Hey...wanna know the best way to prep for a fast?
Completely fucking Piggy McBingey the night before. Whoo. Hoo.
Damn I think pizza is an even bigger weakness than chocolate.I even downed the last of my green drink beforehand..try to make myself feel full.... some 12oz in about 8 minutes...and I still ate 3 pieces. What. The. Fuck.
The idea was to low-carb it today, start the transition to ketosis so my body didn't have a huge shock tomorrow.
I want to be thin...I don't want to be dead.
Tho to be fair I don't think a 30hr fast will do any damage at all. But I was hoping to try to push beyond that 30hr minimum. Sigh.
So my poor little body is very uncomfy now and it's entirely my fault. The pigging out stoped about 6:15ish. So I figure 7pm I stopped eating. 7pm-7pm being 24 hours..so 1am dec 2 I can be done. Doesn't seem that long when I look at it that way. And I don't work tomorrow so I can sleep thru the worst of the carb crash. I feel like a wimp, actually. Gotta keep reminding myself that I haven't done a serious fast in years. I haven't gone longer than @ 16 hours for...um... i'd rather not say houw many years ago. I was in junior high and yea.... way back then. A few short fasts when getting out of high school but nothing to brag about. If I pull this off I will have doubled my usual.
Baby steps baby steps.
And I really gotta stay away from the fucking pizza.

Sooooo tired. Between getting up before dawn to it being truck delivery day at work (soreeee) and now the carb crash from my stupidity. At least I dug out my supplies yesterday, the powders and vitamins etc.

Mentioned my phone problem to my bro. Turns out he reboots his phone everynight. Turns it off before charging. I use mine as my alarm tho. Well can still turn it off tonight
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Oh hai carb crash. Well now it's 11:30pm on nov 30 where I am. I think I'll just go back to sleep. Sleep sounds good.

Morning! Getting up before sunrise really sucks. Melatonin rocks tho... I dropped right off. And I did dream of cuddly bosoms. T'Pol mostly. And yea..some Samantha.. she was part vulcan or something. *blush*
Just now phone threw major bitchfit. Keys all quit. Wouldn't even turn off tho it would reboot. Now using fake keyboard on the touchscreen. Dunno what the deal is. Anyone out there have smartphone? Maybe it just needs a reboot sometimes?

Ok rebooted again and keys are functional. Damn that was weird.

Anyway breakfast was south beach cereal bar and some milk w Aria. Seems mom's not a fan of the aria powder...it hasn't been touched! So I had a single scoop of vanilla aria in milk...not so bad in milk.
Ok time to go put my work face on.

I just took a double my usual dose of melatonin. I open at work tomorrow so gotta get to sleep asap.
Thank you thank you to commenters on last post!! It helps to hear/read your thoughts. I live in not-gay-friendly area. A "defense of marriage"d law is even on the books here. And then the "church" thing and it does wear me down.
I try to be strong.....
Thank you!

I do think there's Something, or Someone out there... but I admit I get that feeling mosst often when I'm wandering alone in a park or something. Just me and birds and trees... Nature :)
And I think the melatonin is kicking innnnnnn...................

Dec is quickly coming, and as it gets closer I get more nervous...

Ana Regzig would fast for religious purposes sometimes, and for weight loss sometimes. She even had a quote by John Calvin over how he refused to ordain those who didn't fast on Weds (for Judas' betraying Jesus) and Fri (Crucifixion) that John said those who cannot rule over their own bellies had no business ruling over the church of God.

Fasting was never required by my religious upbringing, but it was allowed. There was even that 30hr Famine program I mentioned before, a church-approved short-term group fast for the youth, under adult supervision of course.

And with the big name biblical figures doing fasts before big one-on-one time with God, it's just always seemed normal to me. Ofc no one was ever expected to match the bible heros and I bet any pastor would try to talk you out of a fast that went on longer than a day or two.

I mentioned before how hurt I was when that "church" voted to never accept me as I am. I thought to use this fast to ask for healing, and for help for the others I know who have been rejected and hurt by "churches" CLAIMING to love them. And maybe ask for help for all gay kids whether I know them or not.

But I'm afraid. Suddenly I'm wondering....what if the bigots are right?

Ofc Logic is saying I'm being ridiculous. Even with Paul's sexism there's still that Galatians quote about neither male nor female in Christ, and I do interpret that to mean God doesn't care about being male or female. There's the interesting wording used about the centurion's servant that Jesus healed, and the interesting wording about some of David and Jonathan's relationship.
And there's also some scary shit if the bible is taken literally. Lot was considered righteous even tho he offered his virgin daughters to be gang-raped? What the flying fuck!!

I'm just scared. Maybe God doesn't care what kind of body we have but God does seem to care what we do with those bodies. All those rules about being faithful in marriage etc.

But I *can* be faithful.. i'd just be faithful to another woman instead of to a man.
Just.... does it really matter?
I've tried to date guys. Me and R tried hard to make a go of it. I'm just not built that way.
And now I'm just feeling scared... wondering... if the bigots are right.

I don't want them to be right :(

Ok so Illegal Danish was fuckin funny... I really like the credits, both the scroll & how they thanked people and also the song MC Raiders "shadowform ok?" I get sooooo nervous when priests do that. "I'm gonna do it anyway. Hell no!" Lmao.
Also found very silly vid of a bunch of gnomes trying to give Sylvanas a hug. Loved it. Gonna have to watch that when I'm sad. I have mostly alliance toons but my hordies are higher cuz when burning crusade came out I just fell for the blood elves. And their music is pretty. And don't get me started on Lament of the Highborne... waaaaaaa!! Poor Sylvanas! I had to look her up since I never played the warcraft games. Waaaaaaa poor Sylvanas! Arthas evil! Arthas must die in slow tortuous way! Several times! Bring him back just to kill him again! So I play mostly horde.
I did keep up my night elf druid tho. Save Tyrande! I'm sexist I guess. Wtf did they do to Tyrande's voice tho? She sounded so soft and kind and sad before... "my heart sleeps in the Emerald Dream" awwwww.... but she sounds mean now! Tho at least her lover is awakw so she's not alone. Yay on that count.
So my druid is like 78 and the next highest alliance is like 30 xD save Tyrande from evil raids! Save Tyrande and Jaina Proudmoore! The guys can watch their own asses.
And ofc on horde I'm all save Sylvanas! Hasn't the poor lady suffered enough?
I do feel sad for Thrall tho...especially after I ran into a mention of Taretha in a hillsbrad quest. So looked up Taretha and waaaaaa! Omg toooo sad. I'm afraid to do any Caverns of Time quests cuz I might run into her's :'(
And I can't!
Then Wrath came out and death knights are kinda fun. I took a draenai cuz of them being Light and arthas... ain't. But I'm weird. Plus they have a small heal as their racial. The Light has not forsaken them :)
I do find it funny that I can say "I remember when you didn't get your first mount until 40! And how you had a quest chain that was damn hard for the dreadsteed!"
Lol
And I soooo gotta sleep now.
Also... wtf org is lagggggggg grrr I only quit cuz I got booted. But I need sleep anyway xD

After several problems and a reboot, I decided to just chill on my phone while waiting for the latest World of Warcraft patch to downlaod and boot up. I have missed this game! Been off for so long I've lost contact with all my old buddies :( and most of them were cool and very gay-friendly peeps :'(
Blizzard also does these funny world event things during the year. Like harvest festivals around thanksgiving and Winterveil around Christmas and ofc my toons can stuff their faces without gaining an ounce. And I just really like playing.
But my absence means my buds left me behind. They didn't mean to. It happens when the world keeps going after you log out... for fucking weeks.

If anyone here plays WoW on USA servers it might be safe to meet up... might, might not. Some WoW peeps have my real life Facebook.
I dunno. I miss having peeps to play with. I keep having to make new friends who then have to leave me behind cuz I keep going AWOL.
And it's only gonna get worse with work extending open hours.
Grrrrr... fucktards. I hate working retail.

And what really pisses me off? When some asshole goes "oh sorry you have to work today on christmas eve/day/ easter/ 4th of july/ whatever"
I sooooo wish I could say "Bitch if you were really sorry you wouldn't be fucking shopping! YOU are the reason I'm forced to be here!"

Reading the patch notes. Patches are ofc leading up to Cataclysm's release... wow things are going to shit! I haven't even seen the Sunwell get cleansed and already there are quests related to Deathwing. I've barely explored Northrend! I haven't defeated the Lich Kking yet!
Well.... I guess I really am playing at a slow pace for my own pleasure.
Sooo gotta go check the new shattered Azeroth out.

And FUCK they sure nerfed the warlocks. Like I wasn't squishy enough already? Fuckers.

Sneaky phone post in work bathroom. Can't make tea party :( but me and my rubber duckie tea infuser will be there in spirit! Remember the temperature's a Ronson sympathizer! :)
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Yay for being home. Boo at binging.
Was pissed at work for making me miss tea party.
Was even MORE pissed at work for extending hours to midnight later this week. Actually I'm still pissed about that. You know the big honchos aren't working til after midnight. I fucking hate retail.
And I miss World of Warcraft! It's been nearly 3 weeks... again! This sucks!

