hugs to Dumb Brunette. Thanks, cutie ^_^

@Tempest.. ah you were the one who asked. I could remember someone asked me that but I couldn't remember who and checking Blogger stuff is getting harder. I can't scroll down. I can post but that's it. Sorry I missed you :(
And congrats on your license!!! Rock on little one!
I actually am afraid to line my waterline, so I've never done it. Don't go cheap, though. I like how soft the Wet 'n Wild eyeliners are... but when they get in my eyes they itch like hell. All my drugstore stuff itches when it gets in my eyes. Even a marykay eyeshadow will itch a little. So I'm afraid to line my waterline.

MY GRAPHICS PAD CAME!!!!!
And I love love love it!
I still suck at drawing, big surprise, but using the pad does feel more natural and much less frustrating. It makes cartoon creating feel much more fun. And it FEELS like I draw faster, but when I checked the time I realized I was still taking just as long on my pad as i took when using the mouse.
But it's fun for me so it feels like i go faster. or something ...
The pad plugs into my USB port and the pen uses a single AAA battery. I dunno if it's ok to unplug the pad when I'm done using it. I hope so. I don't want that cord hanging around tempting the cats to bite it.
I do like how I can use the pad and the mouse at the same time.. well have them both plugged in anyway. The computer adapts to whichever method is moving at the moment. So i'll switch from pad to mouse to copy-paste something- then switch back and it's as easy as picking up the pad again. Love it!!!

after just putzing around on it for a few hours (it's now 3:30am and i opened my pad at 9pm) I made a cartoon that is really me venting a bit... and practicing my handwriting with my pad ^_^
Quick background... the store I work at, the whole chain actually, sometimes has these sales where when you buy an item, after you pay a coupon prints out from the register that is worth the same price as the item.
Working is always hell when those sorts of sales go on. Post-sale coupons often print out anyway, but not often for the item's full price. And you get a free-after-coupon sale going on........

And this will continue through multiple transactions. One lady i rang out had 30 separate transaction, each of 2 or 3 items, and these transactions were damn near identical because she was cycling through some 3 items that had free-after-postsale-coupon. She added a few cheap candies when she wanted to use more than one postsale coupon on one item.

What the hell does one family do with soooo many copies of the same 3 or 4 items? This shit happens with toothbrushes (the lady said they were stocking stuffers... I'd be pissed if i got a toothbrush as a Christmas present, especially if I was a kid) With deoderants, with makeup, with breath strips... even with "fat burner" pills that are really just lots of caffeine (seriously.. look at diet pill ingredients with a careful eye... they're just stimulants).. do people even notice that these items have expiration dates??? How can anyone use up sooo many copies before they all go bad?
Another lady bought a pack of condoms that she admitted she wouldn't use.. she just wanted the coupon. Why??? Why on earth???

And then I wonder how much TIME these women (and they're all women thus far) must spend creating these shopping lists, especially the ones who add manufacturer coupons into the mix. They come in expecting to get money and um nooo.... the coupons are not allowed to put the total into the negatives. So those women also end up buying cheap candies just so they can pay 43 cents or so and use allll their coupons on their orders.
And yea, these women really do get lots of stuff for pennies to a couple dollars.

But is it REALLY worth it? is it really worth all the time to organize coupons in their binders, line up their shopping lists, annoy the hell out of us and the people behind them with their multiple transactions, and then carry all those duplicates home?

Maybe they're really selling those duplicates at flea markets or something. ^_^

Dumb Brunette: a few years ago the ELCA as a whole finally voted to accept gay people as equals, but the legislation also had a clause where individual churches didn't have to follow it.
And Mom's "church" is one of those. At first there was a group that tried to convince the rest of the congregation to leave the ELCA entirely, but that fell thru. Instead the "church" voted to never accept gays as equals and they called it a "compromise". Really? Compassionate people don't compromise with bigots. So I don't feel comfy there anymore.
But before that big ELCA vote the rule was gay pastors had to take a vow of celibacy. Any churches who chose to call a gy pastor in a relationship were forbidden from voting at synod gatherings. It's been a hard fight thus far and I'm so tired of fighting. I just want to go to a church where my orientation is a nonissue. Where they just want me happy, whoever I'm with. You know?

Eloise: yea I do feel guilty for buying something that seems like it's just for fun. Not food, not clothes, not for a house...sigh... hard programing to ignore. Thanks for encouragement. And yea, I have found some disability rights laws in my area. The "fun" part would be proving my case. So guess I need to start writing stuff in a dated notebook, instead of just on here.

Speaking of...... he did it again tonight. (Dec 26)
I was stuck closing. He was closing manager. Btw I stillm have no voice. In many ways I feel better but my voice is still a froggy gargle mess. Which he seems to think a cop-out judging by his snort. Anyway after a day of doing what he wanted, even him having me pick up the trash he made when he broke down xmas gift sets to sell as individual items...I picked up his trash and put all those items away and hunted down bar codes for items he showed me, all while trying to transfer 6 shelves of sunblock back to their proper location (I ran out of time and have 2 shelves left)....after all that..after I had clocked outt after closing he asked if i'd put 2 shippers away. I had no idea what he was talking about. So he walked me back, tho I was already clocked out, and showed me a dispaly unit that held fragrance testers. It had been back there for a month because we used the testers. So I took the testers into the back room and then he unlocked the door to let me out.
If it were really that important, wouldn't he have thought about it before I clocked out and had my coat on?
What the fuck.
At least the floor cleaner guy was there so I didn't have to mop.

convincing myself that i'm worth it.....

So I only got $30 for Christmas. Yes, that was it. I was raised too poor for presents so I'm actually used to it. Oh well.
What really bothered me was being unable to go to MY church for Christmas Eve service. Went to Mom's instead, the "church" that voted to not accept gay pastors or do unions ever.

And the DigiPro pad I'd been looking at is basically no longer there, cuz unless it's at least Fulfilled By Amazon I'm never sure if i'll actually get what i pay for. I trust Amazon, but when I get a list of "offered by these sellers" I'm never quite sure if I'm gonna be scammed. (Also there's no free shipping guarantee)
So my new choices are a $20 drawing pad that looks kinda like a regular mousepad, and only has 2 reviews, and only one is positive.. or the $40 VT PenPad that has 55 reviews and a 4 starout of 5 average. Both are shipped from Amazon's own warehouses.
That Omron hip pedometer, the black one that measures distance as well as steps is still there and done by Amazon.
I had Christmas Day off, and totally slept through church *facepalm* and am therefore up at 4am again. At least I'm feeling better, but my voice is still gone and the hacking cough is still around. Headache is less common, yay.
Work is still slaughtering me. It's draining. Day after day after day and not enough recoup time. I'm catching up on blogs on the comp (sorry no pics) and I'm loving Peri's most recent posts, since she's in retail too. She's in a deli and I'm in a drugstore, but we're both stuck being treated like trash by customers, so I'm identifying there. Also, I did work in a deli for a year back when R and I first met. And i do remember how much it SUCKED. I will say that being in a drugstore at least doesn't have that smell. The deli I worked at had both meat and cheese and fried "chicken" and constantly stank of fried grease and fat, and outdated head cheese. Blech!!!
Definitely gonna start thinking of customers as NPCs. And possibly some of the bosses and coworkers too. After all working retail is really just being a ground-level drone. Employees are basically given scripts to follow, that's what all that "training" is really about. Working a cash register isn't that damn hard.
So just like in a game, you're in a job filled with NPCs who are all running on their own individual scripts.
And besides.. I've actually been told to see dollar signs when i look at customers, so seeing them as less that human is perfectly job-approved ^_^
it's seeing the employer as an NPC that would probably piss him off. But I think he sees me as an NPC from his view, so what's the difference?

ok... getting the courage to log into amazon... i deserve the $40 tablet... I have the money.... and it's the tablet that I feel is a more solid bet...and yes it is ok to get the pedometer too..... why am i so hesitant? Assuming both products work as advertised, i'll get much enjoyment out of a one-time purchase..the pedometer i could even wear to work, to encourage my calorie-burn and maybe make work feel less like a total waste of my time. At least i'll know how many calories i burned! And the tablet?
tell you a secret.. I sometimes daydream about launching my own webcomic, like on its own site and everything. Wouldn't a graphics pad, even a simple one, help make that dream just a little more possible?
And even without actually launching a webcomic, i'd still get much enjoyment out of these items... far more than I get out of my many impulsive chocolate purchases...I don't think this hard about them.
Maybe because the dollar amounts are larger?
But that's not true either.. i found some old receipts.. and I can spend $40 on chocolate in 2 months. So clearly I'm holding myself back over something else. Let's just buy the pad and forget buying more chocolate for 2 months... or even 1? Cuz i've got a cupboard full of chocolate right now... I was too sick to eat much of it. I'd estimate about 5lbs of chocolate is up there, possibly more. Several xmas-theme single wrapped chocolates, and like 5 boxes of the andes mint cookies, and i think 4 12oz boxes of russel stovers.
i don't need to buy any more chocolate!!!! Buy the damn pad! Trade pad for chocolate! Chocolate makes me fat and fat makes me unhappy! The pad will not make me fat! And pad might help a dream come true!!! Why the fuck am i not hitting the damn button!!!

