Going thru the cal count today I did hit just over 900. Mainly because of the damn reese cups. A mere 2 cups is 210cals. Without them i'd have been mid-800s (maybe lower but not sure about the sloppy joe count). I put sloppy joe overtop of my veggies.. raw veggies at that. Wanted the protein but didn't measure very well. My bad.
So 900 is doable... we'll see about 1900. If I can't do it without feeling like I'm gorging then screw trying that for a week. I'll shrink the baseline that very night. I don't mind feeling a little hungry. It means everything is working.
Now if only I could conquer the damn sweet tooth. The lil pastillines do help a lot.. but sometimes I just want chocolate! Ugh!
If nothing else... dumping the belly fat = lot less back pain.
I must have an unconscious death wish. Off to do some crunches and basic pilates before bed.and meditating on how diabetes runs in the fam. Lose. Weight lose weight. Lower weight = longer life. Better life.

Research is continuing at a fair pace, considering I've never done this before. The Allure article I mentioned... the lady lost a staggering 60 lbs in just the first month. It did slow down after that but if I understand the article right she still lost an average of 2 or 3 a day. 2 or 3 a day... wow. And a quote from the article about why Sorrenti's method is different (like the fast weight loss somehow didn't make it different?)
"You are giving your body everything it needs to function well."
"You are losing weight not because you are depriving yourself, but because your body has all the right substances"
So... yea... I've been digging up BMR calculators and looking at protein and calcium requirements etc etc. And something called Chronic Metabolic Acidosis. And stuff that is probably all overkill.
I see my perfectionism trying to bite my ass again. Must remember this diet doesn't need to be perfect before I try it.
So according to the BMR formulas my body needs between 1820 and 1870 calories to maintain current weight and function normally.
WHAT?! O_O wow that's a lot. Breathe.... breathe...

Ok..I'm already overweight so that means I must have been eating even more than that. Ok... so let's try a very small reduction of 1800/day. But that's only half the idea. Gonna calorie-cycle. (The famous 2468 diet is an example of calorie-cycling) beginner cycling (me) is some days you do half your regular intake and other days you do a little more than regular/baseline intake.
So.. baseline 1800. (Breathe..) means Burn days are 900... and Eat days are 1900 (oh crap)
Also need to front the calories... no gorging late at night. Always eat some sort of breakfast. Seriously. Wanna know how Sumos eat?

How to eat like a Sumo
1. Skip breakfast because it slows the metabolism.
2. Gorge late in the day.
3. Sleep after you eat.
4. Work out on a starving stomach.
5. Eat socially.

Yea...
Still not sure how much protein I should be taking in. I do want to build some small muscle.. and it's been proven that protein consumption causes fat to burn off while protecting lean muscle. I see my protein powder is gonna be a regular feature. Good thing I like it.
These high cal counts are kinda scary, but at least the cycling brought the weekly total down.
(1900 x 4) + (900 x 3) = 10300. I'll try to do a rough menu that fits this for a week.
I can always shrink it later. I'm already overweight so really... I'm probably already eating more than this and just didn't count it. Bleh.
(Baseline 1800 cals a day x 7 days a week = 12600 cals/week so cycling is better at least)

Sigh.. ok.. and here's the reason I was looking at Vikki Hensley... I went on my ancient computer looking for that story because I thought her inspiring example would help me get back on track.
Also read thru Regzig's entire blog again. Just what is my problem? What the hell is my deal? Ana Regzig can go on 500 cals in a day yet I have trouble staying below 1000? Do I want to become diabetic? Do I enjoy being in pain? I am not supposed to be this damn heavy!
Ugh.. well over 3000cals today. Depression starving seems to have given way to depression eating. This. Is. Not. Ok.
I even took a picture of a quarter resting on my wrist, just to show myself how small my bones really are. Even at 30lbs overweight. I am not build to be this size. End of discussion! I need to crack down!
I've got an Allure mag here, sept 2010 issue, and page 124 starts the article "Model Weight" which is about a woman's super fast and life-changing weight loss journey. I am intrigued by the "chemistry game" that is mentioned but not well described. And Sorrenti's book doesn't come out for awhile. But there are some tidbits... like making all your own food and packing it to take with you. No eating out. No fast food. Instead you carry around lots of plastic containers with the food you made yourself inside. And some days the lady in the article drinks up to a gallon and a half of water per day. Actually reading thru again I think calorie cycling may be a part of the diet... but not all of it. Still.. it gives me an idea to run with. Between this and optimus-ana. I am plotting some ideas out. I've actually never tried to plan my own diet before. I just followed some random track for a book or something. But other people's diets don't work for me. So back to reading Regzig and studying her plans.. and reading other blogs and looking for how they put their plans together.
I am very grateful for this learning opportunity :)