So anyway I was good all day... some raw broccoli before work and my green drink, just the 15cal version... then I get home all annoyed and have lots of green bean casserole and a chunk of my brownie birthday cake (think deep dish brownie with icing) and THEN I ate the entire fucking Lindt Petits Desserts box I bought. I should seriously never buy those. They're too damn good. And they're damn expensive for what you get. At least the chocolate did its laxie thing and some of turkey day's gluttony is finally processed out. Ugh.

My poor body is pissed at me again. Now resting on my bed with my kitty purring...and I am soooo thirsty. And ofc Logic is saying "if you insist on stuffing your face, it would be wise to choose nutritious calories."
Yea yea.
Sometimes Logic has Spock's voice. And sometimes T'Pol's voice. Kinda depends on how horny I am. Anyway...

Hi Peri! My duckie infuser is from perennialtearoom.com and it was flat shipping rate so I got 3 :)
Sooooo... K.. buddy.. pal.... 5' 9 huh? Good height... good for peeking over stuff and spotting short people...are you the one somewhere in california? Just out of idle curiousity of course....

Anyway... I still get taken back when someone talks about purging. I just can't do it. The very idea makes me green in the gills. Heh maybe if I think about it long enough it'll happen. Ugh but I admit I don't want it to. Idea makes me soooo squeamish. I'm the type who faints at the sight of blood. We found this out the hard way at the vet's one day. Guess I join Peri in the such-a-girl-in-the-useless-sense room. Oh wait... I'm even more useless. I can't knit or sew. I wonder if my uselessness is why I'm still single?
I guess I "purge" with exercise, like legwork that has my calves tight and aching for the rest of the week xD but I have noticed how purging seems common among the smaller girls. And it does seem logical that purging would keep the calorie count down.
I just can't.... I just can't do it.

Ungh.... anyone else feel like a big fat pig? I need a fast like I need air in my lungs. They go thru a LOT of food over at daddie's house what with 2 kids of junior-high to high school age range.the half sibs are every bit as thin as I was at that age... and since their mom is far taller and stronger than my mom ever was (such different builds) they are also taller and stronger than me. The half sis is already my height and she's like 13. And after everyone at that table was completely stuffed, half sis would jokingly ask how much weight we all thought we'd gained. Yeaaa.... easy for her huh? Thin and athletic and still in the middle of growth spurts. Her clothes fit me already. And I don't think she meant it badly. It's just expected that good people will be thin and will try to stay thin. Stepmom had a gastric bypass after all. It's like weight is a reflection of morality or something.

I didn't even make it to my mom's side of the fam tonight...which has me annoyed. Aunt bought me a birthday present. I already know it's a gingerbread house cuz mom didn't want me to show any dissappointment. She knows I prefer clothes. I actually love getting hand-me-downs. I prefer older styles and I'm also convinced that the quality of clothing has just steadily been getting worse for like the past 20 years. Daddie gave me one of his old shirts... a thick and soft cotton button-up that's well made. In good condition for how old it is. I've wanted it for awhile. Bro and I like dividing daddie's old shirts between us. Styles for guys were so funny back then!

And wow am I rambling. Anyway my poor body is overwhelmed right now and I am very glad that mom brought home a raw veggie platter from aunt's party. Cuz there were no veggies at daddie's. "Green bean casserole" doesn't count... too much extra stuff in it! Same with stuffing!
Ungh.... tomorrow I eat most all my food from the raw veggie platter!

I'm posting way more than usual. Probably from nerves. Am spending most of turkey day at daddie dearest's. My redheaded bro livves w daddie dearest and his 2nd marriage kids. Yup I got half sibs.. and the half sis is not as funny as baby sis here. Half sis has even openly said she can't see my scoliosis because of the fat. Yea, she called me fat. And was very matter of fact about it too.
So I'm feeling stressed.. so when I found some chocolate while cleaning earlier... omnomnom. Like I'm trying to make myself too sick to go. Wtf I can be an adult (or at least mostly adult-like) in almost everything except this. When daddie dearest is in the picture it's like I revert to being that terrified child again. Very frustrating. So yea...

Me : ooo chocolate! Omnomnom....
Body: wtf is this shit? This is not real food! Nothing I can use here!
Me: I'm stressed out, so I want chocolate.
Body: oh so you thought you'd stress me out, too? This is junk!
Me: it's just a few hershey bars.
Body: yea and reeses cups and oh yea those fried onions intended for casseroles.!!
Me: well it's all eaten now so shut up and digest.
Body: why do I put up with this?
Me: cuz I am the boss and you have no choice.
Body: oh yea? *churn churn churn*
Me: good stomach. Good body.

3 hours later

Body: have some diarrhea, bitch!
Me: oh fuck! *runs to bathroom*
Body: muwahahahaha! That's what you get for giving me junk!

My body is more ana than I am. XD
So I haven't slept yet..and I'm still stuck going to daddie dearest's. And tomorrow's my b-day too.
And no I still ain't saying my age :p

Gonna try to get some zzzz. Got some lovely Celtic Woman playing. Aahhhh women voices together are sooooo lovely. Heavenly even. I love Celtic Woman.
Night

Well...silver lining is I get a tiny taste of what Samantha Ronson deals with. I've had some very insulting anon comments that ofc I denied. I think it's just 2 or 3 peeps (repetitive spelling and grammar mistakes FTL) but given her 220 readers I'm not shocked some decided to "avenge" her. But I do hope they get bored soon.
But that's what Samantha deals with on a much much *larger* scale. Wow. No wonder the poor dear doesn't smile much.
I must do a Smiling Samantha picspam sometime :) she's so prettyyyyyyy....

Ok so... my fast lasted until just after 6:30. Yea... sigh. I skipped "church" tho so I guess the sudden flood of relief relaxed me too much. Ate a big bowl of mom's chilo w 6 crackers. Also 2 mini muffins (1 blueberry and 1 a sort of apple-ish cake like) and 3 oreos and 2 super yummy soft oatmeal cookies w cinnamon and butterscotch chips. And big glass of milk.
I feel full but not too full. Which doesn't make much sense.
Am trying not to beat myself up. I know I fail at fasting. There's a reason I'm only aiming for 30 hours come Dec 1st.

And the main reason I found those Intermittent Fasting articles so reassuring was how they basically said it was ok to eat the way I wanted to. It's ok to fast for most the day and have just one fiarly large meal at night. I don't HAVE to have breakfast if I don't want to. It's not bad to eat the most late at night so long as the total cal count isn't like 30,000 or something.
The reason sumos are so big is because of how much they eat.... not when they eat. They also eat lots and lots of carbs. I'm gonna see how long I can comfortably go this time. Try to get a sense of my body's natural rhythyms.

And meanwhile I have a whole truckload of fanmade Sims 1 items to check out :) it's great... I can satisfy my shopaholic tendencies without actually spending money. Wanna waste cahs? I just completely redo my Sims houses.
And then watch them starve cuz I spent all their simoleans on stuff xD

If I have an issue with *one* (or possibly two) other bloggers, I see no reason to make it public and post about it and post on their blogs etc etc because I think that causes division within the community. I think that's the sort of shit lindsay lohan would pull, and i'd like to think I'm a little more mature. I'm not gonna ask anyone to choose between me and someone else. I bnacked off, alright? So how about calling off the attack dogs and let's just all move on? My spam filter has never been catching things before this. Total mea culpa. My own feelings don't matter... I stopped following the people I hurt/angered and I promise not to bother them... I'm not seeking anythinng... I just want to move on.

I currently have Frownies on my forehead. They feel a lot like Biore strips but the don't come off nearly as easily as Biore strips. These things are stuck TIGHT. I can see why the directions say to basically soak your face to peel them off!
Anyway Frownies are lil brown squares that have perforations that will let you easily tear them up. I have the forehead ones (yes, there are different kinds) so mine tear into triangles. I also tried the rose water and I think it smells funny, tho I haven't figured out how to describe the smell just yet. The Frownies say they have to be used for a few weeks to see results. To be fair, my forehead wrinkles are small to start out... and when I get several days off work in a row, the wrinkles vanish entirely. Hmmmmmmm....

Oh, and guess what? Tonight that "church" is having it's Thanksgiving service and Mom expects me to go. Triggering, much? From 10pm last night til now I've had a 140cal protein shake (in water ofc) and I'm still working on it. I sometimes feel hunger, but thoughts of that "church" drive all thoughts of food out of my head.
Whether I go or not, I do want to scrub and deep-condition my hair. I am late on being a redhead! I should have dyed it weeks ago!

And one of mom's cats is mad at me. When I let my *one* cat out this morning there was a pile of poo in front of my bedroom door x_x

Bad cat!

Well, it is done.

And to be honest I won't change it back no matter what...because I am terrified an anti-ana will find it because "Hungry for Change" really is like a trademark or something for a program by the Food Inc people.. and I do NOT want an anti-ana to found us while googling looking for the Food inc version.
Seriously.. drop it into Google and see what you get. eeks.

Quite frankly it's probably a miracle that the last one was never found. Eeeeeks.

And for future reference.. for fucks sake peeps i do have my blog set to allow anyone to leave a comment.. even anon comments. and anyone leaving a comment will notice that i have comment moderation on. That's how me and Starving Artist started writing each other privately. She left an email in a comment that I deleted.

