Well I just completely f*cking dissappeared. And it's only gonna get worse cuz I'm working like a beast this whole week. Damn job (retail for those who don't know) is doing the xmas conversions. The entire store is being redone to be stuffed with xmas gift sets and lights etc and all the "repacks" (read: leftovers from last xmas and who knows how many years beofre) are coming out of the stockroom rafters and as much normal stuff is being shoved up to get xmas on the floor. Retail has no understanding of actual Christmas. Us poor workers get scheduled as if Christmas Eve is just another day. I bet the corporate execs get the days off. Fuckers.
So I call it xmas when I'm referring to work.
Anyway.. had a blast at halloween party fri night. None of my dresses fit so I just used a white blouse with a black skirt and a big cross with the Bad Fairy wig. Kinda doing an anime-schoolgirl thing but peeps thought I looked like Abby from a tv show. R showed me some pics of the character so I take the comparison as a compliment.
Maybe I should get cable someday XD ever since tv went digital I don't get many channels. My receptions sucks worse than ever.
I also ate like a pig at the party and didn't care. It was a party. Mum made spaghetti tonight tho and pasta may taste good but it's just white bread in sauce as far as nutrition goes. And then I finished the candy I was given at the party.
And another bag of turkey jerky. I think I'm addicted. Is there a 12-step for this?
And I just realized my eyeshadow is still on from work. Crashed in my makeup again... that's bad. Bad Honor! Take better care of my skin!
So Nov 1st is nearly here and stillhungryforchange.blogspot.com does exist and my baby sis. Is probably gonna be going crazy because I am just that technologically inept. I am also a bit nervous because I haven't fasted in *years*.
The most recent "fasst" was so short I'm not sure if it counts. A number of church youth groups do something called the 30 Hour Famine. They meet up late afternoon for charity work, sleep overnight at the church without dinner. Go do more charity work without breakfast or lunch and have a late pizza party dinner. Maybe best to start small like that?
Anyway I neeeeed zzzz and to figure out how to get baby sis on the author list.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
Gulp gulp gulp. Why am I so thirsty? Ohwait...cuz that 3.5oz bag of turkey jerky was some 2100 mg of sodium! Duh! So there's a good 280cals and some change. And the jerky was *after* the 7 white chocolate truffles!
Why can't I be one of those peeps who can't eat when I'm stressed? Instead I eat more! Ugh...much as I hate being depressed, at least depression kills my eating rather than making me wanna binge!
At least those were my only caloric mistakes. Everything else was my protein mix, a luna mini at work and a single sausage patty with a slice of cheese. Yea I'm playing with the ketogenic idea again. At least I was until I fucked it up with the chocolate. I'm looking into atkins bars just for the sake of fucking variety. Mom shops for uncles taste. She doesn't even shop for her own tastes much anymore. It's what always infuriated me about her... how she will just quietly give control over to some dude. Most of the "food" is those microwaveable tv dinners. At least she gets me the littler 300cal ones. Michelina's and I do like them. They remind me of my fave school lunches back in elementary. Other food tends to come from church people who are really just cleaning out their own pantries. One lady raised such a hungry brood of sons that over the years she's forgotten how to cook for small groups, so we're always getting leftovers from her. And having grown up so poor and been on the charity of others for so long...we just accept.
The only reason I stick with my job is the small feeling of security that having my own little income brings. I hate my job!
Confession? The top reason I hide my age is because I'm ashamed of not having my driver's license. At my age. *shame* driving terrifies me. I no longer start shaking as soon as I get behind the wheel but left turns still scare me, especially with no stoplight. 4 way stops leave me nearly ready to throw up from fear and construction zones freak me out. Mom made a mistake many years ago by sending me to my (underfunded public) school's driving "class" and the "teacher" was such shit. Everytime I went driving he'd slam on his brake at the worst time.
My very first drive... a left turn, no stoplight, from a one-lane neighborhood street to my hometown's big 4 lan highway (plus turn lane) I still dunno what displeased him, just that he slammed his brake when I was out in this super busy highway and oh look there's a semi bearing down on my passenger side. and on a country intersection with no light and I was the first one there and the only one. Guess I didn't stop long enough. He slammed his break after I was in the intersection and *then* there was a big farmer truck coming down on passenger side. At least he was some distance away.
And every driving lesson was like that. I am trying to get better. Having a car with working brakes does help. And I tell myself if I drive maybe I could make a go of the mary kay thing. Then I remember how many peeps I see at work who are on food stamps. And mary kay is not cheap.. I do think they're worth the price but I've been using the stuff since I was 14. I know genetics means a lot but I still think mary kay can claim partial credit for my young looking face. Anyway
So I hide my age. I'll steal the idea from the hot hot T'Pol... age is an intimate thing I think she only told Tucker. And that was after they had sex...I think. I blank out there cuz I want T'Pol for myself *blush*
And I'm rambling yet again. Let's move on.
I am trying to bring back Hungry for Change! Started it at stillhungryforchange.blogspot.com and I am looking for advice and help!
Should I have the content warning thing up? Should comments require approval or do the captcha thing? (Also.. if I have captcha on my personal blog here lemme know so I can look up how to turn it off!)
And Halp Halp! I can't do this alone! Starving Artist has volunteered and she's totally on this list... as soon as I figure out how to put her there. But if this gets big it's gonna need more than 2 peeps. Plus I'm so techy fail that I'm not sure I count. So maybe need another. I also only found Adeline's one about less than a month before it was deleted. I don't remember how she handled entries. Did you enter in the comments? Does blogger have mail?
I fail at internets.
And I fail at costume design.
And now I'm gonna go try and fail at sleeping.
Why can't I be one of those peeps who can't eat when I'm stressed? Instead I eat more! Ugh...much as I hate being depressed, at least depression kills my eating rather than making me wanna binge!
At least those were my only caloric mistakes. Everything else was my protein mix, a luna mini at work and a single sausage patty with a slice of cheese. Yea I'm playing with the ketogenic idea again. At least I was until I fucked it up with the chocolate. I'm looking into atkins bars just for the sake of fucking variety. Mom shops for uncles taste. She doesn't even shop for her own tastes much anymore. It's what always infuriated me about her... how she will just quietly give control over to some dude. Most of the "food" is those microwaveable tv dinners. At least she gets me the littler 300cal ones. Michelina's and I do like them. They remind me of my fave school lunches back in elementary. Other food tends to come from church people who are really just cleaning out their own pantries. One lady raised such a hungry brood of sons that over the years she's forgotten how to cook for small groups, so we're always getting leftovers from her. And having grown up so poor and been on the charity of others for so long...we just accept.
The only reason I stick with my job is the small feeling of security that having my own little income brings. I hate my job!
Confession? The top reason I hide my age is because I'm ashamed of not having my driver's license. At my age. *shame* driving terrifies me. I no longer start shaking as soon as I get behind the wheel but left turns still scare me, especially with no stoplight. 4 way stops leave me nearly ready to throw up from fear and construction zones freak me out. Mom made a mistake many years ago by sending me to my (underfunded public) school's driving "class" and the "teacher" was such shit. Everytime I went driving he'd slam on his brake at the worst time.
My very first drive... a left turn, no stoplight, from a one-lane neighborhood street to my hometown's big 4 lan highway (plus turn lane) I still dunno what displeased him, just that he slammed his brake when I was out in this super busy highway and oh look there's a semi bearing down on my passenger side. and on a country intersection with no light and I was the first one there and the only one. Guess I didn't stop long enough. He slammed his break after I was in the intersection and *then* there was a big farmer truck coming down on passenger side. At least he was some distance away.
And every driving lesson was like that. I am trying to get better. Having a car with working brakes does help. And I tell myself if I drive maybe I could make a go of the mary kay thing. Then I remember how many peeps I see at work who are on food stamps. And mary kay is not cheap.. I do think they're worth the price but I've been using the stuff since I was 14. I know genetics means a lot but I still think mary kay can claim partial credit for my young looking face. Anyway
So I hide my age. I'll steal the idea from the hot hot T'Pol... age is an intimate thing I think she only told Tucker. And that was after they had sex...I think. I blank out there cuz I want T'Pol for myself *blush*
And I'm rambling yet again. Let's move on.
I am trying to bring back Hungry for Change! Started it at stillhungryforchange.blogspot.com and I am looking for advice and help!
Should I have the content warning thing up? Should comments require approval or do the captcha thing? (Also.. if I have captcha on my personal blog here lemme know so I can look up how to turn it off!)
And Halp Halp! I can't do this alone! Starving Artist has volunteered and she's totally on this list... as soon as I figure out how to put her there. But if this gets big it's gonna need more than 2 peeps. Plus I'm so techy fail that I'm not sure I count. So maybe need another. I also only found Adeline's one about less than a month before it was deleted. I don't remember how she handled entries. Did you enter in the comments? Does blogger have mail?
I fail at internets.
And I fail at costume design.
And now I'm gonna go try and fail at sleeping.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Intake was pretty good today... my protein drink and then a single sausage patty with cheese for my one meal.
Then I got suckered in to 3 lil cookies and half an oreo brownie. The cookies wouldn't have been so bad but that huge brownie was like 47 carbs. Sigh.
Now I'm sitting on my ancient personal computer that can't handle the internet... and I'm playing the very first Sims game.
And a sims fire broke out and someone died and that's when the game froze. I guess my sims can't have fire alarms? What made the freeze? Can't even cntrl alt delete out of this. Wtf? What's funny is the in-game songs on the sim stereo are still happily moving along. I also hear the winds from Grim Reaper and the damn fire alarm. And ofc the fire.
Maybe I just have too many Sims visiting. Too much for the processer. Lemme give you a hint how old this comp is.... 18 gig hard drive. TOTAL.
And my poor comp is trying so hard to shut down. I finally just pressed the on/off switch.
Wow... it finally shut down sims and I've got 46 separate task managers up and running? Wtf my poor old puter! And puteer finally was able to shut down. Poor thing. It has no internet... no downloads... I have fan-made sims items but I've had them for years. Ok... letting it take its time booting up. I like playing the original sims... it's an electronic doll house, with dolls that can move by themselves. I tried Sims2 on the big family computer a few years ago and I did have fun. The aging got me down tho. Dolls don't grow old and die. And my bro has Sims3 and wow it looks complicated. So I stick with the original.
Besides... the original is all this ancient comp can take... and even then I get problems.
And...back. hoping for no more freezes. And I did remove the fire alarm. I have all the sims1 expansions sooo I can just magic a fire away.
Am really wishing my intake had been lower. Too many carbs. Totally undid the work today.
Costume hunting continues. Haven't found the cute lil black dress I was looking for (not sure if it still fits anyway) but I did find a cute little see thru purple spiderweb cape with maatching gloves. Just dunno what dress to wear it with.
If all else fails I also found the faceless phantom robe I keep as backup for when nothing else fits. It's missing its gloves tho. Sigh.
Then I got suckered in to 3 lil cookies and half an oreo brownie. The cookies wouldn't have been so bad but that huge brownie was like 47 carbs. Sigh.