(Later edit: should mention how articles about this lady take the "she is very sick and should be pitied" kind of angle but even with that I think her story is incredible)


Was going thru old computer files and came across a jan 2009 story about another ana saint. You'll have to plug her name into google to find her articles since my ancient computer has no internet.. but from what I can tell she's still alive.. and inspirational. I wish I could have told Ana Regzig about her.
Ana saint Vikki Hensley... who developed anorexia at 12 and currently weighs 5 and a half stone (someone wanna convert that to pounds for dumb american me?)
Vikki is exceptionally bright and ambitious, and dedicated. I seriously have no words.. other than "Wow".

Came back from my walk and went to my room intending to go to bed. Sadly I got called back out to guard this huge pile of hamburger that ma was cooking up to make a small mountain of sloppy joes for a funeral tomorrow. She had to run out to meet the funeral fam again, some distant relatives.. and I guess she couldn't be bothered to put lids on the meat or something. Half the meat was cooked sooo as my payment for being inconvenienced I had a small bowl of plain hamburger meat. She was not amused heh heh. But I think adding sloppy joe mix spoils the taste. I prefe plain meat.
That was not so bad... but she didn't come back and didn't come back. I finished the ice cream. Fortunatly there wasn't much left but still.
And still she didn't come back. Finally I told her to stop being stupid and I put the food away and went back to bed.
So of course she yelled until I woke up and told me to change the litter box.
Umm... fuck that idea.
I hurt that old foot injury...too much walking? Anyway my right foot is a mass of ppain and is currently wrapped in thermacare and a towel. And I am not getting up for at least 8 hours.
I guess my shoes are bad? They are hand-me-downs but were new when I got them eearlier this year.. they are the correct size.. and they are supposedly designed for people on their feet a lot. So I don't get why they seem to damage my feet. I guess I should have worn my gym shoes but I didn't want them waterlogged. Same with my work shoes. I work tomorrow and didn't want to work in still-damp shoes. Maybe I could switch out these shoes with my work shoes? These supposedly orthopedic knockoffs are maybe better for standing on floors than walking on uneven ground? I dunno... I'll think about it.

this site rocks

So I had my long walk and my myoplex bar. Came back and am resting my sore feet while browsing on my lil mobile web.
Found a great site... optimus-ana.blogspot.com
I cannot find the link to follow that blog so just bookmarked it. But had to share! I was thinking about why I should have to choose between being thin and being healthy... because thin really can be healthy. Obesity kills! And obesity kills slowly and it costs money, often paid by us taxpayers when we pay taxes to the welfare funds and medicare etc. Thin is good! But how to be thin without getting sick?
And then I found that site. Happy happy!
I don't know if I'll do the atkins thing... not finding that idea attractive. But the blog has good advice, especially for a blog so small. So wanted to point out that blog, cuz thus far it rocks.

Still depressed as hell. R took me out yesterday to get me distracted from "church" vote and it woked for awhile. Did some shopping and saw the rest of the only mall in my area. Turns out there's a Sephora in there. Rock! R noticed how I do have a mind for brand names after I identified his girlfriend's bra by just peeking at it. How I knew the brand without seeing the tag. He told me maybe I could be a Buyer and he had to explain what that was. Still not sure I understand it either.
He bought me a reeses blizzard at dairy queen which tasted very good. And a cherry limeade from Sonic, also good. Other than that it was bacon cheeseburger w the fam after "church" and a wee bit of ice cream before bed and I was seen eating it. I wasn't eating unless I was with someone.
Still not hungry... just very sad and hurt. I've had enough Health classe to know I should eat something... so had a small 210cal pack of coconut m&ms... my fave. Got a 190cal myoplex lite bar (peanut caramel crisp-super yum) that I'm gonna try to eat before the end of the day.
Stress makes me eat.. but it seems this deep soul-wounded depression kills my appetite. I don't want to do anything except lie here in bed.
Nice day today, chilly without being cold. Sweater weather. About 60 degrees.
Think I'll take a small plastic watter bottle (don't wanna risk losing the blenderbottle) and my phone and keys etc and that myoplex bar and just go wander. Getting out in nature does make me feel better usually.