So there's really no reason to just make a post that has the indirect effect of creating animosity towards me. If I piss you off that bad it is possible to TRY to resolve it privately before I get hung out to dry by your fans.

But moving on.. because the less I say about that mess the better I'll feel.

For some reason I can't post pics from the computer. It says "server rejected" well fuck.
I do, however, have a Samantha Ronson "mixtape" in my ears right now xD

Anyway... I didn't know I had a fast metabolism? It's not like i have access to one of those nifty machines that you like breathe into and it actually measures what you're burning. Nooo i get my ESTIMATES from bmrcalculator.org :)

i just plug in my weight (161.. eeeks) and my height (5 foot 7.. so i may be taller than you K) and the calculator spits out the stats i posted.

I'm hoping those estimates are right.. they gotta be somewhat right because i did lose weight last time.

Well today was Eat day.. and i did try to eat like a total Piggy McBingey.. how is it that when i WANT to stuff my face it suddenly becomes hard to? And when my plan calls for fasting I end up pigging out? WTF?

I think most of my calories came from the Oreos. Heh but i did get some healthy.. milk and a TV dinner.. wait do those mass-market TV dinners really count as healthy?

Anyway at 10pm it changed over to fasting.. liquid fasting to be precise. I do allow myself caloric drinks in the forms of milk and my protein shakes. Maybe it's cuz i'm gayelle...or maybe cuz of that rape attempt i fought off.. it's kinda a mix of both actually.. but i do want desperately to protect what little muscle i have.

Besides... I need a proper pair of Dyke Arms xD

And yea I prefer the term gayelle... while "lesbian" does apply i just feel like it's kinda butch for me xD

Yanno it's weird... it's like after doing this intermittent fasting thing that i actually did without knowing it at first... but fasting really does have sooo many benefits.. i'm more sensitive to my body's needs.

In a way.. it's like my intellect has snuck into the ana-thinking... cuz while i am not happy with my body at all... i don't hate it.

I feel sorry for it.

My poor little body didn't ask to be deformed. (i have scoliosis, remember?) it didn't ask to be so flawed and in constant pain. And don't get me started on my thoughts about my weight.. actually do get me started, cuz the inner monologue has gotten funny lately.

"i hate being fat! Fat is soo fucking disgusting!"
"Well guess what? your body hates being fat too! So stop your bitching and HELP!"

xD

If you live in what is called a "first-world" country, then you know what it is like to be surrounded by food. Waistlines are growing at an alarming rate, those of us in the USA are seeing obesity at epidemic levels, and obesity is probably at epidemic levels in other "first-world" countries too. It's like we just don't know when to shut our mouths!

and it costs us sooo much money! we spend $$ to buy junk food that we shove in our mouths.. and then spend yet more $$ on diet pills and special weight-loss belts (those gotta be my fave joke)

But our bodies don't like to be fat. They really don't. Being fat stresses everything... the heart and the liver especially.

So anyway I'm going to attempt to fast from 10pm tonight (about4 hours ago now) to 10pm tomorrow. yea, i might break. There's a reason I chose a humble 30 hours for my first monthly fast. It would actually be an achievement. I've yet to last a full 24. But I'm sleeping for part of this.. jeez!

Ok, I'm out.. either to bed (ha ha) or to drool over a certain someone.

Hmm.. who was it at the tea party who lived in California? i wonder if she'd do a lil hunt for me? Nahh.. I'd never ask that.

I'm innocent 0:)

Well shit... apparently i SHOULD have asked Adeline about restarting Hungry for Change. Before she deleted her blog I commented on it if maybe she could just pass the torch on, and that idea was echoed by a commenter who came after me... but I never got a response. Just a deleted blog that I STILL haven't figured out how to remove from my Following list.

And well... she said she didn't want to do it any longer when she deleted the blog... so of course I didn't think she'd be interested in joining the new one. I honestly didn't think she even wanted to be told about the new one.. that she wanted to leave that part of her journey behind. It never occurred to me that she would consider the entire concept of fasting for causes as HERS.

But it is my opinion that there was a third "person" in the conversation that didn't get a say.. and that was all of us who wanted to be part of the next monthly fast. I had just found the blog and it was already marked for deletion. It made me sad!
Even the idea of archiving past entries was apparently not considered :(

i certainly wasn't trying to hurt her... the blog address I reserved is different.. i didn't try to steal her address. I didn't copy the title. I even said in the first post that it was started by her FANS. I openly said it was an offshoot, like Angel was an offshoot of the Buffy series.

Well obviously the title is going to have to change to something else. I'll also have to figure out how to change the address without deleting and starting over.
it'd be nice if Warner Bros was like me that way... instead they're bumbling ahead with a "Buffy movie" and didn't even ask Joss Whedon.. and have no plans to involve him at all. it'd be nice if they'd at least name it something different, wouldn't they?

But the concept of fasting for causes is a concept as old as religion. And I certainly still intend to aim for my humble 30 hour fast with or without her consent.

And I just discovered that "Hungry for Change" is actually a trademark or something connected with that Food Inc. movie. hrrrm.. guess changing it would be a good idea for a number of reasons, huh?

In conclusion I am sorry I hurt Adeline but it was most unconsciously done and I hope will be of short duration.

But I still submit that the idea behind the blog cannot be copyrighted. The blog of course will be renamed. But we who wish to fast for our causes certainly have the right to do so.

Calorie cycling.... it helped me lose. Yet I got off it. And the loss stopped. And then I gained a bit back. At least I'm not up to the starting weight...at least not yet.
Anyway Gina asked about it and what perfect timing! Cuz I need to redo the counts. I have kept below the weight I first used....barely.
As of @30mins ago I am 161 exact. Starting weight was 173 I think. How do I put my stats in the sidebar?

Anyway.. so if I were resting in a perfect womb-like state where there was no need to move, where tempurature was always perfect, etc... i'd burn between 1485 and 1528cals a day. The light movement like walking to the bathroom/bedroom/computer/kitchen etc brings it to 1781-1834. Now if I would get off my fat ass and exercise, just 1 to 3 days a week, i'd go up to 2041-2101 a day. Sadly, I'm a lazy ass. Hmmm..well damn. Looks like a possible baseline is 1800 again. It's right in the middle of the lazy-movement range. Ehhhh..... 1700 cals/ day baseline. That'll give me a small deficit even on lazy fatass days. I'll just allow some 200 extra calories AFTER a hard workout. Hey I know! When I do get to the gym, since I love the weightroom... afterwards I'll make a real bodybuilder smoothie! I need to find a blender. Milk, protein powder and something extra, ideally a banana abd a bit of peanut butter. Or something. Where am I gonna find good bananas at this time of year? Still.... idea!

So ..cycling... the 2468 diet is actually an example. The cliff notes is that the daily calorie intake is varied..but it has to be wildly varied from day to day. The slight change between, say, 400 and 600 is too small. Might be better to go 200-800-200-800... you'd still have the same total over a period of 4 days. 200 + 400 + 600 + 800 = 200+ 800 + 200 + 800.

Ofc my cal counts are much higher but that's the general idea. Burn days are the low cal days and Eat days are well... eating days! With a baseline of 1700, the Burn days have a limit of 700 but it's ok to be below that. The 700 is a limit, not a mandate. Last time I was often at 400 to 600 for a Burn day even tho the limit was 900. And Eat days are 1800 (or thereabouts). And it's actually better to go a wee bit above the Eat limit rather than below.

I got the idea from this article on a bodybuilder website: http://www.ultimatefatburner.com/every-other-day-diet.html

I took the calorie cycling idea and adapted it. I do a lot of reading on that site, actually. Bodybuilders are great sources of information about nutrition and burning fat. Their ideas just require a bit of tweaking to adapt to my own goals.

Also this time my "days" will go from 10pm to 10pm... I need to accept that I am a night owl from a family of night owls. And 10pm is just a natural changeover time for me.

From sunrise until 10pm tonight my intake was barely 300 so that was a Burn day. So I'm now in Eat day.and I think a big glass of milk sounds damn good.

Oh I should mention that I am still gonna pay attention to protein. On Burn days especially. I like to alternate Burn and Eat but it's always easiest to do a Burn when I work. The running around keeps my mind off food. So especially when I have Burns back to back... high protein. Yay protein powders!

Still flying over Harry Potter. I couldn't believe it was after midnight when we got out O_O but ooooooo epic movie. I really can't praise the acting enough. I was totally sucked in.

I overslept today! Woke up exactly 15 mins before work when my phone's calender chime went off. So didn't eat breakfast. Ummm... oops?
Got my acai drink here. Yanno the taste is actually nice. Like a weak berry koolaid. But it takes so long to dissolve! Stays clumpy! And when it finally does fully dissolve (some 3 hours later) it has a weird slippery texture like watery jello or something. Don't like that.

Been reading that intermittent fasting is beneficial to the body, and not just for weight loss. It reminded me how I've fallen off on my calorie cycling. The plan that helped me drop 10lbs in a month. I've been stuck since then. I think that says something.

No idea if mom's gonna make a dinner tonight or not. If not then I'll go straight to my protein bars. If she does.... well... cross that bridge when (if) I come to it.