Now I'm sitting on my ancient personal computer that can't handle the internet... and I'm playing the very first Sims game.
And a sims fire broke out and someone died and that's when the game froze. I guess my sims can't have fire alarms? What made the freeze? Can't even cntrl alt delete out of this. Wtf? What's funny is the in-game songs on the sim stereo are still happily moving along. I also hear the winds from Grim Reaper and the damn fire alarm. And ofc the fire.
Maybe I just have too many Sims visiting. Too much for the processer. Lemme give you a hint how old this comp is.... 18 gig hard drive. TOTAL.
And my poor comp is trying so hard to shut down. I finally just pressed the on/off switch.
Wow... it finally shut down sims and I've got 46 separate task managers up and running? Wtf my poor old puter! And puteer finally was able to shut down. Poor thing. It has no internet... no downloads... I have fan-made sims items but I've had them for years. Ok... letting it take its time booting up. I like playing the original sims... it's an electronic doll house, with dolls that can move by themselves. I tried Sims2 on the big family computer a few years ago and I did have fun. The aging got me down tho. Dolls don't grow old and die. And my bro has Sims3 and wow it looks complicated. So I stick with the original.
Besides... the original is all this ancient comp can take... and even then I get problems.
And...back. hoping for no more freezes. And I did remove the fire alarm. I have all the sims1 expansions sooo I can just magic a fire away.
Am really wishing my intake had been lower. Too many carbs. Totally undid the work today.
Costume hunting continues. Haven't found the cute lil black dress I was looking for (not sure if it still fits anyway) but I did find a cute little see thru purple spiderweb cape with maatching gloves. Just dunno what dress to wear it with.
If all else fails I also found the faceless phantom robe I keep as backup for when nothing else fits. It's missing its gloves tho. Sigh.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Uuunnnnggghhh. Fuuuuuckkkkkk meeeeeeee I did it againnnnnnnn
Got home from work and turns out tonight was the spaghetti dinner at that "church". Ofc I didn't go since I worked.. but mom had a couple of tickets and she ussed one to get me a takeaway box. I swear the portion didn't look that big when it was in the box! But uuuggghh I guess my stomach shrunk and my brain hasn't figured that out? There was also a bread roll and cookie! Chocolate chunk (very good)
Ugh... it's a good thing that was my only meal today. Until then i'd just been drinking my protein powder/go greens mix (roughly 65cal for 20oz)
Ugh and ugh. And I'll bet that big dinner will last well into tomorrow too.
Which means I won't be trying the beef nuggets I got tonight, since work still has no turkey jerky.
And I haven't taken any of my vitamins in like a week. Bad me.
Ugh... I should post pics of my fat belly... it'd be very motivating. Good reverse thinspo.
Maybe I should be glad I can't upload from my phone. It saves me from embarrassment. Besides it'd be far more fun to tease kristal than to make her sick.
Then i'd post a pic of my tiny arm with a quarter on my wrist. As a reminder that I'm killing myself with being overweight.
Meanwhile... here's the link to the twitpic from awhile back, for anyone who missed it http://twitpic.com/byjww
And here's a link I just looked up.of course I have this pic on my computer but can't upload it from there.
http://twitpic.com/1ubbu1
She's pointing out her sunburn.. but my eyes go to her wee waist and how I think I see her spine and is it me or are her undies nearly falling off her hips? Anyway she's tiny and those fans who met her (I'm so jealous) call her things like Pixie DJ and Little One. It's kinda funny how she tries to act all big and bad and she's really this itty bitty thing. And judging by how she keeps taking lindsay back, she's also a total pushover. I would never have put up with all that shit. Being publicly accused of doing drugs, publicly accused of cheating (several times) aving the papparazzi put on sam's tail (w lindsay tweeting the pap boy's pic with the word Caught beofr any gossip blog had the pics) having a window smashed, having cigs thrown at sam's head, getting tossed out of tea room, getting a glass thrown at sam's head..
If I had been in sam's shoes, lilo would have been done.
Long story short.... sam acts tough but she's just an itty bitty teeny pushover.
And it's my bedtime. Ugh toooo much pasta! Pasta= empty calories! But it also means there won't be any suspicion thrown my way. So yay for that small favor.
And my cat still can't keep her fat ass inside the litterbox. Sigh.
Got home from work and turns out tonight was the spaghetti dinner at that "church". Ofc I didn't go since I worked.. but mom had a couple of tickets and she ussed one to get me a takeaway box. I swear the portion didn't look that big when it was in the box! But uuuggghh I guess my stomach shrunk and my brain hasn't figured that out? There was also a bread roll and cookie! Chocolate chunk (very good)
Ugh... it's a good thing that was my only meal today. Until then i'd just been drinking my protein powder/go greens mix (roughly 65cal for 20oz)
Ugh and ugh. And I'll bet that big dinner will last well into tomorrow too.
Which means I won't be trying the beef nuggets I got tonight, since work still has no turkey jerky.
And I haven't taken any of my vitamins in like a week. Bad me.
Ugh... I should post pics of my fat belly... it'd be very motivating. Good reverse thinspo.
Maybe I should be glad I can't upload from my phone. It saves me from embarrassment. Besides it'd be far more fun to tease kristal than to make her sick.
Then i'd post a pic of my tiny arm with a quarter on my wrist. As a reminder that I'm killing myself with being overweight.
Meanwhile... here's the link to the twitpic from awhile back, for anyone who missed it http://twitpic.com/byjww
And here's a link I just looked up.of course I have this pic on my computer but can't upload it from there.
http://twitpic.com/1ubbu1
She's pointing out her sunburn.. but my eyes go to her wee waist and how I think I see her spine and is it me or are her undies nearly falling off her hips? Anyway she's tiny and those fans who met her (I'm so jealous) call her things like Pixie DJ and Little One. It's kinda funny how she tries to act all big and bad and she's really this itty bitty thing. And judging by how she keeps taking lindsay back, she's also a total pushover. I would never have put up with all that shit. Being publicly accused of doing drugs, publicly accused of cheating (several times) aving the papparazzi put on sam's tail (w lindsay tweeting the pap boy's pic with the word Caught beofr any gossip blog had the pics) having a window smashed, having cigs thrown at sam's head, getting tossed out of tea room, getting a glass thrown at sam's head..
If I had been in sam's shoes, lilo would have been done.
Long story short.... sam acts tough but she's just an itty bitty teeny pushover.
And it's my bedtime. Ugh toooo much pasta! Pasta= empty calories! But it also means there won't be any suspicion thrown my way. So yay for that small favor.
And my cat still can't keep her fat ass inside the litterbox. Sigh.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Ugh.. and ugh. Will I never learn? Probably not.
Well my digestive system is yelling bloody murder at me. I intended to hit the gym today. Instead I'm stuck sitting in the bathroom. Too. Much. Junk. Food.
My poor intestines are all like "wtf is going on? This is not real food!" And taking what little nutrition my weekend bingefest had and pushing the garbage out as quickly as possible.
Haven't eaten all day. Haven't been hungry either. I didn't take a single laxi... did nothing that would artificially create the painful cramping and grossness that I'm suffering today. My poor body is just that annoyed with me.
It's been hard just trying to drink enough water. I feel shitty. (Heh. Bad joke.)
At some point I'm gonna take an ensure knockoff. It's a whopping 250cal but has sooo many vitamins and minerals and it's never made me sick. Even when I had the flu I could keep it down. When I drink these cans it's usually because I feel so sick that they're the only nourishment I take in.
Several times the cramping was so bad I almost threw up. I hate throwing up. To this day I have never stuck my fingers down my throat. I refuse. I'd rather exercise it off. At least then I have a chance at gaining muscle.
On the bright side I did get to try avocado this weekend. It's not so bad. Creamy and kinda blah.. like a strange veggie cheese. I don't really like how it tastes by itself but the taste dissappears easy when it's mixed with other stuff.
You know what would really be nice?
If my damn cat would realize that having all 4 paws in the litterbox does NOT mean that her fat ass is in the litterbox too! Ewwwww!!
Well my digestive system is yelling bloody murder at me. I intended to hit the gym today. Instead I'm stuck sitting in the bathroom. Too. Much. Junk. Food.
My poor intestines are all like "wtf is going on? This is not real food!" And taking what little nutrition my weekend bingefest had and pushing the garbage out as quickly as possible.
Haven't eaten all day. Haven't been hungry either. I didn't take a single laxi... did nothing that would artificially create the painful cramping and grossness that I'm suffering today. My poor body is just that annoyed with me.
It's been hard just trying to drink enough water. I feel shitty. (Heh. Bad joke.)
At some point I'm gonna take an ensure knockoff. It's a whopping 250cal but has sooo many vitamins and minerals and it's never made me sick. Even when I had the flu I could keep it down. When I drink these cans it's usually because I feel so sick that they're the only nourishment I take in.
Several times the cramping was so bad I almost threw up. I hate throwing up. To this day I have never stuck my fingers down my throat. I refuse. I'd rather exercise it off. At least then I have a chance at gaining muscle.
On the bright side I did get to try avocado this weekend. It's not so bad. Creamy and kinda blah.. like a strange veggie cheese. I don't really like how it tastes by itself but the taste dissappears easy when it's mixed with other stuff.
You know what would really be nice?
If my damn cat would realize that having all 4 paws in the litterbox does NOT mean that her fat ass is in the litterbox too! Ewwwww!!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Well I vanished over the weekend. Yea and the self control vanished too. Don't wanna remember everything I stuffed my face with this weekend. Taco Bell (2 chalupas! I love chalupas too much!) And a big sandwich w cup of soup at Red Robin (way overpriced for the food being only decent) ad the rest of my m&ms. Maybe I should be glad the coconut m&ms were a limited edition thing. Can't buy any more!
And *this* is how I've started the race to get as thin as possible before Halloween. Fabulous.
Spent the weekend hanging w R and his gf, hence all the food. We were going around town looking for costume stuff. All I had was a wig called Bad Fairy that I really like. The actual costumes in the stores are for women with bigger boobs and smaller waists than me. My options right now are going thru my old role-play dresses and hope that I have one that still fits, or dig out an even older faceless phantom robe I picked up on clearance years ago cuz for some reason I liked the idea of hiding the fact that I'm female.
Actually... I have another option. Before my mom retired she did plays and musicals every year for like 20 years. She says she got rid of a lot, but if I know her she kept her medival costumes. She'd had to make those herself after all. Maybe i'd find something going thru her old stacks.
I wonder if I could still find the sparkly red flapper dress too? Hope she still has most of her stuff.
Wow I'm tired. Still got some shit to do before bed!
And *this* is how I've started the race to get as thin as possible before Halloween. Fabulous.
Spent the weekend hanging w R and his gf, hence all the food. We were going around town looking for costume stuff. All I had was a wig called Bad Fairy that I really like. The actual costumes in the stores are for women with bigger boobs and smaller waists than me. My options right now are going thru my old role-play dresses and hope that I have one that still fits, or dig out an even older faceless phantom robe I picked up on clearance years ago cuz for some reason I liked the idea of hiding the fact that I'm female.
