Ok....so I made my fatness pic my phone's background yesterday. Every time I checck my phone I am confronted with my fatness. Soooo....I pigged out on chocolate WHY???

Sigh.... probably stess over the online class.....it's like a weight over my head and the more I try to ignore it the heavier it gets. Haven't logged on since I emailed an assignment to the prof.

So I'm gonna baw about that class and my self-defeatist bullshit.

It often seems like I have success issues. Like I am afraid to do well. Like I am afraid to graduate.
And I am afraid of fessing up to mistakes that I already know I've made.
I feel like I need to punish myself for missing those assignments and flunking the class seems like the deserved punishment. And then I could stop thinking about it and feeling guilty about it.
But why be afraid of passing?
Cuz I'm even more afraid of the post-college world.
Afraid I won't cut it.
Afraid my degree is worthless anyway.
It's more ok to work retail if you don't have a college degree.
For a college grad to have my job is just sad.

If I do nothing, then I flunk.
If I talk to prof and he says no, I still just flunk.
Why so scared?

Cuz if I talk to prof then prof gets to tell me I failed. And somehow that's worse than just failing by doing nothing. Being told that I've wasted my time and money. Being told I fucked up.
I already know.
And I know I deserve to be told I flunked.
Still don't want to be told that. I'd rather just let it happen.
And this is why I'm a failure.
So I ate my feelings in the form of old easter chocolate.
Sigh.