I'm afraid of becoming my father.....
I think that's why I'm afraid of success.
Even though he is NOT successful...instead he rides on the backs of others.... yet some part of me is afraid that if I somehow became successful, maybe even rich, that i'd become like him.
And he was so cold and cruel when I was a child that even the slightest thought of being more like him terrifies me.
And soooo often Mom has told me that I am like him...
How??? She says I hold grudges. And? He abused my mother physically and abused me and my brother emotionally and spiritually. I don't think I hold a grudge. I just don't want to have anything to do with him. So far I am able to have much contact with my younger siblings that rarely involves him. This has me happy. I'm not out to destroy him. I want my mom's wedding ring back, sure, but mostly I want to forget him entirely.
Let's say...just philosophically for the sake of argument....what if I got rich? Maybe my webcomic gets discovered by Samantha Ronson and she totally loves it and promotes it on her website and I get millions of readers and my comic also gets published as a book and in several languages and while we're dreaming Samannthadecides she wants my viola on her next record.
I said we're dreaming ^_^
Anyway....so I become a billionaire or something.
How does this turn me into daddie dearest?
IT DOESN'T!!
Daddie dearest got where he is today be impoverishing me and my mom and then mooching off his highlmy paid lawyer wife. He didn't earn it himself.
I would be earning my own way. I wouldn't be stepping on anyone or throwing them down.
I also wouldn't be bragging the way he did. Him and his big watches and talk about how God has blessed him. Because God is totally ok with driving a young mother and her 2 kids into poverty.
What would I do if I were rich? Pay off Mom's 2 mortgages for starters. There's a prepayment penalty on my student loans (the early payoff amount includes the projected interest) so why bother? But see that she's taken care off. Daddie dearest can keep mooching off his "better" wife & kids. I wouldn't be surprised if he turned my mom's wedding ring into stepmom's wedding ring. That's the kind of person he is. A parasite.
That dickbag is the reason my life is so hard. Why I'm poor. Why I have am eating disorder.
Fuck yea I hold a grudge.
And now my fear of becoming like him is holding me back. Fuck this.
I wish I didn't carry his name. Sometimes I think about legally changing my last name to match my mother's but then i'd have the same initials as kin kartrashian....and I don't want that ^_^
Could always change it to Ronson.....I'm sure my fave Ronsons areent the only Ronsons in the world so they shouldn't be too annoyed...^_^
Anyway my point is to tell myself that I'm not doomed to become my dad. I might have his temper, but I know how to aim it. I'm willing to hurt rapists and child molesters but I won't take food from a starving widow. Even if I were as well off as he is....money is a tool. Money is not intrinsically evil. What's evil is what certain people do with money. I would do good.
I'm not doomed.
*imitates He-Man* I have the powwwweeerrrrrrr!
Sidenote: I appreciate that She-Ra existed, that such young girls were given a role model like that. But the bantering and the infighting of the bad guys was just more amusing to me on He-Man!
I'm in a much better mood now.
Wow, you Dad sounds like a total asshole! With that concrete example of what you DO NOT want to be, you will never become it.
ReplyDeleteYou could change your last tame to a matronymic of your Mother's name? Lol, she'd probably be really flattered or something.
You are so right. It's not the tools themselves, it's the people that use them that cause the grief.
On a similar subject it has taken an EXPERT to finally tell people over here that it's not the dogs that cause problems, its the way their owners train them, and therefore the PEOPLE that are the problem. I could have told them that DECADES ago!
You will never become your Dad, because you obviously have good ethics and decent moral fibre while he does not. You will go far where he would flail horribly.
Thank you so much for the comment, can I hug you until your eyes pop out? *Squeezy huggles*
Love you so very very much.
xoxo
P.S.
ReplyDeleteThe Original Alice is amazing. Have you read Through the Looking glass as well? BRILLIANT!
I'm so going to do the regional accent tag meme thing now.
Wow, good idea to keep kitties in! I let Ink roam coz we were far enough away from the motorway, but I didn't realise how many people sped down that street. Poor kitteh, I still miss him.
Give your kitties some smooches for me!
<3
I know what you mean about being scared to become your dad--I am scared sh*tless I'm going to turn into my mother. It makes me terrified of having kids because as much as I really REALLY want children, I don't want to be the angry nagging schizo that she was (and still is sometimes). Dad's not much better tho. :( He used to be awesome, but then he "found Jesus" and it was like he decided the kids from the first marriages didn't matter anymore. What is up with men?!?! It's like all they care about is going around setting up franchises.
ReplyDeleteI think it's important to remember that even if we share some characteristics of our parents (which is unavoidable what with sharing half their dna), we can't possibly share all of their personality traits. Whatever made your dad and my mum the way they are is partially due to their experiences, which are different from ours. And also, I think that recognizing the traits that we DON'T want and remembering them makes a big difference.
You're a much better class of person than the Kardashians, so I don't think anyone would ever associate you with them, even with the same initials. ;) Is your middle name a K as well? Then you'd be KKK, which I would find hilarious even though I'm pretty sure that means my sense of humour is far sicker than I originally thought...
Name changing is a giant pain in the rear. I started the process (to take Mum's maiden name--Henry), but got lazy and gave up...
<3 u!!