DID IT!!! Holy shit I was staring at the screen and sweating for like 15 minutes... why was that so hard? I used up those gift cards i mentioned... so my total for the pad and the pedometer was $31.... only one dollar more than i was given for Christmas. And wouldn't my Grandpa want his only granddaughter to buy herself something nice with his money? Instead of chocolate?

Why is it so hard for me to give myself the things I REALLY want?

hugs to everyone! Merry Christmas!
My pad is projected to be here on the 29th and here's hoping it works well!

Hugs to tracy and Dumb Brunette (why do you call yourself that?)

I am siiiiiiick. So sick I actually called off work. Boss said I was 3rd person to call off but I couldn't help it. Everytime I stand I get dizzy. My voice is nearly gone and my throat is throbbing. When my bro heard me talk he asked if I was trying to be a bass. Heh.
So bro let me off the hook for his housecleaning project, told me to go sleep. And ofc he had to mention that a cleaner house would help me not be sick.
I think I caught this from working in a damn drugstore, ok?

Anyway...my thinkgeek package arrived! Gonna play with my keychain camera once I can be upright (blogging on phone from bed) and I got into the spacefood sampler. The cinnamon apple slices came from backpackerspantry.com and were soooooo much better than the ones I got at walmart. The slices were thicker and lightly crispy and not overly sweet. Loved them. The strawberries are from astronautfoods.com as is the ice cream sandwich. I've had astronautfoods.com's ice cream before so I know their ice cream sandwich will also be good. Ok am eating the strawberries...mmmmmm... these are *whole strawberries* that were freeze-dried. Not slices. I can even see the seeds. I still prefer fresh strawberries since I do like the juice but oh well. These strawberries are miles above the ones I found at walmart, walmart ones were slices. Walmart ones were also much cheaper. I bet if I looked these strawberries up on astronautfoods.com i'd have to pay much more than 97 cents for them.

I need to go back to sleep now. Laterzzzz.....

and again today...

same tall-boss was at work for a bit today.. and at some point when i was stuck on front register with a SMALL line forming (i was only one on reg and the person i was ringing was using a card) and i leaned over for a second while her card was processing to check something else and he went "what's the hold-up?" and i said "card is processing" and he hung around up front for a bit longer, putzing around with something.
Not sure of exact time.. it was before 5pm because of who I was relieving so she could go to her lunch. i THINK it was around 3.

And here's something i didn't consider before.
I recently started doing my work makeup much better. The great youtube vids a number of you cool blogger friends here sent me have been helpful.
I'm not sure if this is connected. It's just something I'm wondering.. I look much more professional now. I look a lot better in general, because of my improved technique. Though I have always gelled my hair to keep it from getting caught in shelving and stuff, somehow the gel hairstyle with the new makeup combines in a way that makes my face look like I stepped out of a magazine.

The third possibility, which i just found out tonight, is supposedly some bigwigs were in town and might have visited the store i work at, or something. So assuming the bigwigs have left town again, MAYBE things will calm down. I'm staying alert either way. Supposedly the bigwigs left town today, and he was still watching me while he was there (another manager closed)
so I'm basically at Yellow Alert ^_^
Observing. Observing carefully as I can.

And yes, i was naughty, and a spy-camera is now on its way to me. i ended up going for the keychain camera, at $30, down from 79.99 and oh fuck.. sometime today it went down further, to $25.
Sigh. My luck sucks.
i also got the space food sampler, which has astronaut ice cream sandwich, strawberries, apple slices, and some "food sticks" a chocolate one and a peanut butter one, and two drink mix powder sticks. And a magnet.
I've tried the strawberries and the dried apple slices by another brand and they were good enough. But I've wanted to try the sampler for months. I've had the astronaut ice cream by this brand and it was FABULOUS! So I have high hopes for the sampler. But ofc the "other brand" i found at walmart is cheaper. And it isn't bad.. it's actually quite good. I just think the Astronaut Foods brand Thinkgeek carries is probably better. We'll see.

In other news, a student coworker was basically forced to miss her final exam when her asshole professor changed the exam time to a time when she was scheduled to work. the large coworker initially said she might cover student's shift, but flaked out at the last possible minute. If it were me, i might well have called in sick because I do draw the line at missing class for work's sake, but in any case her prof is still an ass and i definitely feel no need to ever cover a shift again for the large one.

Also.. I am still a fatass. Womanlies in full swing, eww eww eww, and so is Piggy McBingey. At least the calorie cramming has given me great energy. Did a full day's work on only 5 hours of sleep. Ugh.. my stomach isn't happy about it though.
Also I'm still staying up too late.

Still want pedometer.. as soon as those giftcards arrive i'm getting a pedometer and a graphic pad, probably the DigiPro. Anyway i found another pedometer, also by Omron, that is only like 70 cents more and measures miles as well as steps, and some reviews say it can tell between fast walking and slow walking.
The first one I found:
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000MNAXRA/

The new find that I'm tempted by:
http://www.amazon.com/Omron-HJ-151-Pedometer-Aerobic-Activity/dp/B000MN94A2/

Thoughts? I wouldn't wear it for aerobics, but if it does measure distance, that'd be nice.
And it's 5am again.. bad Honor!!

bad blogger, unhappy womanlies, and maybe job discrimination?

FUCK!!!
Once again Blogger is messing up when I'm on my phone.. I can't scroll down. I can post blogs of my own but I can't get to my reading list! Fuuuck!
Anyway now that I'm on computer (should have made a cartoon to practice with) I'm reading some blogs quick and am reminded of the skinny girl diet (SGD) oh yea.. veggies are freebies on that one. i remember reading that diet get demonized on some anti-free speech site somewhere that was badmouthing bloggers. The anti site didn't know the SGD had a free pass on veggies.
Really I think americans would solve a lot of health care issues if more americans followed that diet's idea of "eat more veggies!"
Why do the ana-sufferers get vilified while the obese are the ones swelling up (pun fully intended) the healthcare costs in this country? How many healthcare issues are tied to the growing (again pun intended) obesity rate?
Body-fascist morons.

And the womanlies have started.... GRRRR again? Already? I seriously need to keep a calendar. Well here's my ref to it for this month ugh.

moving on.. I want a graphics pad! I remembered that old swagbucks account and turned a lot of my points into $5 amazon giftcards but turns out there's a limit of only 5 of one kind of "reward" per month... and I wanted a pedometer too so i could get the free shipping.  The good Omron pedometers. So looks like I'm still stuck waiting until Christmas. Good news is thus far that DigiPro pad has been coming back in stock often enough to let me relax. Altho.... I do have the $25 already cuz of the extra work hours, and the giftcards would cover the pedometer. i dunno.. I'm wondering about getting the pad vs getting a small camera for that work thing I'm having trouble with....
Meanwhile I'm back hitting the swagb because they have a nintendo DSi on the redeem list. WANT.

Still hate my job. And I think the tall-manager is out to get me. Last time I worked w him..he creeped me out in a couple ways. he actually enforced a candy limit on me first. When we have LOTS of it left. he actually waited there for me to check (someone else rang me) and he gave some bullshit excuse about "the computer will actually max it out at twice the printed limit" (and no.. the computer doesn't care. I have actually tested this by ringing items in groups and trying the ad-coupon and it always works)
it's retail... retail is about SELLING. That's why computers don't limit without a LEGAL REQUIREMENT to do so (liquor license, underage customers etc)
So I need to watch if that asshole enforces the limit against anyone other than me, hopefully I'll get a chance to. I also left a message with the Accessibility Office at my school, looking if anyone could give me an idea what my rights are here. I know the Office at school is concerned with acessibility in the classroom, but anyone familiar with disability law shold be able to give me some idea what my rights are here, right?

Because I seriously felt followed and even stalked a bit that night. Everytime I straightened an aisle, he went down it and claimed he'd found something wrong "you didn't even touch this" and shit. Seriously?
And he'd watch me walk.
That was fucking creepy.
I need to get a copy of my scoliosis report. How do I do that? The lump in my back is visible (bigger than the gap between my thighs ever was) but I still don't remember how many degrees my curve was. Or curves, since i actually have two spinal curves, plus a rotation in the lower half. It's not pleasant.
(my half-sister can even see the second curve, she's got perfect eyesight. I'm jealous!)