Small good news.. staying in elca by 151 to 49 (6 no votes).
Badness... second vote was to make it constitution or something to never let a gay pastor in love be pastor at this church. In addition there will be no blessing of same sex unions. And the wording was a true proposition 8. It was awful.. very hard to tell which vote was a vote for equality. I know those fucktards did it on purpose.
But it doesn't matter. Most the "people" here are anti-gay... they're only staying with ELCA for money reasons. And my own grandpa voted to not do gay equality. Ask me now why I don't feel welcome.
.I should not have to "compromise" with bigots. No one should.
Being a minority sucks. Even peeps I thought were gay-friendly signed the petition to create this vote. And yet they're the ones feeling persecuted? Riiiiight. Nazis all of them. You don't compromise with bigots. You tell them they're wrong and you fight them. Jesus didn't even talk about homosexuality... at all. He talked a lot about divorce though... funny these fucktards have no problem blessing second and third marriages for those who divorced. Hypocrites.
Depressed now. Don't want to go out. Sure don't want to eat. Just want to go back to bed. Or maybe drop off the earth. Hearing all these hypocrites sing so joyfully is painful to me. They celebrate denying me happiness. At least I still have the option of finding a REAL church.
Still can't get married legally thanks to fucktards like this though.

I want to leave and never come back. Maybe when all the young people (who could not vote today) are the ones in charge.

Fuck this "church" for they are full of hypocrites and liars and judgemental assholes.

Psalm 69 popped up when I opened book to psalms. Interesting. Verse 4 made me feel like God does know how I feel at least.

waiting for the axe

That's what this feels like.
Am in "church" right now, even tho this place hasn't felt like a church to me for months. The inerim pastor wants the congregation to just move on... but that doesn't tell me if he's gay-friendly or not.
Got dressed in such a rush I forgot my hairpins and even my bra. Have nothing on under my blouse. Granted it's a thick blouse but still...
I wish these fucktards knew how cruel they really are. They talk about how they feel persecuted for their beliefs... yet they don't see why I feel persecuted by them.
They would rather leave the ELCA than have an openly gay pastor in a relationship. They don't thin I'm worthy to serve the Elements (communion). They think any Holy Communion someone like me presides at is void at best, and blasphemy at worst. Yet they don't get why I feel persecuted and unwelcome here.
I have had to try to talk gay kids out of religion-induced suicides. These kids say things like they know they're going to hell. And each day they wake up is just another day of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But mom says i shouldn't rock the boat by pointing shit like this out. Easy for her to say. She's not personally affected. She can just agree to disagree. It bothers me that not even my own mom is trying to understand why this hurts.
And then there is grandpa who doesn't even know I'm gay. And he's here beside me. So if I point out my orientation... or someone else says I'm gay.. I don't know how he'd react. He's so old annd old fashioned.. he still uses n-word to insult someone he doesn't like.
Sigh. I need to get my license and get the fuck out of here. Anywhere but here. There are gay-friendly churches. I need to go be a member of one of them. This place doesn't want me and the "tolerant" people expect me to be grateful that they claim to support me.
Being a minority sucks.

So... sitting here on an empty stomach because I'm too nervous to eat anything.
And it's quite possible I won't be able to eat anything today.
And Ana's siren song is loud enough for me to find my one speck of joy in the idea of eating nothing.

This "church" is toxic.

Gee I wish I knew what I weighed this morning... but the scale didn't work. I picked it up to turn it upside down... and a bunch of cat piss came out! How the hell did my cat pee inside my scale?! Especially since there was no trace of pee on the floor around it!?
I guess my cat likes me as I am. Too bad I'm the boss... (well except when it comes to where she pees I guess... yuck!)
So my scale is set up on its side.the dial is moving again at least.
Left my blenderbottle at work... damnit. I can go get it today. Don't work til tomorrow. My hours were cut a bit and I am just fine with that.
Thinking of going to gym but also very tempted to just go outside and wander in this glorious windy weather. I love mid-temp blustery wind days. Makes me think of Scotland for some reason :)
My ancestral home! Would like to visit someday. I'm just descended from peasants... always been poor.. but i'd still like to see the landscape. It looks so austerely beautiful in the pics I've seen.
Foodwise had small bowl of cereal in a big opaque bowl and made sure I was seen eating.
Then had my protein powder in a tall glass of water. Haven't been hungry since.
Must bring bottle home... and not leave it at work again! Ever again. Working on a diet plan but the blenderbottle is a key part of it!

