Mich's lil envelope arrived! And such pretty stationary! I actually used my nail scissors to open it so I could keep the envelope in as good a shape as possible.
Thought stream:
Omg what a cute lil necklace!
Oh wow little is right...this'll never fit me!
OMG it fits! It nestles right in that little hollow between my clavicles!
Oooooo I have 3 cards!
Huh? I guess the ones I requested got claimed before I got them.
*reads Mich's note*
*thinks*
*gets a strong, slightly nervous feeling that the Universe is trying to tell me something*
..and that's still where my brain is at... this nagging feeling that there's a message that I'm too dense to get.
Or like I'm Neville and these cards are my Remembrall. I can see the colored fog, but I can't remember what it is I've forgotten.
The Tarot book I have doesn't really qualify. It's one of those small pocket impulse-buy things you'd see by a cash register. And the only reason I got it was because the Tarot deck attached to it was soooo tiny and cute. The entire deck in its box was barely bigger than a quarter. A single card was smaller than my thumbnail. And that's what I used to choose my 2 cards so I probably didn't know what I was asking for or why. I've never had a Tarot reading. Never rread a good book on the subject. The one time I saw a reading in progress the girl giving the reading was cooly dismissive of me, as if she could sense I would never belong to that World.
This seems as good a time as any to tell the 10 things for the Honest Scrap award....tho I'm still compiling my list to pick my 5 bloggers.
One of the books I read as a kid scared the shit out of me. I forget the title and author. It was about a teen witch who could look into a small lake and it became like a tv for her, showing her what was going on at that moment anywhere else in the world she wanted to look. That's what happened when she looked into the water with her power in the daytime. But when she looked in at night she saw something from the future...a guy she knew dying. And she tried to prevent it and somehow that was the wrong thing to do. I don't remember everything, but at the end she did something like astral projection and saw how the cord between her body and mind was bright and thick and his cord was thin and fading so she plucked her cord off her head and channelled her cord's strength to him. So he came out of his coma and she was lying dead beside him.
I've been terrified of astral projection ever since. What if my cord got cut? Can you die while projecting. Or because of projecting? And I am terrified of seeing the future too. Nevermind that I like surprises...I'm also afraid that there is a such thing as Fate and i'd rather not know.
I would like to be able to view the present tho...like the girl could in daytime. That'd be cool..... and not just to spy on certain ladies I have crushes on :p
2.
Another book I read was called Fires of the Faithful. That book and it's sequel (forgot sequel's title) were another idea of magic. I thought it was really cool how the girl would play her violin and then as the people danced to the music she would channel their energy into the broken, wounded land that had been burned by magical warfare. She was healing the land. Ofc there's lots more to those books than that. It's also a story of two women in love who come from very different worlds, worlds that are actually at war with each other. Both women want to be on the right side but one is trapped by her powers and her social class in the wrong, cruel side. She tries so hard and so often to run away but the bad guys always go after her because they want her power in their service. I need to buy those books one of these days.
And sometimes when I daydream about dating Samantha Ronson I think about how cool it would be if I could go to her gigs and channel the energy of the partiers down into the Earth.
3.
I've been messing around with girls since I was about 10. I learned how to get a girl off before I learned the words for all the lady parts ^_^ mom explained penis and vagina and where babies came from...but I was in college before I found out exactly what and where the clitoris was!! Ha!
(Ofc I got caught up very fast)
4.
I still hold a grudge against stepdaddie dearest for tearing up my garden. I actually had a bunch of tomatoes and sweet peas growing and he ripped them all up. He even tore the big tomato plant out of its pot. It was in a pot out of the way and he tore it out just to hurt me. It was years ago and I still hate him for it.
5.
Mom and I have a habit of adopting strays. We currently have 6 cats and a dog, all adopted strays. R has rescued 4 cats. We are animal lovers.
6. I sometimes wonder if there's a contradiction between me being willing to eat meat but refusing to wear fur.
7.
I want to make a show and post it on youtube. Seriously. It'd be an attempt at comedy.
8.
I still want to live in a tree like Peter Pan. I still want to be a Fern Gully fairy. I am annoyed at being a mere human.
9.
I would like to be an author too. I'm not as good as Mich but I am trying. I just write the sort of sweet innocent love stories that I want to read. I get annoyed at how so much girl-girl seems focused on sex scenes. I wanna read falling in love stories! Grrrrrrr.
10.
The whole time I was watching Dylphe's vlog on her 10 things I was thinking damn her lips look soft and I've never kissed a girl with lip piercings before why the hell does she have to be STRAIGHT and on the other side of the world?!? FML!
And I need water and sleep now. Monthly period in full swing and I hate it.
Hope I amused at least a little. :)
Friday, January 28, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Dear Self,
What part of GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM did you not get.
Thanks foranother bingetastic day, you fatbellied lardass.
Sincerely, Self
In other news...finally got Dylphe's blog to load on my phone again and she named *me* as one of her five Honest Scrap awards. So now I gotta come up with 10 things I haven't mentioned yet. And then I'm gonna list the blogs I follow, cross out the ones who already got that award, and then draw 5 from the peeps left.
Did I ever mention I'm a procrastinator? Cuz I am....a big one.
So now I might have only 9 things left and I'll do them later ^_^
Nightnight
What part of GET WITH THE FUCKING PROGRAM did you not get.
Thanks foranother bingetastic day, you fatbellied lardass.
Sincerely, Self
In other news...finally got Dylphe's blog to load on my phone again and she named *me* as one of her five Honest Scrap awards. So now I gotta come up with 10 things I haven't mentioned yet. And then I'm gonna list the blogs I follow, cross out the ones who already got that award, and then draw 5 from the peeps left.
Did I ever mention I'm a procrastinator? Cuz I am....a big one.
So now I might have only 9 things left and I'll do them later ^_^
Nightnight
Monday, January 24, 2011
Dear Self,
Kicking major ass at the gym, to the point of fatigue and soreness and tight legs, does NOT constitute a valid reason to stuff face with chips ahoy and doritos and whatever pasta and cheesy monstrosity was labelled "dinner" tonight.
Kindly get with the fucking program or the gargantuan walking lard lump so clearly seen in the gym's full mirrors will never go away.
Thanks for bingeing, moron.
Sincerely,
Self
Kicking major ass at the gym, to the point of fatigue and soreness and tight legs, does NOT constitute a valid reason to stuff face with chips ahoy and doritos and whatever pasta and cheesy monstrosity was labelled "dinner" tonight.
Kindly get with the fucking program or the gargantuan walking lard lump so clearly seen in the gym's full mirrors will never go away.
Thanks for bingeing, moron.
Sincerely,
Self
Hugs to my repliers. Thanks Invisible Ninja for how to get accented e on computer. Any idea how to get it when posting on a phone?
Am very disgusted with myself. The only rule I can stick to is the old eat-once-a-day plan I did to cope with the holiday foodfests. I'm failing at restricting. Miserably. All I'm managing is to keep Piggy McBingey tied up in this 2 and 1/2 hour timeslot.
And it's driving me insane. Every morning I totally skip breakfast unless I'm up really really early. If I eat too soon after waking up, I seriously feel sick and in pain the rest of the day. Pain enough to not want to move. Not work. So yea, I tend to skip breakfast. It's like my digestive system takes an extra 2 hours to wake up.
So I tend to go without breakfast simply cuz I like to sleep in for as long as I can. Then I'll take a lil baggie of almonds and a bottle of one of my drink mixes...and that's all I eat while working. I can manage about the same when at home, only I sometimes drink milk (mmm milk) .
But when I get home from work.....binge binge.
And it happens about the same time on days I don't work...a little after 8pm I swear I turn into a hoover.maybe I should eat a bit more during the day? Except I don't really feel hungry when the sun is up. Damn it I hate this! So frustrated.
Let's talk about the girl.
I've known her for about 13 years and in that time I don't remember her coming up to me to initiate a conversation. It's always been me going to her. She was always kind when I went up to her, and when I asked her help she gave it. But she is simply a kind person and would regularly help anyone who asked for it. I'd watch her go up to her friends and even to my brother, but she wouldn't come up to me. So I figured the reason she'd go up to other people but not to me was because she didn't want to come up to talk to me. So I left her alone. And that's how it's been. At most I would only see her once a week, on sundays. And in the years I've known her I've had maybe 2 or 3 "signs" that she might like me. Might. Once when she was doing her undergrad on scholarship (she's just that good) we emailed back and forth a little bit. She was away from home and was homesick, so I guess I was part of home...anyway i'd emailed her about how to do lesson plans (that was my excuse) because one professor had actually assigned that. I could've gone to my mom but hey lookie an excuse to talk to the girl! And that led to talking about her student-teaching and I asked how she could stand in heels for 8 hours and she admitted it was painful and I teased her about just wanting to show off her shapely legs. Sometime shortly after that email address was deleted and I was not on the list of people told what her new email was.