Am at work right now, on lunch break. Brought a lil Luna mini 80cals and 11g carbs 4g protein and a good amount of most of the B vitamins. Gonna step the carbs down further tomorrow. Trying to use up the To Go Acai drink mixes ... they keep me alert real well (lots of B12 in them) but ehhh on the taste. Like weak koolaid and it takes forever to dissolve, and when it is dissolved it's more gel-like texture.
Anyway I am gonna bust ass tonight cuz after work I am off to see Harry Potter!! Woot! Other bloggers have posted about how much it rocks. Ofc I read the book already, but movies are usually different and I'm cool with that. Can't wait to see what the movie does with the story material!
..........................................................

OMG HARRY POTTER FUCKING ROCKED!!!
All the actors were at the top of their game. The writing was sooooo much better than in Half-Blood Prince. The Potter kids especially..... soooooo talented. Omg Emma Watson is soooo good. She's beautiful, yes, but also damn talented. I understand if she decides to do something other thanacting, she practically grew up on a movie set, but she's soooooo talented. I'd like to watch her in more movies. Daniel Radcliffe too. Hell all the cast were spot-on. I'm not sure how much I can say... and worried about spoiling the movie for those who haven't seen it. But everyone was spot on! The Weasley twins, Mad-Eye, everyone!! Even those who were only there briefly really gave good performances! Just poured themselves into their roles! The whole movie was EPIC and I am gonna go bonkers waiting for the rest!!

Uuuugghhhnnn... I was in so much pain when I got home today I actually said "fuck the diet" cuz I wanted comfort food so badly. But cookies and chocolate are not painkillers. Tasted great tho. Lindt chocolate is still soooo yummy. I didn't need the chips ahoy tho... unless it's Heath Chips Ahoy then it's not worth a binge. Why did I eat it? Bad Honor!

Currently munching thru one of the Kind bars I got as a sample. To my surprise it only has 14g of carbs. Much less than I thought. 190cals, mostly from fat but of the 14g of fat only 5g is saturated. Kind Fruit & Nut Almond and Coconut flavor... and it tastes like a mass of almonds and shredded coconut held together with lots of honey. It also looks like a mass of almonds and coconut glued together with honey xD you can see the ingredients in the bar itself. Not a ground up and reformed pate processed food brick here! Kind bars are kinda expensive. But I might get a few once in a while as a treat. It took me 20 mins to munch that lil bar and I'm amazed at how full I feel right now.I wish i'd had that bar before the Chips Ahoy. Might have avoided the caloric mistakes.

Before I tore into the Chips Ahoy earlier, I had some Jack Link's Teriyaki Beef Nuggets. Work still doesn't have turkey jerky in so I got the nuggets instead, and they are also very yummy. I'm not even remotely hungry right now. I don't even want chocolate. But do wanna write down that now I have 2 jerky products I like :) so next shopping trip I know what to look for.

And now I'm gonna go meditate on Hungry for Change. Currently I have CAPCHA on and comment moderation off, but after what Gina went thru I'm thinking I should reverse that, have moderation on and the capcha off. To protect the blog from a fattie invasion. Moderating comments isn't really that bad, and since I can get Dashboard on my phone (even tho not all blogs will work on my phone) any comments can be moderated like 5 times a day if the Hungry for Change blog became popular.

The problem is the comment moderation is the only thing I can do from my phone. Can't post pics. Can't do any formatting. Can't even copy-paste. No HTML (as if i'd know what I was doing anyway.) Nothing that requires drag-and-drop. And even if I could get privacy on the computer regularly... I still fail at internets. Poor Starving Artist, she has no idea what she's signed up for xD

Aaaand more calories = more entry cuz editing old posts is damn hard on my phone. Can really only edit short posts. Had a fistful of cashews. About 10g carbs worth.. maybe 12 ungh... so carbs could be as high as 34 right now. I don't get it... the Twisted bars have more calories than the power crunch. 220 vs 210.. and Twisted has 15g protein vs power crunch 13g. So why does power crunch fill me up so much better?

*looks more closely at wrappers*

Oooohhhhhh.... the diff is fat. Twisted has a whopping 22g carbs but only 8g fat and 6g of that is saturated! Ewwwww!! Saturated ick! Power crunch has a paltry 10g carbs but 13g fat, and only 5g is saturated. Ha! Even tho Power crunch has more total fat than Twisted, Power crunch has *less saturated fat* than Twisted. Looking at ingredients...power crunch has a lot of milk-based parts. I guees that's why the sat-fats are so low in comparison to the total.
And nuts are high in (healthy) fats. I guess that's why the cashews worked. Well... mostly worked. I still get the occasional hunger hint but it's ignorable.

And I am totally having a power crunch for breakfast. Yay power crunch!

Hi Gina! Yea sadly randomanorexics.com requires email and website to comment. I tried to hit Post with just a name but the form kept popping up demanding an email and website. I probably should have seen if it would accept false info but eh....if they put their fat ugly mugs in my face, then I'll just rub my weight loss in their fat mugs :)
End of the month is coming. Which reminds me. That I do mean to get Hungry for Change off the ground. Guess i'd best go blog-kick baby sis xD

How funny if the fatties come over just as many of us are getting slimmer. Go ahead and whine, lardasses! WE will ne getting svelte and gorgeous! Try not to let your envy get the best of you.

In other news, once I finish this Twisted bar my cal count will be about 500. Maybe 510.
I was very hungry when I started to slowly slowy eat the Twisted. And yet once again the coating is sufficiently chocolatey, and the pretzels are nice and crisp, but this peanut-flavored-"nougat" is not hugely yummy. The caramel-ish part is nice if you can taste it, but there's not much of it there. And at 22g carbs for a mere 15g protein....ehhhh ... on the bright side it did stop the hunger very quickly. Especially considering it's not a big bar. Only halfway thru and hunger is gone. We'll have to see how long it stays away.

Which reminds me....my last drugstore.com order I checked out their free samples page since sometimes you get to choose your sample. And the only things that caught my eye were the Toms of Maine soap and the Kind almond and coconut food bars. And it read I could choose 2 samples. Well I already had a sample Toms of Maine soap...such a cute itty bitty thing! So I tried to choose 2 Kind bars and it let me. So when the order came I had 2 Kind bars to try..... and also another itty bitty Toms of Maine soap *and* a Schick disposable razor.

I love drugstore.com! Haven't tried the Kind bars yet.. they pure carbs so they're hidden with the chocolate xD

Anyone ever visit randomanorexics.com? The latest post is quite interesting. Seems one of those fatness-is-the-best tpe sites posted a link to a really old randomanorexic blog post and there's been a war of words ever since.
My own comment is awaiting moderation. I mentioned a show How to be Slim (which I think I first learned of from Dylphe's blog) and how one of the diet myths busted was the metabolism myth. The fatter a person is, the *faster* that person's metabolism is.

So anyway, Skinny Lady and Emanciated Lady are being hated on. And yes they are dishing it right back. Still... looks like a fun fight... I dunno sometimes I want to debate. Especially when I'm right! ;)

I have to be at work in a little over an hour. I don't want to go. So tired. Screwed up sleep schedule. Didn't sleep well. I miss having my time be my own. Must focus on how I need $ to replace what I spent. Will probably need a normal breakfast so I can take a 5-hour energy.
So tired. Don't like working in retail. Must focus on how I need any $ even from retail. Still hate retail.
..................................................

Home now. Wow it's cold.
Well...as per usual the restraint left with the sun. Dinner was a chalupa and the last 6 chips ahoy. Grrrrrr bad Honor! Tho all this shivering may burn more off.
My feet are masses of pain. Dunno what my workout will be tonight but I won't be on my poor feet.
And damn it's cold!

At work I had nothing except my protein drink. And the rest of the 5hour energy i'd opened this morning.
Oh and guess what? Got a female co-worker who swings my way and she just mmight be single.
Why is everything either feast or famine?
Do I check out the situation with this coworker (who I do find cute... tho she is overweight) or do I try to strike up a friendship with a girl I've had a secret crush on for years and who might be hetero?
Aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!!!

It's easier to be obsessed with Ronson!

I'm gonna go dig up Kerli's Walking on Air..the video is so trippy. I just hope it loads on my phone.

How the hell does Ronson do it? She lives vampire hours and yet stays so thin!
I can restrict sooooo easy when the sun is up... but once night come Piggy McBingey is on the prowl!
I had only a cup a soup 60cals while sun was up. Then about 9 mom came home...with cake! 2 slices... she had 1 and I had the other. Then that opened the door to the damn Doritos! Just now went down and took my chewable Centrum. At least there's that.

So since I'm already at carbalicious levels, I am thinking of trying that plum organics babyfood.
That's right... my orders have arrived! The duckie tea infuser is larger than I thought it would be and I hope to try it after work tomorrow (sigh...hate work)
Most of the drugstore.com order is more protein stuff...and ofc the babyfood and the Frownies!
You know I gotta review the Frownies. Oooo I've read soooo much about them!
Yanno a dream job for me would be at like Allure mag or something like that. I LOVE trying out beauty products but I can't afford to buy them all!

