@ peri....a wise people have a saying...."the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few"
:p. :)
Sucks about your nana. But "medication" suggests there was a doctor?
Anyway, there's also lotsa bulimics who sometimes seriously need potassium infusions. There's also lotsa peeps who need help to counter the high salt in our food. I really want to go low-carb, but trying to find low-carb potassium sources is driving me bonkers! Sure are lotsa low-carb sodium sources tho *headdesk*
@baby sis...wow I'm showing up on all sorts of search engines. Should I be worried? Hmmmm how to take advaantage.....
dear Samantha Ronson,
You are too adorable. Please marry me :)
There....proper advantage xD
Yay fasting! Hope I can make a humble 24 hours! Maybe I should try for 30. I dunno...it was really hard last time and I have to work on the 1st.
Liquid fast ofc....my protein powders. Must protect the muscle.
Today thus far I've lived on cheerios (eaten dry) and that last box of fiber one. Am also finishing up an old bottle of Green Envy. I'm pretty sure I opened it a few months ago and forgot about it, so it does need to be finished off.
I also painted my nails an old Revlon color called Ink. It's a real dark blue. I think of Peri's blue hair and baby sis's blue streak everytime I look at my nails.
And wet nails aren't good for stuffing face.
I have found my old rainbow cross and ofc Mich's heart necklace never had a chance to get lost. It sleeps on my bedside table. Friendship, eds, and jewelry!
I'm off to do laundry. Had a female accident while wearing work pants >_<
Note to self......always change as soon as you get home....sleepy crashes happen unexpectedly! Here's hoping the pants can be saved. The soaking in bio-kleen has me hopeful but. Still see faint lines.
.I hate hate FUCKING HATE PERIODS!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
Dear Self,
The Piggy McBingey thing is *over* dammit. Cramping is done with, the painful part is over. Fatigue does suck, but how about napping instead of eating? I got the next couple days off.
....
....
....
And that's what I've done. Slept the day away. Lots of weird dreams, from watching the Virgin Mary argue about how Jesus wanted to be born to a poor family (Joseph was concerned about his ability to provide) and at some point my brain wrote a Voyager episode (wish I could remember it) and then thinking about Samantha's pierced belly button. I was wondering if it was still pierced. Don't they heal up closed if they're not maintained? But I can't think about piercings for long. They make me queasy.
Been looking over my finances. Yikes and more yikes. Even with giving up WoW (sob!) Things are tight. I'm just not getting enough work hours. I average 16 hrs a week now. I guess vacations are done for awhile. Ouch. Much as I hate that job, money is necessary. R suggests I try to drum up more mary kay. But I'm not sure how.
Pros:
I know the product line very well.
I've used it myself since I was 14.
I am regularly assumed to be a good 10yrs younger than I am, so my own face can be used to advertise mary kay line.
I do have a website.
I can process visa, mastercard, and discover.
Cons:
I live in an area of the Rust Belt that was hit pretty hard by the recession.
Mary kay is not cheap.
I don't drive, so I can't go visit customers or deliver their orders.
I can't process american express. (Not without paying an additional $50 a month.)
Hmmmmm.
Foodwise...I slept mos the day. I finished off the half-bag of turkey jerky and had a jolly rancher hard candy and a mini twizzler. Mom is on season 7 so the Voyager obsession will only help me for another day, maybe two. I best take advantage.
I went ahead and got some potassium bicarbonate from amazon. It's not pills, but the reviews show other people were using it as a dietary supplement. Turns out US law forbids pottasium supplements to have more than 99mg per dose. That's a problemt because 99mg is barely 3% what you need each day. I've done prunes and bananas etc before....they tend to go bad before I finish them, especially the prunes. I was looking for something shelf-stable, that won't go bad for awhile. And preferably doesn't require refridgeration.
My drugstore.com and Gnufoods.com orders are going to have to wait. Sadly. I still haven't paid my phone bill for this month and that must come first.
Being poor sucks.
Ok...so I'm broke. How can I turn this into an advantage? I still have some carby things to finish up 3 Nature Valley granola bars (yummy!) And that entire box of fiber one oats & chocolate (uber yummy!) Once those are gone I'll have the safe foods and the chocolate stockpile (must not touch)
And my drink mixes. Have a lot of little Aria cans from that sale before xmas..and still have a can and a half of my Body Fortress. Also have 2 boxes of the glucosamine/chondtrotin drink mix and a handfull of things I wanted to try like a One-a-Day vitamin powder drink mix (not bad) and a vitamin drink mix aimed at diabetics (haven't tried it yet, but is very low carb) I also have a few small cans of lightly salted almonds.
And I just found a box of cheerios.
Yes it's annoying to haave no cup-a-soups and to be low on power crunch. But seriously I should be able to deal. There's a problem with my brain if I can't make it work on what I have left.
The Piggy McBingey thing is *over* dammit. Cramping is done with, the painful part is over. Fatigue does suck, but how about napping instead of eating? I got the next couple days off.
....
....
....
And that's what I've done. Slept the day away. Lots of weird dreams, from watching the Virgin Mary argue about how Jesus wanted to be born to a poor family (Joseph was concerned about his ability to provide) and at some point my brain wrote a Voyager episode (wish I could remember it) and then thinking about Samantha's pierced belly button. I was wondering if it was still pierced. Don't they heal up closed if they're not maintained? But I can't think about piercings for long. They make me queasy.
Been looking over my finances. Yikes and more yikes. Even with giving up WoW (sob!) Things are tight. I'm just not getting enough work hours. I average 16 hrs a week now. I guess vacations are done for awhile. Ouch. Much as I hate that job, money is necessary. R suggests I try to drum up more mary kay. But I'm not sure how.
Pros:
I know the product line very well.
I've used it myself since I was 14.
I am regularly assumed to be a good 10yrs younger than I am, so my own face can be used to advertise mary kay line.
I do have a website.
I can process visa, mastercard, and discover.
Cons:
I live in an area of the Rust Belt that was hit pretty hard by the recession.
Mary kay is not cheap.
I don't drive, so I can't go visit customers or deliver their orders.
I can't process american express. (Not without paying an additional $50 a month.)
Hmmmmm.
Foodwise...I slept mos the day. I finished off the half-bag of turkey jerky and had a jolly rancher hard candy and a mini twizzler. Mom is on season 7 so the Voyager obsession will only help me for another day, maybe two. I best take advantage.
I went ahead and got some potassium bicarbonate from amazon. It's not pills, but the reviews show other people were using it as a dietary supplement. Turns out US law forbids pottasium supplements to have more than 99mg per dose. That's a problemt because 99mg is barely 3% what you need each day. I've done prunes and bananas etc before....they tend to go bad before I finish them, especially the prunes. I was looking for something shelf-stable, that won't go bad for awhile. And preferably doesn't require refridgeration.
My drugstore.com and Gnufoods.com orders are going to have to wait. Sadly. I still haven't paid my phone bill for this month and that must come first.
Being poor sucks.
Ok...so I'm broke. How can I turn this into an advantage? I still have some carby things to finish up 3 Nature Valley granola bars (yummy!) And that entire box of fiber one oats & chocolate (uber yummy!) Once those are gone I'll have the safe foods and the chocolate stockpile (must not touch)
And my drink mixes. Have a lot of little Aria cans from that sale before xmas..and still have a can and a half of my Body Fortress. Also have 2 boxes of the glucosamine/chondtrotin drink mix and a handfull of things I wanted to try like a One-a-Day vitamin powder drink mix (not bad) and a vitamin drink mix aimed at diabetics (haven't tried it yet, but is very low carb) I also have a few small cans of lightly salted almonds.
And I just found a box of cheerios.
Yes it's annoying to haave no cup-a-soups and to be low on power crunch. But seriously I should be able to deal. There's a problem with my brain if I can't make it work on what I have left.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Late last night the monthly bleeding started. It's early. I wondered why my willpower was being drained so quickly. I wasn't doing anything strenuous. I was barely restricting. And what little restricting I did do was thrown to the wind at lunch today. At least I know why.
Got Star Trek: Voyager playing. I always did adore Janeway. And I adore Seven of Nine, and not just for her hotness. She's got a brain and that uber-Zen thing going on that amuses me so much. I still prefer T'Pol but Seven is such a close second that sometimes they are neck and neck. Hmmmm that's a nice image.
