I'm afraid of becoming my father.....
I think that's why I'm afraid of success.
Even though he is NOT successful...instead he rides on the backs of others.... yet some part of me is afraid that if I somehow became successful, maybe even rich, that i'd become like him.
And he was so cold and cruel when I was a child that even the slightest thought of being more like him terrifies me.
And soooo often Mom has told me that I am like him...
How??? She says I hold grudges. And? He abused my mother physically and abused me and my brother emotionally and spiritually. I don't think I hold a grudge. I just don't want to have anything to do with him. So far I am able to have much contact with my younger siblings that rarely involves him. This has me happy. I'm not out to destroy him. I want my mom's wedding ring back, sure, but mostly I want to forget him entirely.
Let's say...just philosophically for the sake of argument....what if I got rich? Maybe my webcomic gets discovered by Samantha Ronson and she totally loves it and promotes it on her website and I get millions of readers and my comic also gets published as a book and in several languages and while we're dreaming Samannthadecides she wants my viola on her next record.
I said we're dreaming ^_^
Anyway....so I become a billionaire or something.
How does this turn me into daddie dearest?
IT DOESN'T!!
Daddie dearest got where he is today be impoverishing me and my mom and then mooching off his highlmy paid lawyer wife. He didn't earn it himself.
I would be earning my own way. I wouldn't be stepping on anyone or throwing them down.
I also wouldn't be bragging the way he did. Him and his big watches and talk about how God has blessed him. Because God is totally ok with driving a young mother and her 2 kids into poverty.
What would I do if I were rich? Pay off Mom's 2 mortgages for starters. There's a prepayment penalty on my student loans (the early payoff amount includes the projected interest) so why bother? But see that she's taken care off. Daddie dearest can keep mooching off his "better" wife & kids. I wouldn't be surprised if he turned my mom's wedding ring into stepmom's wedding ring. That's the kind of person he is. A parasite.
That dickbag is the reason my life is so hard. Why I'm poor. Why I have am eating disorder.
Fuck yea I hold a grudge.
And now my fear of becoming like him is holding me back. Fuck this.
I wish I didn't carry his name. Sometimes I think about legally changing my last name to match my mother's but then i'd have the same initials as kin kartrashian....and I don't want that ^_^
Could always change it to Ronson.....I'm sure my fave Ronsons areent the only Ronsons in the world so they shouldn't be too annoyed...^_^
Anyway my point is to tell myself that I'm not doomed to become my dad. I might have his temper, but I know how to aim it. I'm willing to hurt rapists and child molesters but I won't take food from a starving widow. Even if I were as well off as he is....money is a tool. Money is not intrinsically evil. What's evil is what certain people do with money. I would do good.
I'm not doomed.
*imitates He-Man* I have the powwwweeerrrrrrr!
Sidenote: I appreciate that She-Ra existed, that such young girls were given a role model like that. But the bantering and the infighting of the bad guys was just more amusing to me on He-Man!
I'm in a much better mood now.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Well the performance went well enough. My straight girl crush and her band played, which I think was the highlight of the night. I tried to record them on my phone but the phone's little mic picked up more drums than anything else.
And something else, a few minor things technically, happened that I need to talk about or at least vent. And it might be triggering to certain dear ones here.
Skip to the bolded sentence, cuz after the bolded sentence I move on.
Family members who hadn't seen me in awhile commented that i'd gained weight. Well duh. Grandpa even poked at my potbelly and said "what's up with this?" And aunt said she was concerned about my health. Yes I know I'm fat now. I wonder if they'd be happy for my fatness if they knew about my past...heh they'd probably just say I wanted attention.
I know I'm fat, and that isn't the disordered mind talking. A doc would back me up on this. I am teetering on the edge of obese. Both of my parents are type 2 diabetics. But I've tried to diet the healthy way and I fail before the end of the day. Just yesterday I had a healthy breakfast of eggs, I worked so it was a gnu bar for lunch. And then I came home and saw Mom got pizza and I ate 4 slices (which was half the pizza) and then 2 boxes of Hello Panda cookies. My stomach was begging for mercy. Thus far today I've had more Hello Panda cookies and chocolate chocolate chocolate. I often feel depressed. How do you lose weight in a healthy way? My brain doesn't seem able to work this way. It's all or nothing.
I should go back to calorie cycling. Having "all days" and "nothing days" was an easier way to ride this tempermental dragon.
end venting rant
But I do want to take a semester off. I look at my transcripts and it's like a litany of failure. I feel weighted down by it. I want to forget about homework and concentrate on my comic for a few months. I feel like getting my comic online and getting some readers will maybe help me feel like I can get stuff done. Like an accomplishment. And maybe then finishing this damn degree won't feel like such a big scary thing.
I continue to play with my penpad and mspaint. I've been playing with the custom color feature and I think I've found a decent shade for my skin tone. My penpad drivers also came bundled with something called Artweaver. I can't really make cartoons with it but when I use artweaver to convert bmps to jpgs I get to adjust the "quality" of the conversion, so I'm experimenting with that. I also found out I can put a single sheet of paper on the penpad and trace thru the paper, but it's harsh on the penpad's pen. So it's back to trying to draw on penpad as naturally as I do on paper.
My main issue is how some characters need to have very exaggerated features, and getting those exaggerations to stay consistent is hard. My hand is too jumpy. I've been testing drawing things large and then shrinking the pic and it does help a bit, but when saved it also gets blurry. Blargh! How does Mich make her lines so clean? My mspaint even makes a black and white pic go wonky! Annoyance!!
And I just discovered that one of the cats projectile vommited all over my bathroom floor. Guess I should be thankful they're too small to aim much higher.
Sigh.
And something else, a few minor things technically, happened that I need to talk about or at least vent. And it might be triggering to certain dear ones here.
Skip to the bolded sentence, cuz after the bolded sentence I move on.
Family members who hadn't seen me in awhile commented that i'd gained weight. Well duh. Grandpa even poked at my potbelly and said "what's up with this?" And aunt said she was concerned about my health. Yes I know I'm fat now. I wonder if they'd be happy for my fatness if they knew about my past...heh they'd probably just say I wanted attention.
I know I'm fat, and that isn't the disordered mind talking. A doc would back me up on this. I am teetering on the edge of obese. Both of my parents are type 2 diabetics. But I've tried to diet the healthy way and I fail before the end of the day. Just yesterday I had a healthy breakfast of eggs, I worked so it was a gnu bar for lunch. And then I came home and saw Mom got pizza and I ate 4 slices (which was half the pizza) and then 2 boxes of Hello Panda cookies. My stomach was begging for mercy. Thus far today I've had more Hello Panda cookies and chocolate chocolate chocolate. I often feel depressed. How do you lose weight in a healthy way? My brain doesn't seem able to work this way. It's all or nothing.
