history repeats (long entry, like book-long)

I seem to have a bit of a cold or something and I slept most of the day.
And when I finally woke up in late afternoon and realized I wasn't hungry... I read Regzig's blog. She mentioned ketosis so I spent most of my waking hours surfing the net for info on ketosis. I found myself thinking that if I have slipped into ketosis that this could be a serious boon to my weight loss efforts. Sleeping=fasting since I am not one of those poor souls who eat while fast asleep.
I only feel brief hunger that comes and goes. At the moment I'm not hungry at all.
So I am fighting a cold or something and rather than make myself eat so I keep my strength up... I think of using this as a dieting springboard.
That is disordered thinking. Sigh. And I've been down this road before. I know exactly where it ends.

When I was young I lived in an abusive household. Daddie dearest liked to hit. He also liked to break shit. And the stepdaddie dearest who came after was not much better. Stepdaddie didn't hit... but he did enjoy yelling late at night about how my mom was a fat slob and about how *i* would never be good for anything but sex.
Imagine hearing that when you're 14.
And mom didn't defend me. Part of me understands that arguing would have made it worse... but part of me also wants her still to tell him to shut the fuck up. She did finally dump his worthless ass but I was in college by then.
And she's friends with him now... and doesn't understand why I "hold a grudge" against him.yea...
And she tried to make me his personal Cinderella. As if by making me his slave she could "prove" that I was good for more than just sex.
That fucktard couldn't even be bothered to rinse his own damn whiskers down the sink after shaving. I had to do it. Nor could he be bothered to reheat his own food in the microwave. I had to do it. I often thought about poisoning him but I was afraid of jail.

Ana was my safe place, my refuge, at least ana was reciprocal. Ana was predictable.
And no one questioned me. My stick thin state was written off to the growth spurts of puberty.
No one noticed. Not a single human being stepped in.
So..... God did. I really believe that. Ana Regzig wrote about her faith often. Perhaps that's another reason her blog, now so old, still inspires me. Among many other things that still seem too personal to share right now... there was a soft Voice in the back of my head that would gently ask me why I should punish myself because someone else was cruel to me.
So I lived.

And now I feel that old road beckoning.. the siren ana singing. It was always about control. I couldn't control my mom's bad taste in men, but I could control my eating..
I can't control the assholes at that "church". I can't control if Don't Ask Don't Tell is ever thrown away and I can't control the bullying tha drove the gay teens to commit suicide.
But I can control my eating. It's the one thing I can always control.
And it's like the Voice is back... why punish myself for what others have done to me?

Today thus far I've had 2 bottles of water and a single slice of turkey. Truth. I don't want to eat. The disordered thinking is strong. Gotta lose weight. Gotta be small. Maybe if I look delicate enough the "church" will feel bad. (Yea right... they have no conscience!)
And a gentle urge "eat something".
I don't wanna. I want ketosis. I want to be a fat-burning machine. In ketosis you don't eat the muscle up. The body breaks the fat cells down to preserve muscle. It's simple evolution really. To find food you need brain, heart, muscles... ketosis is your body dealing with starvation in a way that tries to preserve your ability to find food.
I want ketosis.
"There is tuna in the cupboard".
And tuna is on the ok list for ketosis. So I took a can. Forgot the can opener and a fork tho. Trying to psyche myself up to go get them.
Weight still steady at this damn plateau. And the uncle is still up and on the computer. *he* doesn't have to work tomorrow. How am I supposed to get shit up here?
Already have a can opener...one of those as seen on tv things that was on clearance and we had no power when I got it. The power outage was over before I used it. Been sitting there for months. And I got batteries. Just need fork.. can get it when I switch water bottles. Just hold it against the bottle. He's not that observant. He's also very self-absorbed. Won't notice a fork. Sure would've noticed a can opening tho heh heh. God provides.
Got it. Even grabbed the other tuna can. I changed pants so I had pockets. Clean getaway.
Sadly I didn't think to check if we have eggs. Eggs are ketosis-friendly breakfast.
Oh well I'll just nosh on the sliced lunchmeat if I have to. And the sliced cheese.
K night. The catpan needs to be changed before I can sleep but I will eat the tuna, promise.