I hate being deformed.
Even just sitting cross-legged on my bed it's clear I lean more towards one side. Fucked up sppine. Fucked up hips.
The right hipbone is visible now but I really think that's more due to my fucked up, twisted and rotated skeleton than actual weight loss. Still nice to see, I guess.
Hurt my foot again.. I think I have an old stress fracture that just never got treated. Probably from that hard hard work floor. There's a bone just above the arch that sticks out far more on my hurting right foot than it does on my pain-free left foot.
Did get to the gym Monday though... I'm up to 40lbs on some (but not all) of the weight machines. I'd like to try free weights but the machines help my twisted form stay properly aligned. Oh well. Better than nothing.
Damn scale has held steady all week though. That frustrates me to no end. Especially since some of my work pants are getting looser. Some.. but not all.
Been looking at thinspo and noticing my double reaction. On one hand I do see most of those girls as beautiful. But on the other hand they are not sexy to me. Here's the problem: if I'm not turned on by those images, then it's possible other lesbians won't be turned on by me if I. Do manage to look like that.
And then there's me wanted to defend myself against physical attack. The rape attempt was years ago but I still have nightmares about it.
So I'm torn. I know I want this wretched weight to decrease but I don't have a goal weight.
Bah I'm probably making things too complicated again. (Heh.. the first gf actually claimed Avril's song Complicated reeminded her of me. She called it my theme. Ugh)
Just drop some pounds and worry about when to stop later. Judging by the scale, I havvent even started.

The siren's song is loud right now. Because I feel helpless and powerless. Ana's call is always louder when I feel powerless. The fact that at least I have some power over my eating.
Next week the chuch that tacitly kicked me out is going to vote on whether or not to leave the ELCA. They feel that allowing gay pastors to be in loving relationships is actually against God's will. And since the ELCA recently voted to allow (but not force) churches to have gay couples.... welll.. yea.
So I don't feel welcome there.
And now mom and uncle (who has kiddieporn issues) are telling me I'm too cynical. That I need to stop taking this personally.
Right... here's why it's personal:
These fucktards use their civil right to vote to block my civil right to marry.
These fucktards base their votes on their religious beliefs.
Their religion is dictating the secular laws I'm required to follow. They're forcing me to live according to their beliefs, not my own.
They have control over very personal aspects of my life. How can I not take it personally?
The question they should really ask is why do THEY take it so personally? If their marriage is threatened by my relationship with another woman, then their marriage was never that strong to begin with.
They need to go fuck themselves.

Ugh ugh and more ugh. I feel like a pig!
Ok I knew i'd eat lots yesterday as it was my best friend R's birthday party. Soooo fun. Saw people I hadn't seen in foreverand even tried sushi! It was babystep sushi.. a california roll (loved!) And a tuna roll (bit spicy) but baby steps. Sushi is very much a texture thing. It also tasted way better than it smelled. It smelled like the pond the family dog swam in when I was little. Ha!
Then we went to the one mall in my town and I hadn't been there in years. Wow it got big! And I did end up shopping. Found a black skirt ( I needed one anyway) and a lovely blouse and an. Adorable lil bill cap and .. my first I heart ronson piece... a cute coat that is surprisingly warm. It looks a lot lighter than it is. I still think Ronson is way overpriced... even her JCPenney line can hit 80 to 100 dollars. But that girl makes NICE coats. Cute and solidly made and warm! I'm gonna wear my new stuff to church tomorrow. Maybe if I'm pretty the anti-gay assholes will feel guilty a little bit?
No... I don't think so either.
Also good talking with R again... he always was my common sense. He also makes me feel beautiful. Too bad I'm gay... sigh. He's such a great guy and always makes me feel beautiful.
And we do talk weight and body issues. I am a good 20-30 lbs overweight. Dear boy says I carry it well. I still want it gone. He keeps me from doing anything really harmful. He also reminds me of all the reasons to love my body. I'm not just overweight..I also have physical deformities. He still calls me beautiful. And for all my deformities... I do have a good and dear little body. The weight loss needs to come from a desire to take care of my little form. I am built to be small. I am small boned and I don't build muscle easy. And weighing less would lessen my pain even though my deformities would be more visible.
Sigh...
I have to have an idea of beauty that I can attain. I will never be model-gorgeous. I am deformed and twisted. There is a lump in my back and one hip sticks out much further than the other. . .I can still aim for something.. still stumble towards something resembling perfection.. right?