I should go back to calorie cycling. Having "all days" and "nothing days" was an easier way to ride this tempermental dragon.
end venting rant
But I do want to take a semester off. I look at my transcripts and it's like a litany of failure. I feel weighted down by it. I want to forget about homework and concentrate on my comic for a few months. I feel like getting my comic online and getting some readers will maybe help me feel like I can get stuff done. Like an accomplishment. And maybe then finishing this damn degree won't feel like such a big scary thing.
I continue to play with my penpad and mspaint. I've been playing with the custom color feature and I think I've found a decent shade for my skin tone. My penpad drivers also came bundled with something called Artweaver. I can't really make cartoons with it but when I use artweaver to convert bmps to jpgs I get to adjust the "quality" of the conversion, so I'm experimenting with that. I also found out I can put a single sheet of paper on the penpad and trace thru the paper, but it's harsh on the penpad's pen. So it's back to trying to draw on penpad as naturally as I do on paper.
My main issue is how some characters need to have very exaggerated features, and getting those exaggerations to stay consistent is hard. My hand is too jumpy. I've been testing drawing things large and then shrinking the pic and it does help a bit, but when saved it also gets blurry. Blargh! How does Mich make her lines so clean? My mspaint even makes a black and white pic go wonky! Annoyance!!
And I just discovered that one of the cats projectile vommited all over my bathroom floor. Guess I should be thankful they're too small to aim much higher.
Sigh.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
tales of a vampire hermit ^_^
@ tempest: I found them in the drugstore where I work....sometimes they were by the metamucil and Benefiber, and sometimes they were by the diet bars and pills. Right now they're by the diet pills. It's just the kiwi strawberry flavor that was dropped. If all else fails chek kellogg's own website. They have a whole line of Special K stuff. Like 7 different cereal flavors and bars too. And the protein shakes you mentioned. This powder is referred to as Special K Protein Water.
@ Mich: awwwww... you know I like making you happy. This is emotional blackmail! :p
It might happen tho....cuz I've made a fun little discovery. Have to check for any compatibility issues ofc....
So I've spent the past 3 days as a vampire hermit. Nevermind that class started last week and I have yet to email any professors. I did check my grades and they're in the toilet. D- ...sigh.
Nope, instead I've been sleeping all day and fiddling with stuff all night. I've stayed off the internet-connected computer tho...I istalled my penpad on my old old computer in my room. And I've been fighting with my lack of drawing, trying to get these characters to match what's in my head a bit more.
I also installed that keychain camera I got from Thinkgeek awhile back. And I'm having issues with it as well. It works....mostly. the "manual" is a damn joke. I'm never sure what mode it's in. Playing with it I've taken both pictures and audio, but for some reason it doesn't do video. When recording it only gets the sound. But I know the camera lens works cuz I accidently switched to photo mode somehow and got 5 pics before it switched back to "video" dunno how I did that...
But if it's only gonna record sound I can just use my keychain camera to record my viola playing! :p I don't want my face on the internet anyway. And the audio was actually pretty good!
It's labelled as 808 car keys micro-camera, and the photos I took were blurry as hell but I thought I was recording so oops. I gotta show the manual sometime tho. It's such a joke.
But while dealing with this I found a lovely little thing called Windows Movie Maker on my ancient computer (I affectionately call it the Minotaur, as this computer is newer than my dear Dinosaur, which was only 9GB total hard drive and is currently an endstand)
I took the audio from the keychain cam and threw some pictures onto it. Not bad. I wonder if the internet-connected computer has something like this? Cuz that would rock!! I could make little shorts for my comic, maybe set to music? Or I could maybe even narrate? Try my hand at different voices? That could be fun! Have to be careful with the keychain cam tho...it really records just being touched. But I dunno if this Movie Maker would extract an audio from a vid that already had pics. And the keychain cam, if you don't touch it at all while recording....it does get very nice sound!
Oops...and having so little free space on the old Minotaur means I probably shouldn't play with making movies longer than 2 minutes or so xD
The program froze. Oh well, it closed without crashing the Minotaur.
The real question is....can I use this to combine audio files in a way that overlaps them?
Looks promising...I'm testing w the nopic avi vids that the keychain made. And both are playing! But the second is much much softer. Hmmm...hang on I think I accidently split the sound when I wanted to split the pic....new test....nope second clip is still softer. But it switches...it automatically fades second clip in and first one out. Annoyance! How do I turn that off? Blast! No idea....it won't let me lay one audio on top of another. Sigh.
I need whatever Samantha uses to make her mixtapes, huh? Sigh. I can get the volume I want by putting one vid in the Audio track and the other vid in Video track but I can only see the soundwaves when in the Audio track. Annoyance! And I could still only do 2 layers of sound,.... and good luck getting pictures. Ugh...ok need soundmixing software. Ideas?
Could probably still do brief cartoons with sound so long as all the sound was together on one track. Itsd be like these old kid movies I remember....where the pics didn't move....it was like a book on videotape instead of the book on cassettes. Or am I the only one old enough to remember getting kids' books on tape and you read along with the tape. Because you had both book and cassette. Same w book on video. You had the book, and the accompanying video used the same pictures just now there were voices playing the parts and reading and the video would switch between various pictures that you'd already seen if you read the book.
Am I making any sense?
Probably not. Anyway I need to get some sleep. I do have to work later today. Stayed up all night again. Gotta rest up before being a good little retail slave.
ETA: just noticed I got approved for adsense. Need to get on computer and figure out wtf ad channels are!
And sorry that some of them are for pills etc. I was very amused to see an ad for Kind bars tho. I remember reviewing one of those. It was yummy. Must find more Kind bars! Omnomnom.
@ Mich: awwwww... you know I like making you happy. This is emotional blackmail! :p
It might happen tho....cuz I've made a fun little discovery. Have to check for any compatibility issues ofc....
So I've spent the past 3 days as a vampire hermit. Nevermind that class started last week and I have yet to email any professors. I did check my grades and they're in the toilet. D- ...sigh.
Nope, instead I've been sleeping all day and fiddling with stuff all night. I've stayed off the internet-connected computer tho...I istalled my penpad on my old old computer in my room. And I've been fighting with my lack of drawing, trying to get these characters to match what's in my head a bit more.
I also installed that keychain camera I got from Thinkgeek awhile back. And I'm having issues with it as well. It works....mostly. the "manual" is a damn joke. I'm never sure what mode it's in. Playing with it I've taken both pictures and audio, but for some reason it doesn't do video. When recording it only gets the sound. But I know the camera lens works cuz I accidently switched to photo mode somehow and got 5 pics before it switched back to "video" dunno how I did that...
But if it's only gonna record sound I can just use my keychain camera to record my viola playing! :p I don't want my face on the internet anyway. And the audio was actually pretty good!
It's labelled as 808 car keys micro-camera, and the photos I took were blurry as hell but I thought I was recording so oops. I gotta show the manual sometime tho. It's such a joke.