Not really sure what else to say here....brain not exactly fully functional. And the current Voyager episode is some time travel thing....I hate time travel storylines. And this one in particular one is very annoying. Already Seven has died. The episode is called Relativity and I do not like. Apparently she gets "recruited" several times. Ugh and ugh.
My cat senses I don't feel well. Or maybe she's curious about Mom's chili. Which is very spicy btw.
T'Pol and Seven also have strong loyalties to their captains.
Episode over. The cuteness of the Janeway-Seven interactions made it bearable. I'm with Janeway...I hate the very idea of time travel.
In room now. Very tired. Damn period.
Got Star Trek: Voyager playing. I always did adore Janeway. And I adore Seven of Nine, and not just for her hotness. She's got a brain and that uber-Zen thing going on that amuses me so much. I still prefer T'Pol but Seven is such a close second that sometimes they are neck and neck. Hmmmm that's a nice image.
Not really sure what else to say here....brain not exactly fully functional. And the current Voyager episode is some time travel thing....I hate time travel storylines. And this one in particular one is very annoying. Already Seven has died. The episode is called Relativity and I do not like. Apparently she gets "recruited" several times. Ugh and ugh.
My cat senses I don't feel well. Or maybe she's curious about Mom's chili. Which is very spicy btw.
T'Pol and Seven also have strong loyalties to their captains.
Episode over. The cuteness of the Janeway-Seven interactions made it bearable. I'm with Janeway...I hate the very idea of time travel.
In room now. Very tired. Damn period.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
I weighed myself at the gym yesterday, when no one was watching.
167. It hurt. I deserved it.
Even knowing that weight, even with my aim to post regularly again...it still took the whole day to start dragging myself back into control. I finally stopped eating at 7. It is only 10:30 now. I'm just starting to deal with hunger pangs. I am willing to have a small 100cal can of tuna. I want my cat in here tho first ^_^
And speak (type) of my baby, she's meowing at my door.
I have got to redo this bed. The mattress topper has slid over so much I think my electric mattress pad might crease to the point of damage. And besides...unpacking my mary kay order yesterday...I think I'm a bit allergic to the new packing material, and some got on my bed. My nose just won't stop itching. It's very annoying. The packing material had been crushed to powder in the corners of the box, and the powder was on some of the products and some flew out. Oy.
Miserable itchy nose. At least my eyes aren't itchy anymore.
To distract myself when Sims was not enough, I started to dig through this disaster of a room and gather all my perfumes together. I also have a cologne, like a proper gayelle ^_^
And various body sprays. I haven't found all the body sprays yet. But I've almost got all the perfumes together. 3 more left to find I think. No idea how many body sprays left to find.
Hmmmm...strange how I love Bumblebee's premade tuna salad but I'm not a big fan of their plain tuna. I wish their tuna salad came by itself, tho I do like the crackers they use. But those lil tuna salad cans in those kits are just too expensive for what little you get. Think I'll hit google and see if it exists alone.
Well it doesn't exist alone. Best I can hope for is someone out there came up with a recipe that tastes similar. Blah...I bet walmart is cheaper than my work. Even with my discount. I seriously need to drive. Sigh. Meijer is cheaper...their website is saying 12 boxes for 15 dollars. Dunno why walmart didn't have a shopping result in my google search. I've been in the walmart grocery and they not only have the bumblebee tuna w crackers box, but they also have a bumblebee tuna w crackers and peaches and a cookie box! They call it something like complete lunch to go.
Still hungry.
Fuck.
Must ignore.
Still have over a box of the atkins peanut fudge granola...tasty tasty. I thinkn I'll treat them as my candy bars. And oh dear I still have a whole box of fiber one bars left...must not eat them now. They gotta wait til I have nothing to do the next day. Those things are addictive. I will probably eat all 5 at once.
Food review!
I need to get more Gnu bars. They're soft and chewy and uberyummy and yet somehow they're not as addictive as fiber one. They're also less processed than fiber one. I get them at gnufoods.com I remember when they only had 4 flavors and they sent me a free peanut butter bar for feedback. It was very good btw.
These Gnu guys make kickass bars, I'm assuming they haven't changed since I last ordered and adored gnu bars. My fave flavor is the chocolate brownie, I also like the banana walnut and the peanust butter and the cinnamon raisin. The only reason I didn't like the orange cranberry is because I don't like cranberry. These guys do a kickass job of making their bars taste good.
They have added some new flavors since I last ordered. Oh! And yay they also made a sample pack option! I remember suggesting that. I bet I wasn't the only one ^_^
Oh! And gnu bars have 4g protein vs fiber one's 2g. And a bit less sugar... and whoa! Gnu has 12g fiber vs fiber one's 9g.
What the hell am I doing? Read it yourself:
http://gnufoods.com/shop/compareus/#compare-cereals
Hmmmm that link isn't the bars page? Eh you'll find your way from there. I was looking at the bars and I got my fiber one box right here and the website was telling the truth about the fiber one so I assume the rest of the info is true too.
Gnu is more expensive. I can get a box of fiber one for like $3. Here's how I justify getting gnu...
I seriously cannot eat just 1 fiber one bar. I sometimes eat the whole friggen box in a single sitting. And they're 140cal each! So while fiber one is cheaper per bar, if I'm eating multiple bars that price difference becomes irrelevant. With gnu I am happy with just one bar. It's kinda like milk chocolate and dark chocolate. Gnu has a dark chocolate taste and fiber one is more milk chocolatey.
I don't want to knock fiber one, because they do make good products. Their oats & chocolate bars are seriously yummy! Too yummy! Which is why I just think gnu is better suited to my needs.
Gah! I need to either go to sleep or go looking for my address labels. I actually got a mary kay order to send off and since I only have like 2 customers I do need to keep them happy.
Hmmmm....flickering lights... fun. Let's charge the phone while awake. No going to sleep with sensitive electronic plugged in.
167. It hurt. I deserved it.
Even knowing that weight, even with my aim to post regularly again...it still took the whole day to start dragging myself back into control. I finally stopped eating at 7. It is only 10:30 now. I'm just starting to deal with hunger pangs. I am willing to have a small 100cal can of tuna. I want my cat in here tho first ^_^
And speak (type) of my baby, she's meowing at my door.
I have got to redo this bed. The mattress topper has slid over so much I think my electric mattress pad might crease to the point of damage. And besides...unpacking my mary kay order yesterday...I think I'm a bit allergic to the new packing material, and some got on my bed. My nose just won't stop itching. It's very annoying. The packing material had been crushed to powder in the corners of the box, and the powder was on some of the products and some flew out. Oy.
Miserable itchy nose. At least my eyes aren't itchy anymore.
To distract myself when Sims was not enough, I started to dig through this disaster of a room and gather all my perfumes together. I also have a cologne, like a proper gayelle ^_^
And various body sprays. I haven't found all the body sprays yet. But I've almost got all the perfumes together. 3 more left to find I think. No idea how many body sprays left to find.
Hmmmm...strange how I love Bumblebee's premade tuna salad but I'm not a big fan of their plain tuna. I wish their tuna salad came by itself, tho I do like the crackers they use. But those lil tuna salad cans in those kits are just too expensive for what little you get. Think I'll hit google and see if it exists alone.
Well it doesn't exist alone. Best I can hope for is someone out there came up with a recipe that tastes similar. Blah...I bet walmart is cheaper than my work. Even with my discount. I seriously need to drive. Sigh. Meijer is cheaper...their website is saying 12 boxes for 15 dollars. Dunno why walmart didn't have a shopping result in my google search. I've been in the walmart grocery and they not only have the bumblebee tuna w crackers box, but they also have a bumblebee tuna w crackers and peaches and a cookie box! They call it something like complete lunch to go.
Still hungry.
Fuck.
Must ignore.
Still have over a box of the atkins peanut fudge granola...tasty tasty. I thinkn I'll treat them as my candy bars. And oh dear I still have a whole box of fiber one bars left...must not eat them now. They gotta wait til I have nothing to do the next day. Those things are addictive. I will probably eat all 5 at once.
Food review!
