's helpful without being real intrusive.
Cuz i need something.... just not sure what. I think I can keep going once I'm started...
I was in therapy 2 times before.. once during the worst of the divorce from daddie dearest and once many years ago when i got molested and seriously felt trapped cuz the asshole basically said he'd call me transphobic if i ever told about him rubbing his peen on me and his hands on my little breasts.(he claimed to be a woman.. that's how he got his victims.. played on our sympathies but his male parts were FULLY erect!!) The therapy itself didn't help all that much (turns out my therapist was also his.. wtf??!?!?) but i did manage to not kill myself, to blame him (and the therapist to an extent) and tell a few friends and turns out I'm not his only victim. So there's that.... I can keep going once someone helps me get started.
And i need help with this self-sabotage. I don't know why I keep holding myself back. I can see I'm being stupid, but something seriously has me shaking when i think about finishing this degree.
And on top of that I also feel like a failure for even being IN this situation mentally. Normal people don't do this shit!
Yanno what.. Mich was right.. pics are helpful.....like a self-expression tool. I think a graphic tablet would be a good present to myself. I'm currently looking at the cheapest 2 on amazon.. and the $25 Digipro (says it's 5" by 4")keeps saying it's almost out of stock.. so i'm also looking at the $32 VT one (says 7" square) cuz i don't have the money yet. Just in case. And the VT is bigger or so it says. Christmas usually sees me getting $50 from my last surviving Grandparent. I'm his only granddaughter... all the other grandkids are boys. So i still get just a little bit spoiled ^_^
I need to slim down just a bit to wear a dress for him. he's an old fart and likes girls to wear dresses.
And hey.. i got that lovely I Heart Ronson dress....I can already get it on, cuz Charlotte's design is forgiving here, but it would look much better if i slimmed down a bit.
(Remember i am medically overweight.... peeps don't harass me about not eating, they say i'm in line for diabetes!)
And it's 3am again... I should figure out what the AIM password was.. fuck me and my bad memory.. at least we could be insomniacs together!
And it's 3am again....
Its good that you're brave enough to go talk to a therapist. I hate therapists, I always end up quitting my sessions. And you are NOT a failure for taking a long time to get your degree. At least you're working on it. School is just hard. College can be seriously suck-city, imho. Plus its expensive.
ReplyDeleteJust don't be so hard on yourself!
Good luck with the therapist! And don't beat yourself up if a month doesn't feel like enough-- it took a lot longer than that for my therapist to realize platitudes alone weren't helping and to get to know me a little bit.
ReplyDeleteIt seems like you're really hard on yourself :( *Hugs*
OMG VIOLA???
ReplyDeleteI'll make you a deal: I'll do a youtube video of me playing my recorder if you play your viola. Do you have Skype? We can make this work :p
Lol, you can have a ballsack too. I'm thinking they would make neat coin purses with a drawstring top. It wouldn't be so obviously a scrotum, then!
We hold ourselves back because we're afraid of what we'll do after we reach our goal. I mean, what the fuck do you DO if you've already achieved what you set out to do?
Why are we so afraid of our own potential?
Awww I wanna hug your little MSpaint person. Hmmm. . .
HUGGLES!