It's why being on the front register is so painful.... the counter is fucking low.... my wrists barely touch it. So I basically am hunched over everytime i check people out, and then bending and twisting to put their shit in a bag, and the cash drawer is even lower, below the counter. NOT an ergonomic design at all.
And all the counters are that low. At least back at "my" counter i can leave and walk some, and go to the breakroom and stretch (not a good idea to do my stretches on the sales floor)
But he would follow, like deliberatly catch me in the breakroom sitting and bending over or stretching my bad right leg by pulling it over my left, and rubbing that one bone that sticks out on my right foot.
i do not fucking like this guy.
i feel like i'm being set up for something.
Am i being paranoid?
I'm so not used to this shit. I don't like it. And I'm not sure who to go to either. he's second-in-command. and he seems real close buddies with the boss.
Concealed camera? Thinkgeek has some. They're like $50 and up tho... I dunno. My phone takes video ofc but using that function would be soooo obvious.
OH SHIT i should not have checked Thinkgeek... some of their secret cameras are on sale fuuuuck.
Gee I wonder if i need anymore caffeine candies?
Sigh... no I don't. Don't even need more of those cupcake fizzy tabs. Could get me a shirt.... or try Bawls? I hear they make good root beer. Hmm price is same. and i get $10 a $40+ order hmmm...
uh oh... no geek points when getting the sale cameras.. that means they're going away. Which explains the huge price drop.
Ok.. logic...
Would I want this item even if i felt totally fine at work?
Fuck yes! I've wanted a small camera like that for months! Staring at the watch one vs the lighter one.. getting memories of that stupid Get Smart tv series, and Inspector Gadget. Thinking of the old James Bond movies...
But if i get this.. the graphics pad is pushed off a bit.
5am... sigh....

i can haz discipline?

Peri- I do not have Skype... I've heard of it tho.. what is it? Is it free? Is it idiot-friendly? Did i mention i fail at computers and cars both?
Eeeeks! Play my viola on youtube? *cowers*
And yet... I'm going to have to at some point.... one of the things i would like to do is cover some of Samantha Ronson's songs on my viola. how's she gonna hear them if i don't post them on youtube? *cowers again*

Therapy went well enough.... seems my blogger buddies on here aren't the only ones telling me i'm too hard on myself. But.. how do you NOT be hard on yourself when you can trace a lot of your problems to your own mistakes?
Sigh..
I think I'm gonna have to sign up for some sort of spring semester class to continue though... cuz I like staying on campus for soooo many reasons. Therapy... social... I have friends there... and you can only graduate if you're actually enrolled, apparently.
Lots of reasons to pick a simple filler class, probably a Pass/ no Pass 1 or 2 credit deal. Dunno... we'll see after Christmas.. the teachers are pretty much gonna be gone after next week, finals week.
Fuck, i have to study. Exam is on tuesday. And i also work on Tues... fuuuck.
i hate that place.

Mich sent me a Christmas card!! Thank youuuuuu!!!!!

O.G. over at Wanting is Not Enough is doing the ABC diet. i gotta say i've always been awed by the ones who can do that. Such discipline! Such drive!
But I freak about the lack of protein. I think it was O.G. who called me a "goofy lezzie" (which i loved, btw, and O.G. is a gay male so he's allowed ^_^)
Cuz i wanna keep some muscle tone dammit! i don't have much muscle to lose!
Soo... I'm looking over the basic ABC outline (O.G. has it on his Diets tab) and see if I can jigger it to keep my protein shakes. They're 180 cals each so... yea... umm... it's doubtful. Could start doing half-servings I guess.
Here's my idea so far: my go green mixes are about 16 calories for half packet (a full packet is too strong for me) so 2 half-packets is 32 or 33 (i swear my box says something different than the website.. sigh) and a protein shake is 180...so 212 or 213 basic.. and add a cup a soup-spring veg 45cals so i can "eat dinner" and avoid weird looks...258 minimum. And that's not counting the vitamins i like to add when my cal intake goes below 500 ugh...
still... picking my own stuff is less likely to drive me batty than following an approved-foods list. i hate those things. Don't tell me what to eat!
Also looked over the "master cleanse" umm... no. i do not like lemons that damn much. and good luck finding REAL maple syrup where I live.. and i prefer honey anyway. I did hear of a variation... that old Super Slim Me show the celebrity stylist guy talked about how "a lot of the girls" do a mix of lemon juice, water, cayenne pepper and honey.
still not into lemon but  i do like the idea of putting some honey with my go-greens packets, and adding a pinch of cayenne. I actually have my own little shaker of cayenne up in my room now. Snuck out and got it at walmart before my car started rebelling. haven't tried adding the honey yet. Got some dissolving in a small bottle in the fridge right now.
but i also like to put a bit of cinnamon in the night version, i've tried this before i got cayenne and honey.... water and go-greens and cinnamon help with my sugar cravings and also kinda calm me down a bit.
and cinnamon is good for metabolizing sugar.. i think.

Fuck!!!! 6am!! i gotta go!!!!
ok real quick.. any thoughts about the two graphics pads i seriously can't decide between?
http://www.amazon.com/PenPad-7-7-Inch-Graphic-Tablet-Black/dp/B003OBZRPU/
http://www.amazon.com/DigiPro-WP5540-Graphics-Tablet-Cordless/dp/B000GLQZJI

Blah.. reading cheesy "self-help" stuff that Google leads me too.
My first official therapy appt is tomorrow after class. Still have not contacted teacher.
Fail.
Therapy lady says they're open thru break.... so i have at least december to have some pro pick at my brains. One month sounds like that happy space that's helpful without being real intrusive.

Cuz i need something.... just not sure what. I think I can keep going once I'm started...
I was in therapy 2 times before.. once during the worst of the divorce from daddie dearest and once many years ago when i got molested and seriously felt trapped cuz the asshole basically said he'd call me transphobic if i ever told about him rubbing his peen on me and his hands on my little breasts.(he claimed to be a woman.. that's how he got his victims.. played on our sympathies but his male parts were FULLY erect!!) The therapy itself didn't help all that much (turns out my therapist was also his.. wtf??!?!?) but i did manage to not kill myself, to blame him (and the therapist to an extent) and tell a few friends and turns out I'm not his only victim. So there's that.... I can keep going once someone helps me get started.

And i need help with this self-sabotage. I don't know why I keep holding myself back. I can see I'm being stupid, but something seriously has me shaking when i think about finishing this degree.

And on top of that I also feel like a failure for even being IN this situation mentally. Normal people don't do this shit!

Yanno what.. Mich was right.. pics are helpful.....like a self-expression tool. I think a graphic tablet would be a good present to myself. I'm currently looking at the cheapest 2 on amazon.. and the $25 Digipro (says it's 5" by 4")keeps saying it's almost out of stock.. so i'm also looking at the $32 VT one (says 7" square) cuz i don't have the money yet. Just in case. And the VT is bigger or so it says. Christmas usually sees me getting $50 from my last surviving Grandparent. I'm his only granddaughter... all the other grandkids are boys. So i still get just a little bit spoiled ^_^
I need to slim down just a bit to wear a dress for him. he's an old fart and likes girls to wear dresses.
And hey.. i got that lovely I Heart Ronson dress....I can already get it on, cuz Charlotte's design is forgiving here, but it would look much better if i slimmed down a bit.
(Remember i am medically overweight.... peeps don't harass me about not eating, they say i'm in line for diabetes!)

And it's 3am again... I should figure out what the AIM password was.. fuck me and my bad memory.. at least we could be insomniacs together!

And it's 3am again....

Christmas tiime is hhheeeerrreeee.....

And Mom found me the old Charlie Brown Christmas movie.. packaged with Charlie Brown Thanksgiving and the Great Pumpkin one.

And xmas music (as opposed to Christmas cuz retail has no concent of CHRISTmas) is playing at work, and even tho retail sucks the soul out I'm still happy. Well... happy-ish.
When i'm not at work I'm much happier. Of course.
They're making me work closing shift on Christmas Eve. I'll be lucky to get off at 10:30.
I asked to be released at 9pm that night so i could attend church services. I made that request officially, in the computer, like a week ago.
nice to see that ignored, huh?
Retail is not medically necessary services... the pharmacy is closed. Just the store part is open.
We're not a gas station and we have no medical staff on duty. So why am i scheduled?
Isn't this some violation of my right to practice my religion or something?

I hate that place.

I seriously need another way to make money. I'm dirt poor.. by the tax returns for 2010 i made an average of $1000 a month. Yes i am serious. And in return for that paltry amount i work weekends and vacations and during my chosen religion's Holy Days.
And since I'm angry instead of depressed... guess what I've been doing?

Please meet Piggy McBingey:

 Chocolate and pumpkin rolls and eggnog (mmm) and all sorts of seasonal goodies. Those Andes mint cookes i loooove.

Also.. I can't draw hair in a laying-down position. I look like i got a beard here. Hah!! Why not?

Meh... I'll redo the pic some other time. i like it.. it's on the way to being my official Piggy McBingey avatar ^_^

I also still have the Cartman Beefcake pic this is based on (please tell me you recognized it) so if i want to start all over, i can.

Moving on.... i'm looking at cheap graphic tablets on Amazon. I'm loving the idea of turning an old idea of mine into a comic, since there's no way I could get peeps to act it out, yet more peeps to film it, then edit it to put on youtube. I know i could use the mouse and MSPaint but for some reason i like the idea of a tablet.
Besides... Dan Shive over at egscomics.com uses a tablet to make El Goonish Shive.
Seriously, I adore the characters over there. The comic is looong and often silly but I like silly. And going back to the very start you can see how his drawing has evolved. So i want a tablet.
let's ignore how I'm poor ^_^ maybe I'll make a tablet be my Christmas present to myself.