I need to get more Gnu bars. They're soft and chewy and uberyummy and yet somehow they're not as addictive as fiber one. They're also less processed than fiber one. I get them at gnufoods.com I remember when they only had 4 flavors and they sent me a free peanut butter bar for feedback. It was very good btw.
These Gnu guys make kickass bars, I'm assuming they haven't changed since I last ordered and adored gnu bars. My fave flavor is the chocolate brownie, I also like the banana walnut and the peanust butter and the cinnamon raisin. The only reason I didn't like the orange cranberry is because I don't like cranberry. These guys do a kickass job of making their bars taste good.
They have added some new flavors since I last ordered. Oh! And yay they also made a sample pack option! I remember suggesting that. I bet I wasn't the only one ^_^
Oh! And gnu bars have 4g protein vs fiber one's 2g. And a bit less sugar... and whoa! Gnu has 12g fiber vs fiber one's 9g.
What the hell am I doing? Read it yourself:
http://gnufoods.com/shop/compareus/#compare-cereals
Hmmmm that link isn't the bars page? Eh you'll find your way from there. I was looking at the bars and I got my fiber one box right here and the website was telling the truth about the fiber one so I assume the rest of the info is true too.
Gnu is more expensive. I can get a box of fiber one for like $3. Here's how I justify getting gnu...
I seriously cannot eat just 1 fiber one bar. I sometimes eat the whole friggen box in a single sitting. And they're 140cal each! So while fiber one is cheaper per bar, if I'm eating multiple bars that price difference becomes irrelevant. With gnu I am happy with just one bar. It's kinda like milk chocolate and dark chocolate. Gnu has a dark chocolate taste and fiber one is more milk chocolatey.
I don't want to knock fiber one, because they do make good products. Their oats & chocolate bars are seriously yummy! Too yummy! Which is why I just think gnu is better suited to my needs.
Gah! I need to either go to sleep or go looking for my address labels. I actually got a mary kay order to send off and since I only have like 2 customers I do need to keep them happy.
Hmmmm....flickering lights... fun. Let's charge the phone while awake. No going to sleep with sensitive electronic plugged in.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Ana Regzig is the author of kickass blog Dying to be Thin. The blog is abandoned...I'm guessing cuz Regzig got caught, poor thing. Anyway it's located at anaregzig.blogspot.com and I still read thru it sometimes.
Also....is it me or is this Bree changing her blog a LOT? Is someone constantly reporting her? Cuz I have gotten long comments a few times now that were basically announcing a new blog. And when I checked it, 3 entries and the 2nd one, the one w the pics, was VERY familiar...like copy-pasted kind of familiar. I don't get it? Is there a backstory here that I don't know about?
Sometimes I think about banning myself from blogger until I get my shit together .... then I realize that not blogging is a huge reason why my shit is not together.
Went to a party at a buffet restaurant tonight. For $10 a plate. So yea....I stuffed myself.
Ugh ugh...just breathing feels tight right now.
I did go to gym beforehand. My bro showed me what he does. And he's done 2 triathlons, so he must have some idea what he's doing.
Ugh I am so stuffed. This level of fullness is really uncomfortable. I definitely understand why some purge it out.....I just can't. The very idea makes me green in the gills. I have always hated throwing up. Painful, disgusting.... I do everything I can to avoid it. If I feel even slightly sick to my stomach, I will not eat. Of course when the feeling-sick comes from being so hungry it turns to nausea, I get into a fun little loop. I don't want to die though, so after the nausea goes away, I'll ttake a bit of milk or something light and gentle like that.
I know milk doesn't go well with everyone's stomach but it seems to calm my stomach.
Currently listening to Vienna Teng song My Medea...or at least that's what it's listed as on youtube. I find the song entrancing. Does Vienna Teng have CDs out? CDs, not itunes. I HATE itunes... or any other "protected" format...here's why.
When my computer crashes/gets infected/ otherwise fucked up...the music doesn't transfer. I had realplayer for a long time but when that computer finally died and I transferred evverything over to a slightly less ancient computer...none of my realplayer files would play. And some of the CDs i'd taken those songs from had been lost or stolen over the years. The realplayer, my backup, was designed to NOT function as a backup! So thanks to "antipiracy software" it is ILLEGAL for me to recover/copy over files that I made from my bought CDs. What the flying fuck.
So when I found this comic, I wholeheartedly agreed:
http://xkcd.com/488/
Ofc I don't actually know enough computer stuff to really pirate....but when a new song shows up in the shared music files, I don't complain..
And now whenever I buy a new CD I have uncle rip it. He knows how to strip the "protection" away and stripping that shit also shrinks the file.
Musicians make their money by selling their music, either as CDs or live performances.
Live performances are bought and paid for per performance, per concert. That's fine.
But when I buy a CD I only want to buy it once. Period. End of discussion.
A CD is not a live performance.
Also....is it me or is this Bree changing her blog a LOT? Is someone constantly reporting her? Cuz I have gotten long comments a few times now that were basically announcing a new blog. And when I checked it, 3 entries and the 2nd one, the one w the pics, was VERY familiar...like copy-pasted kind of familiar. I don't get it? Is there a backstory here that I don't know about?
Sometimes I think about banning myself from blogger until I get my shit together .... then I realize that not blogging is a huge reason why my shit is not together.
Went to a party at a buffet restaurant tonight. For $10 a plate. So yea....I stuffed myself.
Ugh ugh...just breathing feels tight right now.
I did go to gym beforehand. My bro showed me what he does. And he's done 2 triathlons, so he must have some idea what he's doing.
Ugh I am so stuffed. This level of fullness is really uncomfortable. I definitely understand why some purge it out.....I just can't. The very idea makes me green in the gills. I have always hated throwing up. Painful, disgusting.... I do everything I can to avoid it. If I feel even slightly sick to my stomach, I will not eat. Of course when the feeling-sick comes from being so hungry it turns to nausea, I get into a fun little loop. I don't want to die though, so after the nausea goes away, I'll ttake a bit of milk or something light and gentle like that.
I know milk doesn't go well with everyone's stomach but it seems to calm my stomach.
Currently listening to Vienna Teng song My Medea...or at least that's what it's listed as on youtube. I find the song entrancing. Does Vienna Teng have CDs out? CDs, not itunes. I HATE itunes... or any other "protected" format...here's why.
When my computer crashes/gets infected/ otherwise fucked up...the music doesn't transfer. I had realplayer for a long time but when that computer finally died and I transferred evverything over to a slightly less ancient computer...none of my realplayer files would play. And some of the CDs i'd taken those songs from had been lost or stolen over the years. The realplayer, my backup, was designed to NOT function as a backup! So thanks to "antipiracy software" it is ILLEGAL for me to recover/copy over files that I made from my bought CDs. What the flying fuck.
So when I found this comic, I wholeheartedly agreed:
http://xkcd.com/488/
Ofc I don't actually know enough computer stuff to really pirate....but when a new song shows up in the shared music files, I don't complain..
And now whenever I buy a new CD I have uncle rip it. He knows how to strip the "protection" away and stripping that shit also shrinks the file.
Musicians make their money by selling their music, either as CDs or live performances.
Live performances are bought and paid for per performance, per concert. That's fine.
But when I buy a CD I only want to buy it once. Period. End of discussion.
A CD is not a live performance.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Me: this binge hangover is driving me bonkers. I'll have another chocolate binge to fend it off.
Body: What the flying fuck?!? I just...I just got all the shit out... literally the shits... wtf ..I JUST CAN'T WITH YOU! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME YOU EVIL PERSON WTF DID I EVER DO TO YOU!
Me: omnomnom
Body: seriously want to give up but giving up=death and sadly the human body is wired to survive as long as possible. I hate evolution.
....
Yanno valentine's day was easy... it's the day after when all the yummy chocolate goes on sale...that's my problem. Oooo yummy chocolates in pretty boxes for half off!
Diabetes is gonna be fun. Hmph.
So I've been binging and crashing. Just now starting to catch up on blogs.
Working over valentines was....fun... too. All the last-minute shoppers bitching about "not much selection"
Well gee dumbass, if you'd gotten your shopping done earlier you'd have had a better selection. Early bird and all that. I hear the same shit on xmas. If you wait til xmas fucking evve then don't bitch about what's left.