But while dealing with this I found a lovely little thing called Windows Movie Maker on my ancient computer (I affectionately call it the Minotaur, as this computer is newer than my dear Dinosaur, which was only 9GB total hard drive and is currently an endstand)
I took the audio from the keychain cam and threw some pictures onto it. Not bad. I wonder if the internet-connected computer has something like this? Cuz that would rock!! I could make little shorts for my comic, maybe set to music? Or I could maybe even narrate? Try my hand at different voices? That could be fun! Have to be careful with the keychain cam tho...it really records just being touched. But I dunno if this Movie Maker would extract an audio from a vid that already had pics. And the keychain cam, if you don't touch it at all while recording....it does get very nice sound!
Oops...and having so little free space on the old Minotaur means I probably shouldn't play with making movies longer than 2 minutes or so xD
The program froze. Oh well, it closed without crashing the Minotaur.
The real question is....can I use this to combine audio files in a way that overlaps them?
Looks promising...I'm testing w the nopic avi vids that the keychain made. And both are playing! But the second is much much softer. Hmmm...hang on I think I accidently split the sound when I wanted to split the pic....new test....nope second clip is still softer. But it switches...it automatically fades second clip in and first one out. Annoyance! How do I turn that off? Blast! No idea....it won't let me lay one audio on top of another. Sigh.
I need whatever Samantha uses to make her mixtapes, huh? Sigh. I can get the volume I want by putting one vid in the Audio track and the other vid in Video track but I can only see the soundwaves when in the Audio track. Annoyance! And I could still only do 2 layers of sound,.... and good luck getting pictures. Ugh...ok need soundmixing software. Ideas?
Could probably still do brief cartoons with sound so long as all the sound was together on one track. Itsd be like these old kid movies I remember....where the pics didn't move....it was like a book on videotape instead of the book on cassettes. Or am I the only one old enough to remember getting kids' books on tape and you read along with the tape. Because you had both book and cassette. Same w book on video. You had the book, and the accompanying video used the same pictures just now there were voices playing the parts and reading and the video would switch between various pictures that you'd already seen if you read the book.
Am I making any sense?
Probably not. Anyway I need to get some sleep. I do have to work later today. Stayed up all night again. Gotta rest up before being a good little retail slave.
ETA: just noticed I got approved for adsense. Need to get on computer and figure out wtf ad channels are!
And sorry that some of them are for pills etc. I was very amused to see an ad for Kind bars tho. I remember reviewing one of those. It was yummy. Must find more Kind bars! Omnomnom.
Monday, January 16, 2012
Awwww....Peri gave me an award! And i seriously should take care of it now cuz... I have a list somewhere of various awards and question sets that I was assigned to do by my fellow bloggers and of course i forgot and then lost the list because I'm just that blasted disorganized.
Ok if i understand this... 7 things that make me happy, and five peeps i pass this on to.
1. My purrsy kitties. Very hard to be sad or mad when a snuggly kitty is rubbing his face on you and being all cute and lovebuggy. Or when my brother and sister pairing get all cute and snuggled up together. Or the little one huddles under my sweatshirt. Love my kitties. Love my dog too, poor old dear. She's got gray hair!
2. Cliche as it is at this point... Samantha Ronson makes me happy. i do not agree with all of her tastes in music.. some of her likes I don't even consider music. i hate rap. Not a huge hip-hop fan either. i think it's too repetitive. I'd be far more likely to raid Mich's cd rack. But... i do like Samantha's own songs, and her voice is so cute, and the girl herself is one of my inspirations... she's older than me and she's been bullied and possibly abused (you know what I think of a certain ex of hers) and she's still keeping her dignity and she's still trying to follow her dreams. Her slang is definitely dated and at times mildy annoying, but hearing that tiny voice say "this is dope" and all that other dated 90s slang.. it can also make me laugh. I remember those days. Everyone once talked like that.
And it's also a reminder to me that money doesn't bring happiness. She's not part of the 1% by any means, (i'd peg her as upper-middle at most) but she doesn't have to choose between paying rent and buying food either. And she has health care. So she's better off than me but that isn't what brings her happiness. She finds her joy in being with people who love her, and money doesn't buy that. Only being a kind person does.
Here's a link to that video she did... she's sooo cute here!
Samantha's Hello Giggles interview
My fave parts (it's a long vid... almost an hour!!)
13:15 find my friends app, she stalks Sophie on her iphone.
16:08 her crazy hair
18:30 giving encouragement to someone wanting to follow a dream..
19:30 the cuteness.. "31 is young, I'm older than you. I'm insulted.. I'm gonna cry"
too bad there's no legal way to get her old songs. I think that's why she finally decided to go with making her own label. I think it SUCKS when an artist isn't allowed to own her art. Her own work, she pours herself into it... What the hell?
This is what I HATE about the music industry. HOW DARE THEY!!! THIEVES!!! USURPERS! INFIDELS!!!! THOU SHALT NOT STEAL AN ARTIST'S WORK OF THE HEART!!!
27:27 so cute how she gets when she talks about writing a song with her dad. She took a picture of the credit.
And the Mina Kwon she mentions in the vid is actually a longtime fan of hers, they've never met, and she started buying Mina's work and plugging her work... I think it's so sweet how Samantha treats her fans so gently.
Sometimes I get sad for a second when i remember she's not single... but then i remind myself that Erin is a very good match for her and Samantha seems sooo happy... and it's so nice to see that. Finally.
42:16 "I hate cymbals!" "And tamborines! Do not put a tambourine anywhere near me."
3. I love sunsets with clouds. I get annoyed having to work thru a sunset, because I seriously love watching the colors change, like a slowly shifting painting.
4. I love being able to spot a rainbow in the wild. it happens rarely here. My hometown was originally a swamp, and when it rains it really rains, the sun rarely peeks through.
5. I get warm feelings when i see my copy of Underwood... because i remember how when i first read it and posted how much I loved it, and how happy that made Mich and I can't help but notice that Underwood was the first story Mich finally published. And i like to think I helped someone else start reaching for her dream.
6. My friendship with R makes me happy. He walked me thru coming out, self-acceptance, he still is my bodyguard and even occasional beard, and he's just such a good sport. He doesn't always know how to support me, but his intention to support me always comes thru clearly. I always know I'm loved by him, even when we fight. We've known each other for.. 11 years now i think. 11 years in person, and a few years online before that.
7. In certain moods, my viola brings some light in. I don't begrudge my baby for being bought by a jackass. Not Viola's fault! I'm slowly picking out the Rohirrim theme on my viola, actually, because in some ways that's easier than Samantha's music, probably because LOTR was mostly orchestral music, and Samantha uses different instrumentation. Transcribing is always more difficult!