Still tempted by the idea of a small ad in the corner tho i know it would do no good. I'm just thinking if i had a few extra dollars from another source maybe i wouldn't be so afraid to fight to get my Holy Days off.


Car-wise... I'm still screwed. The Check Engine light still comes on regularly after about half an hour. So i'm afraid to drive farther than the quick zip to work and home. Probably not gonna make it to church tomorrow. That has me sad. Can email the pastor tho, and see if he knows anyone who can tell me if my car is about to implode. I use the same mechanic Mom likes, and he seems trustworthy so far, both on my account and going by Mom. But his shop is waaaaay out in the boonies. And I don't know if my car will make it.
And guess what? I can't find the OBD-II port!! Fuck! Since my car is a '95 it might still be OBD-I and ooooo that is gonna suck.
And yes i have been looking shit up. I feel like I should be able to fix my own car. Cuz a REAL lesbian could.

Let's ignore how i have no auto skills whatsoever.


My official excuse is hey.. i just got my license this past July. So I'm gonna learn now and catch up :p

I do want to learn tho.. for some reason the idea of fixing my own car just really makes me happy. Like.. in a bragging rights kind of way.

i am such a cliche.

and it's 1am so goodnight ^_^

hrrm

Guess what started last Monday?
Fucking womanlies!!!
And it was HEAVY.

I managed to get the "special pants" on.. then crashed all frigging day Monday ..... and Tuesday -_-

Was awake enough to drink some water, have a bit of chocolate or jerky, pee, and then more crashing.

Got up and finally went downstairs and Mom says "Wow, you're alive!"

I had no clue it was 2am on Weds morning.

Feck.

Bled all over the damn place too.

Good thing I had those pants on... went thru the pants, stained my sheets, when i sat on my desk chair for a second to change the music... got on the chair too.

Beyond annoying. Sheets can be bleached but what the fuck am i supposed to do about the off-white cloth covering the chair? (It was white, back when i was in 5th grade... more a gray now.. with a yucky brownish spot where i tried soo hard to blot the mess up.)

And then i still had to go right back to work on Thurs... I worked Thanksgiving... and i worked a full shift Fri (my birthday) and then had a fucking TEN HOUR SHIFT on Sat and then worked again yesterday (Sun) so i've been either working or eating or sleeping.

So i failed yet another class, cuz i fail. And exams are coming fast. Like the 2nd week of Dec.

And my car is fecked. Check Engine light is coming on for ME now... after about half an hour of driving. No idea what's up. I don't have money. Temperature gauge is sometimes going just over the halfway mark but is that really the cause?
At least it doesn't come on right away? So i can still drive to and from work instead of risking my life by walking over the busiest street in my area and where pedestrians apparently do not get Right of Way.

But even if it doesn't come on right away... isn't it bad that it comes on at all?
I'm wondering how high a car's temp gauge should go. Is it getting hot when it goes over the halfway mark? Not saying the temp causes it.. just that's what I'd noticed last time it happened. Since i rarely drive for longer than 10 mins at a time, the Engine Light hasn't come on since Thurs.
But how the hell could an engine overheat in this cold weather? That can't be it.

I don't know but I'm not happy. The glorious Internet says Autozone has a machine that can read the "Error code"  and give me some idea what's wrong. Maybe then I'll decide if I need to take it in ASAP or i can limp along til i get some more money (hah fucking hah)

And ofc since i'm broke I bought myself some birthday presents. JCPenney had the Ronson sweaterdress i want for half off... tho they didn't have the gray one, just the brown. So my second dress (so I could get free shipping) was a pretty sleeveless silver/black deal that was the same size, and also the I <3 Ronson line.
then i hit Sephora and got Charlotte's "Masquerade Set" (2 mini-lipsticks and an eyeshadow palette and a bag) and the Bumble and bumble hair tonic spray.
And since it was my birthday Sephora threw in a 6oz Philosophy body wash for free. Which was why i wanted to order that day. Also getting a lil 1oz Bb thickening hairspray. Getting quite a few freebies actually. ^_^

And i also got the Amazon mp3 version of Samantha's new album for myself. She promised on her twitter that an actual CD would be available soon but I'm impatient. Altho I'll probably get the CD too eventually..  considering how much $$ I've thrown at Charlotte for her stuff... i can throw $20 at Samantha.

I like it. It's a more complicated work than her earlier songs, and she gives a lot of variety and a lot of layering. Her voice is a little more autotuned in some than in others, which annoys me a little because I like her voice, but it does fit in with the songs. Each song is different.

And I know she's gonna be crucified for it too. All the insane lilo-stans are already all "this is about lindsayyyyy!!!!"  And ofc those same stans totally overlook blohan using Samantha for a number of things.
But anyway... Samantha's debut album Red (never fully released) was damn near all about her ex-boyfriend Happy Massee.
And can anyone name me a single artist who writes a love song who was NOT inspired by an actual relationship?

Right then... had to get that out ^_^

Chasing the Reds is the title of the album and of the first song. Samantha describes her style as "kinda poppy rock" and this one does show that. Her voice is very electronic in this song and it seems to be more a club song. It's a fun one.

Tuesdays- the opening actually made me think of the old Sonic games for a second. Her voice is less electronic here, and sometimes i think i hear her voice clearly. And these lyrics, the ones i can hear anyway... this is where someone might wonder... "I'm falling into what i don't exactly know." "I won't let myself believe that I'm not what you need." "I know I drink more than I should. I know I lied but for your own good."  "We both know you don't believe I'm not what you need." "But I'm just who you need"
The bounciness of this song seems to belie the hint of heavy meaning here.
Damn thing is.. if this is about what some people think.... she's probably right. Samantha was the one person willing to stand up to lindsay's spoiled entitled princess act. Samantha was willing to put her foot down, and yea blohan did need that. And we all see how it ended. Some people just don't want help. At least Samantha tried. She tried hard.

Skyscrapers- this is the one Samantha did with her brother Mark, and as soon as i learned that the very different style made total sense. Mark's style is all over this, but doesn't completely take over. It's a very interesting blend of their two styles. My hunch though is that the lyrics are mostly hers. Mark can blend disparate sounds well, but Samantha seems to be better with words. She's the poet.
This is another fun one, I think. She even raps for just a tiny bit, and it's actually kinda cute. Her voice is softer and more girlie than you'd expect. She's also speaking clearly, doesn't do the exaggerated breath thing that i hate so much.
i remember when she appeared on Mark's radio show way back when they were first floating this song, and she actually said, when she learned he was gonna preview Skyscrapers she said "hope it's not the part where I'm rapping" and he laughed and made no promises. And as he went for a break she quipped about how hearts get broken on his show.

Summer of Sam- I have no idea of the story behind this one.... i do have vague memories of Courtney Love saying a song of hers wasn't about Samantha. Anyway this is a fun one too, and it features some dude named Wale (sorry, i live in a cave and have no clue about this guy) and he does the sort of rap that i hate, that exaggerated breathing and spitting the words, slurring consonants and often dropping letters off all together.
She also goes a bit higher than normal here. Nice to hear a soprano actually using her range. Her voice is layered over itself, sometimes autotuned and sometimes not. So other than the rap, this is a fun one.

Love Song- Samantha got to work with her idol, Slash, (yes, THAT Slash.) for this one. This is the most different song on her album, being a simple solo with soft piano/guitar accompaniment, with a guitar solo at the end. This is a sad one.

Sometimes When You Win, You Lose-  The clublike start here really belies the seriousness of the lyrics. "We don't change, the fights, all the same, we're both to blame" The song as a whole i think is superbly structured.  The strong beat makes it seem like a dance number, and if you ignore the lyrics, it could be a dance beat. There is progression and she loves her vocal harmonies. I even hear what sounds like a small orchestra at times, but it's probably a synthesizer. But the spots where the song suddenly goes a bit minimalist gives a poetry to it, like she's telling a story. maybe it's her pain, and when she first started to find herself and to come back from the brink.
I also like how I can understand her here even though at times she does the weird breathy thing in the middle of a word.
"We hold on to our last chance, pretending we can make it last."
"I just wanted to find some peace with you. You needed the noise as proof and we started this war on the same side and now I feel like I'm a hostage in the room. But I'm just trying to find a way out alive. Breathe in, breathe out. I don't want to fight. There's no prize to choose. Sometimes when you win, you lose."
Working her emotions out. And the ending is soo smooth, seems like it's intended to connect directly to....

Promise- this song makes me SOB. I hope i never know the kind of pain that inspired this. Cuz damn this is a sad one. i think it's the most powerful one on her album. it does make me think of someone in love with an addict. I'm lucky that i've never known that pain, i've only seen it from a distance.  And frankly, when an addict just fucking doesn't care and doesn't want help and doesn't want to change... there is nothing to do but walk away, no matter how much that hurts. It's like the addict becomes a vampire.. everything that person once was is gone but the body is still walking around wanting drugs. A demon wearing your lover's face.
"i saw a picture today when you were someone i knew, someone i thought that I'd know forever."
"i thought i saw you today, heard your voice, but the face, the face melted into a stranger's"
As fast as i smiled did the tears fill my eyes, cuz i know i'll never know you again."

i don't think Promise was ever performed live. I'm not surprised... i cry just hearing it. Imagine actually knowing what inspired it and feeling it at that level?