And don't do the waiting-for-it-to-go-on-sale bitchfit either. If you REALLY want it, you'll pay full price. That's what the lady who actually bought it up did. So she got it instead of you. Fucking deal.
Retail is perhaps not a good match for me.
Speaking of that demon...I got 3hrs before I need to put my work face on and be a good little wageslave. Possible 3 and a half hours if I push it.
Wow my sleep pattern is fucked.
Night.
Body: What the flying fuck?!? I just...I just got all the shit out... literally the shits... wtf ..I JUST CAN'T WITH YOU! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME YOU EVIL PERSON WTF DID I EVER DO TO YOU!
Me: omnomnom
Body: seriously want to give up but giving up=death and sadly the human body is wired to survive as long as possible. I hate evolution.
....
Yanno valentine's day was easy... it's the day after when all the yummy chocolate goes on sale...that's my problem. Oooo yummy chocolates in pretty boxes for half off!
Diabetes is gonna be fun. Hmph.
So I've been binging and crashing. Just now starting to catch up on blogs.
Working over valentines was....fun... too. All the last-minute shoppers bitching about "not much selection"
Well gee dumbass, if you'd gotten your shopping done earlier you'd have had a better selection. Early bird and all that. I hear the same shit on xmas. If you wait til xmas fucking evve then don't bitch about what's left.
And don't do the waiting-for-it-to-go-on-sale bitchfit either. If you REALLY want it, you'll pay full price. That's what the lady who actually bought it up did. So she got it instead of you. Fucking deal.
Retail is perhaps not a good match for me.
Speaking of that demon...I got 3hrs before I need to put my work face on and be a good little wageslave. Possible 3 and a half hours if I push it.
Wow my sleep pattern is fucked.
Night.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Wanna know someting funny? I had no idea today was valentines day until y'all started posting about it. Without those posts my first clue would have been going in to work tomorrow and seeing the valentine candy half off.
Well my present to myself was eating hell of a lot LESS than I have for the past few days. And unless that hot cocoa and the latte are considered junk...then I didn't have junk. I did eat like 8 single pieces of candy corn. I am still working thru the same candy corn bag I've had since Christmas. Can't binge on candy corn. Yay for safe sweets!
I've had no carbs since 7pm. Had a can of tuna at 9. Let my cat clean out the can.
Been sleeping a lot. The junk bige-a-rama of the past few days caught up with me. I swear I alternated between having the shits or being constipated all day. Felt sick most of the day.
Mom shares my addiction to sugar. We're talking about giving up junk food for Lent.
She also tried some of my remaining Lipton Cup a soups. She likes them. They're nice for when you want soup but a can is too much. She asked what I paid per box and I pay $2 per box, usually 4 packets in a box. One type has 3 packets in a box. Well she thinks she can get them cheaper at grocery store. So I might not have to buy those anymore.
Though I probably still will just so I can always have my faves around. I do actually like them all equally. But I feel I really want to keep the spring vegetable one around as it has the lowest calories. I don't fully remember how many calories but I think it's like 40cal a packet.
And I'm down to my last box of power crunch. So making an order within the next 10 days would be a good idea. Gotta allow for shipping time. Tho if I didn't have a power crunch for breakfast every day I could make the box last longer....
But no power crunch breakfast tends to equal junk food binge.
Haven't had a bar since I sent the gilr that email...and my eating definitely got worse.
Wow my spelling sucks tonight. Side effect of the fatigue probably. I also get hunger pangs on and off....they go away once their consistently ignored. But ignoring them and pushing through them can be very hard. Willpower is a finite resource. I guess my long weekend as Piggy McBingey shored up my willpower reserves again.
Wow I'm tired. Here's to dreaming about lovely bosoms ^_^
Well my present to myself was eating hell of a lot LESS than I have for the past few days. And unless that hot cocoa and the latte are considered junk...then I didn't have junk. I did eat like 8 single pieces of candy corn. I am still working thru the same candy corn bag I've had since Christmas. Can't binge on candy corn. Yay for safe sweets!
I've had no carbs since 7pm. Had a can of tuna at 9. Let my cat clean out the can.
Been sleeping a lot. The junk bige-a-rama of the past few days caught up with me. I swear I alternated between having the shits or being constipated all day. Felt sick most of the day.
Mom shares my addiction to sugar. We're talking about giving up junk food for Lent.
She also tried some of my remaining Lipton Cup a soups. She likes them. They're nice for when you want soup but a can is too much. She asked what I paid per box and I pay $2 per box, usually 4 packets in a box. One type has 3 packets in a box. Well she thinks she can get them cheaper at grocery store. So I might not have to buy those anymore.
Though I probably still will just so I can always have my faves around. I do actually like them all equally. But I feel I really want to keep the spring vegetable one around as it has the lowest calories. I don't fully remember how many calories but I think it's like 40cal a packet.
And I'm down to my last box of power crunch. So making an order within the next 10 days would be a good idea. Gotta allow for shipping time. Tho if I didn't have a power crunch for breakfast every day I could make the box last longer....
But no power crunch breakfast tends to equal junk food binge.
Haven't had a bar since I sent the gilr that email...and my eating definitely got worse.
Wow my spelling sucks tonight. Side effect of the fatigue probably. I also get hunger pangs on and off....they go away once their consistently ignored. But ignoring them and pushing through them can be very hard. Willpower is a finite resource. I guess my long weekend as Piggy McBingey shored up my willpower reserves again.
Wow I'm tired. Here's to dreaming about lovely bosoms ^_^
Heeee I did the the WoW South Park episode. My bro showed it to me and my mom at the same time. He'd already left WoW. Mom had seen me play enough that she got the jokes.
We all laughed our heads off. I said it was too bad that killing the boars didn't really work like that. They did stop giving experience depending on their level vs yours.
And then I really got made fun of.
I've been moping.
I'm not depressed enough to lose my appetite, just depressed enough to want to eat all the chocolate in sight.
.moping. major moping.
Thus far today i'vve had 2 apple slices and a Charlie Brown Vanilla Coca packet. They were sold individually as xmas item. They're currently marked down to 25 cents each. 25 cents for a cup of cocoa. Eh...they're not bad.
I didn't like the apple slices tho. They're from a party Mom ran, and they were treated w lemon juice to prevent browning. And I can really taste the lemon.
Fell asleep with my Sims 1 game playing. When I woke up they were all ghosts. Oops. Quit without saving!
While digging thru this mess in an attempt to clean, I found a little coffee latte packet. A Valinna Bean Latte by General Foods International....the packet says they're the same peeps who make Maxwell House. It's only a little 6oz sample that I got in a drugstore order.
Hmmm....not that bad. Think I put 8oz of water instead of 6 tho...oops. but it's not bad. I could take coffee in this form...in small amounts. :)
It's only 1pm here so the caffeine won't keep me up. The fact that I slep until noon might.
I also had a slice of toast with peanut butter before I started the coffee. Try to prevent upset stomach. Some milk in the latte too.
I don't see caffeine on the ingredients list....just "instant coffee" and the milk solids ect.
And the computer's ancient speakers went out again.
I feel warm. Like warmer than usual. Kinda nice, really. I kept falling asleep uncovered and waking up shivering.
I feel warm, but I don't feel more alert. Then again caffeine doesn't always wake me up anyway...and I'm still not sure there is caffeine in this.
And my gmail app is being a dick. Which means I have to use the browser.
Which means signing out of this account and signing in to the other one.
Later...
We all laughed our heads off. I said it was too bad that killing the boars didn't really work like that. They did stop giving experience depending on their level vs yours.
And then I really got made fun of.
I've been moping.
I'm not depressed enough to lose my appetite, just depressed enough to want to eat all the chocolate in sight.
.moping. major moping.
Thus far today i'vve had 2 apple slices and a Charlie Brown Vanilla Coca packet. They were sold individually as xmas item. They're currently marked down to 25 cents each. 25 cents for a cup of cocoa. Eh...they're not bad.
I didn't like the apple slices tho. They're from a party Mom ran, and they were treated w lemon juice to prevent browning. And I can really taste the lemon.
Fell asleep with my Sims 1 game playing. When I woke up they were all ghosts. Oops. Quit without saving!