Today though there was no excuse for the pigging out.I even bought chocolate and now have chocolate at home! Bad me! No wonder I'm back up 3lbs. Moron. But R would want me healthy. He's got my back and wants to help me lose weight... and he'll point out when (or if?) I go too far.
I need to love myself. How can I expect to find a girlfriend if I don't believe I can be loved?

Today could have been a good day.
When I got off work i'd only taken in 160 cals. Add a 350 tv dinner (that I made sure I was seen eating). And some milk I was only 660ish.
Then the mom came home and the nagging started. And was incessant.
What about school. When am I graduating. Why aren't I driving yet. Dammit change the litterpan. What am I going to do with my life.

To be fair, the damn cats actually *rippped up* the liner I had taped down then they shit directly on my carpet. They ripped up the plastic I taped down around the pan. I tried to keep it clean. The pan itslef was barely used.

And I don't know what I want to do with my life. And the more she nags the more stressed I get. I binged to damn near 2000cals today. Or maybe over. Hell I don't know. And all after 9pm. Fuck. Am currently fighting the urge to eat more.

At least I have tomorrow off. Finally. Want to take long walk in this gorgeous autumn weather. Will hit gym at some point. I infinetly prefer the gym showers. Water pressure!

Thurs is next workday. So it can be a burn day. With any luck I'll be able to skip dinner which would keep the planned calorie count at 160. Hmmm... I'll add another green packet for dinner. So 190. My first sub-200 day if I can do it. If I can get away with it.

Today was supposed to be a Feed day. Also known as eat lots so metabolism doesn't start thinking that low-cal is the new reality. Basically I'm trying to calorie-cycle. To keep my metabolism from slowing. I'm not sure if I really ate enough... but I don't feel hungry so I'm hoping tha's a good sign.
Between closing last night and opening today... I crashed when I got home and slept the rest of the day away. Now I can't go back to sleep. Oops.

Tomorrow is yet another work day... its also a Burn day. Gonna aim for sub-800. I managed it last time I tried. My secrets are those little to go powder packets... and the fact that I work in retail. I rarely get an uninterrupted break.
Ok must try to sleep or I'll be dead on my feet tomorrow.

For breakfast I measured out 3/4 cup of mesa sunrise (an organic cereal I found online)
Ate it dry. No milk.
100 cals
At work I had only the teaberry.. which says on the box that its 20 cals per packet. Only had the one packet.
Drank water after.
Read Ana Regzig during lunch while finishing the teaberry.
Had a microwave dinner at home. 330 cals
Had about a 3/4 cup of cheddar chex mix (premixed bag... I'm not a fan. Prefer the original) so between 130 and 160.
Small cup milk to settle stomach. 80 cals.
I'm not sure why milk settles my stomach, but it does.
So between 660 and 690 cals today.
So under or about 700. Not bad.
Didn't go to gym though. Had full shift at work. Its retail so I'm on my feet and moving a fair amount though. Got my trusty blenderbottle with cold cold water. No added powders til tomorrow. Also have the little pastillines tin. If I were to eat an entire tin it would be 240cals.
But I have no sugar cravings right now. The tin is here in case that changesm. Mostly I'm just thirsty. Probably all the salt in the chex mix.
Bedtime approaches. I have to work the early shift tomorrow. Time to wash face, brush teeth and put a soft lullaby on the computer.

Was 2 lbs down this morning thanks to yesterday. I just don't get hungry during heavy cramping days so I only took in about 300cals.

But today the cramping is nearly gone and I've got hunger hunger hunger instead.
Got my teaberry slim-energy here at work. Its got some caffiene though so I should finish it before 6 or I won't sleep tonight.
Then I'll just refill my blenderbottle with cold water. I'm on the floor (yay! I can walk around!) So I can keep my bottle cold in the work fridge.will try to be sub-800 today. And the less I eat at work, the more "normal-sized" portion I can eat at home where I can be seen.
I miss birth control. I didn't gain weight when I went on it... I gained when I went off it! And I got my skin problems backtoo, tho not as bad as they were when I was younger.
Still... wish I could afford birth control. I'm gay... so its not like I need it to avoid pregnancy.

(Again cursing mobile posting...)

Continued from below...

Anas are just trying to cope with these social conditions. I think Anas are the manifestations of the contradictions of a society which is designed to produce mostly losers (no pun intended... I think)
Appearence-based judgements are so rampant... so why isit a shock that there's a growing community trying to control thei appearance?
Is beibg ana really worse than... plastic surgery? Because plastic surgery is really common. And sometimes those who get it are applauded. Because they "did it for them". Yet a little Ana is not allowed to be ana for herself. Wtf?