Until It's Yesterday-  this is a gentle, sad, pretty song that also stands out because she has some kids singing the chorus with her. Reminds me of Toy Soldiers a little bit. it also sounds kinda simple at first. i didn't realize how many layers of sound she had until i started to break it down to adapt for my viola. I'm not good enough. I want to hug her when i hear this one. "i won't sleep, no, i won't dream until it's yesterday"
Promise is the most powerful one, but i actually think this is the prettiest. It's my fave.

Half Awake (Meltdown)- how can anyone be just half awake when this loud guitar-filled auditory concoction is playing? Ok ok.. I'm still focusing on hearing the lyrics, it seems to be her 1984 type song. "Follow a leader we can't see, left, right, left, right." Anyway it's a fast song. Good workout song ^_^

Don't Want You- umm.. wow this totally makes me think of sex. yea.. we're skipping this one. i have enough issues about sexual thoughts, especially concerning the Littlest Ronson ^_^

Captain Jack- I have no clue what the hell this one's about. it's interesting to me just for that reason. her voice is very computerized here. it's an interesting song. It's also kinda sad.
i'll call you Captain Jack
and leave you anonymous
as i found you out tonight, out to forget
the man you almost were."

Perhaps someone less naive than me would like to chime in?

Anyway... I gotta go sleep. Gonna actually show up at that failed class... and then i go right back to work. Fuck retail
And then maybe start playing with youtube videos. Dunno...
It would keep my fat hands out of the candy, I think....

Slept in my makeup last night....and it survived. Some came off on my oil blotting papers this time but eh, don't care. Pat a little more on and go cuz I overslept thru church and I work in 10 mins.
Later....
Ok it's later. Am at work now. I forgot blush so I look pale as death. This foundation does match my neck tho.... just when the red shows thru it looks weird. Damn it must find my creme.
Anyway the thanksgiving/black Friday salspaper is in my hands and a makeup kit from a brand I've never tried (profusion) is going 60% off in that sale. Thinking I'll put one aside for myself. Just one kit in all the kits. Even tho I looked at all the makeup I had last night and I got soooo much. It's a brand I've nevver tried! And it's a combo kit...has lip and eye and blush and even some nailpolish. And I'm sooooooo curious!. $6 for like 30 eyeshadows and 6 lipglosses and 4 blushes... and I'm curious!

Someone tell me to get going on my class? Please?
Tell me I don't need to be scared?
That guilt spiral Hyperbole talked about...where she's afraid of emailing someone back cuz then she'll just remind them about their email, so they see how long she took to respond and then they get disappointed in her.....
Yea that's where I am.
In addition to fear of graduation.
Wonder if my school still has free counseling for students?

Tell me no one will care if I reappear in class?

2pm and I want candy. Chocolate. Badly. The chocolate up in the do-not-touch cupboard is calling me. "Eaaaattt uuussss!"
Grrrrr.
Still failing..... cal counts still to high. All I can really claim is that I'm trying. I dig into cereal instead of chocolate. Hard candies instead of soft ones, hard candies take longer to eat. I actually had a Go Greens drink yesterday...but I also added some honey and cinnamon to it. My sweet tooth is demanding constant attention. It's like sugar is a drug. And I'm just trying to go the lesser of the evil sugar roads here.
I go work at 4 and not much to do til then... don't binge again....
Avoiding the only class still...doing the guilt spiral thing Hyperbole described in her "this is why I'll never be an adult" post.
Ok...distraction. I've already eaten too much today...even had 4 iced sugar cookies. Ok what makeup experiment do I wear to work? Sunblock on..ran out of Day Solution so my current sunscreen is Banana Boat sport spf50. A thin layer of mk mattifier (use it up) then let's finally use up this one liquid foundation sample. Turns out i'd also put the liquid on too thick that one day. The little sample says "one application" but apparently it holds more than one. K dot a lil on the red nose and let dry...then try another all over face resulting in 2 layers on my jolly red nose. Think I'll skip the colored powder, gotta make doubly sure the problem was the powder. Markwins eyeliner..they actually are decent eyeliners, for cheap drugstore shit. Maarkwins makes wet & wild and I hate the name but their eyeliners are soft and 99 cents where I live. I don't like their lip stuff tho. They make decent eyeshadows too, but I don't like their foundations or mascaras. Or their cream blushes. So I guess they do powders and pencils well ^_^.
Also got a cheapass eyeshadow a relative got me...I think itss actually from the dollar store. It's....kinda crappy...decent pigment at first but fades fast and makes my eyes itch after a few hours. I usually put marykay's eye primer under it. Still fades but doesn't itch as fast. Old tinted lipbalm for both blush and lips... and the all-nighter spray...just for fun... and cuz I want to practice aiming with my eyes closed ^_^ it's hard.

-------------------------------
And i forgot to hit Post earlier... again. am now home at 4am on sunday morning... Work on sat night is soooo damn busy. I hope i get a saturday off sometime soon. I never get up for church sunday mornings when i get home late and need calm-down time. And then go "ooh shiny" on the internet.

I still fail... avoided binging before work... but even at work i was fail. The visiting manager got hungry and wanted pizza so he shared. Made us all happy.
Then I get home and Mom ordered pizza too.
So I've had about 5 slices of pizza all told... and 8 sugar cookies. And milk.

I fail.
So since I fail... let's be distracted by the cute pics at this story:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/usshowbiz/article-2063044/Samantha-Ronson-plays-happy-families-new-girlfriend-Erin-Foster.html

Ofc you know I gotta save these pics... so cuuuuute.....and probably post my faves here, but I'm too tired to do that right now.
wow... too tired to go awwww over such cuteness. I need sleep.
I am annoyed at how daily mail just HAD to talk about lilo in there. Samantha is with Erin now, damn it! Stop bringing up the crazy ex who staged teddybear pics and broke Samantha's windows!
And i should go to bed, or at least turn off the lights.
My phone died the other day.... and the very nice tech lady was on the phone w me for half an hour walking me thru how to get it working again.

Oh... makeup still fully in place... except for lips ofc. Once again the oil was squeezing through the liquid makeup but not taking the makeup off. And my forehead didn't turn funny colors so yea.. that fuckup was either just the powder, or a combo of the powder and too much liquid foundation. I was applying it like a creme. oops.
Still not sure this is my right foundation color though. It makes me look so pale... but it also matches my neck! Maybe it only seems off because my radishy skin peeks through. Liquid isn't as opaque as creme-to-powder.
I really need to find my creme-to-powder and test with that. Seriously.
Night ^_^

update & boring stuff

I was good and went to class yesterday. Trying to psych myself up to log in to the class website before the next class...tomorrow (technically today, is nov 17 now where I am)

Today (meaning nov 16) I took R's girl out driving again. And once again the Check Engine light turned on and stayed on after about 30 mins. So we stopped & turned car off for a few minutes, then since I wondered if shifting back and forth (practicing manuverability) was doing it...
So I actually took her out on the roads a bit. Yup she drove the road. There was some major roads between the parking lot and the neighborhood, the idea was she did not go into reverse at all.
And Check Engine light can on again after about 20mins.
Pull over, popped hood, checked oil, all good.
.I take over driving.
Go to mall, few turns in parking lot, stops and starts and tight turns getting around in there...
No Check Engine light.
I drive her to her place...all good. I drive myself home and still all good.
I am at a loss.
What the hell is going on?
Does my car just not like her?
There was one thing...... sometimes when she hit the brake the gearshift shuddered and clicked into place...so maybe she wasn't always fully in gear?

Also did another makeup practice. I got a lot of marykay samples I want to use up, and also full size products.
I think my oil mattifiers got old or something. I used the usual mk matttifier, the same liquid foundation from last time, and an mk pressed powder sample (instead of Closer) and the all-nighter setting spray.
Well something went wrong cuz within 2 hours my face, esp forehead and nose, looked like someone had swiped multicolored wet sand across my face. Wtf?
I rubbed the worst of it off on a napkin in my car, and later made a beeline to sephora for a sample of urban decay's oil control primer. (Also found Mom's Christmas present...at dillards. Seems only they carry 5th Avenue. Oh well....it's been years since I got Mom anything and it's definitely the only present she's getting from me.) Since I like their all-nighter spray...
Hmmm... I just now buffed a too-dark powder on to check my application methods. Looks smooth. Looks like a sunburn on me ^_^
But it was buffed onto mostly-bare skin. Hmm...wow the oil is peeking thru already..
Well I'll keep playing. It helps keep my hands out of food. Binging still bad but getting better. My cal count today was actually on the high end of "normal human adult" range. Rather than superbinge range. Still not where I want to be but getting there.
And when you sign up to sell marykay you get a "starter kit" full of full-size liquid foundations in several shades. So just like you'd use a tinted self-tanner I can check my technique by using a darker color. I have enough of them. Paint on..wash off.. paint on...wash off...
Can't stuff face while painting face ^_^

Eta: recreated the problem.. the colored powder reacted to the oil & darkened. Well duh. Right?

i fail.. so gaze at these instead

I fail... Piggy McBingey out full force and i have no idea why nor do i seem able to stop. I fail. I have reached a new high, did i mention i fail?