And looks like I hit 7 but i wanna add one more.... I like the signs of encouragement on here. Peri's talking about learning recorder simply because she wants too (yay!) and she's learning to spin and create wearable works of art. She's putting herself on youtube even though she's nervous. Brave!!! Mich is fighting back against the disordered mindset. I think she's starting to see that she's valued for her mind and heart, and that's what makes her beautiful, no matter what. Strong!! I'm seriously looking into launching a webcomic. and yea, I'm scared. But I'm getting people i don't even know telling me to go for it! That's so nice... and it makes a difference. Thank you!!!
i like the community spirit that i sense here, even when i forget people's names (and I do suck at names... Samantha trying to remember where she did the silent DJ thing? yea that's me trying to remember anything at all!)
Ok.. pass it on to five others... man this is hard... how do you choose? i don't want anyone to feel left out.. probably why i so rarely do this part... ok..... Starving Artist/baby sis (she looks like a younger me so i call her baby sis), and i'm flipping a coin from here on out... Tempest, Eloise18, Dumb Brunette, Harlow B.
Oh.. to Peri.. did you get Underwood yet? I vaguely remember reading that you were jealous of mine? Can you get one?
and are you serious about sending NZ soaps all the way to me in America? tease! tease! You just want to get me to do a vlog too! so you can hear if I'm getting it! Maybe if i don't show my face :p
Anyway if you can't get Underwood I'm sure I can get it for you.. I've never mailed internationally tho so I'm gonna be stupid trying to figure it out! Dumb amurican!
And I still have Mich's questions to do... maybe after I shower and go to the blasted rehearsal for the show my mom has drafted me into.
This is how i pay the rent! sigh.
Ok if i understand this... 7 things that make me happy, and five peeps i pass this on to.
1. My purrsy kitties. Very hard to be sad or mad when a snuggly kitty is rubbing his face on you and being all cute and lovebuggy. Or when my brother and sister pairing get all cute and snuggled up together. Or the little one huddles under my sweatshirt. Love my kitties. Love my dog too, poor old dear. She's got gray hair!
2. Cliche as it is at this point... Samantha Ronson makes me happy. i do not agree with all of her tastes in music.. some of her likes I don't even consider music. i hate rap. Not a huge hip-hop fan either. i think it's too repetitive. I'd be far more likely to raid Mich's cd rack. But... i do like Samantha's own songs, and her voice is so cute, and the girl herself is one of my inspirations... she's older than me and she's been bullied and possibly abused (you know what I think of a certain ex of hers) and she's still keeping her dignity and she's still trying to follow her dreams. Her slang is definitely dated and at times mildy annoying, but hearing that tiny voice say "this is dope" and all that other dated 90s slang.. it can also make me laugh. I remember those days. Everyone once talked like that.
And it's also a reminder to me that money doesn't bring happiness. She's not part of the 1% by any means, (i'd peg her as upper-middle at most) but she doesn't have to choose between paying rent and buying food either. And she has health care. So she's better off than me but that isn't what brings her happiness. She finds her joy in being with people who love her, and money doesn't buy that. Only being a kind person does.
Here's a link to that video she did... she's sooo cute here!
Samantha's Hello Giggles interview
My fave parts (it's a long vid... almost an hour!!)
13:15 find my friends app, she stalks Sophie on her iphone.
16:08 her crazy hair
18:30 giving encouragement to someone wanting to follow a dream..
19:30 the cuteness.. "31 is young, I'm older than you. I'm insulted.. I'm gonna cry"
too bad there's no legal way to get her old songs. I think that's why she finally decided to go with making her own label. I think it SUCKS when an artist isn't allowed to own her art. Her own work, she pours herself into it... What the hell?
This is what I HATE about the music industry. HOW DARE THEY!!! THIEVES!!! USURPERS! INFIDELS!!!! THOU SHALT NOT STEAL AN ARTIST'S WORK OF THE HEART!!!
27:27 so cute how she gets when she talks about writing a song with her dad. She took a picture of the credit.
And the Mina Kwon she mentions in the vid is actually a longtime fan of hers, they've never met, and she started buying Mina's work and plugging her work... I think it's so sweet how Samantha treats her fans so gently.
Sometimes I get sad for a second when i remember she's not single... but then i remind myself that Erin is a very good match for her and Samantha seems sooo happy... and it's so nice to see that. Finally.
42:16 "I hate cymbals!" "And tamborines! Do not put a tambourine anywhere near me."
3. I love sunsets with clouds. I get annoyed having to work thru a sunset, because I seriously love watching the colors change, like a slowly shifting painting.
4. I love being able to spot a rainbow in the wild. it happens rarely here. My hometown was originally a swamp, and when it rains it really rains, the sun rarely peeks through.
5. I get warm feelings when i see my copy of Underwood... because i remember how when i first read it and posted how much I loved it, and how happy that made Mich and I can't help but notice that Underwood was the first story Mich finally published. And i like to think I helped someone else start reaching for her dream.
6. My friendship with R makes me happy. He walked me thru coming out, self-acceptance, he still is my bodyguard and even occasional beard, and he's just such a good sport. He doesn't always know how to support me, but his intention to support me always comes thru clearly. I always know I'm loved by him, even when we fight. We've known each other for.. 11 years now i think. 11 years in person, and a few years online before that.
7. In certain moods, my viola brings some light in. I don't begrudge my baby for being bought by a jackass. Not Viola's fault! I'm slowly picking out the Rohirrim theme on my viola, actually, because in some ways that's easier than Samantha's music, probably because LOTR was mostly orchestral music, and Samantha uses different instrumentation. Transcribing is always more difficult!
And looks like I hit 7 but i wanna add one more.... I like the signs of encouragement on here. Peri's talking about learning recorder simply because she wants too (yay!) and she's learning to spin and create wearable works of art. She's putting herself on youtube even though she's nervous. Brave!!! Mich is fighting back against the disordered mindset. I think she's starting to see that she's valued for her mind and heart, and that's what makes her beautiful, no matter what. Strong!! I'm seriously looking into launching a webcomic. and yea, I'm scared. But I'm getting people i don't even know telling me to go for it! That's so nice... and it makes a difference. Thank you!!!
i like the community spirit that i sense here, even when i forget people's names (and I do suck at names... Samantha trying to remember where she did the silent DJ thing? yea that's me trying to remember anything at all!)
Ok.. pass it on to five others... man this is hard... how do you choose? i don't want anyone to feel left out.. probably why i so rarely do this part... ok..... Starving Artist/baby sis (she looks like a younger me so i call her baby sis), and i'm flipping a coin from here on out... Tempest, Eloise18, Dumb Brunette, Harlow B.
Oh.. to Peri.. did you get Underwood yet? I vaguely remember reading that you were jealous of mine? Can you get one?
and are you serious about sending NZ soaps all the way to me in America? tease! tease! You just want to get me to do a vlog too! so you can hear if I'm getting it! Maybe if i don't show my face :p
Anyway if you can't get Underwood I'm sure I can get it for you.. I've never mailed internationally tho so I'm gonna be stupid trying to figure it out! Dumb amurican!