This post/these two posts seem to ramble... I'm just sick of the hypocrisy. Anas should be left alone the same as anyone else who alters their body by choice. Her body= her choice.

I've been thinking about how society defines "anorexia" and "anorexic". I don't mean the medical journals. I don't know anything about medical. I mean pop culture. The tabloids with thei "Best and Worst Beach Bodies" and the gossip sites with their rabid forums "omg she is like toooo skinny" and the women's mags "Walk off the Pounds" articles while there's a pic of a cake on the cover. Mags aimed at moms are particularly cruel that way.
And mags aimed at presumed-single and no kids crowd have the drop-weight-fast cleanses etc.

Hi. My name is Honor, and I live in America. And the US of A is fucking bipolar about women and our bodies.

In Fashion women are dressing all sexy and on TV and in movies women are sexy and have sex yet in the real world. The health care systems won't pay for abortions and most insurance refuses to pay for birth control unless the doctor says its needed for a reason other than just as birth control.

Women who run cooking shows tend to be thin. Men who run cooking shows don't have the same pressure to be thin.
The double standards drive me crazy.
Males get to joke about PMS but it's "tasteless" for a woman to joke about "erectile dysfunction"
When Hilary Clinton was running people said PMS or menopause might affect her performance.. wtf?? But being too old to get the penis up doesn't make a male less qualified?

We women are always being judged based on our bodies. And when a woman tried to take control of her own body she is punished. A woman who doesn't want sex is "frigid" or has some "arousal disorder". Yet a woman who goes out seeking sex is a "slut" "whore" etc.
A woman who is fat is called "lazy" yet a woman who is thin is called "anorexic".

And yet what does every diet book say?
Measure your food. Count your calories. Exercise and keep track of how much you burn.
These are the things that anas do and do well. So dieters are told to do the same calorie watching that anas do. The same exercise calorieburn tracking that anas do. Just don't turn ana.
But every diet out there teaches how to be ana.
And the "doctors" wonder why anas "relapse".
It is our culture... created by all humans with emphasis on male desires... that is to blame.
American culture is based on appealing to the beasts within. Women are consumed.

seeking comfort

Reading Ana Regzig's old words again. How she could fast so easily until 5pm hit then BAM! Hungry!
I know how that feels. I had a late shift today so I lasted until 8 but then I turned into a scavenger bird. Sigh.
Chocolate... I absolutly crave it right now.unquenchably. damn monthly bleeding.
Binges suck. Actually managing to brake a binge halfway thru only sucks a lil less. Still sucks. Damn near ate half the M&Ms bag. Could probably have eaten it all. Then I had an idea. Got 12oz milk (2% no less) and put in a full protein powder scoop. The directions say 1 scoop for 6-8 ozs... I can't even imagine that. It's sooooo rich at 12 oz!. And there are some tiny clumps that won't dissolve because there's not enough milk for it all! It tastes like nesquik to me. (I have a chocolate flavor protein powder... it's made by Body Fortress... cheapest I could find.)

Between the full scoop and the milk I'm probably looking at a good 200cals. But at least the chocolate craving is fading
And honestly... it won't be quite a full scoop next time. I don't like clumps.

trim energy tastes pretty good

The To Go trim energy tastes pretty good. Am out driving right now.. mom's got some errands and am waiting for her.
Tghe trim energy say it is teaberry flavor. Probably why I called it slim berry sometimes. I used it full strenght in 20oz in my dear blenderbottle. It does make me feel more thirsty but I can deal with that. Just alternate with plain cold water. And it has high b12 and some fiber. So that's energy and filling. Good stuff.

Just wanted to share :)

just found........

... the scoop for the protein powder. It was really buried in that huge jar. Wow! That's what 140cals of powder is?! I've been taking like 40cals then! The scoop I've been using is from an old fruit drink mix for kids... and is about 1/4 the size of the protein powder's scoop. This rocks! That means my daily shakes were actually closer to 55 calories than 155... that's a huge difference! Hooray!
Wow... and that huge scoop is for a mere 8 ounces of water??! I bet that's rich. Maybe to kill a chocolate craving sometime :)

ok slight correction..