I'm slacking off on my class too, sabotaging myself yet again..

I am afraid of graduating. It's like... if I get the damn degree.. well then what? It's like great things are expected of a college degree holder... and I'm scared of that... that I'll fail yet again at getting a "real job" with said degree.
And what will I aim for if I graduate?
How will I define myself if "college student" no longer applies?

And what of the socializing I do there? My social circle is small, and is either work or school peeps.
And once someone leaves school I seriously do not see them again! The bi girl I'm crushing on is the one exception thus far.
It's depressing.
I'm isolated enough as it is!

How will i define myself?

So I'm lost, and scared, and I'm sabotaging myself yet again because I don't want to "grow up"

Unfortunatly.. I still age. Getting older and growing up aren't the same.

So since i fail...
dietwise... here's a link to some awesome tips by Ana Regzig
She rocks.

And since I'm also broke.. I asked Depth Perfection about the ads on her blog. I do sometimes think about putting a few ads up, see if it helps pay the electricity, and she said that thus far Google hasn't come after her for her blog's content.  But my humble blog, which is nearing 300 posts, only has about 8000 total views and has existed for what.. a year? 8000 views for 300 posts and a year old? Sounds like ads would be silly at this point. Maybe later? Either way i'll keep Hyberbole's rules in mind.. especially about no popups ever.
( http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/someone-should-probably-kill-this-post.html)

and since i want to see something pretty when I'm feeling sad and fail and broke and scared and fat and ugly...

Here's the first Ronster pic I ever found, tho technically they have never confirmed that they're dating.. I can tell cuz i'm nosy *glares at self*...anyway.... Erin is in the middle, I'm sure we all recognize Samantha by now ^_^.. and I'm not sure who the girl on the left is... but she looks familiar.
I should probably know who she is.. ooops.

this next one is cute....

Well at least Samantha is keeping her hands in mostly-G-rated areas here ^_^
I'm betting this pic was mostly taken cuz that's Nicole Richie in the yellow thing kneeling in the middle of the pic.. it's almost like Sam was not even noticed... except by nosy peeps like me... *glares at self again for being nosy*

Here's one from a DJ gig.. in Vegas I think..anyway the casino/whatever she DJ'ed decided to give her a cake.
Fun little sidenote, around the same time Erin made a snarky tweet about feeling left out because of her lack of implants.
Heee..well I think it's obvious Samantha prefers them natural.

This was their first time publicly holding hands, when they knew there were cameras. Unless I missed one?
Anyway this is at the launch party for Charlotte's makeup line at Sephora. Erin's birthday was either on the same day or very close to it.. sooo there was this ^_^
Samantha and Erin actually weren't seated next to each other, as Samantha was at the head table. But she moved for Erin blowing out her candle.
She also led the room in singing Happy Birthday awww ^_^
Also.. Nicole Richie is old-time friends with the Ronson twins. Charlotte even named an eyeshadow palette after Nicole. 

  

And one more.. of Sam trying to get the hell outta the pap frenzy.. I think they were just picking up coffees in this set. They were in Malibu over July 4th weekend at Erin's father's place.
Erin loooves her Starbucks.
Samantha doesn't like coffee. She's a tea drinker, seems to prefer iced tea, at least that's what her drinks tend to look like.
I love the little sneakers on her rearview mirror.


Ok..... I still fail. I still suck and I have a class tomorrow that I am NOT prepared for, and i skipped all last week.
Did I mention i fail?

But these girls are pretty....

Gonna edit before bed (or do new post) but initial impressions are....
Charlotte Ronson A Perfect Mess hair styling spray: I'm like 70% in love with this.... it does give my hair a glorious messy beach windblown effect with volume and yet also adds shine. I have never found a spray before that actually made my babyfine hair look thicker. I really want to love this...
But...
The SMELL is just... it's like Coppertone meet violents & aspercreme!!
Well I'll see how it smells & looks a good 6 or 7 hours from now. See if the volume stays.. if the smell fades. Cuz ugh that smell....

Also taking the Urban Decay setting spray out for a spin. I brushed on a marykay foundation sample I had lying around so the UD spray had something to set ^_^
Did not put usual oil mattifier on as the marykay foundation is made for oily skin and supposedly shouldn't need one. We'll see.... we'll also see if the UD spray helps oil. But I won't blame the spray if my forehead goes greasebucket. I'm sure there's a reason Urban Decay has oily skin sprays separate. Might get annoyed at the foundation tho. It says matte-wear foundation.

UD spray doesn't have much a smell to it. The spray gives a fine mist most of the time but it can spray a limp drippy stream on occasion so spray once or twice into the sink to make sure the sprayer is likely to behave. Also..I did not put mascara on and my "eyeshadow" is Charlotte's summer kiss liquid bronzer from my sample. Blush is an old revlon, and possibly a bit too pink.
Also... the spray gives a slight dewey sheen once it dries. Some like this, I prefer matte, so I followed the spray with a very light brushing of Charlotte's Closer powder. The marykay foundation might be a bit too light but other than that I'm happy with how I look right now.
We'll see how it all holds up!

I am 100% happy with Ronson's Samantha gloss tho. I can actually taste the mint and it is moisturizing and thus far my hair has yet to stick to my lips (big yay) and the Samantha color is practically perfect (oh hai Mary Poppins) on me. Pinky and sheer and very natural, like a neutral almost. Like my real lips punched up a bit.
Omw to daddie dearest's for stepmom's surprise bday party. I may hold a quiet grudge against daddie dearest but the half-sibs are innocent and besides.... that half of the family could be a useful connection for me.... I just have to play nice. *gag* I can do this.

And yea...I know the wrist is different from the lips but on me the wrist is a good indicator of how something will last on my mouth. And inside my upper arm is good for reaction tests. If it itches there it will definitely turn my face red. I promise there's a method to my madness ^_^

...............................
Ok now 10:30 at night... only 5 hours after application....
Hair spray...the smell did eventually fade. Finally! The visual lift stayed put. But my hair did get brushed out so the beachy curl was gone but the lift and texture "grip" stayed. Hair looked airy, if that makes sense. It was also really windblown by the crazy weather here. Pretty shine.
Still on fence about buying it.... but it does let me wear my hair down, which is nice. Somehow I have very few tangles too. Hair is a bit frizzy but it looks deliberatly frizzy.. if that makes sense.
Still not fond of the smell.

UD setting spray.... all makeup except for gloss is still there. But oil is definetly pushing through. That's not the spray's fault. I'm kinda impressed the makeup hasn't slid down the oil already. Nice job, Urban Decay.
I can scratch a bit of foundation off in the really oily parts. And no makeup on my nosepieces either. Usually I get foundation all over my glasses in the nosepads. This time there is some oil but no foundation. There are some bare skin spots where I kept scratching my nose.
I'm thinking this foundation is not for me. The blush did fade a bit but still there.
Oh well I own the spray anyway....will be trying it w my creme-to-powder later. And maybe I should not put powder over it? And def put mattifier under it?
Eehhh.... I am happy with the spray. It did make the liquid foundation last longer...usually liquid is melting & sliding off or pilling on just 2 or 3 hours... it's why I use creme foundation or just don't bother. Oh...and I didn't shake it well beforehand oooops I missed that part. So I will definitely continue my experiments cuz I didn't even give the spray a chance to show off!

Maybelline lipstain......doesn't stain much.
A lady returned maybelline lipstain in plum flushed cuz she didn't like it.
So since it was gonna get tossed anyway, I put a small swipt on my wrist by thumb.
It vanished under a bit of water. I just rinsedthe spot to test it.
Second tril I drew a small bunch of grapes on side of my wrist, going over the spot a few times, layering the stain. 10 mins later I just rubbed the spot. About half of it vanished just from rubbing. Put under running water & gently rubbed with paper towl... and it's gone now. I can kinda see the ghost of a spot.
So I'm thinking this stain would not last thru kissing or eating and certainly not thru wiping a napkin avfter eating.
So why does this matter?
Cuz I really thought the point of a lipstain was that it STAINED the lips and had to be taken off w makeup remover at the end of the day.
My cover girl outlast is harder to take off than this "lipstain" so yea.
Just a product review from a makeup junkie. Also...I'm still at work so I should probly go now.
My 1st sephora order is on track to arrive late tomorrow. So excited! And the 2nd will be here by fri I think. Yay!
Ofc gotta wonder how I'm supposed to do the mary kay thing if I use sephora makeup. Heh bad salesgirl :p
But marykay doesn't have all the colors I like...they're good products. Just...want my colors...
Still sticking w/ marykay skincare tho... now I'm back on it in just 3 days had vast improvement..porcelain skin and from 6 pimples to 3, and one of them is a clusterpimple w twin yellow heads. Cuz I went a week without fully washing my face right. My bad. The other 2 are already fading. This stuff works, I'm just lazy.
Should probably get back to work now :p ^_^