And yet the next 3 or 4 times I saw her onsundays she was in skirt and heels. But it was also normal for her to wear skirt and heels to church. Doing it 3-4 times in a row was a bit strange...
Talk about mixed messages.
Another time she did the toss hair over shoulder and look back at me. With a small smile.
Once I told her she looked like a young Kate Winslet. She blushed. She's so cute when she blushes.
Another time we were both part of a large group performance and waiting in the hall and I was cold and one of the kids suggested I hide in the closet and ofc I joked "hide in the closet, very funny" and the girl snickered like her mind had gone there too. But then again...my orientation was a bit of an "open secret" by that point and ofc the youth are totally on my side.
And that's pretty much it...in all the years I've known her.
Ok...so at the concert fri night sometimes it seemed like she was looking at me. Especially while she was up there singing. Strumming away on her guitar. Damn she's good. She even went out and got her own band started. They all played last year and she's lead guitar and she knocked out Johnny Be Good with complete perfection.
Anyway it seemed like she was looking at me, like our eyes met, cuz you know I was watching her....even tho with those stage lights maybe she didn't know she was looking at me..I mean it felt like she was looking at me but not quite connecting. Esp on lyrics like "I want you back in my arms"
For all I know she was asking me to come back to that "church". She was always way more churchy than me.
Oh well....
Whoops fell asleep before I hit post again. Got woke up at fucking 733am cuz.. well uncle was having issues with his ignition key not wanting to turn...so he was gonna borrow mine....without asking ofc. Then he locked the spare car key in my car. So mom wakes me up asking where my other car key is. It's on my keyring..duh. he loses this one and I'm kicking his fucking dick off. I do NOT like my keys being messed with. Keys let me into the house, for fuck's sake. And opening car doors without the keys can really fuck up the lock. He used my car just yesterday and already locked the key in. This has me nervous and angry. I don't think I'm being unreasonable.
Am very disgusted with myself. The only rule I can stick to is the old eat-once-a-day plan I did to cope with the holiday foodfests. I'm failing at restricting. Miserably. All I'm managing is to keep Piggy McBingey tied up in this 2 and 1/2 hour timeslot.
And it's driving me insane. Every morning I totally skip breakfast unless I'm up really really early. If I eat too soon after waking up, I seriously feel sick and in pain the rest of the day. Pain enough to not want to move. Not work. So yea, I tend to skip breakfast. It's like my digestive system takes an extra 2 hours to wake up.
So I tend to go without breakfast simply cuz I like to sleep in for as long as I can. Then I'll take a lil baggie of almonds and a bottle of one of my drink mixes...and that's all I eat while working. I can manage about the same when at home, only I sometimes drink milk (mmm milk) .
But when I get home from work.....binge binge.
And it happens about the same time on days I don't work...a little after 8pm I swear I turn into a hoover.maybe I should eat a bit more during the day? Except I don't really feel hungry when the sun is up. Damn it I hate this! So frustrated.
Let's talk about the girl.
I've known her for about 13 years and in that time I don't remember her coming up to me to initiate a conversation. It's always been me going to her. She was always kind when I went up to her, and when I asked her help she gave it. But she is simply a kind person and would regularly help anyone who asked for it. I'd watch her go up to her friends and even to my brother, but she wouldn't come up to me. So I figured the reason she'd go up to other people but not to me was because she didn't want to come up to talk to me. So I left her alone. And that's how it's been. At most I would only see her once a week, on sundays. And in the years I've known her I've had maybe 2 or 3 "signs" that she might like me. Might. Once when she was doing her undergrad on scholarship (she's just that good) we emailed back and forth a little bit. She was away from home and was homesick, so I guess I was part of home...anyway i'd emailed her about how to do lesson plans (that was my excuse) because one professor had actually assigned that. I could've gone to my mom but hey lookie an excuse to talk to the girl! And that led to talking about her student-teaching and I asked how she could stand in heels for 8 hours and she admitted it was painful and I teased her about just wanting to show off her shapely legs. Sometime shortly after that email address was deleted and I was not on the list of people told what her new email was.
And yet the next 3 or 4 times I saw her onsundays she was in skirt and heels. But it was also normal for her to wear skirt and heels to church. Doing it 3-4 times in a row was a bit strange...
Talk about mixed messages.
Another time she did the toss hair over shoulder and look back at me. With a small smile.
Once I told her she looked like a young Kate Winslet. She blushed. She's so cute when she blushes.
Another time we were both part of a large group performance and waiting in the hall and I was cold and one of the kids suggested I hide in the closet and ofc I joked "hide in the closet, very funny" and the girl snickered like her mind had gone there too. But then again...my orientation was a bit of an "open secret" by that point and ofc the youth are totally on my side.
And that's pretty much it...in all the years I've known her.
Ok...so at the concert fri night sometimes it seemed like she was looking at me. Especially while she was up there singing. Strumming away on her guitar. Damn she's good. She even went out and got her own band started. They all played last year and she's lead guitar and she knocked out Johnny Be Good with complete perfection.
Anyway it seemed like she was looking at me, like our eyes met, cuz you know I was watching her....even tho with those stage lights maybe she didn't know she was looking at me..I mean it felt like she was looking at me but not quite connecting. Esp on lyrics like "I want you back in my arms"
For all I know she was asking me to come back to that "church". She was always way more churchy than me.
Oh well....
Whoops fell asleep before I hit post again. Got woke up at fucking 733am cuz.. well uncle was having issues with his ignition key not wanting to turn...so he was gonna borrow mine....without asking ofc. Then he locked the spare car key in my car. So mom wakes me up asking where my other car key is. It's on my keyring..duh. he loses this one and I'm kicking his fucking dick off. I do NOT like my keys being messed with. Keys let me into the house, for fuck's sake. And opening car doors without the keys can really fuck up the lock. He used my car just yesterday and already locked the key in. This has me nervous and angry. I don't think I'm being unreasonable.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
While I successfully avoided that binge yesterday...cannot say the same for today (Friday) the whole fucking day was a bingefest, mostly from nervousness. It actually started at 2am cuz I couldn't fucking get to sleep. Happy to say I now have melatonin again. Cant-sleep binges are not ok. And then the bad behavior just went on all day. Had chocolate. Had those divine Andes creme de menthe cookies (yes they make cookies too...I only see them around Christmas). Had the entire box of Andes cookies actually. And ofc the big group dinner at the "church" before the show. And just now shared a bag of popcorn w mom.
Don't even want to think about the calories. Well well it's over now and I can go back to my happy state. I just wish I wasn't expected to be so damn social. I like being social, just in small doses. I need lots of quiet time, literally. I like to sit in quiet, dark rooms with just my thoughts. I find that rejuvinating.
I will often put a single song on repeat because for somee reason it helps me think. It's calming. Or energizing, depending on song used.
New topic...it's amazing how even tho daddie dearest was always the jerk, the aunts on his side are pretty cool. And it's the aunt on Mom's side of the fam who makes me feel both homicidale and a lilsuicidal. She thinks she's motivating me by talking down to me, softly insulting me. "It is sad that you still don't drive. I know you got scared but that was years ago. Aren't you over it yet?" (No, actually. That 'one' incident was actually *several* near-death experiencess)
"Don't you ever want to live on your own?" (No,actually, I don't)
I don't know where some morons get the idea that mortgages are some magical sign of adulthood. A bill is a bill is a bill. Paying rent or mortgages are no more a sign of maturity than having a credit card. Managing bills and money is the same no matter what bills you have. They all have to be paid on time. Blah blah blah.
And my half-sibs especially the half-sister have both been taught to tell people I'm the (age)-old who lives with her mom and doesn't drive and is still in college.
Cuz I just have to be constantly reminded that I'm a loser. And I especially have to have people I never met be told what a loser I am, by my own family.
Some family.
There was one bright spot to the day. There's a girl at that "church" I've been crushing on for *years*. I've got as big a crush on her as I do Samantha Ronson. Perhaps because they both play guitar? I am such a cliche! (Also..I can't figure out how to put the lil mark over the e in cliche) well she played a few songs on her guitar tonight and she kicked ass as usual.
But she has her shit sooooo together I can't help but think if she really wanted me she'd come after me. She doesn't evven walk up to start a conversation.
.........
.........
.........
Whoops...fell asleep before I hit Post.
Don't even want to think about the calories. Well well it's over now and I can go back to my happy state. I just wish I wasn't expected to be so damn social. I like being social, just in small doses. I need lots of quiet time, literally. I like to sit in quiet, dark rooms with just my thoughts. I find that rejuvinating.
I will often put a single song on repeat because for somee reason it helps me think. It's calming. Or energizing, depending on song used.