While digging thru this mess in an attempt to clean, I found a little coffee latte packet. A Valinna Bean Latte by General Foods International....the packet says they're the same peeps who make Maxwell House. It's only a little 6oz sample that I got in a drugstore order.
Hmmm....not that bad. Think I put 8oz of water instead of 6 tho...oops. but it's not bad. I could take coffee in this form...in small amounts. :)
It's only 1pm here so the caffeine won't keep me up. The fact that I slep until noon might.
I also had a slice of toast with peanut butter before I started the coffee. Try to prevent upset stomach. Some milk in the latte too.
I don't see caffeine on the ingredients list....just "instant coffee" and the milk solids ect.
And the computer's ancient speakers went out again.
I feel warm. Like warmer than usual. Kinda nice, really. I kept falling asleep uncovered and waking up shivering.
I feel warm, but I don't feel more alert. Then again caffeine doesn't always wake me up anyway...and I'm still not sure there is caffeine in this.
And my gmail app is being a dick. Which means I have to use the browser.
Which means signing out of this account and signing in to the other one.
Later...
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Well I got her email response. Sadly, as I expected, she is straight.
She is also so gay-friendly she was shocked when she first found out gay people are persecuted. Her mother ran a community theater for awhile and loves the theater scene and guess where gays hang out? So she has never thought of being gay as something strange. Some people are just gay like some people are left-handed.
I am sad at knowing I shall never have a chance with her.
At the samee time.....knowing she's not interested is a small relief. I can move on withouut guilt. And I did get my chance to tell her how much I respect her.
Still.....
Sigh. :(
In other news, money is so damn tight I had to choose between World of Warcraft and the gym
*cries*
I hope to be back on WoW soon.
Not sure what else to say. I am sad. But I do also feel a bit braver. It was hard to write her. And even harder to hit Send.
Had like 10 chips ahoy.... bad
Not sure what to do now. R is gonna call around 10 or 11 to tell me about his addiction, a game called Minecraft. I'm playing the free-to-play Classic version right now. Looks like legos. It's not bad. I've figured out how to move around, place things and knock them down. Mining is kinda amusing. You can really tunnel into the mountains.
And I just tunnelled down into a place w metal deposits.
And I'm totally lost.
Hey, I found lava.
Got lost again.
Hey let's drill to the bottom of the lake.
Found the bedrock.
Can't find the place where lava and water meet.
But I did find the edge of the world.
So basically a huge-ass island that you build whatever you want on.
Except a roof.
Bored now. Might be more fun in the full veersion. And it's a lot cheaper than WoW.
Ofc....so is Farmville or so I'm told.
And Samantha Ronson plays Farmville ^_^
Gonna go listen to some music. I should probably work on that disaster of a room. I have clean clothes in trash bags because I have nowhere else to put them at the moment.
She is also so gay-friendly she was shocked when she first found out gay people are persecuted. Her mother ran a community theater for awhile and loves the theater scene and guess where gays hang out? So she has never thought of being gay as something strange. Some people are just gay like some people are left-handed.
I am sad at knowing I shall never have a chance with her.
At the samee time.....knowing she's not interested is a small relief. I can move on withouut guilt. And I did get my chance to tell her how much I respect her.
Still.....
Sigh. :(
In other news, money is so damn tight I had to choose between World of Warcraft and the gym
*cries*
I hope to be back on WoW soon.
Not sure what else to say. I am sad. But I do also feel a bit braver. It was hard to write her. And even harder to hit Send.
Had like 10 chips ahoy.... bad
Not sure what to do now. R is gonna call around 10 or 11 to tell me about his addiction, a game called Minecraft. I'm playing the free-to-play Classic version right now. Looks like legos. It's not bad. I've figured out how to move around, place things and knock them down. Mining is kinda amusing. You can really tunnel into the mountains.
And I just tunnelled down into a place w metal deposits.
And I'm totally lost.
Hey, I found lava.
Got lost again.
Hey let's drill to the bottom of the lake.
Found the bedrock.
Can't find the place where lava and water meet.
But I did find the edge of the world.
So basically a huge-ass island that you build whatever you want on.
Except a roof.
Bored now. Might be more fun in the full veersion. And it's a lot cheaper than WoW.
Ofc....so is Farmville or so I'm told.
And Samantha Ronson plays Farmville ^_^
Gonna go listen to some music. I should probably work on that disaster of a room. I have clean clothes in trash bags because I have nowhere else to put them at the moment.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Samantha Ronson 101
Well I sent the email to the in-person crush and now I'm freaking out.
I also had a nerves-induced binge earlier. And having Reeses Chips Ahoy in the house did not help.
And now that I've hit Send on that email....I've got a very strong urge to go back downstairs and finish off those Reeses Chips Ahoy.
So in an effort to keep my shaking hands from shoveling crap into my big fat motuh...I'm gonna do a Samantha Ronson 101 post.
Samantha is the twin sister of Charlotte Ronson and the twins are the younger sisters of Mark Ronson, a DJ and producer who made Amy Winehouse's Back to Black album.
The 3 Ronson kids were all born in England, the children of Ann Dexter and Laurence Ronson. The parents divorced when the twins were very young, and only Mark remembers much of that time.
Ann won custody and brought her kids to the US when the twins were about 7 or 8. This was the first time the twins were allowed to wear jeans, and they were very excited. As little girls in England they had always worn smock dresses, not jeans!
Ann met Mick Jones of Foreigner and they fell in love, married, and added more kids. Mick has been Samantha's father-figure for the majority of her life and she regularly calls him Dad and adores him.
Samantha's brother Chris Jones is I think from an earlier relationship of Mick's. Alexander and Annabelle Dexter-Jones are definitely Mick and Ann's kids.
Ann and Laurence also became civil to each other for the sake of the kids, and Samantha is also close to her siblings on the other side of the Atlantic. Laurence married again, but I don't know the name of his wife or of all their kids. There's a Henrietta, David, and Joshua but that leaves 2 unaccounted for.
Yup...that's right. When step-siblings and half-siblings are all counted in, Samantha is one of 10 kids. Samantha has often said that 9 is her favorite number. Not a lucky number, just her favv. As far as I know she has never explained why 9 is her fav, but I suspect it's because she has exactly 9 siblings.
Ofc Mick being in Foreigner, well he had lots of buddies in the music and entertainment biz. Mark often had Robin Williams reading bedtime stories to him. Samantha would come down to breakfast and find her mom talking to Robert de Niro. She has always lived within the world of famous people. Her stepdad was Foreigner! The idea that she needed lindsay lohan to make her famous is completely fucking ludicrous.
Ann was a strict mom. She once changed the locks on Mark so she'd catch him if he broke his curfew. She grounded her kids a lot. She also didn't see why teens would need an allowance larger than about $20 a week. She figured if her kids were spending more than that, they were probably getting into things that they shouldn't. If they wanted more money, they had to go get jobs. Mark and Samantha got into DJing. Mark being older, he had a head start and paved the way. As he started getting into producing he would slide some of his DJing gigs to Samantha, which helped her get started. They're both with Roc Nation now, and it's funny how Roc Nation treats them like they're interchangeable.
I've already mentioned Samantha's songs in a much earlier post. I love her songs. She needs to practice guitar more and she needs to stop smoking, but I think her songwriting is already kickass. Sadly Samantha has shitty luck. Roc-a-fella went under and her debut album was never released. She's been reduced to selling her songs individually through itunes.
Her most famous song is Built This Way which was used in the movie Mean Girls.
Ana Regzig is a full time actress and model. I do not think Samantha is Regzig, but given Samantha's many connections, they *might* know each other.
I do wonder if Samantha is anorexic though. There are a few old pics of her being bone skinny, and then being slender but still fairly healthy.
But the most recent slender-but-healthy pics I've seen are from 2004. After that she met lindsay. I know I went ana as a coping mechanism. Maybe Samantha did too. The "rohan" dating months were filled with reports of constant fighting, and then videos of fights started appearing. Lindsay has also used her twitter account to accuse Samantha of doing drugs, of cheating, of lying, and of spitting on lindsay. In march 2009 there was a huge fight where lindsay broke Samantha's window. April 2009 was the famous lindsay getting banned from Charlotte's fashion event thing. I think Samantha asked her family for help. Damn near her entire family was there that night. And the next day the locks on Samanth's house were changed.