Ok so the new To Go variety I got is actually called trimenergy. Oops.
Oh well... important thing is I got it.
Also got something I forgot I ordered. These adorable little bitty candy tins called La Vie Pastillines. They're little hard candys in adorable pocket-sized tins. 3 pieces is 20 calories and there's a lot of lil pieces. I like the lemon ones best. I bought these tins in a pack of 5 for something like $7 from drugstore (dot) com. I had no idea what they'd be like. I like them. I think I saw a lemon only option so next time I'll get one.
And I do want to give a shoutout to drugstore (dot) com.. I live in a junk food area so the internet shopping is often my lifeline.
And wow these itty bitty candies are really good at killing sweet cravings. I wish I could have told Ana about them. I am now at the point where I want only another glass of water. Granted I had 4 of the tiny things instead of 3 but still... wow. I am happy with this purchase!

i am weak.

Part is wanting no one asking questions. Part is my own confliction over thin vs muscle. And ppart is how sometimes I just enjoy food. White chocolate is a main weakness. I bet if I ever had sushi that might become a weakness too. Maybe it's good I live in the middle of nowhere.
I ate. Had some cereal and then the new chips ahoy, the heath variety and the reeses variety. I prefer the reeses. At least it wasn't a huge binge. Am already feeling like I could eat more. Not a huge fan of the cookies tho. So those will go to other family members. Am thirsty too. Need a new water bottle. Too much sugar. Sigh. Bad me. Do I WANT to be diabetic or something? Cuz that's where I'm heading at this weight.
At least my package arrived today. Finally! More Green Envy and the new trimberry from the go greens people. A new variety to try.
Another potential problem... I like trying new things. Including new foods. After reading Ana's blog I located some soup-at-hand. The chicken and stars. I need to try it soon so I can get more if I like it before the sale ends. I also found that lipton makes lil Cup O Soup packets that I want to try. Calorie count is higher though. They're not a diet food. But I sooo love hot liquids in cold weather and soup is better than hot chocolate. And it'd be a very easy meal.
Oh wow.. mother nature's monthly gift is on its way... and I do crave more during that time. Must brainstorm ways to cope that won't add pounds.
I don't know what is with the timestamps on these posts. Its after midnight... oh well.
I do wish I didn't have to post mobile so much... but its much more private that way. Tradeoff for the bad spelling and grammar and being unable to fix mistakes I guess.

sigh

Staying an extra hour at work. Hey its money right? Sigh... so tired. Anyway.

Am trying to avoid about half my bookmarks cuz I am weird about something...

One of my celebrity crushes is Samantha Ronson... and I know she dated lindsay lohan. Here's the weird: from late 2008 to most of 2009 and even early 2010 their relationship was giving me flashbacks of my parents' marriage. Between lindsay's twitter rants and on-camera meltdowns and the broken window in march 2009 and more twitter rants and how linds sent a pap after sam (tmz's vversion is the funniest for that.. but only lilo had a pic from behind sam's car and lilo posted it first as lio tweeted Caught followed by a rant about how sam never mentioned the girls)
Anyway.... it wasn't looking quite right to me. But now lilo's in and out of jail and sam visited her there and at rehab and has RTed some lilo tweets since... I'm hoping this means that lilo is sane or at least closer to sane and sam is not in danger.
I know... none of my business. I just like sam's songs and I want her safe.

mobile posting sucks

Seriously... if I make a mistake there's no way to go back and correct it. There's no way to move within a text box either... so if some how the text shifts... I can't get back to the end to keep typing. There is no scroll bar to help me.
Anyway... hate my job and wish I could work fewer hours. Looks like I don't have any classes this term tho. Sigh. I want more time to myself. Well maybe with this many hours I qualify for health insurance? But don't I have some money taken out of my paycheck for that? My work schedule and my gym's business hours don't line up very well. I'm a night owl and besides I want to work out *after* work to burn off the stress. Not to mention going home and bed after using the gym's dreamy hot tub and showers. Sigh. Gym before work means having to rush. Gym after work means I don't have to keep an eye on the time. Maybe I should look into that trx system I've heard about. But then again... I already have a chinup bar and some resistence bands.
Well... have to get rready to go to the slavewage labor camp.