New topic...it's amazing how even tho daddie dearest was always the jerk, the aunts on his side are pretty cool. And it's the aunt on Mom's side of the fam who makes me feel both homicidale and a lilsuicidal. She thinks she's motivating me by talking down to me, softly insulting me. "It is sad that you still don't drive. I know you got scared but that was years ago. Aren't you over it yet?" (No, actually. That 'one' incident was actually *several* near-death experiencess)
"Don't you ever want to live on your own?" (No,actually, I don't)
I don't know where some morons get the idea that mortgages are some magical sign of adulthood. A bill is a bill is a bill. Paying rent or mortgages are no more a sign of maturity than having a credit card. Managing bills and money is the same no matter what bills you have. They all have to be paid on time. Blah blah blah.
And my half-sibs especially the half-sister have both been taught to tell people I'm the (age)-old who lives with her mom and doesn't drive and is still in college.
Cuz I just have to be constantly reminded that I'm a loser. And I especially have to have people I never met be told what a loser I am, by my own family.
Some family.
There was one bright spot to the day. There's a girl at that "church" I've been crushing on for *years*. I've got as big a crush on her as I do Samantha Ronson. Perhaps because they both play guitar? I am such a cliche! (Also..I can't figure out how to put the lil mark over the e in cliche) well she played a few songs on her guitar tonight and she kicked ass as usual.
But she has her shit sooooo together I can't help but think if she really wanted me she'd come after me. She doesn't evven walk up to start a conversation.
.........
.........
.........
Whoops...fell asleep before I hit Post.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
this whiney post prevented a binge
I am so fucking *annoyed* right now. Had a full day at work so my feet and legs are masses of pain and I just want to go to bed but there's a rehearsal tonight or so I was told. Mom said she'd send bro to get me @530-6 and all 4 sibs would go thru our songs.
It's 6 fucking 30.
And I'm craving sugar.
Thus far today had no breakfast as usual...the teaberry drink 20cals and a serving of almonds at work. Came home and ate another one of those meatsticks 110cal 1g carbs.
And waited for my ride. I ain't walking in this shitty weather when it's already dark outside.
While waiting the munchies came. As usual. So add 2 tablespoons Green Envy, some coconut water and some of that uberyummy pomegranaate juice.
And then add 2 pieces of peanut brittle. Damn tiny pieces but still.
At least the peanut brittle tastes a bit stale to me. The peanuts are anyway. Brittle part tastes ok.
Trying to find something low carb that exists downstairs here. So I can keep watching for ride. Ghahhhhh!! So frustrated! I must channel this frustration into motivation to geet my own fucking license.
Ofc then i'd be at the "church" being bored out of my skull.
Picked up some Tums today...or rather work's knockoff of Tums. I wanted a bit of extra calcium but without the vitamin D. Seriously is vit D the current in vogue vitamin or what? Every calcium supp has more vit D than calcium! I am not in danger of rickets! What the flying fuck?!
Oh..and it's 6:45 now. Sigh.
I hate this yearly varieety show shit. I don't like that "church" anymore and I hated the yearly (no-)talent show even before that damn vote.
And I'm whine whine whining. Typeing on a lil phone keypad makes it real hard to eat tho.
6:47 fuuuuuck. Grrrrr..... 6:52....any time now...grrr everytime I see headlights I watch until the car goes past. I wanna sleeeeeep dammit. When I'm tired and can't sleep is when the binge monster comes out to "play" and I wanna sleeeeep and I fucking can't!! I have been up since 630am and I do not want this shit! I want sleep!
7 o'clock pm. I am yawning so much and so hard my eyes water.
Also picked up Twinlabs Resveratrol Max Dots. They so cuuuuuute. No idea if I'll like them but work has an in-store coupon this month that made then practically free. They cost like 30 cents. Figured why not? Too bad I got the last one. Hope more come in just in case I like them.
Oh hey...aat 705 I get word they're digging out the car and are on their way.
Anyone else think maybe Mom was clueless when she told me to be ready at 545? Grrrrr.
I've got a single cough drop in my pocket. Fuckeers are 4g carbs each. Sometimes you need them tho.715.....random fact...the two male founders of Exodus International (a big pray-gays-into-straights thing) well the male founders ran off which each other.
718 they're here. Later
It's 6 fucking 30.
And I'm craving sugar.
Thus far today had no breakfast as usual...the teaberry drink 20cals and a serving of almonds at work. Came home and ate another one of those meatsticks 110cal 1g carbs.
And waited for my ride. I ain't walking in this shitty weather when it's already dark outside.
While waiting the munchies came. As usual. So add 2 tablespoons Green Envy, some coconut water and some of that uberyummy pomegranaate juice.
And then add 2 pieces of peanut brittle. Damn tiny pieces but still.
At least the peanut brittle tastes a bit stale to me. The peanuts are anyway. Brittle part tastes ok.
Trying to find something low carb that exists downstairs here. So I can keep watching for ride. Ghahhhhh!! So frustrated! I must channel this frustration into motivation to geet my own fucking license.
Ofc then i'd be at the "church" being bored out of my skull.
Picked up some Tums today...or rather work's knockoff of Tums. I wanted a bit of extra calcium but without the vitamin D. Seriously is vit D the current in vogue vitamin or what? Every calcium supp has more vit D than calcium! I am not in danger of rickets! What the flying fuck?!
Oh..and it's 6:45 now. Sigh.
I hate this yearly varieety show shit. I don't like that "church" anymore and I hated the yearly (no-)talent show even before that damn vote.
And I'm whine whine whining. Typeing on a lil phone keypad makes it real hard to eat tho.
6:47 fuuuuuck. Grrrrr..... 6:52....any time now...grrr everytime I see headlights I watch until the car goes past. I wanna sleeeeeep dammit. When I'm tired and can't sleep is when the binge monster comes out to "play" and I wanna sleeeeep and I fucking can't!! I have been up since 630am and I do not want this shit! I want sleep!
7 o'clock pm. I am yawning so much and so hard my eyes water.
Also picked up Twinlabs Resveratrol Max Dots. They so cuuuuuute. No idea if I'll like them but work has an in-store coupon this month that made then practically free. They cost like 30 cents. Figured why not? Too bad I got the last one. Hope more come in just in case I like them.
Oh hey...aat 705 I get word they're digging out the car and are on their way.
Anyone else think maybe Mom was clueless when she told me to be ready at 545? Grrrrr.
I've got a single cough drop in my pocket. Fuckeers are 4g carbs each. Sometimes you need them tho.715.....random fact...the two male founders of Exodus International (a big pray-gays-into-straights thing) well the male founders ran off which each other.
718 they're here. Later
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Peri- here in US that song does have a tune..it's just kinda boring so maybe you'll share your tune? *puppy eyes*
Ok...I suck. Chocolate is my nemesis. Is my period coming or something? No I think it's too soon. I'm just weak.
At least I still haven't busted into the big box. But I kept finding little single-servings while searching for that skirt! Had TWO snickers and a peppermint bark!
At least I found the skirt. And it still fits. Actually it's a bit loose unless I pull the waistband over my fat tummy foodbaby (chocolatebaby in this case)
I also found the two sweaters I'm still debating over. I've found everything I need. Except a thinner bod. Sigh.
Yes, even found the nylons. I hate pantyhose/nylons.
Finding these things was an all-day job too. Remember when Savory did a picture ccase study of her room? Take her room and throw it into a tornado. That's my mess. I cannot for the life of me figure out an organization system. I have piles. Semi-organized piles. With lots of duplicate items cuz I'll forget what I already have. I'm currently trying to just groupe like with like. All my makeup in one corner, for example. But I keep finding yet more and more makeup. And it's not all Mary Kay either. I could hand some off to Mom if that were the case. No...I have drugstore shit. Or more correctly, dollar store shit. Much of which was given to me by a mentally retarded family member so you can see why I felt bound to accept it. I use it for work. I also have my costume and halloween stuff scattered all over.
I kinda like the challenge of making the cheap shit look good. And ofc if someone aat work asks what I'm wearing I can tell her.
It's weird tho....I don't get asked what I'm wearing since I stopped wearing mary kay to work. And I think that's weird cuz mary kay is extremely subtle. Those pics where the model has like 3 eyeshadows plus liner? And lipliner + lipstick + gloss yet it looks like just onne eyeshadow and a single gloss? Yea they ain't kidding. Having to wear like 8 products before they show up is how the mary kay salesgirls make money. Granted, the final effect is gorgeous...but it's still subtle and requires layering. If drugstore customers could tell I was wearing anything then I really sucked at makeup, so why would they want to know what I was wearing?
I wanna make a mary kay order. They're gonna run out of this quarter's limited-edition stuff. If they haven't already! Nevermind that I already have a fuckton of makeup from a bunch of different sources!!
Besides...I only have 2 bottles of my fave moisturizer left, so clearly I am running low ^_^
I am trying to get better at makeup...mainly because I want to look totally different at work. I want to look good, but different enough that someone who only sees me at work would not recognize me anywhere else. Mainly because guys hit on me at work. Talk about uncomfy. It's a real dickbag move to hit on a girl when she's *required* to be nice.