Samantha has been followed by paparazzi, been asked if she goes to a barber, been called a man, been accused of hitting lindsay.
Sounds like a really stressful situation to me. And Samantha is so skinny that when she sits, her kneecaps stick up.
At one of Charlotte's events Charlotte posted a pic she claimed was Samantha's liquid rider in full effect. And among the Fiji water and the Coca-Cola and the one bottle of Jack Daniels there was a pack of Ensure. The kind for muscle repair.
So Samantha is not Regzig. But she might still be anorexic. She likes to wear a lot of bracelets. I'm trying to keep an eye out for flashes of red, but the way she likes to have piles on her wrists, I might miss it.
........
........
..........
And once again I fell asleep before I hit Post. Why do I do that?
I also had a nerves-induced binge earlier. And having Reeses Chips Ahoy in the house did not help.
And now that I've hit Send on that email....I've got a very strong urge to go back downstairs and finish off those Reeses Chips Ahoy.
So in an effort to keep my shaking hands from shoveling crap into my big fat motuh...I'm gonna do a Samantha Ronson 101 post.
Samantha is the twin sister of Charlotte Ronson and the twins are the younger sisters of Mark Ronson, a DJ and producer who made Amy Winehouse's Back to Black album.
The 3 Ronson kids were all born in England, the children of Ann Dexter and Laurence Ronson. The parents divorced when the twins were very young, and only Mark remembers much of that time.
Ann won custody and brought her kids to the US when the twins were about 7 or 8. This was the first time the twins were allowed to wear jeans, and they were very excited. As little girls in England they had always worn smock dresses, not jeans!
Ann met Mick Jones of Foreigner and they fell in love, married, and added more kids. Mick has been Samantha's father-figure for the majority of her life and she regularly calls him Dad and adores him.
Samantha's brother Chris Jones is I think from an earlier relationship of Mick's. Alexander and Annabelle Dexter-Jones are definitely Mick and Ann's kids.
Ann and Laurence also became civil to each other for the sake of the kids, and Samantha is also close to her siblings on the other side of the Atlantic. Laurence married again, but I don't know the name of his wife or of all their kids. There's a Henrietta, David, and Joshua but that leaves 2 unaccounted for.
Yup...that's right. When step-siblings and half-siblings are all counted in, Samantha is one of 10 kids. Samantha has often said that 9 is her favorite number. Not a lucky number, just her favv. As far as I know she has never explained why 9 is her fav, but I suspect it's because she has exactly 9 siblings.
Ofc Mick being in Foreigner, well he had lots of buddies in the music and entertainment biz. Mark often had Robin Williams reading bedtime stories to him. Samantha would come down to breakfast and find her mom talking to Robert de Niro. She has always lived within the world of famous people. Her stepdad was Foreigner! The idea that she needed lindsay lohan to make her famous is completely fucking ludicrous.
Ann was a strict mom. She once changed the locks on Mark so she'd catch him if he broke his curfew. She grounded her kids a lot. She also didn't see why teens would need an allowance larger than about $20 a week. She figured if her kids were spending more than that, they were probably getting into things that they shouldn't. If they wanted more money, they had to go get jobs. Mark and Samantha got into DJing. Mark being older, he had a head start and paved the way. As he started getting into producing he would slide some of his DJing gigs to Samantha, which helped her get started. They're both with Roc Nation now, and it's funny how Roc Nation treats them like they're interchangeable.
I've already mentioned Samantha's songs in a much earlier post. I love her songs. She needs to practice guitar more and she needs to stop smoking, but I think her songwriting is already kickass. Sadly Samantha has shitty luck. Roc-a-fella went under and her debut album was never released. She's been reduced to selling her songs individually through itunes.
Her most famous song is Built This Way which was used in the movie Mean Girls.
Ana Regzig is a full time actress and model. I do not think Samantha is Regzig, but given Samantha's many connections, they *might* know each other.
I do wonder if Samantha is anorexic though. There are a few old pics of her being bone skinny, and then being slender but still fairly healthy.
But the most recent slender-but-healthy pics I've seen are from 2004. After that she met lindsay. I know I went ana as a coping mechanism. Maybe Samantha did too. The "rohan" dating months were filled with reports of constant fighting, and then videos of fights started appearing. Lindsay has also used her twitter account to accuse Samantha of doing drugs, of cheating, of lying, and of spitting on lindsay. In march 2009 there was a huge fight where lindsay broke Samantha's window. April 2009 was the famous lindsay getting banned from Charlotte's fashion event thing. I think Samantha asked her family for help. Damn near her entire family was there that night. And the next day the locks on Samanth's house were changed.
Samantha has been followed by paparazzi, been asked if she goes to a barber, been called a man, been accused of hitting lindsay.
Sounds like a really stressful situation to me. And Samantha is so skinny that when she sits, her kneecaps stick up.
At one of Charlotte's events Charlotte posted a pic she claimed was Samantha's liquid rider in full effect. And among the Fiji water and the Coca-Cola and the one bottle of Jack Daniels there was a pack of Ensure. The kind for muscle repair.
So Samantha is not Regzig. But she might still be anorexic. She likes to wear a lot of bracelets. I'm trying to keep an eye out for flashes of red, but the way she likes to have piles on her wrists, I might miss it.
........
........
..........
And once again I fell asleep before I hit Post. Why do I do that?
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
i don't have a lot of time here on the computer but.... i just found this old old OLD picture and had to share.
I have no idea when this pic was taken... but I saw it and thought "wow... she looks a bit like Emma Watson here"
not a carbon copy or anything... and it's probably because they have similar hair color... or something? I dunno. Somewhere I have pics of Emma Watson (let's face it, she's gorgeous and i notice gorgeousness!) but i still haven't really organized my pics. Ugh.. me and organization do not know each other.
I want that haircut.
Anyway.... is it in my head? I mean there's a serious distance of years here..but i think Emma looks like a much much MUCH younger Samantha... or Samantha looks like a much MUCH older Emma. Like... Emma + many years of smoking like a damn chimney + not wearing sunblock + dating/being stalked by a psycho chick = Samantha.
Or maybe i'm just uber-tired and need to go to bed. I did binge again today (fuck!) and i'm hoping my 2 hour gym ass-kicking helped balance out the damn Reeses mini cups and the mini eclairs Mom brought home (omg those things are sinful)
also one of these days i really want to do a Twinpower post.. i swear my cutest pics of the Ronson girls are when they're together.
and i always wanted a twin when i was growing up. So there's some jealousy too.
and for fun... here's Samantha as few have seen her :)
somewhere in my messy pic folders there are more pics of that dress. This is from 2003 or 2004.. one of the twins' birthday parties. Samantha's famous (well to her fans anyway) Rainbow Dress.
i want that dress!
and it is definitely bedtime. Whatever blogger says.... it's actually 3:45am as i'm hitting Post.
G'night
I have no idea when this pic was taken... but I saw it and thought "wow... she looks a bit like Emma Watson here"
not a carbon copy or anything... and it's probably because they have similar hair color... or something? I dunno. Somewhere I have pics of Emma Watson (let's face it, she's gorgeous and i notice gorgeousness!) but i still haven't really organized my pics. Ugh.. me and organization do not know each other.
I want that haircut.
Anyway.... is it in my head? I mean there's a serious distance of years here..but i think Emma looks like a much much MUCH younger Samantha... or Samantha looks like a much MUCH older Emma. Like... Emma + many years of smoking like a damn chimney + not wearing sunblock + dating/being stalked by a psycho chick = Samantha.
Or maybe i'm just uber-tired and need to go to bed. I did binge again today (fuck!) and i'm hoping my 2 hour gym ass-kicking helped balance out the damn Reeses mini cups and the mini eclairs Mom brought home (omg those things are sinful)
also one of these days i really want to do a Twinpower post.. i swear my cutest pics of the Ronson girls are when they're together.
and i always wanted a twin when i was growing up. So there's some jealousy too.
and for fun... here's Samantha as few have seen her :)
somewhere in my messy pic folders there are more pics of that dress. This is from 2003 or 2004.. one of the twins' birthday parties. Samantha's famous (well to her fans anyway) Rainbow Dress.
i want that dress!
and it is definitely bedtime. Whatever blogger says.... it's actually 3:45am as i'm hitting Post.