And I still have Mich's questions to do... maybe after I shower and go to the blasted rehearsal for the show my mom has drafted me into.
This is how i pay the rent! sigh.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
food reviews!
A couple things went clearance at work. Am at work now actually. Lunch break!
Snickers marathon smart start bar, crunchy honey graham flavor....zomg yum!! 140cal 22g carbs 4g total fat, 1.5g saturated fat, 3g fiber, 5g protein. 10g sugar...maybe why it tastes so good. This flavor is soft and kinda chewey actually with a thin layer of chocolate on the bottom. I gotta go get the rest of these mmmmm.... they both taste and look like someone made bars out of graham crumb and peanut mix, coated it in honey and then laid the bar down in a small pool of chocolate while it baked or hardened or something. The only problem is the size. These things are a tiny 1.23oz so I got a second bar to try....
It's odwalla chocolate chip peanut bar and it seems familiar. Did I review them before? Anyway it is a bit bigger at 2oz and has a soft crumbly texture like an oatmeal cookie, a soft one. With chocolate chips and whole peanuts mixed in instead of raisins. Sometimes I thought I tasted a bit of raisin tho, not complaining. This bar has plum puree and date puree listed as ingredients, so many I can't tell the difference between that and raisins. Never had dates by themselves.(har har) 230cal. Total fat 8g, 1.5g sat fat. 33g carbs, 4g fiber 14g sugar, 7g protein.
Last up....a quick note about special k protein water, it's a powdered mix in little tubes. Strawberry kiwi flavor and I do like it. 30cal is kinda high for a water mix I think tho. But I do like the taste. It likes to have a thin layer of foam or something on top too ^_^.
Anyway 30cal, no fat, 40mg sodium, no sugar (?!) 6g carbs, 5g fiber, 5g protein. And about 20 percent each of vitamin B6, B12 and niacin.
It could dissolve better tho. Even my blenderbottle is having issues. Like 15 or so lil pink beads floating around on the bottom. Ha!
Snickers marathon smart start bar, crunchy honey graham flavor....zomg yum!! 140cal 22g carbs 4g total fat, 1.5g saturated fat, 3g fiber, 5g protein. 10g sugar...maybe why it tastes so good. This flavor is soft and kinda chewey actually with a thin layer of chocolate on the bottom. I gotta go get the rest of these mmmmm.... they both taste and look like someone made bars out of graham crumb and peanut mix, coated it in honey and then laid the bar down in a small pool of chocolate while it baked or hardened or something. The only problem is the size. These things are a tiny 1.23oz so I got a second bar to try....
It's odwalla chocolate chip peanut bar and it seems familiar. Did I review them before? Anyway it is a bit bigger at 2oz and has a soft crumbly texture like an oatmeal cookie, a soft one. With chocolate chips and whole peanuts mixed in instead of raisins. Sometimes I thought I tasted a bit of raisin tho, not complaining. This bar has plum puree and date puree listed as ingredients, so many I can't tell the difference between that and raisins. Never had dates by themselves.(har har) 230cal. Total fat 8g, 1.5g sat fat. 33g carbs, 4g fiber 14g sugar, 7g protein.
Last up....a quick note about special k protein water, it's a powdered mix in little tubes. Strawberry kiwi flavor and I do like it. 30cal is kinda high for a water mix I think tho. But I do like the taste. It likes to have a thin layer of foam or something on top too ^_^.
Anyway 30cal, no fat, 40mg sodium, no sugar (?!) 6g carbs, 5g fiber, 5g protein. And about 20 percent each of vitamin B6, B12 and niacin.
It could dissolve better tho. Even my blenderbottle is having issues. Like 15 or so lil pink beads floating around on the bottom. Ha!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Well it is done. I ended up exporting my blog on my phone, of all places, but it's done. I applied for adsense and hopefully I will soon be learning how it works. I'll know in about a week if I'm accepted (tech 4 business days) and if they deny this blog they'll probably deny my comic too so it'll be straight to Project Wonderful ^_^
Honestl if I earn just 3 cents from this blog I'll be thrilled! Because the purpose is to learn how to use it.
More comic news: I remembered R also has a website so I have someone I can bug in person about how these things work.
And while trying to review my html lessons.... I saw just how much the internet has changed.
I last designed webpages like 8 years ago. The cyberworld has changed. Most of the commands and scripts I worked so hard on back then are now obsolete.
So time to admit I'm starting over and just go from there.
The good news is seems these style sheet things have basically replaced a lot of the old html tags, so maybe I can do some sort of mental flipover and get my old knowledge to translate into the new stuff? Worth a shot.....the time's going to pass anyway. Might as well do something that will lead to my happiness.
also....I think I forgot to mention that I did join youtube awhile ago using this account. There's nothing there yet tho.
Blah....am in the middle of womanlies so when I haven't been working I've been sleeping, or curled up with chocolate and a website lesson. Or a book. But mostly sleeping and chocolate and heating pads. Yay for mobile internet.
Samantha Ronson did an interview for the Hello Giggles website her friend Sofia helped found. Zooey DeChanel (spelling?) Is also involved. Anyway they also have a youtube and throwing Chasing the Reds into youtube search brought it up so I got to watch Samantha be all cute & shy on my phone. She did finally say she wasn't single, which was nice, but I get why she's trying to be quiet about it. She doesn't want the damn paparazzi hounding her when she's out with her girl.
I got a letter from uni that I'm on academic probation. Great...means I can't even enroll without advisor's signature. So guess I go some emails to write.
I'm tired. Stupid hormones. I don't even have a large to-do list but it feels huge anyway.
Back to bed.
Honestl if I earn just 3 cents from this blog I'll be thrilled! Because the purpose is to learn how to use it.
More comic news: I remembered R also has a website so I have someone I can bug in person about how these things work.
And while trying to review my html lessons.... I saw just how much the internet has changed.
I last designed webpages like 8 years ago. The cyberworld has changed. Most of the commands and scripts I worked so hard on back then are now obsolete.
So time to admit I'm starting over and just go from there.
The good news is seems these style sheet things have basically replaced a lot of the old html tags, so maybe I can do some sort of mental flipover and get my old knowledge to translate into the new stuff? Worth a shot.....the time's going to pass anyway. Might as well do something that will lead to my happiness.
also....I think I forgot to mention that I did join youtube awhile ago using this account. There's nothing there yet tho.
Blah....am in the middle of womanlies so when I haven't been working I've been sleeping, or curled up with chocolate and a website lesson. Or a book. But mostly sleeping and chocolate and heating pads. Yay for mobile internet.
Samantha Ronson did an interview for the Hello Giggles website her friend Sofia helped found. Zooey DeChanel (spelling?) Is also involved. Anyway they also have a youtube and throwing Chasing the Reds into youtube search brought it up so I got to watch Samantha be all cute & shy on my phone. She did finally say she wasn't single, which was nice, but I get why she's trying to be quiet about it. She doesn't want the damn paparazzi hounding her when she's out with her girl.