I think the glasses are what kills the effect. Glasses are like wwearing the exact same makeup everyday. But I hate the very idea of contacts. I don't even use eyedrops. Been thinking about lasik...but does it hurt? Lasers being shot into your eye thru a hole flap cut into the eyeball..eeeeek sounds scary!
No idea how to end such a rambling post! Gotta open at work tomorrow so should probably start getting ready for bed. Zzzzzzz
Ok...I suck. Chocolate is my nemesis. Is my period coming or something? No I think it's too soon. I'm just weak.
At least I still haven't busted into the big box. But I kept finding little single-servings while searching for that skirt! Had TWO snickers and a peppermint bark!
At least I found the skirt. And it still fits. Actually it's a bit loose unless I pull the waistband over my fat tummy foodbaby (chocolatebaby in this case)
I also found the two sweaters I'm still debating over. I've found everything I need. Except a thinner bod. Sigh.
Yes, even found the nylons. I hate pantyhose/nylons.
Finding these things was an all-day job too. Remember when Savory did a picture ccase study of her room? Take her room and throw it into a tornado. That's my mess. I cannot for the life of me figure out an organization system. I have piles. Semi-organized piles. With lots of duplicate items cuz I'll forget what I already have. I'm currently trying to just groupe like with like. All my makeup in one corner, for example. But I keep finding yet more and more makeup. And it's not all Mary Kay either. I could hand some off to Mom if that were the case. No...I have drugstore shit. Or more correctly, dollar store shit. Much of which was given to me by a mentally retarded family member so you can see why I felt bound to accept it. I use it for work. I also have my costume and halloween stuff scattered all over.
I kinda like the challenge of making the cheap shit look good. And ofc if someone aat work asks what I'm wearing I can tell her.
It's weird tho....I don't get asked what I'm wearing since I stopped wearing mary kay to work. And I think that's weird cuz mary kay is extremely subtle. Those pics where the model has like 3 eyeshadows plus liner? And lipliner + lipstick + gloss yet it looks like just onne eyeshadow and a single gloss? Yea they ain't kidding. Having to wear like 8 products before they show up is how the mary kay salesgirls make money. Granted, the final effect is gorgeous...but it's still subtle and requires layering. If drugstore customers could tell I was wearing anything then I really sucked at makeup, so why would they want to know what I was wearing?
I wanna make a mary kay order. They're gonna run out of this quarter's limited-edition stuff. If they haven't already! Nevermind that I already have a fuckton of makeup from a bunch of different sources!!
Besides...I only have 2 bottles of my fave moisturizer left, so clearly I am running low ^_^
I am trying to get better at makeup...mainly because I want to look totally different at work. I want to look good, but different enough that someone who only sees me at work would not recognize me anywhere else. Mainly because guys hit on me at work. Talk about uncomfy. It's a real dickbag move to hit on a girl when she's *required* to be nice.
I think the glasses are what kills the effect. Glasses are like wwearing the exact same makeup everyday. But I hate the very idea of contacts. I don't even use eyedrops. Been thinking about lasik...but does it hurt? Lasers being shot into your eye thru a hole flap cut into the eyeball..eeeeek sounds scary!
No idea how to end such a rambling post! Gotta open at work tomorrow so should probably start getting ready for bed. Zzzzzzz
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Gina- I dunno about breaking plateaus...but high protein keeps me from feeling hungry as often. It also helps protect what litttle muscle I have as I dip the cal counts down.
Thus far the cal count is at 770. And 31g carbs. Today is the first day fairly on track and cravings are *intense* as is the hunger. I have no idea of the cals or sugar in this little Jolly Rancher stick I'm licking like a lollypop. I just figure it has to be less than the chocolate I would otherwise inhale. Ugh. All day I've been telling myself that I only have to be good until after Friday. Nevermind that I work both Saturday and Sunday. Minor detail. Well maybe not that minor...but point is I'm putting all these treats down for a cheat day, which must not happen before the 22nd.
And oh what a treat...at work today by sheer dumb luck I found a monster one pound box of Russel Stover chocolates, an old Christmas item. I got it for under $4 and it is calling to me.
"No! You be quiet! I'll inhale you next week!"
Ugh.
So I have now tried coconut water. Specifically Genesis Today Coconut Boost coconut water. It's interesting. A bit like an old coconut flavored lip gloss I had when I was younger. I like the Genesis Today pomegranate and the goji drinks better though. The nice thing about coconut water tho is the naturally higher potassium content.
Blahhhh hungry...may have to get into some tuna. At least that's 0 carbs.
The hand-me-up shoes are pretty cute. Mostly flats (including an adorable silver peep toe pair) but there is one pair of heels. They're like a soft dark gray tweed. With ankle straps. So cute. Half-sis adored them but just pputting them on had her wincing in pain. She made me promise to wear them on 21st. I intend to! But the only pantyhose I have are black. Dark gray shoes with black hose and a black skirt?
I still need to find that skirt. One of those A-line-meets-flare designs that hides a multitude of flaws. And it came with a little belt for when it someday needs tightening. Work was tough as usual and I don't wanna get up. I think I last wore that skirt on halloween. Crap. I worked xmas eve cuz work doesn't give a shit about family time. So yea...halloween is when I last saw it. Oh boy i'd better spend tomorrow searching for an outfit.
Ok I'm really tired now. Night-night
Thus far the cal count is at 770. And 31g carbs. Today is the first day fairly on track and cravings are *intense* as is the hunger. I have no idea of the cals or sugar in this little Jolly Rancher stick I'm licking like a lollypop. I just figure it has to be less than the chocolate I would otherwise inhale. Ugh. All day I've been telling myself that I only have to be good until after Friday. Nevermind that I work both Saturday and Sunday. Minor detail. Well maybe not that minor...but point is I'm putting all these treats down for a cheat day, which must not happen before the 22nd.
And oh what a treat...at work today by sheer dumb luck I found a monster one pound box of Russel Stover chocolates, an old Christmas item. I got it for under $4 and it is calling to me.
"No! You be quiet! I'll inhale you next week!"
Ugh.
So I have now tried coconut water. Specifically Genesis Today Coconut Boost coconut water. It's interesting. A bit like an old coconut flavored lip gloss I had when I was younger. I like the Genesis Today pomegranate and the goji drinks better though. The nice thing about coconut water tho is the naturally higher potassium content.
Blahhhh hungry...may have to get into some tuna. At least that's 0 carbs.
The hand-me-up shoes are pretty cute. Mostly flats (including an adorable silver peep toe pair) but there is one pair of heels. They're like a soft dark gray tweed. With ankle straps. So cute. Half-sis adored them but just pputting them on had her wincing in pain. She made me promise to wear them on 21st. I intend to! But the only pantyhose I have are black. Dark gray shoes with black hose and a black skirt?
I still need to find that skirt. One of those A-line-meets-flare designs that hides a multitude of flaws. And it came with a little belt for when it someday needs tightening. Work was tough as usual and I don't wanna get up. I think I last wore that skirt on halloween. Crap. I worked xmas eve cuz work doesn't give a shit about family time. So yea...halloween is when I last saw it. Oh boy i'd better spend tomorrow searching for an outfit.
Ok I'm really tired now. Night-night
Monday, January 17, 2011
Well this sucks. The stage performance is the 21st not the 28th. Shit! And I've been stuffing my fat face for the past week. Shit! AND after rehearsal I hung out w my sibs at their place and one thing daddie dearest is good at is cooking. So I stuffed my face again. Ugh ugh ugh!
Am really having a hard time getting back in the swing of things. Ok Honor..the holidays ended fucking WEEKS ago... this is ridiculous...omnomnomnom dammit!
When my fat ass waddles across that stage to the mic, I'll have only myself to blame.
A fun thing was me getting "hand-me-up" shoes from half-sister who is like 12 and already taller than me. One pair was some sneakers she wore when she was like 7 or 8. Crazy huh? She's gonna be tall enough for pro basketball at this rate.
Tho it did remind me just how small my frame is. Most if not all my weight is in this blasted fat belly. I don't carry weight well. Pretty revolting that I'm shorter than half-sis and yet I outweigh her by a good 20 lbs. Fucking hell.
About the only thing in my favor right now is how my limbs are still thin, so I can hide my fat uglyness with a bit of clever dressing.
Ok.. a scoop of Body Fortress 4g carbs. A serving of almonds is 5g carbs but 3 of them are fiber. Almonds 28oz is a serving which can says @28 nuts = 28oz. I don't believe that so I'm counting out 20 almonds as my serving. An entire bag of beef jerky is just over 15g. Turkey jerky just over 9g. The big carb item is my milk. Yummy milk. 15 per 8oz sigh. And a single scoop of aria would add 2g. Ugh... at least tuna is 0 carbs.