G'night
Monday, February 7, 2011
I just now woke up from a dream about my crush. My in-person crush, not Ronson ^_^
It wasn't a sex dream, it was actually nicer than that. There was an emotional closeness that made the dream very sweet.
In my dream, my crush and I had gotten married or something, and it was our first night together. My mom was there too taking care of chores so my crush and I could focus on each other. I asked my mom to not run the dishwasher since we wanted the hot water.
I was both nervous and excited, running around busying myself and trying to calm my giddyness. My crush completely understood how I was feeling and would just gently joke with me to prod me along. She'd tease me.
And for some odd reason, we lived in the house I grew up in, the house that was the site of most of my painful memories. The house I first played with ana in. Our room was even stepdaddie dearest's old room. He'd taken over the master bedroom and made my mom sleep in my brother's old room. Even tho Mom paid all the bills. But my crush had taken over that room and made it ours, tho I forget just what it looked like in my dream.
Heh...and last night as I fell asleep I was trying to compose a letter, email technically, telling her how I felt. I do assume she's straight, and that she knows I'm not and she's uncomfy around me but too nice to say so. And I was gonna say I'm sorry for making her uncomfy.
And that is how I feel. I adore her, gotta confess my crush on her, but I also respect her and I want to be counted among her friends. And then I had this dream. Wishful thinking on the crush but the dream's setting is interesting. Is telling her how I feel gonna make it easier to face other obstacles? Or something?
......
......
......
.fell asleep after that dream. Should have gotten up instead. It was 7am when I wrote that. It's now noon.
Foodwise I did fairly well until last night. I had chocolate. Lots of it. Hence the sugar crashes and sleepiness. Sugar is not my friend. It tastes soooo good but it only knocks me out.
Sugar crashes put me to sleep faster than my melatonin tablets.
But when I was behaving...I was eating a power crunch bar for breakfast. I could go 5 hours before feeling hungry again. Those things rock. Netween power crunch and my glucosamine/chondroitin powder and like 10 almonds I could go 8 hours on just that. Mom's been cooking lately so I haven't experimented on lasting for more than 8 hours. Her cooking is carbalicious even in small doses, but soooooo good and she doesn't cook every night. She just got really bored during the super snowy days when all her activities were cancelled.
I best get my ass to the gym.
Peri- interesting articles, but I still think osteoporosis is more complicated than just "ZOMG LOW ESTROGEN!" Here in my neck of the woods our animals are de-sexed *after* puberty. Vets wait until after the first heat. So I've seen animals get periods. I've also had a lot of women's studies classes where we looked at how women have been treated by medicine over the eons and I am suspicious whenever a woman's problems are blamed on her reproductive system. So I admit I'm already. Automatically going to doubt medicine when it blames our wombs for our problems. You may well be right. I just need more convincing.
I still think there is sexism in medicine, which when combined with the medical assumptions about the mental state of anorexics..... yea I'm a doubter. :)
That's all that is.
Gah! Time is slipping! Now 1230! To the gym with my fat ass!
It wasn't a sex dream, it was actually nicer than that. There was an emotional closeness that made the dream very sweet.
In my dream, my crush and I had gotten married or something, and it was our first night together. My mom was there too taking care of chores so my crush and I could focus on each other. I asked my mom to not run the dishwasher since we wanted the hot water.
I was both nervous and excited, running around busying myself and trying to calm my giddyness. My crush completely understood how I was feeling and would just gently joke with me to prod me along. She'd tease me.
And for some odd reason, we lived in the house I grew up in, the house that was the site of most of my painful memories. The house I first played with ana in. Our room was even stepdaddie dearest's old room. He'd taken over the master bedroom and made my mom sleep in my brother's old room. Even tho Mom paid all the bills. But my crush had taken over that room and made it ours, tho I forget just what it looked like in my dream.
Heh...and last night as I fell asleep I was trying to compose a letter, email technically, telling her how I felt. I do assume she's straight, and that she knows I'm not and she's uncomfy around me but too nice to say so. And I was gonna say I'm sorry for making her uncomfy.
And that is how I feel. I adore her, gotta confess my crush on her, but I also respect her and I want to be counted among her friends. And then I had this dream. Wishful thinking on the crush but the dream's setting is interesting. Is telling her how I feel gonna make it easier to face other obstacles? Or something?
......
......
......
.fell asleep after that dream. Should have gotten up instead. It was 7am when I wrote that. It's now noon.
Foodwise I did fairly well until last night. I had chocolate. Lots of it. Hence the sugar crashes and sleepiness. Sugar is not my friend. It tastes soooo good but it only knocks me out.
Sugar crashes put me to sleep faster than my melatonin tablets.
But when I was behaving...I was eating a power crunch bar for breakfast. I could go 5 hours before feeling hungry again. Those things rock. Netween power crunch and my glucosamine/chondroitin powder and like 10 almonds I could go 8 hours on just that. Mom's been cooking lately so I haven't experimented on lasting for more than 8 hours. Her cooking is carbalicious even in small doses, but soooooo good and she doesn't cook every night. She just got really bored during the super snowy days when all her activities were cancelled.
I best get my ass to the gym.
Peri- interesting articles, but I still think osteoporosis is more complicated than just "ZOMG LOW ESTROGEN!" Here in my neck of the woods our animals are de-sexed *after* puberty. Vets wait until after the first heat. So I've seen animals get periods. I've also had a lot of women's studies classes where we looked at how women have been treated by medicine over the eons and I am suspicious whenever a woman's problems are blamed on her reproductive system. So I admit I'm already. Automatically going to doubt medicine when it blames our wombs for our problems. You may well be right. I just need more convincing.
I still think there is sexism in medicine, which when combined with the medical assumptions about the mental state of anorexics..... yea I'm a doubter. :)
That's all that is.
Gah! Time is slipping! Now 1230! To the gym with my fat ass!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Wheeeeee! Mich has confirmed she sent everyone the same necklace! I hope you kept one for yourself, Mich! You gotta be included in the JEWELRY! Friendship, love and JEWELRY! Heeeeeee
I have vague memories of those old Best Friend necklaces. I grew up in a cave and I never had anyone to share those necklaces with. So when I thought we all had the same necklace my brain when to the friendship pearls in the opening scenes of First Wives' Club.
Foodwise today was a disaster. Fucking chips ahoy addiction! Why'd I have to go and eat those? Moron. Hey,being fat is fun!
Body: ummm... No it is NOT! Bleh!
If not for my damn sugar addiction today would have been marginally ok. 100cals of applesauce (I got motts cups to use up) for breakfast. And I took my B vitamins and omega-3 pills yay me :) My protein shake and an 80cal mini bar for lunch. And a 300cal TV dinner with a cup of milk @80cal.. then I fell asleep and woke up just after midnight. Hungry. Had a fiber one bar (gotta finish those up too) and just now finished a can of tuna. My kitty enjoyed me sharing a bit :)
Cal counts a bit high, ok very high, but after a week straight of daily binges I am just trying to step down without throwing my body into shock. Trying to step the carbs down too. I remember how rarely I felt hungry when I did manage to get into ketosis, so I want to get there again . Fucking sugar addiction. I also want to protect what little muscle I have, to lose the fat without losing the muscle. Feel a little hungry right now, mostly thirsty. I've got these 10cal drink powder packets that are glucosamine chondroitin supplements. My brother, who is so damn athletic now he has done 2 triathlons, says the supp will help my ankles. My little ankles often hurt. They're probably just pissed at carrying all this weight.
I was happy to find the supp as a drink mix tho. I hate taking pills. And this gets more water in me. And it has a lemony lime flavor that reminds me of flat Mt Dew. Not as good a taste as real Mt Dew but palatable and better for me. And it goes fizzy like alka-seltzer for awhile. You're supposed to wait until the bubbles stop.
Weighed myself. More than I wanted but less than I was afraid of. Seems I've maintained same weight for a month. Sigh, but better than gaining. Fucking plateaus. Why are the 160s so hard to break through for me? Grrrr...
Wow my supp drink is doing the trick. I don't know why it makes me feel so full. It's only 10cal. I know that a cal-containing liquid takes longer to go thru the stomach than plain water does tho.
