rudderless

why i feel rudderless is not a quick tale either.. but hey this is my blog op
i am gay. and the career path i had once felt called to was out of my reach. church didnt ordain gays without demaning a written oath of celibacy. ten years i wasted in college undergrad. chaing majors and trying to find a place to call home. i had despaired of ever finding a career that would make me happy... and then earlier this year the denomination decided that it was not merciful to treat gays differently. yay right.... yea but now there is a prop 8 movement in that denomination and i ahd started making other plans.

now i am in shock and emotional turmoil. antigays are coming out of the woodwork. i dont feel welcome. dont know what to do with my life.

and hearing anas call
and injury to injury.. earlier in college years i fought off a rape attempt. so i feel conflicted between being thin and being strong.  i want to be thin and beautiful but i also want to be able to fight off attackers. sigh.