Ok..tomorrow will try to keep it down to my protein and water shake, my baggie of almonds, jerky and perhaps some tuna and a single cup of milk. And lots and lots of water. I work tomorrow so that will make it easier.
And I really need to find my black skirt. Yikes.
Am really having a hard time getting back in the swing of things. Ok Honor..the holidays ended fucking WEEKS ago... this is ridiculous...omnomnomnom dammit!
When my fat ass waddles across that stage to the mic, I'll have only myself to blame.
A fun thing was me getting "hand-me-up" shoes from half-sister who is like 12 and already taller than me. One pair was some sneakers she wore when she was like 7 or 8. Crazy huh? She's gonna be tall enough for pro basketball at this rate.
Tho it did remind me just how small my frame is. Most if not all my weight is in this blasted fat belly. I don't carry weight well. Pretty revolting that I'm shorter than half-sis and yet I outweigh her by a good 20 lbs. Fucking hell.
About the only thing in my favor right now is how my limbs are still thin, so I can hide my fat uglyness with a bit of clever dressing.
Ok.. a scoop of Body Fortress 4g carbs. A serving of almonds is 5g carbs but 3 of them are fiber. Almonds 28oz is a serving which can says @28 nuts = 28oz. I don't believe that so I'm counting out 20 almonds as my serving. An entire bag of beef jerky is just over 15g. Turkey jerky just over 9g. The big carb item is my milk. Yummy milk. 15 per 8oz sigh. And a single scoop of aria would add 2g. Ugh... at least tuna is 0 carbs.
Ok..tomorrow will try to keep it down to my protein and water shake, my baggie of almonds, jerky and perhaps some tuna and a single cup of milk. And lots and lots of water. I work tomorrow so that will make it easier.
And I really need to find my black skirt. Yikes.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Having a Life Coach sure does keep me hopping! that part has me happy. Like I'm making some actual progress towards getting out of school. It would be nice to have a degree.
Haven't made much progress on the weight front. Been talking about life plans. Possibly trying to find some work/volunteer opportunities in eating disorder treatment. Maybe see how the "professionals" think. I'm still trying to formulate a hypothesis to use for internship.
So I've heard from a couple peeps now.... ok..
Even as an ana is told to ignore her body ie take off the sweater because it's not that cold and besides she should focus on other things than her body...at the same time her body is still the focal point of her "treatment". Progress is measured by weight. Her goal weight determines when she'll be released. Rhodes Farm will sometimes lower a girl's goal weight if she gets her period. I think that shows that "treatment" may be more focused on keeping a girl able to breed than able to be happy. Breeding does not equal happiness. Some want to breed and some don't.
I've now had a couple reports on vegetarians being pathologized. Yes I know some ana s go vegetarian simply to avoid certain foods BUT.... it does not follow that all anas who go vegetarian do so solely to avoid calorie-dense foods.
I've also read how a girl who didn't want to wear makeup was asked why she didn't want to take care of herself. As though not wanting makeup was somehow disordered. What?!
At least one blogger here actually checked herself in seeking help. She left hurt and bittterly disappointed, and her final motive for "getting well" was simply that she wanted out. She later recognized herself in a "case study" and was very hurt to find she'd been labelled difficult and a liar even tho she was honest about her mental struggles. At least she was until she realized honesty only made her "treatment" worse.
I think that "treatment" reinforces heterosexism and conformity. It would be interesting to get inside a center and see from the provider's point of view.
On my own front...I now have a goal date. On the 28th I'll be on stage in front of that "church" for their yearly variety show. My bro and the half-sibs signed up and want me there so we could be a quartet. I feel guilt-tripped into this and want to look too delicate to be harassed over my orientation.
Also I think I'm totally falling in love w Mich cuz she just rocks and I gotta go check abebooks and email Mich again since my gmail app is having issues. Seems an email I sent R didn't arrive til 2 days later...and then it arrived as 3 copies. Ummm...
Edit: after getting Dylphe's comment I remembered how girls (like our blogger who later found herself in a case study) are actually told to NOT discuss their negative experiences.. the official line is it would discourage others from seeking treatment but let's flip the viewpoint...
If your egg seller regularly sold you spoiled eggs, does the seller really have the right to expect you to keep quiet? That if you were only compliant you would learn to like spoiled eggs?
Another example...if you went to a cancer treatment facility and were misdiagnosed or given the wrong drug sequence again and again, or had to redo xrays because the machine wasn't properly aligned over and over....should you stay silent because it might discourage other cancer patients from seeking treatment?
These eating disorder clinics are selling a specific service: they claim to make anorexics into normal people. If their treatments don't work, is it really so wrong to expect them to try something else? Is it really so wrong to want one's freedom of speech to talk about one's experiences?
Haven't made much progress on the weight front. Been talking about life plans. Possibly trying to find some work/volunteer opportunities in eating disorder treatment. Maybe see how the "professionals" think. I'm still trying to formulate a hypothesis to use for internship.
So I've heard from a couple peeps now.... ok..
Even as an ana is told to ignore her body ie take off the sweater because it's not that cold and besides she should focus on other things than her body...at the same time her body is still the focal point of her "treatment". Progress is measured by weight. Her goal weight determines when she'll be released. Rhodes Farm will sometimes lower a girl's goal weight if she gets her period. I think that shows that "treatment" may be more focused on keeping a girl able to breed than able to be happy. Breeding does not equal happiness. Some want to breed and some don't.
I've now had a couple reports on vegetarians being pathologized. Yes I know some ana s go vegetarian simply to avoid certain foods BUT.... it does not follow that all anas who go vegetarian do so solely to avoid calorie-dense foods.
I've also read how a girl who didn't want to wear makeup was asked why she didn't want to take care of herself. As though not wanting makeup was somehow disordered. What?!
At least one blogger here actually checked herself in seeking help. She left hurt and bittterly disappointed, and her final motive for "getting well" was simply that she wanted out. She later recognized herself in a "case study" and was very hurt to find she'd been labelled difficult and a liar even tho she was honest about her mental struggles. At least she was until she realized honesty only made her "treatment" worse.
I think that "treatment" reinforces heterosexism and conformity. It would be interesting to get inside a center and see from the provider's point of view.
On my own front...I now have a goal date. On the 28th I'll be on stage in front of that "church" for their yearly variety show. My bro and the half-sibs signed up and want me there so we could be a quartet. I feel guilt-tripped into this and want to look too delicate to be harassed over my orientation.
Also I think I'm totally falling in love w Mich cuz she just rocks and I gotta go check abebooks and email Mich again since my gmail app is having issues. Seems an email I sent R didn't arrive til 2 days later...and then it arrived as 3 copies. Ummm...
Edit: after getting Dylphe's comment I remembered how girls (like our blogger who later found herself in a case study) are actually told to NOT discuss their negative experiences.. the official line is it would discourage others from seeking treatment but let's flip the viewpoint...
If your egg seller regularly sold you spoiled eggs, does the seller really have the right to expect you to keep quiet? That if you were only compliant you would learn to like spoiled eggs?
Another example...if you went to a cancer treatment facility and were misdiagnosed or given the wrong drug sequence again and again, or had to redo xrays because the machine wasn't properly aligned over and over....should you stay silent because it might discourage other cancer patients from seeking treatment?
These eating disorder clinics are selling a specific service: they claim to make anorexics into normal people. If their treatments don't work, is it really so wrong to expect them to try something else? Is it really so wrong to want one's freedom of speech to talk about one's experiences?
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Latest of Savory's posts got me thinking. My thoughts are a bit jmbled, so this post will probably be going all over the place. Just to warn you ^_^
Why is being ana considered a childish disease? Is it childish to want validity? To want our pains and problems recognized and treated respectfully? Is it childish to try to express emotions too deep for words?
That's how mine started. I don't even know how old I was. My childhood bedroom (from @10 to post-high school so about 20) had a lovely deep ocean blue carpet that was so soft.
I often daydreamed that the carpet would become an ocean and I would turn into a mermaid and go swim away and live happily ever after. Or perhaps the carpet would become a deep pool and i'd swim out the drain. And then with that magical thinking children are so good at, I wondered if I could get small enough to actually sink into that soft carpet. I was dealing with daddie dearest either hitting Mom or using the divorce to bankrupt her. Then stepdaddie dearest yelling about how *i* would never be good for anything but sex. I just wanted to disappear.
if you've noticed my weight in the sidebar you saw how I don't have a low weight. That's because I honestly don't know my low weight. I didn't step on a scale until college. I'm sure I was weighed at the doc's when Mom could afford to get a basic checkup but I didn't remember the numbers.
It wasn't about my weight. It was simply about getting smaller, and I could measure that by how my clothes fit. And I always got hand-me-downs from better-off cousins so my clothes weren't expected to fit well, so when they got baggy it was shrugged off.