Am thinking of joining PrettyThin. I've heard so much about it, some good and some less so, and I'm curious. And I read the About Me that the guy running it posted. And it's kinda cool how he is trying to keep it going after the founder couldn't. He seems to be one of the few non-ED people who is actively trying to understand. And not patronize us. And I want to support that. So I'm thinking about joining.
I have vague memories of those old Best Friend necklaces. I grew up in a cave and I never had anyone to share those necklaces with. So when I thought we all had the same necklace my brain when to the friendship pearls in the opening scenes of First Wives' Club.
Foodwise today was a disaster. Fucking chips ahoy addiction! Why'd I have to go and eat those? Moron. Hey,being fat is fun!
Body: ummm... No it is NOT! Bleh!
If not for my damn sugar addiction today would have been marginally ok. 100cals of applesauce (I got motts cups to use up) for breakfast. And I took my B vitamins and omega-3 pills yay me :) My protein shake and an 80cal mini bar for lunch. And a 300cal TV dinner with a cup of milk @80cal.. then I fell asleep and woke up just after midnight. Hungry. Had a fiber one bar (gotta finish those up too) and just now finished a can of tuna. My kitty enjoyed me sharing a bit :)
Cal counts a bit high, ok very high, but after a week straight of daily binges I am just trying to step down without throwing my body into shock. Trying to step the carbs down too. I remember how rarely I felt hungry when I did manage to get into ketosis, so I want to get there again . Fucking sugar addiction. I also want to protect what little muscle I have, to lose the fat without losing the muscle. Feel a little hungry right now, mostly thirsty. I've got these 10cal drink powder packets that are glucosamine chondroitin supplements. My brother, who is so damn athletic now he has done 2 triathlons, says the supp will help my ankles. My little ankles often hurt. They're probably just pissed at carrying all this weight.
I was happy to find the supp as a drink mix tho. I hate taking pills. And this gets more water in me. And it has a lemony lime flavor that reminds me of flat Mt Dew. Not as good a taste as real Mt Dew but palatable and better for me. And it goes fizzy like alka-seltzer for awhile. You're supposed to wait until the bubbles stop.
Weighed myself. More than I wanted but less than I was afraid of. Seems I've maintained same weight for a month. Sigh, but better than gaining. Fucking plateaus. Why are the 160s so hard to break through for me? Grrrr...
Wow my supp drink is doing the trick. I don't know why it makes me feel so full. It's only 10cal. I know that a cal-containing liquid takes longer to go thru the stomach than plain water does tho.
Am thinking of joining PrettyThin. I've heard so much about it, some good and some less so, and I'm curious. And I read the About Me that the guy running it posted. And it's kinda cool how he is trying to keep it going after the founder couldn't. He seems to be one of the few non-ED people who is actively trying to understand. And not patronize us. And I want to support that. So I'm thinking about joining.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Dear Piggy McBingey,
The monthly bleeding is pretty much over. So please get the fuck out now. Thanks.
Honor.
Well I slept most the day away. Bad me!
Haven't restricted much, did start keeping track two days ago and wow fuck me.
Something interesting happened last night...me and R were discissing weight and health since we're both a bit overweight. R found a weight formula that says ideal weight is up to 100lbs for up to 5 feet tall...then an additional 5lbs for every inch over 5 feet. So by that formula, which is for women, my ideal is 135. He found a similar formula for men that says his ideal is 195. He says he's 220. I was surprised. He doesn't look overweight to me so I'm wondering if this formula is right. I told him he carried it well. He told me I carried mine well, that he was only concerned because he sees how my weight makes me unhappy.
He then said he thought I was 120 when we met.
And then the interesting thing...I thought "can I really have the muscle I want if I weigh that little?"
Wait...what? When did this happen?
I basically have PERMISSION to drop as low as 120 and no questions asked..and I'm worried about losing my biceps?
Well this is an interesting headspace. Because the weight-loss methods I prefer are still very ana-oriented. It's 5pm and I've had a single fruit jelly square (those Fruit Delights I mentioned before...I can't binge on them so they're a safe sweet.) A few of my little Pastelinnes (also a safe sweet) and an atkins bar. And water.
I still think "empty calories" when I look at pasta. I don't even like the taste of white bread.
I thought it would be best to just accept that i'd always have ana-thinking since i'd gone ana at such a young age. Abusive childhoods suck. And I do still have some ana-thinking. So it's interesting that while I'm not against losing weight down to 130...I am concerned about my muscle mass. I don't have a lot of muscle to begin with. I want to gain muscle, not lose it.
In my body image dream, I'm at a nearly-"healthy" weight but my body fat percentage is so low this damn period is gone or nearly gone. I'm not sure that's possible, but I've read reports about female athletes losing their periods so I dunno.
My real question is...why is losing the period such a big fucking deal? Stop defining us women by our reproductive organs, damn it. I am not a life support system for a uterus!!
The monthly bleeding is pretty much over. So please get the fuck out now. Thanks.
Honor.
Well I slept most the day away. Bad me!
Haven't restricted much, did start keeping track two days ago and wow fuck me.
Something interesting happened last night...me and R were discissing weight and health since we're both a bit overweight. R found a weight formula that says ideal weight is up to 100lbs for up to 5 feet tall...then an additional 5lbs for every inch over 5 feet. So by that formula, which is for women, my ideal is 135. He found a similar formula for men that says his ideal is 195. He says he's 220. I was surprised. He doesn't look overweight to me so I'm wondering if this formula is right. I told him he carried it well. He told me I carried mine well, that he was only concerned because he sees how my weight makes me unhappy.
He then said he thought I was 120 when we met.
And then the interesting thing...I thought "can I really have the muscle I want if I weigh that little?"
Wait...what? When did this happen?
I basically have PERMISSION to drop as low as 120 and no questions asked..and I'm worried about losing my biceps?
Well this is an interesting headspace. Because the weight-loss methods I prefer are still very ana-oriented. It's 5pm and I've had a single fruit jelly square (those Fruit Delights I mentioned before...I can't binge on them so they're a safe sweet.) A few of my little Pastelinnes (also a safe sweet) and an atkins bar. And water.
I still think "empty calories" when I look at pasta. I don't even like the taste of white bread.
I thought it would be best to just accept that i'd always have ana-thinking since i'd gone ana at such a young age. Abusive childhoods suck. And I do still have some ana-thinking. So it's interesting that while I'm not against losing weight down to 130...I am concerned about my muscle mass. I don't have a lot of muscle to begin with. I want to gain muscle, not lose it.
In my body image dream, I'm at a nearly-"healthy" weight but my body fat percentage is so low this damn period is gone or nearly gone. I'm not sure that's possible, but I've read reports about female athletes losing their periods so I dunno.
My real question is...why is losing the period such a big fucking deal? Stop defining us women by our reproductive organs, damn it. I am not a life support system for a uterus!!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Gah! I've got like 10 minutes to spare here. Looking forward to my next days off. When I only get 1 day off I tend to catch up on sleep so I really do need a few days in a row.
R took me to the only gay-friendly lutheran church in my area this past Sunday and I felt so welcome I cried in public. I hate crying in public.
One lady there even gave me her number in case I needed someone to talk to.
I get the feeling this church even knows what it's like having to talk some poor gay kid out of a religion-induced suicide. It's hard to keep living when you've been taught you're going to Hell simply for falling in love.
R had an interesting idea for how to deal with my disaster of a floor. Pack everything in boxes like I'm moving out and then "move" back in. Seems a bit extreme but well...extreme problems often require extreme solutions.
And I gotta go put my happy-wage-slave mask on.
Internet hugs to everyone!
R took me to the only gay-friendly lutheran church in my area this past Sunday and I felt so welcome I cried in public. I hate crying in public.
One lady there even gave me her number in case I needed someone to talk to.
I get the feeling this church even knows what it's like having to talk some poor gay kid out of a religion-induced suicide. It's hard to keep living when you've been taught you're going to Hell simply for falling in love.
R had an interesting idea for how to deal with my disaster of a floor. Pack everything in boxes like I'm moving out and then "move" back in. Seems a bit extreme but well...extreme problems often require extreme solutions.
And I gotta go put my happy-wage-slave mask on.
Internet hugs to everyone!
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