Actually... I have another option. Before my mom retired she did plays and musicals every year for like 20 years. She says she got rid of a lot, but if I know her she kept her medival costumes. She'd had to make those herself after all. Maybe i'd find something going thru her old stacks.
I wonder if I could still find the sparkly red flapper dress too? Hope she still has most of her stuff.
Wow I'm tired. Still got some shit to do before bed!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Wtf am I doing up?? Stayed up all night. Again. Grrrr this is a huge part of why I'm fat. Late night eating = weight gain! Why do I have to be such a night owl?
Sigh. Moving on.
Looks like Hungry For Change is truly gone :(
This has me very sad. Hungry For Change really helped reenforce a sense of community. I'm tempted to try to start one myself but I don't know how. And also i'd want some help running it. Am also thinking it would be cool to have a History Tab (Herstory? :) because anas are a community and like many other minority communities our history is often buried.
Just a few thoughts. Gonna try to sleep since tomorrow (today) is gonna be looooong.
Sigh. Moving on.
Looks like Hungry For Change is truly gone :(
This has me very sad. Hungry For Change really helped reenforce a sense of community. I'm tempted to try to start one myself but I don't know how. And also i'd want some help running it. Am also thinking it would be cool to have a History Tab (Herstory? :) because anas are a community and like many other minority communities our history is often buried.
Just a few thoughts. Gonna try to sleep since tomorrow (today) is gonna be looooong.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Lil BellaAna.. the pill spray is called Pill Glide. Imaginative name huh?
Thanks to D (I still can't remember how to spell your name and I'm blogging from phone. Me sorry!) Thanks for the idea. A bit of milk before bed also calms me down.
Wow taking them at night is looking more and more logical!
I did try soymilk, wasn't a fan. Only time I liked it was when I was stuck on Lamisil for 3 months and lamisil screwed w my taste buds. Didn't even like chocolate.
And I've worn sandals in the school showers ever since! My gym is sooooo much cleaner than the old school was. That school got torn down and replaced last year. It needed to be done but I got a wee bit nostalgic anyway.
Currently at work blogging thru my lunch. And I really got to vent.
Was stuck up front thanks to some call-offs. Had to deal with this bitch who decided that the bonus value listed on a cetaphil lotion was actually the price of the entire unit. The tiny travel sized freebie was worth 2.99 and the package said that but noooo she wanted the entire 15 dollar unit for 3 bucks. And she was all overdressed for drugstore shopping. Slim jeans with kitten heel boots (andd that heel spike was narrow) and her hair all relaxed out (black lady) and then carefully loosely re-curled. Not a single hair out of place. Some small-town ho trying to look better than she is.
I have 30 units like that and she only got the last 2... and she was the only one who ever had that comprehension problem. If she was truly as well-off as her clothes tried to say, then she didn't need to make such a fucking fuss.
May Karma bite that selfish bitch in the ass.
About an hour later a sweet young girl who was dressed like a poorer woman donated 3 dollars to an older lady w/ oxygen tank who was 1 dollar short. They both had frizzy hair (also balck.. black hair fascinates me) and were sooo much kinder.
Money does not buy class.
(And black hair does fascinate me. I was in college before I saw a black woman with natural hair. I honestly thought that black boys had curly hair and black girls had straight hair that defied gravity. I wanna learn how to do black hair! Waaa!)
Break over. Will have to do intake later.
Thanks to D (I still can't remember how to spell your name and I'm blogging from phone. Me sorry!) Thanks for the idea. A bit of milk before bed also calms me down.
Wow taking them at night is looking more and more logical!
I did try soymilk, wasn't a fan. Only time I liked it was when I was stuck on Lamisil for 3 months and lamisil screwed w my taste buds. Didn't even like chocolate.
And I've worn sandals in the school showers ever since! My gym is sooooo much cleaner than the old school was. That school got torn down and replaced last year. It needed to be done but I got a wee bit nostalgic anyway.
Currently at work blogging thru my lunch. And I really got to vent.
Was stuck up front thanks to some call-offs. Had to deal with this bitch who decided that the bonus value listed on a cetaphil lotion was actually the price of the entire unit. The tiny travel sized freebie was worth 2.99 and the package said that but noooo she wanted the entire 15 dollar unit for 3 bucks. And she was all overdressed for drugstore shopping. Slim jeans with kitten heel boots (andd that heel spike was narrow) and her hair all relaxed out (black lady) and then carefully loosely re-curled. Not a single hair out of place. Some small-town ho trying to look better than she is.
I have 30 units like that and she only got the last 2... and she was the only one who ever had that comprehension problem. If she was truly as well-off as her clothes tried to say, then she didn't need to make such a fucking fuss.
May Karma bite that selfish bitch in the ass.
About an hour later a sweet young girl who was dressed like a poorer woman donated 3 dollars to an older lady w/ oxygen tank who was 1 dollar short. They both had frizzy hair (also balck.. black hair fascinates me) and were sooo much kinder.
Money does not buy class.
(And black hair does fascinate me. I was in college before I saw a black woman with natural hair. I honestly thought that black boys had curly hair and black girls had straight hair that defied gravity. I wanna learn how to do black hair! Waaa!)
Break over. Will have to do intake later.
On one hand today was a bit carbalicious... on the other hand I still didn't eat as much as I thought I would. Today I had 2 bowls of cereal with milk, 2 bowls dry, a sausage ppatty (I guess it wasn't fully cooked the day it made me sick) some turkey jerky (hoping work gets some more in soome) some cashews, the 4 lil cookies mom brought home, a couple cups of milk and 5 white chocolate truffles. What's weird is how I slowly went thru the truffles over an hour or so.
In the good news bank, that Pill Glide seems to be a real miracle. I'm using 1 spray for each pill but it works. I wonder if I could get 2 pills per spray? Dunno gonna have to try it sometime. Cuz the pill glide is like $7-8 dollars for each little 1oz bottle. There are lipsticks that are cheaper. Again tho...I admit it's really working well for me.
My stomach still doesn't like taking vitamins when it's empty tho. So either way I need something breakfast-y. Perhaps I should reverse my dosing schedule. After all most breakfast cereals are fortified. And taking the swallow pills as night would be smooth transition. Taking them in the morning means going down to eat and then coming back up. But they'd fit nicely when I'm. Settling in my room for the night. Hmmmm...it would also allow for a small dinner, making it easier to front my calories. These swallow pills don't require a full stomach, just can't have an empty stomach. I was able to keep them all down even when my breakfast was nothing more than the lil 100cal applesauce cup I swallowed them with.
I think I have a new experiment.
When I can get to it... judging by what time it is here now.. huge chance I'll oversleep and not get to test this til day after tomorrow. I really think eating carbs makes it hard for me to settle down. The high-protein dinners make it easy to STAY asleep. With carbs it's like I crash asleep but am up again like 5 hrs later.
And that's all I have to say right now. Gonna go try to sleep a bit.
In the good news bank, that Pill Glide seems to be a real miracle. I'm using 1 spray for each pill but it works. I wonder if I could get 2 pills per spray? Dunno gonna have to try it sometime. Cuz the pill glide is like $7-8 dollars for each little 1oz bottle. There are lipsticks that are cheaper. Again tho...I admit it's really working well for me.
My stomach still doesn't like taking vitamins when it's empty tho. So either way I need something breakfast-y. Perhaps I should reverse my dosing schedule. After all most breakfast cereals are fortified. And taking the swallow pills as night would be smooth transition. Taking them in the morning means going down to eat and then coming back up. But they'd fit nicely when I'm. Settling in my room for the night. Hmmmm...it would also allow for a small dinner, making it easier to front my calories. These swallow pills don't require a full stomach, just can't have an empty stomach. I was able to keep them all down even when my breakfast was nothing more than the lil 100cal applesauce cup I swallowed them with.
I think I have a new experiment.
When I can get to it... judging by what time it is here now.. huge chance I'll oversleep and not get to test this til day after tomorrow. I really think eating carbs makes it hard for me to settle down. The high-protein dinners make it easy to STAY asleep. With carbs it's like I crash asleep but am up again like 5 hrs later.
And that's all I have to say right now. Gonna go try to sleep a bit.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Quickie since I'm at work. I'm quitting the atkins/ketosis thing. I hate it. I'm bored with it. I get emotional for no reason. It makes my heart feel weird. I have no energy. My muscles are getting weaker. I shake when I weightlift. And to be honest i'd rather feel hungry than nauseous.
Also... it's f*cking expensive. My wallet can't keep this up. Meats and cheeses and eggs etc just cost more than veggies and grains.
I may keep the low carb dinner tho. It seems to help me sleep.
And ya know... I dropped 10lbs on the basic calorie-slashing and working out. Since trying the atkins thing I've gained 3. I think that's a sign. Back to my fiber. Back to strong weightlifting. Back to my piles of veggies. Back to my applesauce. back to grains. My organic Mesa Sunrise. Back to sense!
At the gym yesterday I was dying earlier, long before my reps were up. Had to cut the amount of weight I lifted. Done with that.
Home now....
Thanks for the tip, K. I'll keep the ketosis idea on the back burner. I have read good things about it, including a preliminary study that it might slow the growth of cancerous tumors
I just need to do a bit more research and come up with a better and more varied meal plan.m
Meanwhile I'm going back to what I did last time... the calorie cycling.
Today was a bit spastic tho, being the day I dropped the diet plan. I overslept this morning so "breakfast" was the last of the beef jerky while going to work. At work I was draaaaaggggingg... at lunchtime I said "fuck it".
Work was redoing the Diet section and a few food bars were on clearance. Anya from the Buffy series would call them processed food bricks. The term describes them well but I do like some food bricks ie my luna bars. I got some soyjoy, 2 zoneperfect, and a lonely atkins that had been mixed in with something else. I ate just one bar, a 130cal soyjoy, for lunch. And the 17g carbs jumpstarted everything. I was flying. Got a lot done, was focused, customers were easily helped without making me forget what I was doing....it was a huge improvement.
Got home and had the atkins. It was an atkins advantage peanut fudge granola, and it was actually very good. I was surprised. Also tried the zoneperfect... dark zoneperfect dark chocolate cookies 'n creme... didn't much like it. Also had a few real cookies. Was soo happy to have carbs again I went overboard. The atkins + zoneperfect (yuck) + cookies was about 710. Oops. Today's total is still below 2000 tho so I'm not freaking out.
Funny thing about my binge foods... so long as they don't need to be refridgerated, meaning so long as I can keep them squirreled away in my room, and I know that no one else will eat them.. I can resist them. As long as I know I can have them anytime I don't go food-crazy. In fact I actually do better when I have food and sweets hidden. I don't know why.
Rigt now I have 2 unopened bags of lindt white chocolate truffles (loooove) 9 single-serve packs of coconut m&ms, 5 unopened bags turkey jerky, 2 canister cashews (only 1 opened) 18 lil applesauce singles, a full size box of cheerios (unopened) 3 lil boxes of quaker honey graham Oh's (2 unopened) an opned andes creme de menthe cookies that's only 1/4 gone... my lipton cup a soups, about 5 Green Envys, and a half-gone bag of york peppermint pieces that I got like 2 weeks ago.