myugh... poor tummy

Not even remotely hungry right now. Why should I be?I gorged like a beast last night. Went to daddies's for labor day dinner since some fam was in town that I haven't seen in years. That household likes big big meals. Ugh. Ate more in one night than I'd eaten all week. And then slept on it. There is now a hard lil lump in my lower torso. My poor body! Today is going to be liquids. And I have to work today. Sigh. Ow. Ow. Ow.
My half-sibs are still very young with fast metabolisms. I am not. Ow ow ow. Serious abdominal pain. Well what did I expect? Stupid. It'll make a liquid fast easy to do today. Ok wtf was that a hunger pang? ... no, just air pocket. And more ow... at least I have 2 hours still before work. Gonna just lie here.
I've never done a full liquid fast before.. I always had something small solid. Still live w/ mom and she would notice. Besides I think total calories matter more than liquid vs solid. So "liquid fast" isn't entirely correct. I do go about 80 percent liquid though. I like the go greens things by To Go Brands. Mind you they don't intend for their products to be used in this way. I also like Green Envy by Agrolabs. A lil bit of that every morning is nice. And I think it tastes good. Back to Go Greens... I've tried the go greens and the acai version. My fave is the go greens. It dissolves better and I found that I prefer half a packet in 20oz water. A full packet has too strong a taste for me. The acai one does not dissolve well. I finally got GNC's blenderbottle (love it.. it has a lil ball that is like a wisk) and finally got the acai to dissolve enough. I do take the acai full strength. These packets are about 30 cals each.also recently got a protein powder. Am still conflicted about being thin or being strong. Defined muscles. I've been reading that ultimatefatburner.com site that Ana Regzig linked to and it talks often about how important protein is. Protein powder is higher cal than my go greens tho. Yesterday I mixed the two. It looked awful but I liked the taste. My protein can was missing its scoop so I keep getting watery results but adding the go greens fixed that without shooting the cal count way up. So I'm gonna mix up another bottle and take that to work.
I do feel the occasional hunger pain... then intestinal pain. I guess my stomach is empty and my intestines are going "wtf is all this?" Haha!
Still feel very tired. Wish I could stay home and sleep.
Don't like my job. Wish I could at least work fewer hours but looks like I havve

rudderless

why i feel rudderless is not a quick tale either.. but hey this is my blog op
i am gay. and the career path i had once felt called to was out of my reach. church didnt ordain gays without demaning a written oath of celibacy. ten years i wasted in college undergrad. chaing majors and trying to find a place to call home. i had despaired of ever finding a career that would make me happy... and then earlier this year the denomination decided that it was not merciful to treat gays differently. yay right.... yea but now there is a prop 8 movement in that denomination and i ahd started making other plans.

now i am in shock and emotional turmoil. antigays are coming out of the woodwork. i dont feel welcome. dont know what to do with my life.

and hearing anas call
and injury to injury.. earlier in college years i fought off a rape attempt. so i feel conflicted between being thin and being strong.  i want to be thin and beautiful but i also want to be able to fight off attackers. sigh.

wondering where i fit.

BWondering where I fit is not just a question of clothing.
I wonder where I fit on the ED spectrum. (I also wonder why blogger is making posting so hard from mobile devices. Only edit html let's me type and I can't change size of text box. But whatever.
Ana has always given her siren song. I was a child the first time I heard it. But for me it was never about my looks. It was, from the very beginning, about CONTROL. Control that was sadly lacking in my young life


I was dealing with the fallout of mom's bad luck with men. Both my father and later the stepfather turned abusive. Neither was abusive when she first married him. Daddie Dearest got mean shortly after I was born. I never met the nice guy mom swears he used to be.

Stepdad was nice.... before he got married. At least he didn't hit me. No he just kept mom up yelling at her about how *I* would never be good for anything but sex. And I was expected to clean up after this guy.
So for me the ana was the only thing I felt I had any control over. I couldn't stop mom from forcing me to be a slave for abusers, but at least ana was reciprocal.

And yet somewhere in the back of my mind was a Voice asking "why punish yourself for someone else's cruelty?"

And that's a weird mental space to be in. I was miserable at home. Flunking at school. Feeling aimless. Purposeless. Ana at least gave back and gave some direction. Reciprocity.and an inner world where I could not be touched.

I didn't get any health scares.. that Voice kept me out of the worst. But every time I feel lost. Rudderless. I hear that siren's song.

In Honor of...

A few months ago i found the blog Dying to Be Thin by Ana Regzig. By then it was already old and apparently abandoned. That didn't stop me from reading it from start to finish, and then backwards.. and then both over and over.
It was an inspiration and a soul-healing experience... she put my own thoughts into words often.
I'm still not sure where I fit into the ED scale... i just know I'm nervous writing this because of family in the room. And I don't know how long they'll be distracted by their movie so yea... if i want to hide.. that says something.
Later...




Honor