wondering where i fit.

BWondering where I fit is not just a question of clothing.
I wonder where I fit on the ED spectrum. (I also wonder why blogger is making posting so hard from mobile devices. Only edit html let's me type and I can't change size of text box. But whatever.
Ana has always given her siren song. I was a child the first time I heard it. But for me it was never about my looks. It was, from the very beginning, about CONTROL. Control that was sadly lacking in my young life


I was dealing with the fallout of mom's bad luck with men. Both my father and later the stepfather turned abusive. Neither was abusive when she first married him. Daddie Dearest got mean shortly after I was born. I never met the nice guy mom swears he used to be.

Stepdad was nice.... before he got married. At least he didn't hit me. No he just kept mom up yelling at her about how *I* would never be good for anything but sex. And I was expected to clean up after this guy.
So for me the ana was the only thing I felt I had any control over. I couldn't stop mom from forcing me to be a slave for abusers, but at least ana was reciprocal.

And yet somewhere in the back of my mind was a Voice asking "why punish yourself for someone else's cruelty?"

And that's a weird mental space to be in. I was miserable at home. Flunking at school. Feeling aimless. Purposeless. Ana at least gave back and gave some direction. Reciprocity.and an inner world where I could not be touched.

I didn't get any health scares.. that Voice kept me out of the worst. But every time I feel lost. Rudderless. I hear that siren's song.