And there's other stuff that isn't binge food ie my protein powder and go greens.
Oh! And 4 unopened pastillines tins. The 5th is almost gone.
It's like the more food I have squirrelled away, the better I can resist. Maybe cuz for a few years, when mom was actively in the courts divorcing daddie dearest and fighting so hard to get custody of us kids.. food was in short supply. Things got better once the lawyer fees went away but mom never did have enough money to keep daddie dearest from stealing furniture that the courts awarded to mom. She decided to let the furniture go so she could buy a bit more food. I haven't had a real table since I was about 10 cuz daddie dearest took it and mom couldn't afford another. We ate on tv trays and sometimes the ironing board. We had a kitchen table when stepdaddie dearest came, but never a proper dining room table again. And now, in our current house, the "table" is so small we use it as the computer desk. Ha!
And I'm writing a damn book again... long story..less long.. when I am surrounded by food I can relax and restrict better. And I think it's weird, even tho I kinda understand why I'm like this.
Night :)
But I will pay more attention to the protein I get.
Also... it's f*cking expensive. My wallet can't keep this up. Meats and cheeses and eggs etc just cost more than veggies and grains.
I may keep the low carb dinner tho. It seems to help me sleep.
And ya know... I dropped 10lbs on the basic calorie-slashing and working out. Since trying the atkins thing I've gained 3. I think that's a sign. Back to my fiber. Back to strong weightlifting. Back to my piles of veggies. Back to my applesauce. back to grains. My organic Mesa Sunrise. Back to sense!
At the gym yesterday I was dying earlier, long before my reps were up. Had to cut the amount of weight I lifted. Done with that.
Home now....
Thanks for the tip, K. I'll keep the ketosis idea on the back burner. I have read good things about it, including a preliminary study that it might slow the growth of cancerous tumors
I just need to do a bit more research and come up with a better and more varied meal plan.m
Meanwhile I'm going back to what I did last time... the calorie cycling.
Today was a bit spastic tho, being the day I dropped the diet plan. I overslept this morning so "breakfast" was the last of the beef jerky while going to work. At work I was draaaaaggggingg... at lunchtime I said "fuck it".
Work was redoing the Diet section and a few food bars were on clearance. Anya from the Buffy series would call them processed food bricks. The term describes them well but I do like some food bricks ie my luna bars. I got some soyjoy, 2 zoneperfect, and a lonely atkins that had been mixed in with something else. I ate just one bar, a 130cal soyjoy, for lunch. And the 17g carbs jumpstarted everything. I was flying. Got a lot done, was focused, customers were easily helped without making me forget what I was doing....it was a huge improvement.
Got home and had the atkins. It was an atkins advantage peanut fudge granola, and it was actually very good. I was surprised. Also tried the zoneperfect... dark zoneperfect dark chocolate cookies 'n creme... didn't much like it. Also had a few real cookies. Was soo happy to have carbs again I went overboard. The atkins + zoneperfect (yuck) + cookies was about 710. Oops. Today's total is still below 2000 tho so I'm not freaking out.
Funny thing about my binge foods... so long as they don't need to be refridgerated, meaning so long as I can keep them squirreled away in my room, and I know that no one else will eat them.. I can resist them. As long as I know I can have them anytime I don't go food-crazy. In fact I actually do better when I have food and sweets hidden. I don't know why.
Rigt now I have 2 unopened bags of lindt white chocolate truffles (loooove) 9 single-serve packs of coconut m&ms, 5 unopened bags turkey jerky, 2 canister cashews (only 1 opened) 18 lil applesauce singles, a full size box of cheerios (unopened) 3 lil boxes of quaker honey graham Oh's (2 unopened) an opned andes creme de menthe cookies that's only 1/4 gone... my lipton cup a soups, about 5 Green Envys, and a half-gone bag of york peppermint pieces that I got like 2 weeks ago.
And there's other stuff that isn't binge food ie my protein powder and go greens.
Oh! And 4 unopened pastillines tins. The 5th is almost gone.
It's like the more food I have squirrelled away, the better I can resist. Maybe cuz for a few years, when mom was actively in the courts divorcing daddie dearest and fighting so hard to get custody of us kids.. food was in short supply. Things got better once the lawyer fees went away but mom never did have enough money to keep daddie dearest from stealing furniture that the courts awarded to mom. She decided to let the furniture go so she could buy a bit more food. I haven't had a real table since I was about 10 cuz daddie dearest took it and mom couldn't afford another. We ate on tv trays and sometimes the ironing board. We had a kitchen table when stepdaddie dearest came, but never a proper dining room table again. And now, in our current house, the "table" is so small we use it as the computer desk. Ha!
And I'm writing a damn book again... long story..less long.. when I am surrounded by food I can relax and restrict better. And I think it's weird, even tho I kinda understand why I'm like this.
Night :)
But I will pay more attention to the protein I get.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Am at work right now and break near over.
Breakfast was the rest of the beef jerky. At work I finally finished yesterday's green protein drink (I was too naiseous yesterday) and right now I have more turkey jerky and the slimenergy/teaberry drink. I am blogging just to keep from eating the entire jerky bag.
I don't know how many carbs are in the teaberry but it's only 20 cals and it has some fiber so I'm probably ok. Also picked up some pill-glide hoping it'll make it possible to take my vitamins without applesauce.
K gotta go.. guess I'll see if I can edit later. This post should be short enough thus far.
Home now. Please excuse me while I vent a bit.
Earlier this year.. or perhaps it was last year..time blurs in connection to this guy.. I found ou my uncle was moving in. (One of my uncles, I should say. I have several and except for this one, they are humble and hardworking men)
Anyway turns out this uncle, who was proud of be a Baptist and a bible-pounder and claimed his was the righteous way...he had some very "interesting" pictures of little girls on his computer. And some he had actually taken himself. I'm happy to report that the little girl was never harmed.. these were not "action" shots and she simply thought she was posing for some artistic photos.
But when those photos were combined with his list of aquaintences, especially the ones he made trips out of the country to see, well the government got suspicious enough to seize his photography equipment and most of his computer stuff and take it away for a very thorough searching.
So this bible-pounder has been freely associating with known child pornographers in other countries. And he laughes when he admits he pirates software and movies and games etc etc. He has taught his sons to do the same. And his youngest is a racist sexist homophobe who would make the westboro baptists proud.
So this is the uncle who reads aloud to me some bullshit quote about how taking something from a rich mann and giving it to a poor man diminishes both. He then used that to launch into some grand pontificating about how government should not be involved in charity. That it wasn't the government's job to care for the poor. It was humanity's job to care for the poor (the fact that the government is made up of humans and could count as part of humanity doesn't seem to occur to him, not even after I point it out)
He thinks churches should handle everything charity (I should have asked if he thoguht bush's idea of giving gov $ to "faith-based" groups was a good idea)
Yea cuz a gay person is gonna feel so comfy about going to a homophobic church to get his food that he needs to live.
Or a black person to a "church" where there's KKK members.
What's that? There are gay and black churches too?
Yea.. but do they have the same amount of money to go around?
Exactly. Government is in a position to allocate resources across a greater area. Government doesn't always do this very well, but gov is still better positioned to do it.
But uncle is stuck on this idea of gov vs morality. Mainly that the government shouldn't be involved in enforcing moral ideas (that doesn't stop him from voting republican and voing against my Civil Rights)
I guess he doesn't want gov protecting the innocent either. After all "innocence" and "guilt" are moral concepts.
Heh.. I think he just wants to cast himself as the victim of an overzealous government. He wants to feel justified in being angry at a goverment that CAUGHT him doing something he shouldn't.
......
......
......
Today I basically ate 2 bags of jerky again. And some more cashews and a cup of milk. Lemme get some paper...gotta figure 3.5 servings since a serving is 1 oz and each bag is 3.5 oz. Then I gotta double that since I ate 2 bags.... 560cal 105grams protein and 21 grams carbs in just the jerky. Geez I need to cut down. While on keto-diets you're not supposed to count calories, that's true... but always count carbs. Between the cup of milk (@12-15 carbs) and the cashews (pure fat and carbs... good fats but still) I'm probably over the limit again. A serving of cashews is only 1/4th a cup and there's a whopping 9grams of carbs in that. Sigh. I fucked up again.
It'll happen though. Even if I don't get up in time to hit the gym I have to walk to school.
And I'll make an egg for breakfast. No sausage this time. Just the egg, maybe 2 eggs, perhaps with a wee bit of milk (I do love milk..sigh) and I'll fry eggs in olive oil if there is any. Otherwise just microwave. Then just one bag of jerky will have to last the rest of the day. Damnit. Maybe I'll just take the green protein mix... I dunno I'll decide tomorrow.
Breakfast was the rest of the beef jerky. At work I finally finished yesterday's green protein drink (I was too naiseous yesterday) and right now I have more turkey jerky and the slimenergy/teaberry drink. I am blogging just to keep from eating the entire jerky bag.
I don't know how many carbs are in the teaberry but it's only 20 cals and it has some fiber so I'm probably ok. Also picked up some pill-glide hoping it'll make it possible to take my vitamins without applesauce.
K gotta go.. guess I'll see if I can edit later. This post should be short enough thus far.
Home now. Please excuse me while I vent a bit.
Earlier this year.. or perhaps it was last year..time blurs in connection to this guy.. I found ou my uncle was moving in. (One of my uncles, I should say. I have several and except for this one, they are humble and hardworking men)
Anyway turns out this uncle, who was proud of be a Baptist and a bible-pounder and claimed his was the righteous way...he had some very "interesting" pictures of little girls on his computer. And some he had actually taken himself. I'm happy to report that the little girl was never harmed.. these were not "action" shots and she simply thought she was posing for some artistic photos.
But when those photos were combined with his list of aquaintences, especially the ones he made trips out of the country to see, well the government got suspicious enough to seize his photography equipment and most of his computer stuff and take it away for a very thorough searching.
So this bible-pounder has been freely associating with known child pornographers in other countries. And he laughes when he admits he pirates software and movies and games etc etc. He has taught his sons to do the same. And his youngest is a racist sexist homophobe who would make the westboro baptists proud.
So this is the uncle who reads aloud to me some bullshit quote about how taking something from a rich mann and giving it to a poor man diminishes both. He then used that to launch into some grand pontificating about how government should not be involved in charity. That it wasn't the government's job to care for the poor. It was humanity's job to care for the poor (the fact that the government is made up of humans and could count as part of humanity doesn't seem to occur to him, not even after I point it out)
He thinks churches should handle everything charity (I should have asked if he thoguht bush's idea of giving gov $ to "faith-based" groups was a good idea)
Yea cuz a gay person is gonna feel so comfy about going to a homophobic church to get his food that he needs to live.
Or a black person to a "church" where there's KKK members.
What's that? There are gay and black churches too?
Yea.. but do they have the same amount of money to go around?
Exactly. Government is in a position to allocate resources across a greater area. Government doesn't always do this very well, but gov is still better positioned to do it.