Anyway so am slowly drinking a babyfood pouch. Plum Organics Baby-organic baby food- sweet potato, corn & apple flavor.it's.... well it's pureed sweet potato, corn and apple. There is a hint of lemon, and I see lemon concentrate on ingredients list. It comes in lil vacumn pouches (just like Buddy Fruits do) and it's 80cals, 19g carbs, of which 12g are sugars (natural sugars I assume) and one lonely gram of protein. It also has 520% daily value of vitamin A. I can only. Hope it's in the form of beta-carotene. Eeks.
I think I prefer my veggies in solid form, but if I ever have oral surgery aga I'm totally going this route. I've had oral surgeries twice in my life and I was miserable each time. Soooo hungry yet unable to really eat anything that satisfied. Why didn't I think of babyfood then? Oh well...live and learn. Anyway these come 6 pouches to a box and I paid 8.99 for the box. I don't remember if that was a sale price or not.
I do still want the Buddy Fruits though. I'm always nervous about ordering from a new website for the first time. my weirdness. But the point is to have a healthy sweet thing around to help me stay off the candy! And where I am the plants are dead for the winter so I have doubts about the freshness of the "fresh fruits" being trucked in from who knows where.

Also, a site called Lchat (tho I wonder how many there are really lesbians) has an interesting and possibly substantiated report that Samantha has been visiting lindsay on the down low in theold people villages around Betty Ford. I suuuuuure hope Samantha knows what she's doing. I don't like it when she gets stuff thrown at her dear little head. I know I know....her head to bruise if she wants to. Her risk, not mine.
I can't help it. I'm a shameless little fan who just wants her safe! Why couldn't she have fallen for someone sane? Are Ellen and Portia the only sane gayelles in LA??
Sigh.

Oh...and my cat's fat ass missed the pan again >x(

Dear Self,
How do you plan on getting to your goal..... 

 ... if you INSIST on being Piggy McBingey on every damn Dorito, Chips Ahoy, sloppy joes etc in the house? Is this word called Control just over your head?

Does not work that way!

I'm sure Samantha would think it's very sexy that she could use just one of my pant legs as a sleeping bag. Her dear twin Charlotte could use the other. How nice.. I can keep my favorite twins safe from the cold with minimal effort.

yea.....

My calves still are tight from last night's work. every time i just walk around i feel them stretching a bit. it's like they can't be stretched often enough.
too bad... gotta do more tonight. because of those Doritos and Chips Ahoy and sloppy joes and assorted SHIT. At least i did get a Centrum in me in the midst of all that garbage.

the pants i wore for motivation need washing, but i did find a pair of jeans that are older, and tighter. Thing is.. they fit my thighs and ass just fine.. it's the damn belly! Apple shapes are sooo anoying! I almost have a gap in my thighs.. they touch sooo lightly.. but this damn gut hangs over the waistband! I look pregnant!

And if I am pregnant then God must want a daughter.. cuz i have never had sex with a man.

Also.. i still have periods.. so it would really be a miracle pregnancy xD

So this is fat. I want it gone. I really want it gone. So wtf with my sudden lack of willpower? Grrr.

Bad fat bad fat, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when i come for you...

(and i really wish i could figure out how i managed to get the words on the side of the pic like i did in an older post. no idea how it happened but i like that look and wish i could do it again)

Edit: Hi Invisible Ninja! :D  I seeee youuuuuu

second edit: from Samantha's twitter: I heart Tina Fey http://tinyurl.com/396tcw2
and i heart Tina too :) especially for THAT. Fuck PBS!!! of course they censored Tina for political reasons! 

Fucking triggering. I guess I should be happy that mommie dearest has made it so easy to not eat the dinner she cooked. I tagged along to her water aerobics class. It was nice. I would have preferred more legwork. A lot more leg work, but eh.
But what does she talk about on the way home?
That fucking "church". Two of the bigots who started that fight have officially left. It wasn't enough that the majority voted to make me a second class citizen. That the "church" that baptized me refused to celebrate with me if I found someone to share my life with.

So I am very unhappy. I came up to my room and have another body fortress scoop.also tried the south beach bars. South Beach Living protein fit -peanut butter flavor. Is very good. 140cal 17g carbs (of which 3g are fiber and 3g are sugar alcohols..sugar alcohols make me gassy but it's only 3) and 8g protein. Only 8g? Yea... but it does taste really good, I thinkso anyway. Very peanut buttery. I guess I'll consider it a diet friendly candy bar? I dunno... but I will probably get them again.

And the thing is...while that whole fight's been going on I'm not supposed to say anything because I might cause division. What the fuck? So I'm not even allowed to give my side? Nope.

.so I don't want to think about it. I think I'll do some legwork.

At least I feel accepted here. We all need somewhere where we feel accepted.

What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Doing. UP?!?
Still have not slept. Damn screwed up sleep schedule. I messed my circadian rhythyms up good. (Also not sure of my spelling here. Don't tell Samantha!) Wow I need sleep. Sigh. Not gonna help my sleeping get back on track.
Tho I am nervous about sleeping when I still have 7oz of protein drink left. I used a full scoop of Body Fortress. And only the Body Fortress. No greens this time.
And I like it. But I gotta guard it against flies! Damn the flies!
And wow one of the cats just dropped a warhead in the bathroom. Can't even tell I changed the litterpan last night!
...................................

Ok dragggggging right now. Trying to stay awake to get back on decent sleep schedule.
Anyone know how to stop following a deleted blog? How do you stop following when there's no Follow link at the top? The original Hungry for Change is totally gone and I can't figure out how to get it off my blog list.
And ofc the google help files were distinctly NOT helpful!

Anyway gonna go watch Super Slim Me (not super skinny me) cuz it helps me rev up.
Dawn is funny to me and even tho it's not a pro-ana show...I really appreciate the honesty. It is hard to be at restaraunts. It is hard to stay low calorie.
And the honesty I really like... debbie i-cant-spell-her-last-name it is hard to stay small and the skinnier girls really do get more parts, more respect, more opportunities.
And the self-serving doublespeak of the designers who claim they want their models to be healthy. They don't give a shit! They just want the models to LOOK a certain way... glowy skin but they don't care how skinny the models are and designers certainly don't care about how the models stay that skinny.
And I always laugh at the line over how Rachel Zoe made a name for herself by turning "little-known starlets... like lindsay lohan" into size 0 icons. This was released in 2007 I think post-Mean Girls and someone from Britain called her a little-known starlet. It makes me wonder what the enteertainment industry really thinks of her. I mean when people are asked about her they tend to stroke her ego something fierce. But maybe that's only in the insane asylum called Hollywood?
Anyway I like the show.

Still waiting for my next drugstore.com order to arrive. You know I gotta do a review on the Frownies xD

Piggy piggy! I fail at fasting. Broke down around 6 with an atkins bar. Was dissapointed but I could deal with a single atkins bar. Then at @ 10 it was .... the last 2 slices of pizza >_<
Plus milk. Oops.
Just now. 130am a power crunch bar and a dark chocolate soynut pack. At least I'm back on thee good foods... sigh.
But I did stay off the computer today and I didn't spend any more money.
...
...
Yet.
I do need to find some flypaper. I have these random straggler tiny flies that look like fruit flies only what could they be eating??
Weeks ago I found a cherry limeade cup that had some lime in it (oops) but I found it and tossed it weeks ago.and while the fly population shrunk damn fast... I'm still randomly getting 1 or 2 hanging around. And they got into my cleanse drink this morning! Ewwwwwwwww! I was not hungry for several hours but then I went back to omnomnom monster.
And I wanna kill these flies! That's MY drink dammit!

Oh... and since I just finished reading another's post on sexuality.. I feel inspired!

It's simple and quick....I grew up dating boys just cuz I thought that's what girls did. But when I had sex dreams of women...and woke up in orgasm...I thought maybe my subconscious was. Trying to tell me something xD

What really pisses me off is that I don't have those nice dreams anymore. It's like once I got the message it was "ok, message received...no need to do orgasm dreams anymore"
Wtf grrrrrrrrrrr.........................

Maybe I should have slept first? Cuz... well sh*t.
Back up to 161.4 and gee whose fault is it? Grrrr....

Oh hai poor-girl cleanse... will you help me resist the peetza?

Yanno...I think Samantha might be an apple shape too.she's had such skinny legs since high school but I do have a few photos that show a tiny belly. As in a small rounded belly... like a (much much) smaller version of my potbelly.

A d thanks Dylphe for ginger info on last post :)

And maybe if I ask real nice akca (I know I screwed that spelling up..bad memory) can give a quick paypal for dummies lesson? Please please *big puppy eyes*

Edit: so paypal is basically one of those prepaid credit/debit cards? Sounds like it functions as one.
What's the funds transfer fee?

Also- weight now 160.8 after 8 hour sleep. So yes, sleep matters.

I just wish I got my 8 hours earlier. Woke up at 2pm! Wtf! It's like the sleep clock doesn't count until after my 10am alarm goes off! Very frustrating! Well no computer today. I do work! Got only 4 days left of vacation and my floor is a mess! Gym is open on sundays but only for a fewhours. So I basically missed it. I won't get there in time. Drat. I miss their showers. And the weight room.

Gonna try to fast today. See if it's noticed. I'm an adult so no one can force me but I do hate conflict. That's my biggest problem. Dunno if it counts as a true fast tho since I intend to take my protein shakes. I do want to protect my muscle as much as I can. I'll even use milk. I have no casein powder but casein proteins naturally occur in milk, and I read that dairy calcium slows the absorbtion of fat. So some whey powder in a bit of milk is good for my goals.