Gah! More shopping! Someone slap me!
Clearly I cannot be trusted on the damn computer. I shop instead of catching up on schoolwork fuck fuck.
Got another sephora bunch coming. This time I got Charlotte's bronzer, which I do like..and a lovely lilac perfume that I tried in-store and liked. A silver headband (whyyyy did I need that?)
And the reason for placing the order?
A sephora brand all-in-one makeup palette that had gone half-off.
For $7 I'm getting 8 teeny eyeshadows, 8 teeny lipglosses and a blush and a bronzer. Nevermind that I don't need them. I wanted to try sephora's brand of makeup and this thing looked so cuuuute. Who cares it the shadows etc are so tiny that my shirt buttons are bigger?
Sigh.
I have a weakness for cute tiny things.
I was even looking at a ltd ed clinique thing with 6 teeny weeny lip colors and a wristlet and keychain. 2 teeny lipsticks that probably don't even twist up..and 2 styles of teeny glosses...bad bad me... but I did refrain from buying it...for now anyway.
Now I go to bed before I get in anymore trouble.
And to hide the damn reeses chips ahoy mom bought tonight. They're unopened and taunting me. Maybe fighting that temptation is what blew my shopaholic problem.
And ofc I got freebies... various fragrances again. I do like to play with fragrance. Smells affect my mood so yea..... it's like a drug ^_^
Dammit! Bed before I make a thinkgeek order! I keep thinking how I should get that loud alarm that shakes the bed since I keep sleeping thru my current alarms.
Sigh.

shopping post- makeup musings

Confession time.. last night I made the sephora order.. even tho i'd also dropped $7 for half-off halloween candy at work.
I ordered the Closer powder, a sifter jar, the Samantha lipgloss, and the Urban Decay All-Nighter setting spray. For my freebies i requested 3 teeny perfume samples (versace pour homme edt, kate walsh boyfriend, lolita lempicka si lolita) and a "deluxe sample" of YSL cleansing water .. this thing:  http://sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P295204

I don't even know what a "deluxe sample" is but once it arrives you KNOW i'm gonna do a shopaholic post.

and while bopping around, i jumped over to beauty.com only to find that it was being more honest now and using the drugstore.com address, because it is really part of drugstore.com.

Anyway.. anyone who thinks drugstores are cheaper.. guess again! I looked up a few gift sets on sephora.com and drugstore.com/beauty and guess what? The prices are identical. Seems the price is set by the manufacturer or something.  
I offer some proof:
Urban Decay's Book of Shadows IV eyeshadow set... $64 in both places
http://sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P295205

http://www.drugstore.com/urban-decay-book-of-shadows-iv/qxp376409?catid=25362

The Urban Decay setting spray i bought.... here's the one i ordered from Sephora (I got the 4oz version, once you see the prices vs ounces you'll see why)
http://sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P263504

http://www.drugstore.com/urban-decay-all-nighter-long-lasting-makeup-setting-spray/qxp266350?catid=172533

Stila Dream In Full Color holiday palette: $39 both places

http://sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P295202

http://www.drugstore.com/stila-holiday-dream-in-full-color-palette-366-value-dollars/qxp362322?catid=25362

Same price..... so why would you go to a drugstore to get a dept store product? you're not actually getting a price break.
And actually i'm starting to wonder why a dept store product is even showing up in drugstore places. Remember how some "salon-only" shampoo people get all fussy and their ads say "only in salons" even tho you see the bottles in drugstore and big-chain grocery store shelves? (looking at you, Paul Mitchell and all your fussiness)
What the hell is this "gray market" I'm hearing about?

But anyway.. my point is there is no price break, so just go to Sephora cuz they got better freebies and a better customer loyalty system. it's called Beauty Insider and you can get full-sizes for free every so often. You get 1 Beauty Point for every dollar you spend, (excluding tax, shipping and gift cards) and you just accumulate points. And once you get enough points you can redeem these Beauty Points whenever you want tho the choices you have can be limited. But they carry over from what i read. And the carry-over is what I want to point out.
you also get a present on your birthday, tho i think they choose the present for you.
their info: http://sephora.com/beautyinsider/index.jhtml

drugstore.com does have it's own system, and they call it drugstore dollars and you basically get a percentage of your order total put in your drugstore bank..(again excluding tax, shipping and gift cards and a few other things)  i think it's like 5% of the total right now.. and each quarter you get those drugstore dollars as a store credit on that month's order. You'll get an email telling you when your drugstore dollars become available to you. But you do have a certain time period to spend them in, and then they go away. They don't carry over.
Their info: http://www.drugstore.com/drugstore-com-dollars/qxc33476

I do not know if drugstore dollars from beauty.com can be combined with the ones from drugstore.com main site.. i think so but i've never tried.

The lack of carry-over is what pisses me off the most. i don't like being told when to shop. If there's nothing i need that month then I either get something I only kinda need or i forfeit the credit.

Ofc my Go Greens and Aria and a few other things I like seem to only exist on drugstore.com right now so not like I'll abandon that site permamently. I just think they're being pretentious by having that "luxurious beauty" sub-site.
But seriously.. if you're looking at something by Stila or Urban Decay or another big name then skip the fake shit and just go to sephora. It's the same price anyway, and a better selection, and Sephora has better freebies.

pics of SQUEEEEEEE THANK YOU THANK YOU MICH!!!

Happy Halloween!!! My fave twins were together and Charlotte was a cat, and I'm not sure what Samantha dressed as but she was in mostly white with bits of purple.. and their older brother Mark wore a skeleton suit. Very funny.
link to the pic Samantha posted: http://www.whosay.com/SamanthaRonson/photos/85903

Anyway i have pics of Mich's goodie bag!!
Maybe posting them will keep my mitts out of the leftover candy!

Also.. I'm looking at Sephora.com again -_-

Anyway.... so when Mom brought the mail in she saw this big envelope with my name on it... "what's this?" she asked.
I knew it had to be Mich's bundle. So I said "ooo her present to me arrived!"
"who is sending you presents?"

I tried to explain the awesomeness of Underwood being published and how the author sent a first-come-first-served gift to those who bought her book, (I am careful to only talk about the Amazon link and reviews and Mich's pen name, it's easy to avoid talking about her blog to non-ana peeps) but one of our animals got Mom distracted. But I did tell the title and a review to that cutie i saw last week. I am trying to spread the Awesome! Spread the Awesome at Amazon! i left a review.. did you? ^_^

Anyway I get my hands on the package and i honestly thought "is this a shirt? Feels kinda like a tightly rolled shirt..."
Heeeee was i wrong!

So i opened it.. and was like... "is this fairy dust?"
Because i knew the Mich's Hoard goodie bag and the Goblin Market goodie bag were coming together and i wondered if something from the Goblin bag had been knocked open in transit.

Well... i was about 1/4 right.. something did crack, but it wasn't fairy dust, it wasn't Goblin-related, and it didn't open up in transit.

It was actually just leaking out a bit through the hinge. So long as i keep it upside down it'll be fine. Or I could get an empty sifter jar from Sephora (there I go justifying my shopaholism)
Heehee I've had soooooo many cracked shimmer powders. It just looked like a lot because this shimmer powder is HUGE.

And the bigger they are..... umm.. that doesn't quite sound right but anyway...

So there's my mystery dust.

Moving on.... to the epic.....

OMG OMG OMG SQUEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

A FULL SET of kickass, super-soft brushes. The full necessities here.. powder and blush and concealer and lip and liquid foundation and bronzer and eyeshadow and eyeliner and blender... and a FAN BRUSH!!!

I HAVE A FAN BRUSH I HAVE A FAN BRUSH!!!!

I was seriously thinking about dropping lotsa $$ at Sephora just on a single fan brush because i can't find any at the drugstore haunts.
That's the fan brush at the right side. it is a feather-light touch, LOVE IT!

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!! THANK YOU, MICH, I LOVE IT I LOVE IT!!

I used my new brushes to apply my sample of Charlotte's Closer finishing powder.. I'll get to that.

And that one huge shimmer powder was the only powder that cracked.. just FYI.. everything else, the smaller shimmer powder, the eyeshadows (so soft!) and the cream concealer that I'll probably use as a cream eyeshadow cuz that's what it looks like on me, and that adorable little vitamin E oil... totally undamaged.
Burt's Bees is the bee's knees.
Ok bad joke.. bad rhyme... but it wouldn't get out of my head.

The Goblin goodie bag came in a too-cute little green paper mini-lunchbox thing. Simply adorable. You can barely see the corner of the Goblin box beside my new brushes above.
My fairy light is pink. I checked my Soul Bottle immediately because mine must be empty. it opened easy and now it's closed and empty. The Locust Man is an asshole! So I had this thing where I had to open it... I'm weird.There's two different Goblin Market currencies (remember how the goblins paid in so many different ways?)

And my personal fave.. those teeny stars. One gold and one blue, just like Thomas and Jayne's.

Here's a super-close-up of the stars and the Soul Bottle, which has got to be the sweetest little bottle i have ever seen.