But uncle is stuck on this idea of gov vs morality. Mainly that the government shouldn't be involved in enforcing moral ideas (that doesn't stop him from voting republican and voing against my Civil Rights)
I guess he doesn't want gov protecting the innocent either. After all "innocence" and "guilt" are moral concepts.
Heh.. I think he just wants to cast himself as the victim of an overzealous government. He wants to feel justified in being angry at a goverment that CAUGHT him doing something he shouldn't.
......
......
......
Today I basically ate 2 bags of jerky again. And some more cashews and a cup of milk. Lemme get some paper...gotta figure 3.5 servings since a serving is 1 oz and each bag is 3.5 oz. Then I gotta double that since I ate 2 bags.... 560cal 105grams protein and 21 grams carbs in just the jerky. Geez I need to cut down. While on keto-diets you're not supposed to count calories, that's true... but always count carbs. Between the cup of milk (@12-15 carbs) and the cashews (pure fat and carbs... good fats but still) I'm probably over the limit again. A serving of cashews is only 1/4th a cup and there's a whopping 9grams of carbs in that. Sigh. I fucked up again.
It'll happen though. Even if I don't get up in time to hit the gym I have to walk to school.
And I'll make an egg for breakfast. No sausage this time. Just the egg, maybe 2 eggs, perhaps with a wee bit of milk (I do love milk..sigh) and I'll fry eggs in olive oil if there is any. Otherwise just microwave. Then just one bag of jerky will have to last the rest of the day. Damnit. Maybe I'll just take the green protein mix... I dunno I'll decide tomorrow.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Ugh. Wow. So that's the "atkins flu" yea it's not fun.
Breakfast was one egg and one sausage patty and one cup milk. Something there didn't agree with my lil stomach, probably the sausage. I felt vaguely nauseous for most of work shift. I actually had a gray-out (wtf?! Already?) I had dizzy spells and hot flashes (wtf?) Had another spell that was so close to gray-out maybe I should count it as one.
Finally about 3 hours before close I felt actual hunger... but again it was alternating with nausea. I went to food isle and looked for keto-friendly foods (low carb)
And I chose to try some jerky. Never had jerky before. I got one bag of turkey and one bag of beef to nibble on so I wouldn't faint.
And I found a new addiction. Turkey jerky sooooo good... whole 3.5oz bag gone already, as is most of the beef. Also had some cashews. My fave nuts.
At least I binged on foods that fit my plan. Even keto-foods have carbs tho... so I may have undone the ketosis. Dammit.
I do feel much better... one of the atkins lifers said that he thought the "atkins flu" was brought on by dropping sodium levels, because his symptoms faded when he upped his salt. Maybe that's true... jerky has a lot of salt.
I still feel a little headachey but I'm not dizzy and having gray-outs anymore.
Still trying to decide if that's a good thing or not.
It takes an average person 2-3 days to go into ketosis. Those who lift weights, especially heavy weights, can burn the glycogen off fast enough to enter ketosis in as little as 20-24 hours.
So in theory if I do some heavy strength training I can undo this damage faster and get into that ketogenic state. I hope to be in full ketosis by Monday, but I should be in it by tues at the latest. I'm just hoping I can do my at-home strength training Sunday night and push into ketosis Monday. At least I'll be able to hit the gym Monday...finally.
I promised myself that once I get another 10lbs off i'd go back to jcpenney and get that purple I heart ronson dress that I like so much. And the longer it takes to drop that second set of 10, the greater the chance that dress won't be there.
I need to f*cking MOVE!!
Breakfast was one egg and one sausage patty and one cup milk. Something there didn't agree with my lil stomach, probably the sausage. I felt vaguely nauseous for most of work shift. I actually had a gray-out (wtf?! Already?) I had dizzy spells and hot flashes (wtf?) Had another spell that was so close to gray-out maybe I should count it as one.
Finally about 3 hours before close I felt actual hunger... but again it was alternating with nausea. I went to food isle and looked for keto-friendly foods (low carb)
And I chose to try some jerky. Never had jerky before. I got one bag of turkey and one bag of beef to nibble on so I wouldn't faint.
And I found a new addiction. Turkey jerky sooooo good... whole 3.5oz bag gone already, as is most of the beef. Also had some cashews. My fave nuts.
At least I binged on foods that fit my plan. Even keto-foods have carbs tho... so I may have undone the ketosis. Dammit.
I do feel much better... one of the atkins lifers said that he thought the "atkins flu" was brought on by dropping sodium levels, because his symptoms faded when he upped his salt. Maybe that's true... jerky has a lot of salt.
I still feel a little headachey but I'm not dizzy and having gray-outs anymore.
Still trying to decide if that's a good thing or not.
It takes an average person 2-3 days to go into ketosis. Those who lift weights, especially heavy weights, can burn the glycogen off fast enough to enter ketosis in as little as 20-24 hours.
So in theory if I do some heavy strength training I can undo this damage faster and get into that ketogenic state. I hope to be in full ketosis by Monday, but I should be in it by tues at the latest. I'm just hoping I can do my at-home strength training Sunday night and push into ketosis Monday. At least I'll be able to hit the gym Monday...finally.
I promised myself that once I get another 10lbs off i'd go back to jcpenney and get that purple I heart ronson dress that I like so much. And the longer it takes to drop that second set of 10, the greater the chance that dress won't be there.
I need to f*cking MOVE!!
history repeats (long entry, like book-long)
I seem to have a bit of a cold or something and I slept most of the day.
And when I finally woke up in late afternoon and realized I wasn't hungry... I read Regzig's blog. She mentioned ketosis so I spent most of my waking hours surfing the net for info on ketosis. I found myself thinking that if I have slipped into ketosis that this could be a serious boon to my weight loss efforts. Sleeping=fasting since I am not one of those poor souls who eat while fast asleep.
I only feel brief hunger that comes and goes. At the moment I'm not hungry at all.
So I am fighting a cold or something and rather than make myself eat so I keep my strength up... I think of using this as a dieting springboard.
That is disordered thinking. Sigh. And I've been down this road before. I know exactly where it ends.
When I was young I lived in an abusive household. Daddie dearest liked to hit. He also liked to break shit. And the stepdaddie dearest who came after was not much better. Stepdaddie didn't hit... but he did enjoy yelling late at night about how my mom was a fat slob and about how *i* would never be good for anything but sex.
Imagine hearing that when you're 14.
And mom didn't defend me. Part of me understands that arguing would have made it worse... but part of me also wants her still to tell him to shut the fuck up. She did finally dump his worthless ass but I was in college by then.
And she's friends with him now... and doesn't understand why I "hold a grudge" against him.yea...
And she tried to make me his personal Cinderella. As if by making me his slave she could "prove" that I was good for more than just sex.
That fucktard couldn't even be bothered to rinse his own damn whiskers down the sink after shaving. I had to do it. Nor could he be bothered to reheat his own food in the microwave. I had to do it. I often thought about poisoning him but I was afraid of jail.
Ana was my safe place, my refuge, at least ana was reciprocal. Ana was predictable.
And no one questioned me. My stick thin state was written off to the growth spurts of puberty.
No one noticed. Not a single human being stepped in.
So..... God did. I really believe that. Ana Regzig wrote about her faith often. Perhaps that's another reason her blog, now so old, still inspires me. Among many other things that still seem too personal to share right now... there was a soft Voice in the back of my head that would gently ask me why I should punish myself because someone else was cruel to me.
So I lived.
And now I feel that old road beckoning.. the siren ana singing. It was always about control. I couldn't control my mom's bad taste in men, but I could control my eating..
I can't control the assholes at that "church". I can't control if Don't Ask Don't Tell is ever thrown away and I can't control the bullying tha drove the gay teens to commit suicide.
But I can control my eating. It's the one thing I can always control.
And it's like the Voice is back... why punish myself for what others have done to me?
Today thus far I've had 2 bottles of water and a single slice of turkey. Truth. I don't want to eat. The disordered thinking is strong. Gotta lose weight. Gotta be small. Maybe if I look delicate enough the "church" will feel bad. (Yea right... they have no conscience!)
And a gentle urge "eat something".
I don't wanna. I want ketosis. I want to be a fat-burning machine. In ketosis you don't eat the muscle up. The body breaks the fat cells down to preserve muscle. It's simple evolution really. To find food you need brain, heart, muscles... ketosis is your body dealing with starvation in a way that tries to preserve your ability to find food.
I want ketosis.
"There is tuna in the cupboard".
And tuna is on the ok list for ketosis. So I took a can. Forgot the can opener and a fork tho. Trying to psyche myself up to go get them.
Weight still steady at this damn plateau. And the uncle is still up and on the computer. *he* doesn't have to work tomorrow. How am I supposed to get shit up here?
Already have a can opener...one of those as seen on tv things that was on clearance and we had no power when I got it. The power outage was over before I used it. Been sitting there for months. And I got batteries. Just need fork.. can get it when I switch water bottles. Just hold it against the bottle. He's not that observant. He's also very self-absorbed. Won't notice a fork. Sure would've noticed a can opening tho heh heh. God provides.
Got it. Even grabbed the other tuna can. I changed pants so I had pockets. Clean getaway.
Sadly I didn't think to check if we have eggs. Eggs are ketosis-friendly breakfast.
Oh well I'll just nosh on the sliced lunchmeat if I have to. And the sliced cheese.
K night. The catpan needs to be changed before I can sleep but I will eat the tuna, promise.
And when I finally woke up in late afternoon and realized I wasn't hungry... I read Regzig's blog. She mentioned ketosis so I spent most of my waking hours surfing the net for info on ketosis. I found myself thinking that if I have slipped into ketosis that this could be a serious boon to my weight loss efforts. Sleeping=fasting since I am not one of those poor souls who eat while fast asleep.
I only feel brief hunger that comes and goes. At the moment I'm not hungry at all.
So I am fighting a cold or something and rather than make myself eat so I keep my strength up... I think of using this as a dieting springboard.
That is disordered thinking. Sigh. And I've been down this road before. I know exactly where it ends.
When I was young I lived in an abusive household. Daddie dearest liked to hit. He also liked to break shit. And the stepdaddie dearest who came after was not much better. Stepdaddie didn't hit... but he did enjoy yelling late at night about how my mom was a fat slob and about how *i* would never be good for anything but sex.
Imagine hearing that when you're 14.
And mom didn't defend me. Part of me understands that arguing would have made it worse... but part of me also wants her still to tell him to shut the fuck up. She did finally dump his worthless ass but I was in college by then.
And she's friends with him now... and doesn't understand why I "hold a grudge" against him.yea...
And she tried to make me his personal Cinderella. As if by making me his slave she could "prove" that I was good for more than just sex.
That fucktard couldn't even be bothered to rinse his own damn whiskers down the sink after shaving. I had to do it. Nor could he be bothered to reheat his own food in the microwave. I had to do it. I often thought about poisoning him but I was afraid of jail.
Ana was my safe place, my refuge, at least ana was reciprocal. Ana was predictable.
