waiting for the axe

That's what this feels like.
Am in "church" right now, even tho this place hasn't felt like a church to me for months. The inerim pastor wants the congregation to just move on... but that doesn't tell me if he's gay-friendly or not.
Got dressed in such a rush I forgot my hairpins and even my bra. Have nothing on under my blouse. Granted it's a thick blouse but still...
I wish these fucktards knew how cruel they really are. They talk about how they feel persecuted for their beliefs... yet they don't see why I feel persecuted by them.
They would rather leave the ELCA than have an openly gay pastor in a relationship. They don't thin I'm worthy to serve the Elements (communion). They think any Holy Communion someone like me presides at is void at best, and blasphemy at worst. Yet they don't get why I feel persecuted and unwelcome here.
I have had to try to talk gay kids out of religion-induced suicides. These kids say things like they know they're going to hell. And each day they wake up is just another day of waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But mom says i shouldn't rock the boat by pointing shit like this out. Easy for her to say. She's not personally affected. She can just agree to disagree. It bothers me that not even my own mom is trying to understand why this hurts.
And then there is grandpa who doesn't even know I'm gay. And he's here beside me. So if I point out my orientation... or someone else says I'm gay.. I don't know how he'd react. He's so old annd old fashioned.. he still uses n-word to insult someone he doesn't like.
Sigh. I need to get my license and get the fuck out of here. Anywhere but here. There are gay-friendly churches. I need to go be a member of one of them. This place doesn't want me and the "tolerant" people expect me to be grateful that they claim to support me.
Being a minority sucks.

So... sitting here on an empty stomach because I'm too nervous to eat anything.
And it's quite possible I won't be able to eat anything today.
And Ana's siren song is loud enough for me to find my one speck of joy in the idea of eating nothing.

This "church" is toxic.