I got a letter from uni that I'm on academic probation. Great...means I can't even enroll without advisor's signature. So guess I go some emails to write.
I'm tired. Stupid hormones. I don't even have a large to-do list but it feels huge anyway.
Back to bed.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
more blather on website making...with experiments ^_^
reading reading reading on website creation...
register domain name- needs yearly renewal- costs $
buy hosting space- usually monthly fee- more $
seems i'd also pay for the bandwidth i use, depending on the host's deal? so yet more $
hence me admitting i'll need to run ads to pay for it.... or write a kickass book a la Mich ^_^
She's still queen there tho.
anyway.....
if my host doesn't provide a basic html editor... wtf do i do?
Need to review my old html books. Ugh.. I'm sure they're outdated by now. testing old memories...doing all in the Edit HTML tag
nesting tags
ads to help with money to keep comic up....
I've got another vote for Project Wonderful from zephora (lovely name).
And peri has a good idea about networking (and begging for tips from other comic writers. I'm pretty sure "competition" isn't stiff with comics.. cuz we can all read all sorts of comics.)
Also thanks for topwebcomics site... I can see there's lots of room for crazy variety in the webcomic world.
It's a bit freeing.. and also intimidating.. how could i possibly get noticed with other comics that have much better artwork?
Then again... is xkcd known for its stellar artwork?
Could my mspaint really hold attention?
But... Hyperbole! Mich! They rock! I love them! isn't it possible someone else could like mine? Comics can be in many styles... right? Including an mspaint EMBRACE THE CHEESE kinda cubic style?
Also gonna start looking at the html for my faves... looks like I need to find out what this CSS/stylesheet stuff is.
wtf is php???
Blah! Ok... what are my main worries about launching a comic? Let me start there... cuz I'm feeling frozen...
fear that the webhost is a liar and will eat my comic, thus wasting my money.
Go with reputable hosts.... thus far most "votes" are for godaddy for the domain name, and either webs.com or host gator for the hosting space itself.
And always keep a backup of my site on my computer. barebones html does not take up a lot of space.
second biggest worry.....can i actually update it without doing something that makes the whole site crash?
Solution... umm... uh....
yea.
(distracted by reading Earthsong)
where was i? Oh yea.. wtf is php and how can i create a website and then update it in a manner that doesn't involve redoing the index page every time i have a new comic to post?
and yes... I just read ALL of the Earthsong saga thus far.
Might explain why it's 2am.
and i still have no fucking clue how to get my comic off the ground. I do feel more intimidated though.
maybe i should just buy a domain and hosting somewhere (where???) and then at least i'll have a site to practice html on!
and i thought youtube had video editors they included when you used their site?
fuck yet again!!
awwww... i just got a tag error on edit html form.. and it actually told me where the error was.. how nice!! Draft is being saved again!
just saw a tiny scar on my hand from a nasty scratch I got at work the other day. it was red and puffy yesterday and is calmed and flat today. Weird but i kissed that poor little scar. My little hands take way too much of a beating at that place.
I wish i could wear gloves while working. Too many sick people coughing, or licking their thumbs before handling their money.. and gross sweaty ladies keeping their cash in their bras EWWWWWWW.
I have to get this comic up. Story ideas crowd my head! For the comic, the characters, the silliness they do. A safe place to escape from shit.
And the hope that i could make a living from cartooning. Or something that I love to do. Trying to get this comic up has also pulled all my other stories out of hibernation and now they're crowding my head too! Multiple comics? i don't know... something that I love tho.... and I'm used to living on very little. I don't need much. And the freedom of being away from that place would be worth far more than money.
No amount of money can ever buy back time.
register domain name- needs yearly renewal- costs $
buy hosting space- usually monthly fee- more $
seems i'd also pay for the bandwidth i use, depending on the host's deal? so yet more $
hence me admitting i'll need to run ads to pay for it.... or write a kickass book a la Mich ^_^
She's still queen there tho.
anyway.....
if my host doesn't provide a basic html editor... wtf do i do?
Need to review my old html books. Ugh.. I'm sure they're outdated by now. testing old memories...doing all in the Edit HTML tag
nesting tags
h1
h2
h3
h4
(eta: wtf w the color change? How did i do that? H4 tag never did that for me before!)ads to help with money to keep comic up....
I've got another vote for Project Wonderful from zephora (lovely name).
And peri has a good idea about networking (and begging for tips from other comic writers. I'm pretty sure "competition" isn't stiff with comics.. cuz we can all read all sorts of comics.)
Also thanks for topwebcomics site... I can see there's lots of room for crazy variety in the webcomic world.
It's a bit freeing.. and also intimidating.. how could i possibly get noticed with other comics that have much better artwork?
Then again... is xkcd known for its stellar artwork?
Could my mspaint really hold attention?
But... Hyperbole! Mich! They rock! I love them! isn't it possible someone else could like mine? Comics can be in many styles... right? Including an mspaint EMBRACE THE CHEESE kinda cubic style?
Also gonna start looking at the html for my faves... looks like I need to find out what this CSS/stylesheet stuff is.
wtf is php???
Blah! Ok... what are my main worries about launching a comic? Let me start there... cuz I'm feeling frozen...
fear that the webhost is a liar and will eat my comic, thus wasting my money.
Go with reputable hosts.... thus far most "votes" are for godaddy for the domain name, and either webs.com or host gator for the hosting space itself.
And always keep a backup of my site on my computer. barebones html does not take up a lot of space.
second biggest worry.....can i actually update it without doing something that makes the whole site crash?
Solution... umm... uh....
yea.
(distracted by reading Earthsong)
where was i? Oh yea.. wtf is php and how can i create a website and then update it in a manner that doesn't involve redoing the index page every time i have a new comic to post?
and yes... I just read ALL of the Earthsong saga thus far.
Might explain why it's 2am.
and i still have no fucking clue how to get my comic off the ground. I do feel more intimidated though.
maybe i should just buy a domain and hosting somewhere (where???) and then at least i'll have a site to practice html on!
FUCK!!!
and i thought youtube had video editors they included when you used their site?
fuck yet again!!
awwww... i just got a tag error on edit html form.. and it actually told me where the error was.. how nice!! Draft is being saved again!
just saw a tiny scar on my hand from a nasty scratch I got at work the other day. it was red and puffy yesterday and is calmed and flat today. Weird but i kissed that poor little scar. My little hands take way too much of a beating at that place.
I wish i could wear gloves while working. Too many sick people coughing, or licking their thumbs before handling their money.. and gross sweaty ladies keeping their cash in their bras EWWWWWWW.
I have to get this comic up. Story ideas crowd my head! For the comic, the characters, the silliness they do. A safe place to escape from shit.
