Ugh ugh and more ugh. I feel like a pig!
Ok I knew i'd eat lots yesterday as it was my best friend R's birthday party. Soooo fun. Saw people I hadn't seen in foreverand even tried sushi! It was babystep sushi.. a california roll (loved!) And a tuna roll (bit spicy) but baby steps. Sushi is very much a texture thing. It also tasted way better than it smelled. It smelled like the pond the family dog swam in when I was little. Ha!
Then we went to the one mall in my town and I hadn't been there in years. Wow it got big! And I did end up shopping. Found a black skirt ( I needed one anyway) and a lovely blouse and an. Adorable lil bill cap and .. my first I heart ronson piece... a cute coat that is surprisingly warm. It looks a lot lighter than it is. I still think Ronson is way overpriced... even her JCPenney line can hit 80 to 100 dollars. But that girl makes NICE coats. Cute and solidly made and warm! I'm gonna wear my new stuff to church tomorrow. Maybe if I'm pretty the anti-gay assholes will feel guilty a little bit?
No... I don't think so either.
Also good talking with R again... he always was my common sense. He also makes me feel beautiful. Too bad I'm gay... sigh. He's such a great guy and always makes me feel beautiful.
And we do talk weight and body issues. I am a good 20-30 lbs overweight. Dear boy says I carry it well. I still want it gone. He keeps me from doing anything really harmful. He also reminds me of all the reasons to love my body. I'm not just overweight..I also have physical deformities. He still calls me beautiful. And for all my deformities... I do have a good and dear little body. The weight loss needs to come from a desire to take care of my little form. I am built to be small. I am small boned and I don't build muscle easy. And weighing less would lessen my pain even though my deformities would be more visible.
Sigh...
I have to have an idea of beauty that I can attain. I will never be model-gorgeous. I am deformed and twisted. There is a lump in my back and one hip sticks out much further than the other. . .I can still aim for something.. still stumble towards something resembling perfection.. right?

Today though there was no excuse for the pigging out.I even bought chocolate and now have chocolate at home! Bad me! No wonder I'm back up 3lbs. Moron. But R would want me healthy. He's got my back and wants to help me lose weight... and he'll point out when (or if?) I go too far.
I need to love myself. How can I expect to find a girlfriend if I don't believe I can be loved?