I adore small things. So cuuute. I still have my old Polly Pocket playsets.. back when she really was pocket-sized!

And I'm loving the detail that went into these. They seriously are little folded ribbons or something.

Oh almost forgot.. the Ronson Closer powder.. yes I'm thinking about getting it. It's not a highlighter.. what it does is do something to how the light hits your face so it always looks as flattering as possible.

For example.. I've got these little creases between my eyebrows, from frowning, and depending on the light those creases can range from barely visible to zomg-get-Botox.
Well the Closer does something with diffusing the light so those creases are always barely visible no matter how the light source is hitting my face.
And that's what it's supposed to do. So yea, I'm strongly tempted. i don't much like the dispenser brush it comes in but i know how to open it and dump it in a sifter jar or something.
And most importantly... Closer does not make my face itch!

Ofc I'm totally ignoring how I'm broke. So between blogging and reading gossip sites i have avoided buying anything thus far.
And now uncle is smoking downstairs again and it's coming up through the floorboards and making my eyes burn.
Nearling midnight.. I have class and work tomorrow. Maybe i'll place an order then... IF I am good and don't shop drugstore crap.
Or I might break down and do it tonight.. I can use my JCP card at sephora.com and i need to check the JCP card anyway... make sure they know i got my new one and check the due date since i put that Ronson sweater on the JCP account.

I'm so bad. But on the very bright side.. I have all the makeup brushes i will ever need ^_^  ^_^  ^_^
Deleting the fan brush from the shopping list now. *small squeeeee*

Ana Regzig posted again!!

I'm stuck at work so this is it til late.
Rock on!

Quick note:
In my opinion Jack Link's beef jerky is far superior to Steakhouse beef jerky.
If I'm stuck with Steakhouse tho... the teriyaki beef jerky tastes better than the original.
Not likely to buy this again.

just a quickie cuz i really need to try to get some sleep.. as i can't miss class again and i also work tomorrow after class.
I got my Mich goodie bag SQUEEEEEEE and am soooo loving it. And I hope to take pics of the coolness.
Did meet up with that old friend the other day, and while nothing sexual happened for various reasons, she did end up doing a few facepalms at just how naive I am, especially about lesbian culture. I may be "gold star" in the no sex with men sense but seems i live in a cave. i do not have an account on afterellen. Do I need one? eh.. I guess I'll get one soon. I know who the big names are.. Ellen and Portia, God bless them both. I know about Jodie Foster and she clearly wants to live her life privately so I let her. I don't stalk her.
Ofc we all should know about my Ronson stalking. If you didn't know about my Ronson obsession then you must have been reading my blog with your brain turned off ^_^

It's true I don't try to find every detail of a woman's life. I have pics of women i find hot and that is it. I would want privacy if i were in their situation. I'm guilty of collecting pics and i feel bad enough over that!
And i don't really do fanfiction much. I mean I have a Buffy outline that i dashed off years ago but most of my "fanfiction" actually tends to spring from video games, not movies or shows.

For example.. sometime back in my teens, when Ocarina of Time was first releasted, i did start a fanfiction. And I do still have it. I even still work on it occasionally. Ofc now i realize I'll never publish it, too many licensing things, but it's like one of my security blankets or something. And it's special to me as it's the first story I ever really tried to do. I also have an old notebook somewhere that contains the beginnings of a Sonic fanfic.

Anyway back to the friendship "date".. she introduced me to this move D*E*B*S and i'll admit I found it funny as hell. Gotta own it. it's campy and sweet and the coolest thing ever is how the lesbian relationship isn't a problem because they're both girls.. the problem is the girls are on the opposite sides of the law! Orientation isn't even an issue.. and it has a happy ending!! It is sooo fucking RARE for a lesbian-centered film to be happy and fun and have a happy ending.

So there's something for the amazon wishlist ^_^

I'm still hoping to bed this girl... she's even hotter now. still tightly muscled, but some of her experiences have definitely scarred her a bit, I'm far more naive than her now.. which is interesting... but yea i still want her.

bed now.

Guess what started halfway thru work, and without warning?

FUCKING WOMANLIES!!!

i was not prepared! So i got to carefully walk around with toilet paper in my pants for six fucking hours *growls at uterus*

What happened? Did I miss the signs? What the binge monster my body's way of warning me? "hey dumbass! I'm gonna start bleeding here soon!"

Cuz I can go Piggy McBingey without the help, thanks!

Ugh.. I had no idea. Ugh and blah and BLECH!!!

And the chocolate is still in the car. Oh well. I'll eat it some other day. I'll be bleeding for a few days.
Damn it.. and there's still a chance of seeing that little hottie on tues.. oh well I already know i didn't have a chance of seducing her already anyway... but ugh I want to at least be good company!
Right.. pain pills and Buzz Bites (aka caffeine) to the rescue.
And I gotta work a full 8hr tomorrow.
Sigh.
more pain pills, more Buzz Bites.
I should probably make a Thinkgeek order. yay t shirts!!

At least I'll be dropping the bloatage pounds. yay for that.. maybe it'll jump-start my old joy at seeing the numbers fall.

And I am STILL thinking about that Ronson sweaterdress. I'm more attached to the dress than I am the pants! Tho that culd be because I know I'm not supposed to be a 14 and I don't want to buy clothes that will only fit the fatter me.
And the denim is kinda thinner than the boy jeans I usually wear.
yes i wear boy jeans, I'm a gayelle so i get to ignore gender clothing rules :p

Guy clothes rock. They cover everything, the siing is consistent across the brands.. and i swear guy clothes are more durable. Just compare sock sometime... guy socks vs girl socks.. guy socks are thicker!!
Same with jeans. And dress pants. And shoes. When I bought my lovely Ronson sweater I also checked out the warm winter hats, A guy one was thick and warm for $10 and a girl $10 one was a very loose and dressy weave in a thinner yarn. Seriously?
Ronson makes good sweaters tho. I'm in love with mine and that sweaterdress was seriously warm.
And it also fit my lumps at a Medium. So I could order the dress now even tho it doesn't fit yet.. and I'm still confident that it's the right size because of how it fit across the shoulders.
FUCK I'm talking myself into it! I don't even wear dresses that often! Whyyyyy do I WANT that dress so bad? And why am I thinking of one of each? Or possibly 2 gray and one brown? WTF Honor? Or just the gray? I keep seeing the gray dress with the soft pink shirt underneath, and black leggings with boots. How would a color combo like that look with red hair tho? Don't red and pink clash with each other?
Or does it not count when it's hair?
i also have other turtlenecks i could put under the dress. And a green longsleeved boatneck shirt i could put under the brown dress.
And this is my problem... I keep thinking up ways to wear those sweaterdresses.
The brown dress with green longsleeves under it and black leggings with boots.. that would look ok with red hair, right?
Altho the gray could probably also carry off the green sleeves....
Greensleeves is all my joyyy...
ahem.
Clearly I want the sweaterdress, preferably more than one. But which ones.. and why??
I don't wear dresses!
Tho these dresses do look better with leggings.. they're sweaters so are winter clothes and winter dresses with bare legs looks like you forgot what season it is.
And i hate pantyhose. Don't even ask. I hate them hate them hate them. they are pointless. They're too thin to keep you warm and they snag at the slightest thing and they're just plain uncomfortable. What the flying fuck.
Not a huge fan of tights either, tho they're a bit warmer. But I hate having tightness around my toes. My slippers are labeled saying they fit up to a size 12 cuz i wanted big slippers. I keep buying my shoes a bit too big, which leads to arch and heel problems. But I hate hate HATE having my toes scrunched!!
I'd never be a ballerina. I am interested in tap dancing though. I admit that ballet is extremely pretty but I'm not willing to do the toeshoes. I'd be happy playing the guy parts tho. Ballerinas are tiny.. I bet i could lift the smaller ones.

oh btw.. according to her booking sheet, Samantha is 5'7 and 102 lbs O_O
DAMN GIRL! Please don't die!!!!
I mean on one hand I am a bit jealous... plus I could totally aim to carry her at that weight... but DAMN that's tiny. Rheumatoid arthritis really fucking SUCKS!!!

I'm told the booking sheet just copies off the driver's license.. and I think she got her Cali license shortly after the lilo bullshit. So maybe she's gained a little? Gossip is that Erin is a good cook. Maybe? But the arthritis.. the less she weighs the less pain and less stress on her joints. That poor girl...
i need to think about something else...

Got Madonna's "Sorry" playing. I love this song. I actually tend to interpret it in terms of that "church" that voted to never accept a gay pastor or perform same-sex unions.
They're not half the church they think they are...
and how they lie about them being welcoming? I've heard it all before...and don't you love it when some homophobe starts his anti-gay spiel with "i'm sorry, but..."
Yea, whatev. I've seen it all before, and I can't take it anymore.

And it's such a bouncy song too! TRY to not at least bounce in your chair! This is a dancing song. This is a workout song. and a get-emotionally-better song when some jackass, or a group of them, have been shitting on you.

Ok I need either sleep or sugar.. and sleep is the far smarter option.