I thought (and still think) ana was a good way to cope because it was something I could do without bothering anyone else. Mom was very busy just trying to keep a roof over our heads. And me eating less meant more food for Mom and my baby brother. How was I being selfish? I found a way to cope with my sadness without bothering anyone else. I left more food for my family. I kept to myself. And I never got attention for it. No one had a single fucking clue. So I would very much like these "professionals" and "treament providers" to explain how I was selfish and childish.
Anorexia isn't what makes us childish. But "treatment" sure does. Going ana at a young age can make someone look like a child, but Vikki Hensley is proof that an ana's mind is perfectly capable of adult-level thinking. But "treatment" seems to infantilize us.
Ok, I've never been inpatient. I hid what I was doing and we were too poor anyway. I'm going by some bloggers here who wrote about their inpatient experiences. And they were told when to get up, when to go to bed. When to eat and what to eat...and even what to wear. If a girl huddled by a heater with a sweater on she'd be told to stop trrying to get attention and to take the sweater off since it was a nice day and plenty warm. Or a girl who is very bony will be told to cover up so she can't show her bones off. So if you cover up it's because you want attentiona dn if you don't cover up it's also because you want attention. Basically you're treated like the doc knows more about how you feel than you do. You're told what you can and cannot talk about. You're even told how to feel. You're told to feel grateful for the staff and this great chance at "recovery". Told when to be angry and at what. It's like you're not considered a person. You're just another "patient" and you are 'sick' so you can't really be trusted with yourself. And you get released based on your weight, not on your mental state. Your "progress" is based on gaining weight, not your mental state. You're not even allowed to talk about the stuff you most need to talk about. Like how to deal in a world where damn near every women mag out there has diet plans and diet tips in nearly every issue. When tabloids regularly have before-and-after pics of various females in bikinis. With weights given, even if just estimated weights. The "treatments" don't always work, and when "treatment" predictably fails, the ana is blamed for it.
I did try to seek understanding in my way. Sometime in 8th or 9th grade I read a little book called Going Crazy. It was about a teen named Sandy who felt under great pressure by her parents and developed anorexia to cope. Tho anorexia isn't quite right because she did binge/purge at times. I can't find that book again. It was a library book and already old.
My Google-fu is lacking, but I did find a mention of a book Going Crazy by T. Hemmings that has an eating disorder tag, but there is no synopsis or even a character list.
Foodwise I've binged for the past 3 days. Bad bad bad. I did successfully get to the gym today and proceeded to kick my own ass. So that's a step in the right direction. And I am very tired now.
Ofc no post of mine would be complete without a Ronson reference ^_^ so here is adorable Samantha Ronson cornered by the paps after she finished DJing the CoverGirl party. Ellen and Portia were there and there are pics of them laughing with Samantha, but the paps didn't catch my fave gayelle couple.
Anyway here's a trapped Sam trying to dodge personal questions. It does come thru clear that she doesn't like the paps knowing where she lives. Poor girl. Sam had to leave EW in order for Caddy to live with her again. What reason did lindsay have for leaving? She has no pets.she could have stayed at EW but nope, she wanted to be next door to Samantha. And ofc lindsay has to have the paps around to take her picture. That's how she keeps herself in the news.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cs0_bAqtEMo
Why is being ana considered a childish disease? Is it childish to want validity? To want our pains and problems recognized and treated respectfully? Is it childish to try to express emotions too deep for words?
That's how mine started. I don't even know how old I was. My childhood bedroom (from @10 to post-high school so about 20) had a lovely deep ocean blue carpet that was so soft.
I often daydreamed that the carpet would become an ocean and I would turn into a mermaid and go swim away and live happily ever after. Or perhaps the carpet would become a deep pool and i'd swim out the drain. And then with that magical thinking children are so good at, I wondered if I could get small enough to actually sink into that soft carpet. I was dealing with daddie dearest either hitting Mom or using the divorce to bankrupt her. Then stepdaddie dearest yelling about how *i* would never be good for anything but sex. I just wanted to disappear.
if you've noticed my weight in the sidebar you saw how I don't have a low weight. That's because I honestly don't know my low weight. I didn't step on a scale until college. I'm sure I was weighed at the doc's when Mom could afford to get a basic checkup but I didn't remember the numbers.
It wasn't about my weight. It was simply about getting smaller, and I could measure that by how my clothes fit. And I always got hand-me-downs from better-off cousins so my clothes weren't expected to fit well, so when they got baggy it was shrugged off.
I thought (and still think) ana was a good way to cope because it was something I could do without bothering anyone else. Mom was very busy just trying to keep a roof over our heads. And me eating less meant more food for Mom and my baby brother. How was I being selfish? I found a way to cope with my sadness without bothering anyone else. I left more food for my family. I kept to myself. And I never got attention for it. No one had a single fucking clue. So I would very much like these "professionals" and "treament providers" to explain how I was selfish and childish.
Anorexia isn't what makes us childish. But "treatment" sure does. Going ana at a young age can make someone look like a child, but Vikki Hensley is proof that an ana's mind is perfectly capable of adult-level thinking. But "treatment" seems to infantilize us.
Ok, I've never been inpatient. I hid what I was doing and we were too poor anyway. I'm going by some bloggers here who wrote about their inpatient experiences. And they were told when to get up, when to go to bed. When to eat and what to eat...and even what to wear. If a girl huddled by a heater with a sweater on she'd be told to stop trrying to get attention and to take the sweater off since it was a nice day and plenty warm. Or a girl who is very bony will be told to cover up so she can't show her bones off. So if you cover up it's because you want attentiona dn if you don't cover up it's also because you want attention. Basically you're treated like the doc knows more about how you feel than you do. You're told what you can and cannot talk about. You're even told how to feel. You're told to feel grateful for the staff and this great chance at "recovery". Told when to be angry and at what. It's like you're not considered a person. You're just another "patient" and you are 'sick' so you can't really be trusted with yourself. And you get released based on your weight, not on your mental state. Your "progress" is based on gaining weight, not your mental state. You're not even allowed to talk about the stuff you most need to talk about. Like how to deal in a world where damn near every women mag out there has diet plans and diet tips in nearly every issue. When tabloids regularly have before-and-after pics of various females in bikinis. With weights given, even if just estimated weights. The "treatments" don't always work, and when "treatment" predictably fails, the ana is blamed for it.
I did try to seek understanding in my way. Sometime in 8th or 9th grade I read a little book called Going Crazy. It was about a teen named Sandy who felt under great pressure by her parents and developed anorexia to cope. Tho anorexia isn't quite right because she did binge/purge at times. I can't find that book again. It was a library book and already old.
My Google-fu is lacking, but I did find a mention of a book Going Crazy by T. Hemmings that has an eating disorder tag, but there is no synopsis or even a character list.
Foodwise I've binged for the past 3 days. Bad bad bad. I did successfully get to the gym today and proceeded to kick my own ass. So that's a step in the right direction. And I am very tired now.
Ofc no post of mine would be complete without a Ronson reference ^_^ so here is adorable Samantha Ronson cornered by the paps after she finished DJing the CoverGirl party. Ellen and Portia were there and there are pics of them laughing with Samantha, but the paps didn't catch my fave gayelle couple.
Anyway here's a trapped Sam trying to dodge personal questions. It does come thru clear that she doesn't like the paps knowing where she lives. Poor girl. Sam had to leave EW in order for Caddy to live with her again. What reason did lindsay have for leaving? She has no pets.she could have stayed at EW but nope, she wanted to be next door to Samantha. And ofc lindsay has to have the paps around to take her picture. That's how she keeps herself in the news.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cs0_bAqtEMo
Sunday, January 9, 2011
So lindsay and Samantha are talking again, and even went out to dinner. Not sure what to make of this. Times like this I wish I could read minds. Maybe lindsay finally realized what a bitch she was being and she's really changed now. Or this could be just another round on her crack-hustle carousel. Thus far it could go either way. Back in april 2009 linds followed Sam all the way to England and back. Sam was the first to move into Empire West after her house got added to the Star Tour bus (she wasn't amused). Shortly after, linds followed. Before EW we had a classic and hilarious vid of linds waiting on Sam's doorstep til Sam got home from work. Linds really sounded whacked out on something hard.
Anyway sometime last month Sam snuck out of EW. Seriously...can anyone pinpoint wwhen she left? She has always wanted to keep her private life private. So fast forward to linds getting out of betty ford and the very next day everyone knows where Sam lives cuz lindsay just happens to be moving in next door.
Coincidence? I wonder....
So yea....I know real witchcraft isn't like Buffy or Harry Potter...just sometimes I wish I could read minds...or even just cast protection spells like Hermione's. I'd cast a fuckton of protection spells around Samantha.
Ofc some simple telekinesis would be fun too..very annying having to get up to turn my overhead light off ^_^
Intake today could have been better. I successfully stayed on low-carb foods, but low-carb is not the same as no-carb. I ate too much. Was doing well all day, 1 cup milk w some aria for breakfast, a mere 15cal green drink for lunch, I had a 10cal drink mix that was a joint health supplement. And then a can of tuna. 100cals but no carbs.