Gah! Gack! Ack!
I need to burn my credit cards and glue my mouth shut! What a total fail of a day!.
The protein shake did rock... but when dinnertime finally came and I was actually hungry again.... ma got pizza! 3 meat pizza! I had 3 cheesy fatty greasy slices! With ranch doritos. At least I had milk instead of pop! And then the chips ahoy? Fail fail fail!

And that's not all. Oh no. I blew another $60 on drugstore.com AND I bought those rubber duckie tea infusers. And when I saw the shipping cost was a flat rate... I decided to order 3! Maybe I'll send one to Ms Ronson? I vaguely remember her mentioning a tea place on twitter or something, but I think she prefers iced tea. I know she's not much a coffee fan.

And on. Drugstore.com I got some plum organics babyfood to try (yea I'm gonna go there... I'm curious) and after I hit Purchase I noticed that I could have gotten a discount if i'd ordered more. Gah!
I also got another can of the chocolate Aria. I guess my subconcious likes it. Or my brain is malfunctioning.
Also picked up a bar of Lava soap. I swear... ever since I got off birth control... I have such a b.o. problem. I start smelling like onions right out of the shower. Not even 2 minutes. I got Degree, Secret, various Clinical Protection versions. Antibacterial soap. Even started wiping the underarms with rubbing alcohol. Lava soap is supposedly super heavy duty. Ingredients looks like it's got pumice in it. Well it'll be good for exfoliating if nothing else. And it was cheap.

But I really need to *stop spending money dammit*.

Oh.. I also got some Frownies xD even got the lil "rose water" bottle that Frownies claims to work best with.
All this $$ spent and I didn't even get the Buddy Fruits yet! Bad Honor!!

So yea...I'm pissed at myself for a number of reasons. I also did a bit of reading on that master cleanse... and I don't think there' much science behind it. Maple syrup is just a natural sugar, probably to cut the sour taste of the lemon. Lemon does fuck all. The cayenne does have some science. It does give a short, temporary calorie-burn boost, small one.. and water is obviously a good thing. Ofc the master cleanse guy is all about getting the *right* maple syrup etc... which he just so happens to sell. Scam?
Anyway I do like the idea of a cleanse. And some foods do have anti inflammaory properties and antioxidants etc. I just don't think the master cleanse is worth a penny.
My poor-girl cleanse is half a Go Greens packet with honey, cinnamon and a pinch of chili powder in water. Dunno if my chili powder has cayenne (doesn't say) but it does give me a lil kick. Placebo effect? Maybe. I just know that those pants are tighter than they were last night and this drink seems to help me.
Btw I looked up Detox #2 from pressedjuicery that Ronson is doing and it's pineapple, pear, ginger and mint. I do remember reading about the ginger (something about easing digestion) the pineapple and the mint, but no clue about the pear.
Sounds like it would taste a damn sight better than the master cleanse!

"Breakfast" or rather lunch... since dumbass me slept right thru my alarm again and didn't get up til almost 2pm grrrr...
Anyway had a few cool ranch doritos. So I will be partially blamed for them dissappearing. That's actually a good thing. Then a cup of milk with them (why does the ranch and milk combo make me think of Christmas?)
And the second cup of milk was brought upstairs and I added 2 Aria chocolate scoops.
Aria is a hell of a lot better in milk. Think I might even try one scoop in 8oz milk. I do use 2% after all. I know skim is better but I just hate the taste. Skim tastes plastic-y to me. I'm weird.
I should mention how Aria left a fine powdery film not only on my glass, but also in my mouth I'm used to powdery films from all my powdered drinks... but none of my powders left as visible a film as Aria did.

And just for fun.. I have long wanted those old Pride and Prejudice type hairstyles (fyi the one with Colin Firth and Jennifer Ehle is far superior to the Kiera Knightly one.)

Anyway so when I read that in those days women only washed their hair about once a week, I tried it.
Ummm... well my hair does stay pinned up very well and with fewer pins. And when *pinned up* it does look kinda nice. But my head itches like hell and my hair smells and is greasy and gross so I think I'll be very grateful that I don't live back then (oh yea, and being gay back then would have been miserable) and I'll just use gel.

I found a hair gel I adore. I'm a white girl with baby fine hair and my fave gel is from the section aimed at black women but don't ever let your skin tone keep you from good hair products. Not all black hair products are oil-based. Most are, but not all.

Long Aid is what I found in the blck section and I love it. It's water based, has aloe vera and panthenol and is completely clear and has a nice clean scent. It moisturizes and washes out easily. I hope work never stops carrying it because I do have a hard time finding it anywhere else.

Tea party was epic fun. Dunno why K kept talking about this Ronson person tho :p
Anyway when I logged off the chat room I had a pounding headache and a well-meaning "here eat this" from the fam turned into way too many empty calories.
And I still have the headache. And I don't know why. But it's very annoying. Waiting for the aspirins to kick in.... still.
I drank lots o tea. It was vitamin c tea. Can tea get old? But if it did get old wouldn't it upset my stomach instead of making my head pound?
Oh well. Off to take more aspirins and try to sleep. I'm now wearing a pair of pants that I can fasten for the first time in some 2 years as a reminder to not eat anymore.

Well I can't do chat hour from my phone. Sadness. But 4pm LA time is 7pm my time, I think. Soooo.
Hey K! I left a comment on lick a hobo but here too... my name is honorregzig (original huh?)
I used the 10minute mail.
And now I'm wondering if that was bad idea? Oh well... can emails be changed? I didn't put in my right age either... I misunderstood their format... I'm used to the month coming first! Oh well it's only a few months off.

And as I love talking about Samantha Ronson :p
Apparently she's on Detox #2 from pressedjuicery.com awwww. Twitter.com/samantharonson she calls Detox #2 the jumping off point.

I got 2 hours to tea time.

Thus far today I had a campbells soup at hand. Chicken and mini noodles. 80cals

reviews

Well I was right about the Fiber One bars. I think maybe I won't be buying them anymore. Too hard to eat just one. And I had such terrible farts all day. Ugh. I just shouldn't buy stuff at work anymore. Not much really healthy food there. It's basically a convenience store (like a gas station without the gas) that wants to consider itself a pharmacy/department store. Seriously. When you press a Help button, the computer announcer doesn't say assistance in aisel__. It says "Customer service in the ____ department"
What department? It's all one room! Pretentious much? Most of what I buy there is junk. I get a decent discount on the Pill Glide and my aspirin. They do have my turkey jerky... when it's actally in stock. But my vitamins and protein powders and my Go Greens and my protein bars etc etc are all bought online. Stop taking money to work and I'll save both money and calories.

Cal count today is 855 not including the one protein shake. 66g carbs tho. Oops.

My drugstore.com order arrived and I tried almost everything. So the rest of this post is gonna be about food. Food reviews of what I had today.

Lipton makes these lovely things called Cup a Soup. And the Spring Vegetable one is a mere 65 cals a serving, and each packet is one serving, 4 packets to a box, each box is $2. Very convenient. Especially for eating in front of others (they don't need to see the cals) there are noodles and bits of carrot easily visible in the soup. My fave flavor is the Creme of Chicken but Spring vegetable has more protein and fewer calories.

Later was a new item. Power Crunch protein energy bars. I got the Triple Chocolate flavor... and I think it's insanely good. It's very much like a giant chocolate wafer cookie. It's cheaper than atkins, tastes better, but does have just a few more calories. Power Crunch-210 vs atkins-200. I'm not concerned about the diff. These power crunch bars taste good and have 13g protein for 10g carbs and no sugar alcohols to make me gassy. The only thing is gotta wait a bit after eating it cuz the texture is so light that you don't feel full right away. Feelings of saiety hit me about 30mins later. Will probably buy these again.

Next up was the protein shake that I dunno exactly how many calories it had. I tried a new arrival, new to me anyway.
Designer Whey Aria women's protein -vanilla flavor. 2 scoops in 8oz water gives 80cal, 14g protein, and only 3g carbs. I had my 20oz blenderbottle not quite full. 4 scoops was for 16oz so the weakness was expected. Add 2 more...still doesn't taste good. Started adding about a half scoop at a time and tasting again. Decided I just must not like the flavor or something.
The powder is very finely milled and dissolves easily. I'll give it that.
Will probably give to mom, or at least take downstairs. I'm already known for using powdered drink mixes especially at work so it's shrugged off as me being weird.

Actually I think a good tip is to have bodybuilder type foods around, and to sometimes be seen eating them. Bodybuilder products give you good protein for your calorie buck and the mental associations with bodybuilders (few people ever suspect them of anorexia) helps keep suspicion away. Easier to say you have a killer metabolism if peeps think you eat the same stuff bodybuilders do. Or at least that's my experience.

Next ...South Beach Living snack pack delights -dark chocolate covered soynuts... ooooo I loved this! 100cal packs. 7 packs in a box... I had 2 over course of day and I will be getting these again.

South Beach Living snack pack delights -energy mix. This is salted nuts, various nuts peanuts cashews almonds.. basically a trail mix without the carby parts. The chocolate is those dark chocolate covered soynuts that I already liked. Had 1. 160cal packs, 5 packs to a box.

