I hate being deformed.
Even just sitting cross-legged on my bed it's clear I lean more towards one side. Fucked up sppine. Fucked up hips.
The right hipbone is visible now but I really think that's more due to my fucked up, twisted and rotated skeleton than actual weight loss. Still nice to see, I guess.
Hurt my foot again.. I think I have an old stress fracture that just never got treated. Probably from that hard hard work floor. There's a bone just above the arch that sticks out far more on my hurting right foot than it does on my pain-free left foot.
Did get to the gym Monday though... I'm up to 40lbs on some (but not all) of the weight machines. I'd like to try free weights but the machines help my twisted form stay properly aligned. Oh well. Better than nothing.
Damn scale has held steady all week though. That frustrates me to no end. Especially since some of my work pants are getting looser. Some.. but not all.
Been looking at thinspo and noticing my double reaction. On one hand I do see most of those girls as beautiful. But on the other hand they are not sexy to me. Here's the problem: if I'm not turned on by those images, then it's possible other lesbians won't be turned on by me if I. Do manage to look like that.
And then there's me wanted to defend myself against physical attack. The rape attempt was years ago but I still have nightmares about it.
So I'm torn. I know I want this wretched weight to decrease but I don't have a goal weight.
Bah I'm probably making things too complicated again. (Heh.. the first gf actually claimed Avril's song Complicated reeminded her of me. She called it my theme. Ugh)
Just drop some pounds and worry about when to stop later. Judging by the scale, I havvent even started.