And no one questioned me. My stick thin state was written off to the growth spurts of puberty.
No one noticed. Not a single human being stepped in.
So..... God did. I really believe that. Ana Regzig wrote about her faith often. Perhaps that's another reason her blog, now so old, still inspires me. Among many other things that still seem too personal to share right now... there was a soft Voice in the back of my head that would gently ask me why I should punish myself because someone else was cruel to me.
So I lived.
And now I feel that old road beckoning.. the siren ana singing. It was always about control. I couldn't control my mom's bad taste in men, but I could control my eating..
I can't control the assholes at that "church". I can't control if Don't Ask Don't Tell is ever thrown away and I can't control the bullying tha drove the gay teens to commit suicide.
But I can control my eating. It's the one thing I can always control.
And it's like the Voice is back... why punish myself for what others have done to me?
Today thus far I've had 2 bottles of water and a single slice of turkey. Truth. I don't want to eat. The disordered thinking is strong. Gotta lose weight. Gotta be small. Maybe if I look delicate enough the "church" will feel bad. (Yea right... they have no conscience!)
And a gentle urge "eat something".
I don't wanna. I want ketosis. I want to be a fat-burning machine. In ketosis you don't eat the muscle up. The body breaks the fat cells down to preserve muscle. It's simple evolution really. To find food you need brain, heart, muscles... ketosis is your body dealing with starvation in a way that tries to preserve your ability to find food.
I want ketosis.
"There is tuna in the cupboard".
And tuna is on the ok list for ketosis. So I took a can. Forgot the can opener and a fork tho. Trying to psyche myself up to go get them.
Weight still steady at this damn plateau. And the uncle is still up and on the computer. *he* doesn't have to work tomorrow. How am I supposed to get shit up here?
Already have a can opener...one of those as seen on tv things that was on clearance and we had no power when I got it. The power outage was over before I used it. Been sitting there for months. And I got batteries. Just need fork.. can get it when I switch water bottles. Just hold it against the bottle. He's not that observant. He's also very self-absorbed. Won't notice a fork. Sure would've noticed a can opening tho heh heh. God provides.
Got it. Even grabbed the other tuna can. I changed pants so I had pockets. Clean getaway.
Sadly I didn't think to check if we have eggs. Eggs are ketosis-friendly breakfast.
Oh well I'll just nosh on the sliced lunchmeat if I have to. And the sliced cheese.
K night. The catpan needs to be changed before I can sleep but I will eat the tuna, promise.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Well today was an utter crap day. I mean yea ok "cheat day" but still... damn. Isn't there a rehab for chocoholics? Ok I'm depressed.
But tomorrow will be better. Can't stuff my face while working retail.
Totally meandering off-topic... I'm wondering if it would be ok to send Samantha Ronson a fanletter. I know she lost her dear Cadillac awhile ago and she loves that dog. Long story short: some teeny dog with a napoleon complex got into a fight with caddy and caddy being much bigger... badness happened. Sam doesn't have caddy anymore and I honestly don't know where caddy is. I'm pretty sure she's alive tho since no humans were hurt. Cadillac has never hurt a human.
But I know how i'd feel if my dog was taken away and couldnt be with me anymore.
But maybe she'd be freaked?
I don't really have a definite place to send it either. Allido Records (her bro Mark's group) doesn't seem to have a snailmail! The internet stalkers (yes I feel shame that I talked to them) gave me an apt complex in LA called Empire West and that's my best guess.
Aren't I a bit old to do a fanletter? Does fandom have an expiration date?
Sigh... I don't know. It's just that many of her songs have meant a lot to me over the years and her blogs and twitter have introduced me to other songs that I really like.. and she's openly said she's unhappy and misses her dog and i'd really like to try to make her smile even if just for a few seconds.
Oy... I'm too old for this shit.
But tomorrow will be better. Can't stuff my face while working retail.
Totally meandering off-topic... I'm wondering if it would be ok to send Samantha Ronson a fanletter. I know she lost her dear Cadillac awhile ago and she loves that dog. Long story short: some teeny dog with a napoleon complex got into a fight with caddy and caddy being much bigger... badness happened. Sam doesn't have caddy anymore and I honestly don't know where caddy is. I'm pretty sure she's alive tho since no humans were hurt. Cadillac has never hurt a human.
But I know how i'd feel if my dog was taken away and couldnt be with me anymore.
But maybe she'd be freaked?
I don't really have a definite place to send it either. Allido Records (her bro Mark's group) doesn't seem to have a snailmail! The internet stalkers (yes I feel shame that I talked to them) gave me an apt complex in LA called Empire West and that's my best guess.
Aren't I a bit old to do a fanletter? Does fandom have an expiration date?
Sigh... I don't know. It's just that many of her songs have meant a lot to me over the years and her blogs and twitter have introduced me to other songs that I really like.. and she's openly said she's unhappy and misses her dog and i'd really like to try to make her smile even if just for a few seconds.
Oy... I'm too old for this shit.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I'm back. Thanks for the kind words. Sorry I was so depressed there.. I didn't mean to start seeing even this blog thru the lens of depression. That "church" thing really hit me hard.. and every time mom's around me she just has to give me exhaustive updates on that "churc" so I keep getting reminded... which keeps me depressed.. and I'm sorry it spilled onto here. (By that I mean I'm sorry I thought I was being judged. I don't think I have ever seen homophobia in the ana community, so if it exists I don't know it.)
Sorry I've been over sensitive lately. :(
Ya know the reader thing never even occured to me. Blogging from my phone + too paranoid to get an app = reader doesn't work for me. There's no way for me to scroll down.
Ok.. breakfast was a 100cal single serve applesauce cup since I take my vitamins with applesauce. Yea I know but I have always had problems taking pills. The vitamins had no cal counts on their bottles. Why is that?
Took my 65cal green protein mix to work and actually I still haven't finished it.. now at home with my little cup a soup 60cals.
Oh and my work lunch was a lil luna mini bar 80cals.
And ofc when I got home I ate 4 hershey kisses that mom put under my nose. Oops.. so that's another (26 x 4) 104. Sigh. So 344 assuming I can actually add in my head. Probably ought to say more like 350 since surely those vitamins can't be calorie-free.
Think I'll go to bed early. The xmas stuff is in already (I say xmas because retail jobs don't really give a shit about Christmas... even Christmas Eve is considered an ordinary day. Work is not gonna close early)
Hard day today. Feet achingggggg....... so... yea.
Zzzzzzzz
Sorry I've been over sensitive lately. :(
Ya know the reader thing never even occured to me. Blogging from my phone + too paranoid to get an app = reader doesn't work for me. There's no way for me to scroll down.
Ok.. breakfast was a 100cal single serve applesauce cup since I take my vitamins with applesauce. Yea I know but I have always had problems taking pills. The vitamins had no cal counts on their bottles. Why is that?
Took my 65cal green protein mix to work and actually I still haven't finished it.. now at home with my little cup a soup 60cals.
Oh and my work lunch was a lil luna mini bar 80cals.
And ofc when I got home I ate 4 hershey kisses that mom put under my nose. Oops.. so that's another (26 x 4) 104. Sigh. So 344 assuming I can actually add in my head. Probably ought to say more like 350 since surely those vitamins can't be calorie-free.
Think I'll go to bed early. The xmas stuff is in already (I say xmas because retail jobs don't really give a shit about Christmas... even Christmas Eve is considered an ordinary day. Work is not gonna close early)
Hard day today. Feet achingggggg....... so... yea.
Zzzzzzzz
Monday, October 11, 2010
On oct 6 I made a post that showed a bit if what I find thinspiring... and part me drooling over another woman.
According to the blogger stats page... my blog was last viewed on oct 6 at 16:00 hours.
I can't help but wonder if there's a connection there... or if it's just coincidence.
Sigh.
On the weight front I have been slowly but steadily dropping this week. I am now 10lbs lighter than I was when I started this blog, so clearly the blog helps. Nearly half of that weight loss was within the past week and 3/4s... just under two weeks.
That crazy calorie cycling idea seems to be working for me. I am worried about losing muscle though. I feel weaker.
Of course the weight loss means it's time to redo the BMR. Looks like my baseline is going to drop just a wee to 1700. I kinda like having the Eat days be in the 1800-1900 range as those are the days I am seen the most by friends and fam... so I'm gonna keep that and take the Burn days (scheduled on the days I work) down to a limit of 600. And if I can manage less than 600 hell yea I'm gonna go for less.
Beyond that... not much to say. Over a month to drop 10lbs? Seems kinda slow?
Hate the boss btw. I am losing my 2 fave asst. Managers and the incompetent store boss is staying.
Oh... and christmas eve is not considered a holiday. He does the schedule and we're just being expected to show up.
I hate working in retail.
According to the blogger stats page... my blog was last viewed on oct 6 at 16:00 hours.
I can't help but wonder if there's a connection there... or if it's just coincidence.
Sigh.
On the weight front I have been slowly but steadily dropping this week. I am now 10lbs lighter than I was when I started this blog, so clearly the blog helps. Nearly half of that weight loss was within the past week and 3/4s... just under two weeks.
That crazy calorie cycling idea seems to be working for me. I am worried about losing muscle though. I feel weaker.
Of course the weight loss means it's time to redo the BMR. Looks like my baseline is going to drop just a wee to 1700. I kinda like having the Eat days be in the 1800-1900 range as those are the days I am seen the most by friends and fam... so I'm gonna keep that and take the Burn days (scheduled on the days I work) down to a limit of 600. And if I can manage less than 600 hell yea I'm gonna go for less.
Beyond that... not much to say. Over a month to drop 10lbs? Seems kinda slow?
Hate the boss btw. I am losing my 2 fave asst. Managers and the incompetent store boss is staying.
Oh... and christmas eve is not considered a holiday. He does the schedule and we're just being expected to show up.
I hate working in retail.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Wow my sleep pattern is all fucked up. I'm tired and sleepy when the sun is up and peppy when the moon is out. What the flying fuck. Was down 4/10 of a pound but dunno if it counts as a morning weight when I didn't get up til well past noon. The weight loss has seriously slowed now that I'm not dropping the retained water anymore. The "week" is quickly ending so weight should be fluctuating less. Yay?
My drugstore dot com order arrived! Yay! Got plenty of go greens now. I have really come to depend on my "green protein" mix of chocolate-flavored whey protein powder with half a go greens packet. I also got one box of each lipton cup o soup that drugstore.com had. Some have more protein for fewer calories than others but each is under 100cals per serving and each is one serving per lil packet so it's like the soup at hand but cheaper and a bit more environmentally friendly. Where I am the soup at hand was on sale for a dollar each... the normal price is $2 for one soup at hand... $2 for one serving. The lipton is $2 for 3 or 4 servings depending on which flavor you get. So yea... hoping I like them.
Not much else to say. Am pissed I slept the day away. My intake yesterday was above my desired limit but I guess I didn't do too much damage.