And the hope that i could make a living from cartooning. Or something that I love to do. Trying to get this comic up has also pulled all my other stories out of hibernation and now they're crowding my head too! Multiple comics? i don't know... something that I love tho.... and I'm used to living on very little. I don't need much. And the freedom of being away from that place would be worth far more than money.
No amount of money can ever buy back time.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
long blather on my issues with making websites and ideas
wtf am I doing up?
Attempting to research advertising sources, that's what!!!
Must do webcomic!!! Dunno where to get a domain yet, but i like putting the cart before the horse :p
AdSense is one option..... but they seem strict! And wtf needing to hit $100 before they pay me?
Anyway my fave webcomic egscomics.com (yes i'm plugging him again) uses something called Project Wonderful... and they seem cool.
I don't have any accounts with either of these ad groups yet. I'm still thinking. Project Wonderful also says they'll work with anyone because they basically just give you a script that you copy-paste onto your site. They even say they can work on Blogger.
i also ran into something called Site Build It! which is basically you hiring tech types to build your website for you. You supply the content... and they hook you up with ads and they create the coding that makes your site look the way you want it. They'll also handle forums if you want a board for your fans to meet you, assuming you are kickass enough to get fans.
Buuut... it's $300 each year. And while I do have it for this year, even factoring in a $500 car repair bill (I still haven't gotten my car in to be checked, poor thing) and a $1500 tuition bill..... do i want it? How complicated can putting MSPaint pictures up be? But then I think.... every time i put a new comic up... doesn't that mean redoing the index to show the new comic and turning the old index into a named page... or something?
I used to have a Geocities account waaaaaaay back when. It was pretty bare-bones and ofc only ran the standard Geocities ads that i didn't even place. (or get money off of)
Anyway I have the money....
How do i have it?
Cuz I'm a cheapskate who mooches off my Mom. No rent for me. She covers the house. She pays utilities (and I am using waaaay too much electricity staying up all damn night) She buys the food (which explains the pickings around here heh)
And i seriously don't deserve it. My Mom fucking ROCKS.
But I still want ads to cover whatever my website ends up costing... and maybe some extra to help Mom with that electric bill. Sorry, Mom!!
I did have a secondary idea once i saw all that Site Build it! offered...... but i'm probably reinventing the wheel. I'll float it by you all. Tell me if I'm running a hamster wheel.
Yummy Secrets collects and publishes reports and articles she finds about how the medical and social communities think aand treat eating disorders. PrettyThin is a community of people who have such disorders but medical professionals are apparently welcome.
My thought was... we're the people dealing with these thoughts... so shouldn't we be the people teaching what this condition is really like? Shouldn't our opinions be included in the top-level research? Why aren't our viewpoints included in the case studies done on us? One blogger here actually found herself in a case study, and she was devastated to read what the therapist/researcher really thought of her.
My fave feminist professor always said that researcher objectivity is a myth.
Because even the stuff the researcher notices will be determined by what the researcher is unconsciously looking for. The very observations are affected by the bias in what the researcher expects. The researcher's own situation will color what the researcher sees. it's inevitable.
And then there's how all research is really only done on those who have been treated, or at least "officially diagnosed" so there's a section of people that are excluded even from what research does happen.
I just had the thought about starting a website that would basically be aimed at the non-disordered, especially the treatment people, who would be outright asked to listen to us directly. And I'd want to include stories like the one i mentioned earlier... as well as anyone else who felt that treatment made things worse (I've heard that a few times now, after all)
I'd also want to try to get some recovery tips up for the many many sufferers who simply can't afford any sort of treatment. Tips written by other ED-sufferers who also want to get better, or at least stay alive.
Including me... my story would be there too. As would the method i now use to get back to eating when i relapse.
I'd want to collect and publish any story sent to me about how that person's ed started. Because we all have different stories.
Something Fishy does something similar to this idea but they seem to censor things a bit.. I can't explain how.. but I feel ... not-fully-open over there.
So am i reinventing the wheel or what?
Webcomic is gonna happen either way tho.. I just have to figure out HOW!
Grrr!!! I'm feeling stuck in feverish-frustrated-creator mode... can't figure out the best way to do what i want to do! Probably why i keep getting other project ideas... takes the heat off of the one I'm most wanting!
i even dug the viola out!!! And finished the rough draft (extremely rough) for my dictation of Samantha Ronson's song 'Pedestals'.
Now if only I could figure out how I'm supposed to decide which key signature to write and how do you decide the time signature? Once i get that done, whoch note is a quarter vs an eighth etc will just fall into place. or maybe I'm doing it backwards?
My brain is stuck in that wants-to-work-but-really-needs-sleep mode. UGH!!!!
Attempting to research advertising sources, that's what!!!
Must do webcomic!!! Dunno where to get a domain yet, but i like putting the cart before the horse :p
AdSense is one option..... but they seem strict! And wtf needing to hit $100 before they pay me?
Anyway my fave webcomic egscomics.com (yes i'm plugging him again) uses something called Project Wonderful... and they seem cool.
I don't have any accounts with either of these ad groups yet. I'm still thinking. Project Wonderful also says they'll work with anyone because they basically just give you a script that you copy-paste onto your site. They even say they can work on Blogger.
i also ran into something called Site Build It! which is basically you hiring tech types to build your website for you. You supply the content... and they hook you up with ads and they create the coding that makes your site look the way you want it. They'll also handle forums if you want a board for your fans to meet you, assuming you are kickass enough to get fans.
Buuut... it's $300 each year. And while I do have it for this year, even factoring in a $500 car repair bill (I still haven't gotten my car in to be checked, poor thing) and a $1500 tuition bill..... do i want it? How complicated can putting MSPaint pictures up be? But then I think.... every time i put a new comic up... doesn't that mean redoing the index to show the new comic and turning the old index into a named page... or something?
I used to have a Geocities account waaaaaaay back when. It was pretty bare-bones and ofc only ran the standard Geocities ads that i didn't even place. (or get money off of)
Anyway I have the money....
How do i have it?
Cuz I'm a cheapskate who mooches off my Mom. No rent for me. She covers the house. She pays utilities (and I am using waaaay too much electricity staying up all damn night) She buys the food (which explains the pickings around here heh)
And i seriously don't deserve it. My Mom fucking ROCKS.
But I still want ads to cover whatever my website ends up costing... and maybe some extra to help Mom with that electric bill. Sorry, Mom!!
I did have a secondary idea once i saw all that Site Build it! offered...... but i'm probably reinventing the wheel. I'll float it by you all. Tell me if I'm running a hamster wheel.
Yummy Secrets collects and publishes reports and articles she finds about how the medical and social communities think aand treat eating disorders. PrettyThin is a community of people who have such disorders but medical professionals are apparently welcome.
My thought was... we're the people dealing with these thoughts... so shouldn't we be the people teaching what this condition is really like? Shouldn't our opinions be included in the top-level research? Why aren't our viewpoints included in the case studies done on us? One blogger here actually found herself in a case study, and she was devastated to read what the therapist/researcher really thought of her.