But I couldn't stop at that...and had a power crunch bar (210 cals, 10g carbs) and half a bag of turkey jerky. Work got some in again. At least a whole bag of turkey jerky is a lil over 9g carbs, as opposed to the 15g of a beef bag. I intended to stay below 50g carbs today and step it down a bit more tomorrow.the milk cup had 15g, +2g from aria..plus the rest...wait how many carbs could be in a 10cal drink mix? The 15cal green drink is about 4g. It's 6g per packet but I use half a packet at a time.
Blah my brain doesn't want to work. I'll borrow an idea from Scarlett O'Hara and say I'll think about it tomorrow :)
Anyway sometime last month Sam snuck out of EW. Seriously...can anyone pinpoint wwhen she left? She has always wanted to keep her private life private. So fast forward to linds getting out of betty ford and the very next day everyone knows where Sam lives cuz lindsay just happens to be moving in next door.
Coincidence? I wonder....
So yea....I know real witchcraft isn't like Buffy or Harry Potter...just sometimes I wish I could read minds...or even just cast protection spells like Hermione's. I'd cast a fuckton of protection spells around Samantha.
Ofc some simple telekinesis would be fun too..very annying having to get up to turn my overhead light off ^_^
Intake today could have been better. I successfully stayed on low-carb foods, but low-carb is not the same as no-carb. I ate too much. Was doing well all day, 1 cup milk w some aria for breakfast, a mere 15cal green drink for lunch, I had a 10cal drink mix that was a joint health supplement. And then a can of tuna. 100cals but no carbs.
But I couldn't stop at that...and had a power crunch bar (210 cals, 10g carbs) and half a bag of turkey jerky. Work got some in again. At least a whole bag of turkey jerky is a lil over 9g carbs, as opposed to the 15g of a beef bag. I intended to stay below 50g carbs today and step it down a bit more tomorrow.the milk cup had 15g, +2g from aria..plus the rest...wait how many carbs could be in a 10cal drink mix? The 15cal green drink is about 4g. It's 6g per packet but I use half a packet at a time.
Blah my brain doesn't want to work. I'll borrow an idea from Scarlett O'Hara and say I'll think about it tomorrow :)
Friday, January 7, 2011
I decided it's easier to put the new stuff on top.
So I came home and had a lil 300cal tv dinner.
And then binged on 3 peanut butter snickers bars. 3. Three. Fuck. Me.
So I went and saw Mich's blog had an update and just following from there...I read Underwood.
Wow. Fuck. Damn. Wow. Wow. Shit. Wow.
Next time I feel like binging I should just bury myself in her work. I was hooked. Read the whole thing. Loved it. It'll be stuck in my head for a few days. At least it was a finished work. She left room for sequels and expansions tho, and that has me happy.
I don't know if it would be wise to start one of her in-progress works...i'd have "what happens next? What happens next?" Buzzing in my brain and driving me insane.
Anyway I mentioned R took me to college. He's gonna help me finish up, both by translating the confusing uni-speak and by reminding me of shit and occasionally giving me a kick in the ass. And yea, I'm paying him for it.
R has a dream of being a life coach, and I think he'd be good at it. He's good at sussing out what someone *needs* to hear. He's good at encouraging, figuring out the fears holding someone back.
And ofc he's super good at sussing me out. After all these years and all he's seen me thru, I think he knows me better than I know myself. And I also get to help him cuz having a business/working relationship means I'm helping him gain some legitimacy. So we're helping each other.
Tho considering the best-friend discount I'm getting...I think I got the better end of the deal.I adore that boy.
In other news....I want to send that fanletter. I decided I don't care if I'm too old for that sort of thing. Here's my problem....where to send it? Sam's moved out of EW over a month ago...cool, means she can have Caddy live with her again.
And then lilo was sprung from rehab and like within 2 days there were pap vids showing moving vans with lilo shit being moved in right next door to Samantha.*cough*stalker*cough*
Ok maybe it is coincidence. But given lilo's actions over 2009 and 2010, I doubt it.
So even if I could find Samantha's new address I wouldn't want to use it.
Any ideas how to find Charlotte Ronson's offices? Or one of her stores? I believe she lives in New York City so an office or store, possibly even a flagship store should be there?
Ideas? Help? Just need an address!
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
I'm back. Not that I went anywhere. Just working and sleeping. Go to work, come home, go to sleep, wake up, go back to work. Hamster wheel. Blah.
Called R up and asked for help getting college finished.
Finally confessed that I'm just scared of what to do post-graduation. What do I want to do with my life? Also I'm worried over how to finish classes. I keep forgetting shit. So basically I hired him to be a secretary-and-drill sergeant. Yeah. And he took me driving.
I also gave him 2 chocolate oranges. I'd already eaten most the 3rd. Bought a lotta chocolate past few days. The leftover xmas candy went 75% off. Fortunately I've given it away pretty well. All the gift boxes and m&ms stayed downstairs w the fam. R got the 2 oranges. I still had the one chocolate orange, a russell stover piece, and a mid-size hershey kiss. Better than eating it all tho.
Cal count as of 5pm is about 210. I don't remember how many cals are in this one-a-day vitamin drink mix tho.
Work break over.... will edit to add later.
So I came home and had a lil 300cal tv dinner.
And then binged on 3 peanut butter snickers bars. 3. Three. Fuck. Me.
So I went and saw Mich's blog had an update and just following from there...I read Underwood.
Wow. Fuck. Damn. Wow. Wow. Shit. Wow.
Next time I feel like binging I should just bury myself in her work. I was hooked. Read the whole thing. Loved it. It'll be stuck in my head for a few days. At least it was a finished work. She left room for sequels and expansions tho, and that has me happy.
I don't know if it would be wise to start one of her in-progress works...i'd have "what happens next? What happens next?" Buzzing in my brain and driving me insane.
Anyway I mentioned R took me to college. He's gonna help me finish up, both by translating the confusing uni-speak and by reminding me of shit and occasionally giving me a kick in the ass. And yea, I'm paying him for it.
R has a dream of being a life coach, and I think he'd be good at it. He's good at sussing out what someone *needs* to hear. He's good at encouraging, figuring out the fears holding someone back.
And ofc he's super good at sussing me out. After all these years and all he's seen me thru, I think he knows me better than I know myself. And I also get to help him cuz having a business/working relationship means I'm helping him gain some legitimacy. So we're helping each other.
Tho considering the best-friend discount I'm getting...I think I got the better end of the deal.I adore that boy.
In other news....I want to send that fanletter. I decided I don't care if I'm too old for that sort of thing. Here's my problem....where to send it? Sam's moved out of EW over a month ago...cool, means she can have Caddy live with her again.
And then lilo was sprung from rehab and like within 2 days there were pap vids showing moving vans with lilo shit being moved in right next door to Samantha.*cough*stalker*cough*
Ok maybe it is coincidence. But given lilo's actions over 2009 and 2010, I doubt it.
So even if I could find Samantha's new address I wouldn't want to use it.
Any ideas how to find Charlotte Ronson's offices? Or one of her stores? I believe she lives in New York City so an office or store, possibly even a flagship store should be there?
Ideas? Help? Just need an address!
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
I'm back. Not that I went anywhere. Just working and sleeping. Go to work, come home, go to sleep, wake up, go back to work. Hamster wheel. Blah.
Called R up and asked for help getting college finished.
Finally confessed that I'm just scared of what to do post-graduation. What do I want to do with my life? Also I'm worried over how to finish classes. I keep forgetting shit. So basically I hired him to be a secretary-and-drill sergeant. Yeah. And he took me driving.
I also gave him 2 chocolate oranges. I'd already eaten most the 3rd. Bought a lotta chocolate past few days. The leftover xmas candy went 75% off. Fortunately I've given it away pretty well. All the gift boxes and m&ms stayed downstairs w the fam. R got the 2 oranges. I still had the one chocolate orange, a russell stover piece, and a mid-size hershey kiss. Better than eating it all tho.
Cal count as of 5pm is about 210. I don't remember how many cals are in this one-a-day vitamin drink mix tho.
Work break over.... will edit to add later.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Rest in peace, Isabelle Caro
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1342580/Anorexic-model-Isabelle-Caro-appeared-shock-fashion-campaign-dies-28.html#ixzz19iEFidB8
Yes, this is a disease. Yes, it kills. And yes, fashion bears some serious responsibility for making it "good" to be so thin.
Anorexics have probably been around as long as humanity. But sometimes I wonder if at least some girls aren't shoved into this by fashion rules. And that goes double if you want to be a model.