Been thinking about Hungry for Change. They suggest using a piece of jewelry or clothing and seeing is as a symbol of the cause you're fasting for. It took some digging but I found an old rainbow cross a gay girl gave me long ago. It's a simple rainbowy piece of cross-shaped plastic on a short red cord but it means a lot to me. The cord was even measured out so the cross would hang right above my heart. Still get teary-eyed when I think about it.
Actually tried fasting yesterday. A simple one-day to see if I could. It was easy at work with all those obese customers plopping around. But a few hours after I got home I ate. Yes I was seen but still... sigh.
Ok... if I'm gonna be awake all damn night again tonight then let's at least get something done.
My drugstore dot com order arrived! Yay! Got plenty of go greens now. I have really come to depend on my "green protein" mix of chocolate-flavored whey protein powder with half a go greens packet. I also got one box of each lipton cup o soup that drugstore.com had. Some have more protein for fewer calories than others but each is under 100cals per serving and each is one serving per lil packet so it's like the soup at hand but cheaper and a bit more environmentally friendly. Where I am the soup at hand was on sale for a dollar each... the normal price is $2 for one soup at hand... $2 for one serving. The lipton is $2 for 3 or 4 servings depending on which flavor you get. So yea... hoping I like them.
Not much else to say. Am pissed I slept the day away. My intake yesterday was above my desired limit but I guess I didn't do too much damage.
Been thinking about Hungry for Change. They suggest using a piece of jewelry or clothing and seeing is as a symbol of the cause you're fasting for. It took some digging but I found an old rainbow cross a gay girl gave me long ago. It's a simple rainbowy piece of cross-shaped plastic on a short red cord but it means a lot to me. The cord was even measured out so the cross would hang right above my heart. Still get teary-eyed when I think about it.
Actually tried fasting yesterday. A simple one-day to see if I could. It was easy at work with all those obese customers plopping around. But a few hours after I got home I ate. Yes I was seen but still... sigh.
Ok... if I'm gonna be awake all damn night again tonight then let's at least get something done.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Here I sit at the end of an Eat day. Not too bad. Actually a lil hungry already. I did finish the rest of the truffles (ha now they can't tempt me anymore) and soon the sugar crash will send me to sleep. Beyond that not much to say. I was damn lazy today.
It seems I am unable to upload anything from phone soooo I did manage to find the original source of one of my thinspirational pics. Yes it's Samantha Ronson and she might be horrified if she knew about my thoughts on this pic. Or maybe she'd just be embarassed. Anyway..
This is an example of my dual reactions. I am jealous of sam's figure here. I wish my tummy was that flat! (I hate her hair tho.. too short... I like her in chin-length bobs)
And my other reaction... I wanna kiss that tummy! (And possibly work my way down... *slaps self HARD*)
Being gayelle does complicate things sometimes :)
The link to the pic -- http://twitpic.com/byjww
To answer a comment... sadly I have no idea where Ana Regzig is and it makes me sad. I am still inspired by her and chose my ana name in an effort to honor her. Ana Regzig was right in how we all feel alone in our quests for perfection. I felt alone. She was also right in how we're actually many people strong and we need to know about each other even if it's just via these anonymous blogs. She totally understood the need for anonymity and showed how to balance that with the need for support. I hope she's ok wherever she is and that it would make her smile to see she is remembered.
It seems I am unable to upload anything from phone soooo I did manage to find the original source of one of my thinspirational pics. Yes it's Samantha Ronson and she might be horrified if she knew about my thoughts on this pic. Or maybe she'd just be embarassed. Anyway..
This is an example of my dual reactions. I am jealous of sam's figure here. I wish my tummy was that flat! (I hate her hair tho.. too short... I like her in chin-length bobs)
And my other reaction... I wanna kiss that tummy! (And possibly work my way down... *slaps self HARD*)
Being gayelle does complicate things sometimes :)
The link to the pic -- http://twitpic.com/byjww
To answer a comment... sadly I have no idea where Ana Regzig is and it makes me sad. I am still inspired by her and chose my ana name in an effort to honor her. Ana Regzig was right in how we all feel alone in our quests for perfection. I felt alone. She was also right in how we're actually many people strong and we need to know about each other even if it's just via these anonymous blogs. She totally understood the need for anonymity and showed how to balance that with the need for support. I hope she's ok wherever she is and that it would make her smile to see she is remembered.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Well I am thoroughly pissed at myself. Had my 65cal drinkmix at work... just the one throughout the day.. and come home and had just a piece of salisbury steak and a few cherry tomatoes. A little annoyed at eating most my cals so late but otherwise pretty happy.
Then I fucked up again. Damn chocolate cravings. Why am I so weak? Had some truffles.. like 9.. and then poppycock! I am not buying poppycock ever again. It's fucking addicting. Can't stop with just a few bites oh no. And then of course I crashed off the sugar less than an hour later. So here I am. Awake at dark o'clock in the morning with a fucked up sleep schedule yet again. Sugar-crash naps only last a couple hours... then I bounce awake and can't get back to sleep for several more hours. Stupid stupid stupid! Oh and guess what? Turns out BOTH my parents are Type 2 diabetic! And yet here I sit with sugar crashes. Idiot! Imbecile!
Well when I woke up from the crash I noticed my sink is all stopped up again. So to distract myself today I'll take it apart and try to get it working again. The pipes really need repplacing but I just don't have the money. If I lived on my own I wouldn't even be able to afford my phone. That's just reality for the poorer classes in this economy. Wonder how much money i'd save if I starved? Or hell just cut out the damn poppycock!
Slight rant... I get really pissed at some of the food stamp people in my area. Some of them do work.... and as little as my work pays i'd be on food stamps too if I lived alone.but....
Some of these food stamp peeps seem proud to be lazy!
They come in with super long nails that are all airbrushed and they push buttons with the knuckles because the nails are so long they block the fingertips. How do these women even clean themselves after using the toilet? Yuck! Let alone do anything even resembling a job! And even worse is when you can tell the nails are real and were actually grown out that long because of how they curl randomly all over the place.
And just why do they expect ME to know how many food stamps they have left on their stamp cards? Do your own damn accounting, lazy!
I also wonder how someone supposedly poor on food stamps could be so damn fat. It' always easy to not eat at work because I've got reverse thinspo plopping all over the damn place. Now add those nails to such a fat body and it's no wonder many of those women smell.
Ugh.. and then they use food stamps and it's like seriously? My tax dollars are supportting this? Yuck and yuck and damn it how dare they maybe the food stamp program needs an overhaul!
Ok rant over.
I feel a little better.
Then I fucked up again. Damn chocolate cravings. Why am I so weak? Had some truffles.. like 9.. and then poppycock! I am not buying poppycock ever again. It's fucking addicting. Can't stop with just a few bites oh no. And then of course I crashed off the sugar less than an hour later. So here I am. Awake at dark o'clock in the morning with a fucked up sleep schedule yet again. Sugar-crash naps only last a couple hours... then I bounce awake and can't get back to sleep for several more hours. Stupid stupid stupid! Oh and guess what? Turns out BOTH my parents are Type 2 diabetic! And yet here I sit with sugar crashes. Idiot! Imbecile!
Well when I woke up from the crash I noticed my sink is all stopped up again. So to distract myself today I'll take it apart and try to get it working again. The pipes really need repplacing but I just don't have the money. If I lived on my own I wouldn't even be able to afford my phone. That's just reality for the poorer classes in this economy. Wonder how much money i'd save if I starved? Or hell just cut out the damn poppycock!
Slight rant... I get really pissed at some of the food stamp people in my area. Some of them do work.... and as little as my work pays i'd be on food stamps too if I lived alone.but....
Some of these food stamp peeps seem proud to be lazy!
They come in with super long nails that are all airbrushed and they push buttons with the knuckles because the nails are so long they block the fingertips. How do these women even clean themselves after using the toilet? Yuck! Let alone do anything even resembling a job! And even worse is when you can tell the nails are real and were actually grown out that long because of how they curl randomly all over the place.
And just why do they expect ME to know how many food stamps they have left on their stamp cards? Do your own damn accounting, lazy!
I also wonder how someone supposedly poor on food stamps could be so damn fat. It' always easy to not eat at work because I've got reverse thinspo plopping all over the damn place. Now add those nails to such a fat body and it's no wonder many of those women smell.
Ugh.. and then they use food stamps and it's like seriously? My tax dollars are supportting this? Yuck and yuck and damn it how dare they maybe the food stamp program needs an overhaul!
Ok rant over.
I feel a little better.
Monday, October 4, 2010
I feel so siiiiiick. And I have no one to blame but myself.
The 65cal protein and go ggreens from earlier was followed by an 80cal soup at hand... and that should have been it. But nooooo.. @8pm the painkillers fully kicked in. No more cramps. Some small hunger and Huge chocolate craving. Had some popppycock. More york and almond joy pieces... two russel stover coconut cream chocolate pumpkins... a baby ruth bar(yuck!)
And 3 lil white chocolate truffles (my fave)
I deserve to feel sick. Am lying in my nice warm bed hoping I don't throw up. I had no milk during this horrid binge. Should go get a cup as it always settles my stomach.
And I am not buying any more chocolate unless it's those expensive truffles. They cost too much to buy often and they taste truely divine. Now That is a proper splurge.
Especially since earlier today I dropped more money on a drugstore dot com order to get more go greens. Those things are not cheap either. I don't have the money to waste buying chocolate that I only kinda like! Halloween is not far away! If I don't have to work then I wanna look GOOD for the party! It doesn't matter how cheap the on-sale chocolate is! If I don't absolutely love it then I need to resist. Think of my costume.
Think of avoiding diabetes! What the hell is wrong with me? Bad bad bad! Ugh! So disgusted with myself! I wasn't even very hungry! I should have at least gone the cereal route! But no instead I had to risk my life by shooting the blood sugar up!
I need to go to bed earlier. These sugar binges seem to happen late at night.
The 65cal protein and go ggreens from earlier was followed by an 80cal soup at hand... and that should have been it. But nooooo.. @8pm the painkillers fully kicked in. No more cramps. Some small hunger and Huge chocolate craving. Had some popppycock. More york and almond joy pieces... two russel stover coconut cream chocolate pumpkins... a baby ruth bar(yuck!)
And 3 lil white chocolate truffles (my fave)
I deserve to feel sick. Am lying in my nice warm bed hoping I don't throw up. I had no milk during this horrid binge. Should go get a cup as it always settles my stomach.
And I am not buying any more chocolate unless it's those expensive truffles. They cost too much to buy often and they taste truely divine. Now That is a proper splurge.
Especially since earlier today I dropped more money on a drugstore dot com order to get more go greens. Those things are not cheap either. I don't have the money to waste buying chocolate that I only kinda like! Halloween is not far away! If I don't have to work then I wanna look GOOD for the party! It doesn't matter how cheap the on-sale chocolate is! If I don't absolutely love it then I need to resist. Think of my costume.
Think of avoiding diabetes! What the hell is wrong with me? Bad bad bad! Ugh! So disgusted with myself! I wasn't even very hungry! I should have at least gone the cereal route! But no instead I had to risk my life by shooting the blood sugar up!
I need to go to bed earlier. These sugar binges seem to happen late at night.