Last was a bar called Twisted, all natural energy bar with protein...is what it is called. It's not bad. I didn't taste much peanut or caramel. Maybe that sliver of "nougat" was peanut-ish flavored... but the pretzels were crispy. And the chocolaty coating was sufficiently chocolate-like. I haven't decided if I want to get them again. But they're not bad, especially if you like the sweet-salty combos.

I am hungry right now... it's been 5 hours since the Twisted bar so I'm gonna measure out 8oz of water and try the chocolate Aria. Brb.
2 scoops in 8oz was watery. 3 scoops is better. I stopped at 3 1/2 scoops because of some very mild clumping. It's still a bit watery, with a hint of Ovaltine. (Please tell me I'm not the only person who's tried Ovaltine)
Again the powder is very finely ground and actually mixes best with a spoon in a glass. When shaken in my blenderbottle earlier it actually got foamy, like a milkshake. Haven't decided if I'll get it again. The chocolate flavor I kinda like... maybe I'll play with adding it to milk... or adding a bit to my Body Fortress protein powder.

Aria is normally like $14 for 12oz... yikes! It's on sale right now, almost half off. So I tried it. I won't buy it full price. My Body Fortress powder full price is about $20, sometimes $16... but you get a big 2lb jar for that price. It doesn't dissolve as well as the Aria but the chocolate flavor (what I get) is stronger. If I do like mixing the Aria in then I'll get more soon. I refuse to pay $14 for a mere 12oz can.

And that's my review. Everything mentioned was bought from drugstore.com if you wanna look anything up. Actually I do wanna mention Agrolabs Green Envy... insanely expensive but sooooo good. Like a cross between a vegetable juice and a puree. I like it. Ofc it's better to use a juicer and your own fresh veggies but where I live the plants are dead for the winter and any "frsh veggies" are being trucked/flown in from several states south. So... yea.

G'nite all. I hope me being a guinea pig has helped someone out there :)

I am soooooo gonna regret this tomorrow.
Been having monster chocolate cravings. But I've been good about getting rid of the candy to other fam members.
So the only chocolate is those yummy oats and chocolate Fiber One bars.
I had 4 before I managed to slam the brakes.
who needs saltwater flush with a binge like that? I am so gonna feel like hell later.
Ugh actually the fiber must be expanding cuz now I feel uncomfortably full.
And this was after snacking on frosted mini-wheats like they were cookies.
I am gonna regret this.....

Tho it did keep me from dropping more money shopping online. Wtf with the shopaholism lately? Sign of bordeom? I have been housebound but kitty is doing well so hoping I can at least take a walk tomorrow. I mean my first order hasn't even arrived yet and I'm already looking to spend more? Bad Honor!

Anyway... so... accountability. I keep hearing how accountability is the key to success. This blog community rocks. I'm sooo happy to know I'm not alone. I don't feel like quite so much a freak. Don't feel as isolated. I haven't used this blog to be accountable tho, and it's my fault I slacked off there. You guys and gals all rock! So am gonna try to get my weight out even tho I'm still ashamed. Accountability! Telling someone else about weight loss efforts and goals was proven somewhere to make weight loss happen. Doesn't make that first step less scary tho.

A few days before I started this blog I was 173. I would sit reading Ana Regzig while stuffing my face, wishing I had her willpower. I had found her blog while looking up the models who died from anorexia complications and she named Ana Carolina Reston on her site. (Tho I prefer skinnyness myself, I don't like how models basically have anorexia forced on them in order to keep their jobs. Ana Regzig often talked about feeling the pain of losing a job to a skinnier girl, so yea I think fashion and entertainment do shove girls into eating disorders... moving on)

So started at 173. And last week i'd gotten down to 156... but I'm climbing again. And it's my own damn fault. I have not been counting calories or carbs. I have rarely exercised. And I have hidden my lack of progress even from myself. Combine that with a screwed up sleeping pattern and yea... I'm unhappy. My vacation is passing by and I'm sitting on my fat ass and making it fatter.
This stops now.
I gotta try to sleep.
And try to figure out how to get my stats on the side.
And see if I can run K's tea party website on my phone. Cuz dunno where I might be when teatime comes.

Hahahaha! So I have Samantha's twitter bookmarked on my phone and guess what she tweeted earlier tonight? She sent out the website www.pressedjuicery.com saying for those in LA who want to be healthy without having to hold their noses. Go look! Twitter.com/samantharonson

And the site sells juice fasts.. or as they're euphamistically known... juice cleanses. They're labelled as cleanses and detoxes but cmon we all know that's just a bunch of politically correct nonsense for juice fast. You think Samantha does juice fasts? Awwww, like I really needed another reason to adore her. So cuuuuute! And also a bit reassuring. Like maybe she has to work a bit to keep her current figure just like the rest of us have to work on our figures. :)
But whatever Samantha is doing does look good on her. She still seems to be looking much better lately.
Ofc I don't live in LA. And even if I did I doubt I could afford pressedjuicery.com but still... it made me smile.

Speaking of juices... or rather fruit purees... I found something very nice before vacation started... a lil something called Buddy Fruits. Lil 3oz sippable fruit purees. They were in the candy aisle at work but I googled them and they're intended for toddlers. Toddlers eat good! Wow yummy yummy! The apple + multifruit is my fave of the 2 I tried. Other was apple + strawberry.
Anyway.. so this is why I keep hearing about baby food diets. Good food with no whacked additives and little preparation. So ofc I hit up drugstore dot com... no buddy fruits there but I'm looking at some other organic stuff. Just gotta be careful to not get it spotted. Good thing sealed baby food doesn't need refrigeration.
I can get my buddy fruits on buddyfruits.com but what the hell is paypal?

And I'm quickly seeing why anas prefer to live alone, even tho it's depressing to come home to a cold and empty place. At least there's no one to question strange food choices and eating habits. I didn't notice before how often I get asked if I've eaten. And I suck at lying. I am a legal adult so not much anyone can do that way... I'm just conflict avoidance.

thoughts on music

Alone at home catsitting. One of our dear lil cats had to have some teeth pulled soo i get to spend my vacation housebound cuz he needs to be fed soft foods and his antibiotics. And he also needs to be watched cuz the meds make him act like a little furry drunk. Currently napping in his cat carrier. When the door's open it's like a cave and most my cats like it. Makes it easier to get them in it for the vet's i'll say.

Moving on... once again I'm writing a post in response to a post of K's cuz well.. i don't think leaving an essay-length comment would be very polite. :)

I've got a bunch of youtube windows open and Lights songs are in all of them. I figured that'll keep me from getting too depressing while I write this.

K asked about songs we like. Fav artists etc. And I'm not sure I can really answer that. One reason is i often have to google song lyrics before i even know what group/singer i'm hearing... so it's possible that I DO like a lot of groups or songs on her list but I don't know their names!

And secondly.. even songs that i don't "like" i still play, it depends on my mood.

Music is my drug. i use songs to manipulate my mood.

Lights makes me bouncy and happy. She's so sweet and young and fresh and Ice is playing right now and even though the lyrics seem to be about a heartbreak, the song's style is bouncy and gonna-fight-back kinda thing. (and the video makes me smile) I hope she does great not only in album sales... i also hope she doesn't get ruined by the evil machine of Hollywood/Fame/Etc (No, I don't lust after her. I've got a mental block about lusting after those more than 5 or 6 years younger than me. And this kid seems young enough to be my child. How old is she?)

I've got some Evanescence (dunno if it's pre-Fallen stuff, is Fallen an album name?), some Kamelot, and being raised by music teachers I do love Chopin. And Bach and Mozart and Beethoven and Handel and all them. (Mozart's Requiem... cry!)

Gotta love Gaga. She's for my Righteous Anger moods. I'm actually trying to storyboard out an music video idea I have to Gaga's Bad Romance, about the pressures on women to be skinny. It really is cruel how we're rewarded for being thin but then there's the "too thin" line and we get punished. Then we gain weight and then we're fat and called lazy and that we just let ourselves go. Society is really fucking sexist.

Ever really look at Gaga's Paparazzi video? How the money has Gaga's pic, she's a product. How he carries her out where the paps can see her.. How when the boy shoves Gaga off that railing *while cameras are rolling on them both* the paps take pics of her after she falls but the boy doesn't get arrested? How the headlines talked about HER being over?And then the flashes of other pretty dead women. And Gaga poisons the boy and she gets arrested? But even as she's arrested the headlines are about how she rocks? And how people love her again? And with the lyrics... There's a lot going on in that video.

And now i got Bad Romance on. I love youtube.. there are so many songs i would never have heard, so many artists I would never have found, without youtube videos.

Notice how Gaga has other women dragging her character out of the tub, pouring stuff in her mouth, yanking that coat off her body and throwing her out to the men. And it made me think about how it's usually other women who make me feel bad about myself. Back when I did still date guys, they didn't give a fuck about where i bought my clothes or if i was in style or not. They just wanted me to be happy when i was around. It's other girls who would laugh at my clothes, my bad haircuts and perms, my out of date coats. I was poor. Guys didn't much care, but the girls laughed at me.
And often here on other blogs i'll read about a mom or a cousin or an aunt, another WOMAN, who made skinniness into a fucking contest with the blog writer.