My fave feminist professor always said that researcher objectivity is a myth.
Because even the stuff the researcher notices will be determined by what the researcher is unconsciously looking for. The very observations are affected by the bias in what the researcher expects. The researcher's own situation will color what the researcher sees. it's inevitable.
And then there's how all research is really only done on those who have been treated, or at least "officially diagnosed" so there's a section of people that are excluded even from what research does happen.
I just had the thought about starting a website that would basically be aimed at the non-disordered, especially the treatment people, who would be outright asked to listen to us directly. And I'd want to include stories like the one i mentioned earlier... as well as anyone else who felt that treatment made things worse (I've heard that a few times now, after all)
I'd also want to try to get some recovery tips up for the many many sufferers who simply can't afford any sort of treatment. Tips written by other ED-sufferers who also want to get better, or at least stay alive.
Including me... my story would be there too. As would the method i now use to get back to eating when i relapse.
I'd want to collect and publish any story sent to me about how that person's ed started. Because we all have different stories.
Something Fishy does something similar to this idea but they seem to censor things a bit.. I can't explain how.. but I feel ... not-fully-open over there.
So am i reinventing the wheel or what?
Webcomic is gonna happen either way tho.. I just have to figure out HOW!
Grrr!!! I'm feeling stuck in feverish-frustrated-creator mode... can't figure out the best way to do what i want to do! Probably why i keep getting other project ideas... takes the heat off of the one I'm most wanting!
i even dug the viola out!!! And finished the rough draft (extremely rough) for my dictation of Samantha Ronson's song 'Pedestals'.
Now if only I could figure out how I'm supposed to decide which key signature to write and how do you decide the time signature? Once i get that done, whoch note is a quarter vs an eighth etc will just fall into place. or maybe I'm doing it backwards?
My brain is stuck in that wants-to-work-but-really-needs-sleep mode. UGH!!!!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
*hugs*
Hugs
hugs and hugs and more hugs.
You rock.
Underwood sleeps by my bed (and sometimes in it... or on my glasses)
And Fairy Queen still fucking rocks.
And you are worth it.
and more hugs.
hugs and hugs and more hugs.
You rock.
Underwood sleeps by my bed (and sometimes in it... or on my glasses)
And Fairy Queen still fucking rocks.
And you are worth it.
and more hugs.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
look what i found!
http://www.drsarahravin.com/web/pdf/AN-Guisinger-article.pdf
I don't think this article is the be-all-end-all, but I do think this here is a big piece of the puzzle to the maze so many of us are trapped in.
We are, quite literally, built this way. Pics to prove it in there.
Lots of people grow up in abusive homes. Not all those abused kids go ana as a result.
Something about our brains is just plain different.
It's not caused by abuse any more than alcoholism is caused by abuse. When someone's in pain, she tries to deal.
And genetics can play a huge role in how she deals.
I wanted out of that house desperately. So this article clicked home for me when it said that my body was trying to migrate away. Trying to pull up stakes and run.
When that "church" voted to basically deny me a place at God's table (or their corner of God's table) i wanted OUT OF THERE. How i got out was irrelevant. I wanted to leave.
Whenever i get unhappy enough to want to leave... i stop eating. Like a compulsion. It is a compulsion. Often without even thinking about it, i stop. Autopilot.
Emotion is still mixed in there... but i also feel like I've got another part of the puzzle. When faced with the need to leave, even if i don't physically go anywhere, i still have this huge need to not eat.
Who knew that that might have been an evolutionary advantage at some point?
I do think she needs to show more respect to emotional upheavals. She seems to think ana is all just a matter of purely objective brain chemical interactions. Umm.. I disagree. And I think an ana-sufferer knows a bit more about this stuff than someone who can only look in from the outside, don't you?
(edit: to Peri... what clef is the recorder in? I don't know anything about wind instruments but if you can give me the basic info I can find someone who does. i know lots of music teachers!)
I don't think this article is the be-all-end-all, but I do think this here is a big piece of the puzzle to the maze so many of us are trapped in.
We are, quite literally, built this way. Pics to prove it in there.
Lots of people grow up in abusive homes. Not all those abused kids go ana as a result.
Something about our brains is just plain different.
It's not caused by abuse any more than alcoholism is caused by abuse. When someone's in pain, she tries to deal.
And genetics can play a huge role in how she deals.
I wanted out of that house desperately. So this article clicked home for me when it said that my body was trying to migrate away. Trying to pull up stakes and run.
When that "church" voted to basically deny me a place at God's table (or their corner of God's table) i wanted OUT OF THERE. How i got out was irrelevant. I wanted to leave.
Whenever i get unhappy enough to want to leave... i stop eating. Like a compulsion. It is a compulsion. Often without even thinking about it, i stop. Autopilot.
Emotion is still mixed in there... but i also feel like I've got another part of the puzzle. When faced with the need to leave, even if i don't physically go anywhere, i still have this huge need to not eat.
Who knew that that might have been an evolutionary advantage at some point?
I do think she needs to show more respect to emotional upheavals. She seems to think ana is all just a matter of purely objective brain chemical interactions. Umm.. I disagree. And I think an ana-sufferer knows a bit more about this stuff than someone who can only look in from the outside, don't you?
(edit: to Peri... what clef is the recorder in? I don't know anything about wind instruments but if you can give me the basic info I can find someone who does. i know lots of music teachers!)
So yesterday was my first day off in like a week. Think I had a 6 day stretch. All I remember right now it how sore I got. Back was sooooo stiff. So I basically laid around yesterday trying to get my spine back in place.
Peri posted her resolutions list and it got me thinking....
Am on phone so will be brief.
I want my stories. That youtube show idea *will* be turned into a webcomic somehow. I must have it up by december 2012....so if the world does end at least I got one big goal done ^_^
Gotta talk to Mich about how she did her website, cuz I also want to use a pen name. And it's been years since I made a website...and I've never owed a domain. How do you do that?
Probably gonna use a few ads to pay to keep the comic domain up etc. Which means I should probably start experimenting w adsense here soon, so I know how it works before I launch the comic. Please try to not be hugely mad?
Meanwhile I'm needing sleep before I go crazy.
Laterzzzzzz
Peri posted her resolutions list and it got me thinking....
Am on phone so will be brief.
I want my stories. That youtube show idea *will* be turned into a webcomic somehow. I must have it up by december 2012....so if the world does end at least I got one big goal done ^_^
Gotta talk to Mich about how she did her website, cuz I also want to use a pen name. And it's been years since I made a website...and I've never owed a domain. How do you do that?
Probably gonna use a few ads to pay to keep the comic domain up etc. Which means I should probably start experimenting w adsense here soon, so I know how it works before I launch the comic. Please try to not be hugely mad?
Meanwhile I'm needing sleep before I go crazy.
Laterzzzzzz
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