Ugh and ow... well the bleeding finally started.
That's probably why I'm down a whole pound and a half. Dumped some of the water I've been retaining. Ugh.. this is really the sucky part about being female. My daily weights will only be accurate ffor about half the month. The water weight fluctuations screw up the other half.and I need motrin like now. Cramping sucks. Kills the appetite tho. I put some protein powder and half a go greens in my waterbottle and called it a meal. About 65cals. And I haven't even started it. I will have to drink some milk with the motrin or it will upset my stomach and I'm in enough pain damnit. In pain an very tired. Just wanna sleep all day. At least I don't work til tomorrow.
And that right foot is hurting again. Sigh.
Found Hungry for Change. (Hungryforchangefast.blogspot.com I think) and I really like that idea. I haven't fasted in years tho... unless you count the very short fasts when damn bleeding kills mmy appetite. That seems like cheating. And wow I'm tired. Sigh.
That's probably why I'm down a whole pound and a half. Dumped some of the water I've been retaining. Ugh.. this is really the sucky part about being female. My daily weights will only be accurate ffor about half the month. The water weight fluctuations screw up the other half.and I need motrin like now. Cramping sucks. Kills the appetite tho. I put some protein powder and half a go greens in my waterbottle and called it a meal. About 65cals. And I haven't even started it. I will have to drink some milk with the motrin or it will upset my stomach and I'm in enough pain damnit. In pain an very tired. Just wanna sleep all day. At least I don't work til tomorrow.
And that right foot is hurting again. Sigh.
Found Hungry for Change. (Hungryforchangefast.blogspot.com I think) and I really like that idea. I haven't fasted in years tho... unless you count the very short fasts when damn bleeding kills mmy appetite. That seems like cheating. And wow I'm tired. Sigh.
Ahhhh nice warm comfy bed. Fleece and heat and purrsy kitty beside me. I gotta forgive her for pissing on my scale cuz she's so sweet and soft fur and cute and she doesn't like to see me sad. Ha! Maybe that's why she peed on the scale... cuz the number on that scale was bumming me out! The new scale is up on the top shelf in cupboard... and she's already giving it the side-eye awww my lil sweetie.
Anyway here I am and I can't sleep. Probably because I slept too late today (yesterday at this point) I am sleeping in some black pants I found. I thought they were sweatpants by their drawstring.. but they are made of thin and yet sturdy linen. They are insanely comfy even tho they do give me polterwang (I love that word... always makes me smile and I describes certain clothing situations so well!)
So here I am... trying to fall asleep. Calm piano stuff on playlist. I envy my cat her ability to fall asleep so easily
Ok... foodwise I ate a 350cal tv dinner and was seen. Also had a few bites of those almond joy pieces (you know like reeses pieces only almond joy) and a few york peppermint pieces. I prefer the york. Not sure of exact intake but I still had no appetite so I didn't eat much. I sometimes feel what seems to be a very brief hunger pang but it's so fleeting I can't fully tell. Still crazy thirsty. Still retaining water. Ugh wish this would hurry up and be done with.
Probably gonna read the old EGS comics on phone here until I'm ready to sleep. I looooves Ellen and Nanse. Ellen and Nanase forever! If the author ever separates those two then I am done with that comic! I do adore all the couples... all the characters actually.. but of course I'm gonna adore the girl-girl couple. Anyway they are at egscomics.com if anyone is curious. I admit the storylines range from silly to ridiculous but I like silly and I have totally come to love the characters. Also... Ellen and Nanase forever!
(And just for fun.. I'm gonna trim my bangs a bit and wear my hair in a Nanase-esque ponytail. She didn't have that hairstyle very long but I think it would look cute on me.)
Anyway here I am and I can't sleep. Probably because I slept too late today (yesterday at this point) I am sleeping in some black pants I found. I thought they were sweatpants by their drawstring.. but they are made of thin and yet sturdy linen. They are insanely comfy even tho they do give me polterwang (I love that word... always makes me smile and I describes certain clothing situations so well!)
So here I am... trying to fall asleep. Calm piano stuff on playlist. I envy my cat her ability to fall asleep so easily
Ok... foodwise I ate a 350cal tv dinner and was seen. Also had a few bites of those almond joy pieces (you know like reeses pieces only almond joy) and a few york peppermint pieces. I prefer the york. Not sure of exact intake but I still had no appetite so I didn't eat much. I sometimes feel what seems to be a very brief hunger pang but it's so fleeting I can't fully tell. Still crazy thirsty. Still retaining water. Ugh wish this would hurry up and be done with.
Probably gonna read the old EGS comics on phone here until I'm ready to sleep. I looooves Ellen and Nanse. Ellen and Nanase forever! If the author ever separates those two then I am done with that comic! I do adore all the couples... all the characters actually.. but of course I'm gonna adore the girl-girl couple. Anyway they are at egscomics.com if anyone is curious. I admit the storylines range from silly to ridiculous but I like silly and I have totally come to love the characters. Also... Ellen and Nanase forever!
(And just for fun.. I'm gonna trim my bangs a bit and wear my hair in a Nanase-esque ponytail. She didn't have that hairstyle very long but I think it would look cute on me.)
Sunday, October 3, 2010
And seeing a comment from O.G. just reminded me... I did get a new scale. And it is digital. It's a store brand... the very store where I work. I guess the quality is ok.. it gave me the same reading that R's scale gave me. Not really ready to give out the number tho... *shame*
Back to that handy calorie deficit tool that O.G. found.
And I am taking full advantage of my lack of appetite today.
Back to that handy calorie deficit tool that O.G. found.
And I am taking full advantage of my lack of appetite today.
Actually had to go thru old posts to figure out last "monthly gift". So yea... it does make sense that I feel it coming again. Got all the signs (guy readers may want to skip.. or maybe everyone will)..
Got the retaining water. Am constantly thirsty but don't need to pee. Got the exhaustion and spots and tender tiny breasts. Once the actual red hits then the discomfort is over... just yucky is left. Ugh.. this is the only thing I hate about being female.
Anyway... had too much chocolate last night and crashed off the sugar and was generally exhausted. I slept nearly all day. Thus far only had the last 4 or 5 pieces of poppycock (chocolate lovers ofc) and lots of water. My energy is slowly climbing as the hours go on. Gee... maybe I should eat less sugar... duhhhhh.. moron.
Doing a wee bit of cleaning. Just have to dig out the electric matress pad and change the bedsheets. I know that shivering burns calories... but on me it also causes painful back spasms. And spasms at night keep me from sleeping. I can deal with a spasm during the day. I need my sleep. Low sleep causes weight gain. Shiver during the day if you want. But have a warm comfy bed so you can benefit from the cortisol-lowering effects of a full 8 hours whenever possible.
I am a bit cold right now. My fingernails are pinkish purple. If I get any colder I will get a spasm. Sooo... gotta keep moving :)
Got the retaining water. Am constantly thirsty but don't need to pee. Got the exhaustion and spots and tender tiny breasts. Once the actual red hits then the discomfort is over... just yucky is left. Ugh.. this is the only thing I hate about being female.
Anyway... had too much chocolate last night and crashed off the sugar and was generally exhausted. I slept nearly all day. Thus far only had the last 4 or 5 pieces of poppycock (chocolate lovers ofc) and lots of water. My energy is slowly climbing as the hours go on. Gee... maybe I should eat less sugar... duhhhhh.. moron.
Doing a wee bit of cleaning. Just have to dig out the electric matress pad and change the bedsheets. I know that shivering burns calories... but on me it also causes painful back spasms. And spasms at night keep me from sleeping. I can deal with a spasm during the day. I need my sleep. Low sleep causes weight gain. Shiver during the day if you want. But have a warm comfy bed so you can benefit from the cortisol-lowering effects of a full 8 hours whenever possible.
I am a bit cold right now. My fingernails are pinkish purple. If I get any colder I will get a spasm. Sooo... gotta keep moving :)
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Ok then... so can I hit 1900? Oh yea... do I feel gorged? A bit... yea..
Eating like that is probably how I got overweight.. that baked potato w sloppy joe meat and sour cream was good tho. And at least I didn't gorge on chocolate. Small good there. Actually didn't have any chocolate at all... so now I can tell myself "see? You can live without chocolate".
Anyway... I noticed that I have followers again. Hiiiii! I had one follower but she left... and now I have 2 new ones. And Opera Ghost (gauntvisage.blogspot.com... no he doesn't follow my blog but I wanna give a shoutout cuz he found a handy tool) posted a blog of his own that links to a very handy calorie deficit calculator. I used it of course.. and a 1800 baseline will give me a modest deficit but I think I want a bigger deficit.
Anyway... stayed up all friggin night playing computer games for the first time since that puter virus.. and then glanced over a few gossip sites. My fave is Dlisted he makes me laugh. I also like how he's not lesbophobic like a lot of gay male gossip writers. One gay male gossiper is so lesbophobic I boycott his site and won't even mention his name.
But I like dlisted. Even when I disagree with him I still laugh.
The bad part about being awake all this time is morning hunger pangs and today's a Burn day. Got my trusty protein powder is my equally trusty blendeerbottle and it does lower the pangs to a nagging whisper rather than a roar. And I am sleepy! I go in late and get off work late so guess it won't hurt to sleep later than usual. Beyond that not much to say...
Oh.. need to get a new scale. Damn cat... either I weigh 80 lbs or my cat killed my scale with her acidic kittypiss. I figure it's the cat. So I need a new scale. Guess I'll get a digital. Might as well. Just must not store it on the floor!
Eating like that is probably how I got overweight.. that baked potato w sloppy joe meat and sour cream was good tho. And at least I didn't gorge on chocolate. Small good there. Actually didn't have any chocolate at all... so now I can tell myself "see? You can live without chocolate".
Anyway... I noticed that I have followers again. Hiiiii! I had one follower but she left... and now I have 2 new ones. And Opera Ghost (gauntvisage.blogspot.com... no he doesn't follow my blog but I wanna give a shoutout cuz he found a handy tool) posted a blog of his own that links to a very handy calorie deficit calculator. I used it of course.. and a 1800 baseline will give me a modest deficit but I think I want a bigger deficit.
Anyway... stayed up all friggin night playing computer games for the first time since that puter virus.. and then glanced over a few gossip sites. My fave is Dlisted he makes me laugh. I also like how he's not lesbophobic like a lot of gay male gossip writers. One gay male gossiper is so lesbophobic I boycott his site and won't even mention his name.
But I like dlisted. Even when I disagree with him I still laugh.
The bad part about being awake all this time is morning hunger pangs and today's a Burn day. Got my trusty protein powder is my equally trusty blendeerbottle and it does lower the pangs to a nagging whisper rather than a roar. And I am sleepy! I go in late and get off work late so guess it won't hurt to sleep later than usual. Beyond that not much to say...
Oh.. need to get a new scale. Damn cat... either I weigh 80 lbs or my cat killed my scale with her acidic kittypiss. I figure it's the cat. So I need a new scale. Guess I'll get a digital. Might as well. Just must not store it on the floor!
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