Dear Piggy McBingey,
The monthly bleeding is pretty much over. So please get the fuck out now. Thanks.
Honor.
Well I slept most the day away. Bad me!
Haven't restricted much, did start keeping track two days ago and wow fuck me.
Something interesting happened last night...me and R were discissing weight and health since we're both a bit overweight. R found a weight formula that says ideal weight is up to 100lbs for up to 5 feet tall...then an additional 5lbs for every inch over 5 feet. So by that formula, which is for women, my ideal is 135. He found a similar formula for men that says his ideal is 195. He says he's 220. I was surprised. He doesn't look overweight to me so I'm wondering if this formula is right. I told him he carried it well. He told me I carried mine well, that he was only concerned because he sees how my weight makes me unhappy.
He then said he thought I was 120 when we met.
And then the interesting thing...I thought "can I really have the muscle I want if I weigh that little?"
Wait...what? When did this happen?
I basically have PERMISSION to drop as low as 120 and no questions asked..and I'm worried about losing my biceps?
Well this is an interesting headspace. Because the weight-loss methods I prefer are still very ana-oriented. It's 5pm and I've had a single fruit jelly square (those Fruit Delights I mentioned before...I can't binge on them so they're a safe sweet.) A few of my little Pastelinnes (also a safe sweet) and an atkins bar. And water.
I still think "empty calories" when I look at pasta. I don't even like the taste of white bread.
I thought it would be best to just accept that i'd always have ana-thinking since i'd gone ana at such a young age. Abusive childhoods suck. And I do still have some ana-thinking. So it's interesting that while I'm not against losing weight down to 130...I am concerned about my muscle mass. I don't have a lot of muscle to begin with. I want to gain muscle, not lose it.
In my body image dream, I'm at a nearly-"healthy" weight but my body fat percentage is so low this damn period is gone or nearly gone. I'm not sure that's possible, but I've read reports about female athletes losing their periods so I dunno.
My real question is...why is losing the period such a big fucking deal? Stop defining us women by our reproductive organs, damn it. I am not a life support system for a uterus!!
I have mixed feelings about lost periods. I haven't gotten mine since the end of June (I don't think it's because of being underweight because I'm not underweight--think it had more to do with going off the pill and my reproductive system being effed up in general). I don't miss it. But sometimes I do worry that I will not be able to spawn an army. Or at least spawn two perfect sons.
ReplyDeleteI did send everyone the same heart necklace. I got them in bulk at a garage sale and they made think of those best friend necklaces everyone wore in the 90's. :D
<3 the First Wives Club.
xoxo
The problem is that when you lose your period you start losing bone density one hell of a lot quicker, among other things. Imagine being 27 and having the skeleton of a 90 year old woman!!
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I like muscle too. Thinspo pics of skeletal girls don't inspire me, but athletes do. Maybe because of the daily sweat they put in to achieve their physiques XD I'd like to keep the physical strength and endurance to ride my motorbike all day if I want to!
Fuck I HATE therapists who don't understand what it's like from the other side! Student Health's counselling service is so bad it should be shut down for criminal negligence. You guys have helped me a lot more than those cunts ever have!
Have an awesome weekend, Honor! xoxoxo
What about female animals that get neutered? They still seem as spry as ever. And aren't humans just animals with egos? :p :)
ReplyDeleteWell...still not convinced. There are birth control methods that stop periods so I don't think periods can be that crucial.