My own ana-journey may have started as a coping mechanism, but what of the poor kid picked on because of her weight? And then she sees the skinny models? I think it's related. Still more complicated than just "get bigger models" but I do think it's related somehow.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1342580/Anorexic-model-Isabelle-Caro-appeared-shock-fashion-campaign-dies-28.html#ixzz19iEFidB8
Yes, this is a disease. Yes, it kills. And yes, fashion bears some serious responsibility for making it "good" to be so thin.
Anorexics have probably been around as long as humanity. But sometimes I wonder if at least some girls aren't shoved into this by fashion rules. And that goes double if you want to be a model.
My own ana-journey may have started as a coping mechanism, but what of the poor kid picked on because of her weight? And then she sees the skinny models? I think it's related. Still more complicated than just "get bigger models" but I do think it's related somehow.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Ugh...please ignore a couple sentences from my last post because today is actually Sunday. My brain is so fucked up I thought today was weds and that new years was a Monday. This sucks. Did I mention I hate being sick?
Believe&Lose had an interesting idea. Maybe the old advice is wrong. If I'm not hungry, do I really need to eat? I mean if I'm hungry while sick then it would probably help, but if I'm not hungry at all then why do I have to "feed a cold"? I want the cold to die! Yea yea the phrase really refers to feeding your body's immune system to fight the cold off but my question is still....if I don't feel at all hungry, do I really need to force myself to eat?
Anyway I'm off to pee, get yet another water bottle refill. I reuse those "disposable" bottles. I refuse to buy bottled water. I don't live in a 3rd world country. Municipal water is perfectly safe. Take back the tap! I just reuse other disposable bottles and my blenderbottle..and ofc I recycle once I can't use a plastic bottle anymore.
Maybe I'll get a trash bag. Even tho I reduce/reuse/recycle everything I can, I do generate some trash, especially when sick and during that time of the month. The trash can does need emptying and I think I have energy for a task that small. And cleaning does make me happier.
Believe&Lose had an interesting idea. Maybe the old advice is wrong. If I'm not hungry, do I really need to eat? I mean if I'm hungry while sick then it would probably help, but if I'm not hungry at all then why do I have to "feed a cold"? I want the cold to die! Yea yea the phrase really refers to feeding your body's immune system to fight the cold off but my question is still....if I don't feel at all hungry, do I really need to force myself to eat?
Anyway I'm off to pee, get yet another water bottle refill. I reuse those "disposable" bottles. I refuse to buy bottled water. I don't live in a 3rd world country. Municipal water is perfectly safe. Take back the tap! I just reuse other disposable bottles and my blenderbottle..and ofc I recycle once I can't use a plastic bottle anymore.
Maybe I'll get a trash bag. Even tho I reduce/reuse/recycle everything I can, I do generate some trash, especially when sick and during that time of the month. The trash can does need emptying and I think I have energy for a task that small. And cleaning does make me happier.
Well I didn't fast yesterday. Didn't want to risk making myself sicker, especially since I did go back to work. That was risky enough. I didn't want to go but I only get 6 sick days a year and i'd already used 3 of them. So I had a 10 hour shift. Might be why I slept nearly 16 hours today. I hate this.
My voice is all hoarse again cuz I talked yesterday. Sounded awful ofc. Even customers would say "oh, I feel nad for asking you a question!"
Ate a whole can of soup when I came home, then just wiped my face with an acne pad and fell into bed. Acne pads aren't the same as washing my face but they're better than nothing.
Guess what else started dec 31st? I rang in the new year with monthly bleeding. Sucks sucks sucks. So I had cramps on top of everything else. Grrrr.
I am not happy right now. I work damn near every day this week. Today was my only real chance to head to school advisor to set up spring semester. Classes start next week. Am starting to wonder if I've just fucked my education past the point of redemption. Still don't know what I want to do with my life. I just know I'm not happy with it now.
I went thru my food cubbyhole and organized all the junk food by expiration date. I hate wasting food. The first batch goes bad in march this year. Next batch in june and the last of it has to be gone by august. I'm hoping this will up my willpower so I won't buy more junk. I can think about the junk food I already have, now that I know exactly what I have. And all that junk food is Christmas items too, and should be savored slowly. It's the only productive thing I've done in a while.
I feel depressed. I hate feeling depressed. My room is a wreck, my laundry needs doing, my sink is clogged up yet again...so much shit I need to get done and I'm just too damn tired. Like all my body's energy is being used to fight off this fucking illness. One of the ladies at work says it sounds like I had strep throat to her. I honestly don't know. Maybe just a really bad cold? I was nauseous a little at first but mostly felt constantly hungry and constantly thirsty and always tired. I had a fever a few times. Massively sore throat and stuffy head but only mild cough with light chest congestion. Very little wheezing. Sickness seems confined to my head and throat. I think those little glands in the neck are puffy. They feel different right now. And sometimes there's small pricks of pain in them when I stretch my neck.
And ofc eat more eat more so your body has strength to fight this off. I feel like such a whale right now. No...whales are healthier than me. They're built to be that bulky. I am not.
I feel huge. My work pants are tight. This sucks. I hate being sick. Now my ears are popping.
And I killed a spider I saw actually on my bed. Fucking gross! Blech! I have got to tidy this rat trap. I don't have the energy! This sucks! Everytime the weather gets wonky I get spiders. I know they're coming in the air conditioner window. Grrr I gotta get that thing outta there. It still works tho. But it's also one of those ancient freon-using boxes. It keeps my room nice and cool but it makes the air smell funny. I dunno...I'm conflicted. I want to keep it until it stops working, but it's so heavy that it's just easier to leave it in all the time.
And birds like to sit on it. Once there was an owl sitting on it. The owl kept staring at me. It was such a cute little owl!
I found some Andes peppermint thins at work yesterday. They'd been clearanced cuz they're an xmas item...how did I miss them? Peppermint thins are the best! Well at least I got one bag this year.
I also found a lil 12oz bottle that says it's coconut water! It was back with the vitamins etc stuff. It was also $2 for the lil thing. I got it anyway, cuz I'm curious.
Off to get a fresh water bottle and stuff my fat and sick face.
My voice is all hoarse again cuz I talked yesterday. Sounded awful ofc. Even customers would say "oh, I feel nad for asking you a question!"
Ate a whole can of soup when I came home, then just wiped my face with an acne pad and fell into bed. Acne pads aren't the same as washing my face but they're better than nothing.
Guess what else started dec 31st? I rang in the new year with monthly bleeding. Sucks sucks sucks. So I had cramps on top of everything else. Grrrr.
I am not happy right now. I work damn near every day this week. Today was my only real chance to head to school advisor to set up spring semester. Classes start next week. Am starting to wonder if I've just fucked my education past the point of redemption. Still don't know what I want to do with my life. I just know I'm not happy with it now.
I went thru my food cubbyhole and organized all the junk food by expiration date. I hate wasting food. The first batch goes bad in march this year. Next batch in june and the last of it has to be gone by august. I'm hoping this will up my willpower so I won't buy more junk. I can think about the junk food I already have, now that I know exactly what I have. And all that junk food is Christmas items too, and should be savored slowly. It's the only productive thing I've done in a while.
I feel depressed. I hate feeling depressed. My room is a wreck, my laundry needs doing, my sink is clogged up yet again...so much shit I need to get done and I'm just too damn tired. Like all my body's energy is being used to fight off this fucking illness. One of the ladies at work says it sounds like I had strep throat to her. I honestly don't know. Maybe just a really bad cold? I was nauseous a little at first but mostly felt constantly hungry and constantly thirsty and always tired. I had a fever a few times. Massively sore throat and stuffy head but only mild cough with light chest congestion. Very little wheezing. Sickness seems confined to my head and throat. I think those little glands in the neck are puffy. They feel different right now. And sometimes there's small pricks of pain in them when I stretch my neck.
And ofc eat more eat more so your body has strength to fight this off. I feel like such a whale right now. No...whales are healthier than me. They're built to be that bulky. I am not.
I feel huge. My work pants are tight. This sucks. I hate being sick. Now my ears are popping.
And I killed a spider I saw actually on my bed. Fucking gross! Blech! I have got to tidy this rat trap. I don't have the energy! This sucks! Everytime the weather gets wonky I get spiders. I know they're coming in the air conditioner window. Grrr I gotta get that thing outta there. It still works tho. But it's also one of those ancient freon-using boxes. It keeps my room nice and cool but it makes the air smell funny. I dunno...I'm conflicted. I want to keep it until it stops working, but it's so heavy that it's just easier to leave it in all the time.
And birds like to sit on it. Once there was an owl sitting on it. The owl kept staring at me. It was such a cute little owl!
I found some Andes peppermint thins at work yesterday. They'd been clearanced cuz they're an xmas item...how did I miss them? Peppermint thins are the best! Well at least I got one bag this year.
I also found a lil 12oz bottle that says it's coconut water! It was back with the vitamins etc stuff. It was also $2 for the lil thing. I got it anyway, cuz I'm curious.
Off to get a fresh water bottle and stuff my fat and sick face.
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