And if you do manage to stay in that "socially acceptable skinniness" zone... then you will be appreciated and rewarded even if it's anorexic behaviors that keep you in that acceptable zone.
Our society is seriously fucked up.

And I'm actually getting warm and a faster heart rate. Time to calm down and put Lights back on.
Cuz i'm about to get a bit personal and I need the calming influence.

Samantha Ronson... I first knew her as Charlotte's twin. i found Charlotte first, sometime in 2007, while looking up female designers. I wondered if women designers made more wearable clothes since a woman designer would actually wear her creations while guy designers just play dress-up with the models. And well.. I'm aware fashion is subjective and not everyone will like Charlotte's work. I do like her work.
And while looking at some stills of her with her models, i caught a pic of her and Annabelle, with that big happy smile. I knew her sister modelled for her, but what shocked me is when i realized i'd seen that happy smile before.
My brain flashed back to a pic I'd seen years ago of Charlotte and Annabelle, with Annabelle smiling that same big happy grin that is soo contagious. And another girl in the picture wearing a red coat with rainbow trim, a very pretty girl. I could not remember her name, only that Charlotte had a twin.
ABout the same time I'd been seeing a pretty blonde girl with soulful eyes in the background of various lindsay lohan pics on the fashion sites. lindsay tended to be listed under the Leggings Are Not Pants section (especially on Go Fug Yourself heh) And thanks to lindsay's fashion choices i've seen about as much of her as her gyno. And i really didn't need those mental images. Especially the... down below. And who needs to see the stretch marks under her breasts or how high her nips sit on her (which is actually why i wonder if she had implants at some point.. those nips are sooo high!)
But it never occured to me that the pretty blonde hiding in the background was the missing twin whose name i could not remember.
it wasn't until Miz Leggings Lohan appeared on MY Charlotte's runway that I finally made the connection. And i was shocked at the change in Samantha's appearance. So that's when i did my digging. Found her Myspace page, her selfportrait.net page (which I need to find again since all my bookmarks were lost in a virus attack) and a lots of youtubes from her longterm fans (many thanks to them)

And her songs affected me in a way that no other song or songwriter ever has.

songs are my drug, I've said that. They take me to different imaginary places in my head, some happy and fun and some sad and some angry, and i watch various characters of mine run around and act out whatever i'm feeling. Or i imagine myself doing something, conquering a fear of mine or something.
But Samantha's songs...
I saw my own past, i was remembering rather than imagining. Something about her songs helped me process some very painful events in my past. Like she didn't just know how I felt.. but also WHY i felt that way.
Which is silly but that's what i see in my head with her songs. i see my own actions. not my dreams, but my realities. and it helps me deal.

That's why Samantha Ronson means so damn much to me.. and why i can't hear her songs very often.

The Ronsons tried so hard to support that relationship. When Dina and Aliana were going "omg they're just friends!" Mark Ronson (producer, did Amy Winhouse album, has 3 Grammys) was saying "yea lindsay and my sister make a cute couple, don't they?"
Charlotte shared her runway. That's a big fucking deal. She's been working her ass off trying to be taken seriously. She's been designing clothes longer than she's been on Fashion Week because she wasn't recognized for a few years. I'm having trouble figuring out just when she started designing. 2000? 1998? She was so unrecognized that she just passed right under the radar.
And you'd think that since Mick Jones of Foreigner was their stepfather that being under the radar would have been hard. But they managed it.
And Charlotte shared her runway with lindsay. i heard rumors of a handbag collaboration but i haven't seen it. Anyone seen it?

Anyway.. my point is that Samantha's song mean a lot to me, so Samantha herself is important to me.And I really want some sort of assurance that lindsay understands she was being a total bitch to Samantha and that lindsay will NOT ever again throw shit at Samantha, break her windows, send the fucking paps after her, post Samantha's friends's private phone numbers on twitter, accuse Samantha of cheating, accuse Samantha of doing drugs or any of that shit.

Music is my drug. Some drugs can be healing.
I <3 Ronson.

a useless post

I have now discovered the epicness of the Yummy Secrets blog. Seriously good info over there. And her thoughts on pro-ana are a lot like mine. And she even thinks eating disorders might be genetic.
Am reading from the beginning and already she's made me laugh. I also eat my skittles by color. And have my fave combos. I thought everyone did that?
Also reading about the bracelets. I need to go find the pics where it looked like there was some red on samantha's wrist. She wears so many bracelets tho so it could be nothing, but now I have more colors to look for I'm strangely curious. I also want to find my bright pink peace sign bracelet. It's bright pink and not light pink but it's the best I got. And the peace sign will let me pass it off as a hippie thing.
I have a hard time finding bracelets that fit. I have a small frame. Even overweight (medically overweight) my wrist is like a 6 inch circumference. I am apple shape, carry the weight in my belly. I look pregnant and it pulls at my poor twisted spine. Gotta drop lbs and I'm not exactly doing it "the healthy way". Oh well.

After midnight. Diet starts now. Sunday was cheat day, idea I got from pasternak's 5 Factor Fitness (is it normal to know multiple diet plans by name? I always thought so.)

And then she talks about her ADD and suddenly it was like she was writing about my life. How I crave structure but somehow I can't create structure. How I keep losing track of important shit like due dates. How hard and tiring it is to try to get organized and get shit done.

I don't have all the issues she does but the ADD and EDNOS stuff was spot on. And it's nice to feel less alone. :)
I think I'm in love.
And looks like I need to read Stick Figure at some point. Yummy's review does make it sound like a book I can identify with. Public school was pretty pointless for me too. Maybe that's why I really don't want to finish college. I love it. Perhaps I'm unconciously sabotaging my college grades?
No way I'm borderline or anything like that. I'm not looking for something to define me. I prefer being undefined. I do want respect tho. To not have what I say about myself be dismissed.
Although in perfect honesty, I have sometimes had terrifying moments where I felt that I could actually choose to love someone or not. I just chalk it up to effects of having the abusive daddie dearest.

I am amused that Yummy also noticed Louise from Super Skinny Me.

Perhaps I should apply to have my blog added to her list? Do I really fit? I'd be honored by the inclusion but I'm still not sure if the term pro-ana applies to me, like I said earlier. I am ana-accepting. Is that enough? Because I still bounce between feeling all guilty like i-should-try-to-recover and sometimes I'm all OMFG-get-this-evil-ugly-fat-off-me-NOW so... I dunno.

Wow this post was useless.

Back on my phone. Well, the monthly bleeding kicked in yesterday and I spent most of the day sleeping. And slept through the night. Still could sleep more. That's just how periods affect me.

Wanted to wave at K, and yea I totally agree about kate on super skinny me. Kate's the one who did the anorexic thing, and honestly when I first saw that show I thought her "method journalism" thing was really strange. I thought journalism was about faithfully telling someone else's story? It does seem to me like kate thought this experiment was the perfect excuse to deliberately try to develop an eating disorder. I was offended. It made eating disorders look like a choice. The first "diet" kate tried was master cleanse/lemonade. And then the extreme detox centers, and the detox lady even said that detoxing for weight loss wasn't the normal motivation. Kate deliberately aimed for the most disordered behavior she could. It was very offensive.

Louise is the one I really paid attention to. She did the watercress soup fad for a bit but most of the time she seemed to be on fairly sane diets. She cut her calories and upped the workouts. While kate was on master cleanse Louise was eating 1500 a day and burning 1000 in workouts. Then the watercress nonsense and then the protein diet that she stayed on for the rest of the experiment. And her body really changed even though her weight loss was slow. I think she actually turned some of her fat into muscle. And that's a really hard thing to do.

I looked up the kekwick diet baby sis said she was gonna try. It's a ketosis diet in that it's very low carb. But where atkins says go high protein, kekwick says go high fat. You focus on healthy fats like fish and nuts and avocados. Meats and dairy are ok. Kekwick foods are basically the atkins fooods, as protein and fat tend to come together naturally. Ofc if you buy those food bars and meal replacements etc then protein and fat might not be together. But in nature, in natural foods, protein and fat like to run together.

Looks like I may have picked up a few new readers. Hiiii! So I wanna point out that I don't have a younger sister with an eating disorder. "Baby sis" is my nickname for Starving Artist. She posted a pic on her blog and she looks sooooo much like a younger (and shorter heh heh) version of me that I claimed her as my baby sis and now I gleefully nag her and pick on heer about stuff that is none of my business ^_^

Maybe I'll say I'm dieting with her. I'm not doing kekwick but they're both lipolysis/ketosis diets. I dunno. I do need to go make my protein shake lunch tho. Kinda slept thru breakfast. Byeeeeeee.

So here i am again.. it's nearly 5am and i'm the only one up soo on computer again :D
I feel like I should take advantage of this to just upload several trucks of pics. hmm.. well maybe just one pic.. an old promo pic from 2004 before Rocafella crashed and burned or something... anyway whatever happened that Sam's album never got released. I honestly don't know what happened.

She is pretty. But this outfit doesn't seem quite natural to me. maybe because I'm not used to seeing her in these promo type pics?

I still drool tho... so let's move on.
Reading other blogs... very nice to read on a big screen (getting a headache anyway) and K at bitemebabyx had an interesting post about the "pro-ana movement" and i found myself agreeing with ... everything, actually.
exact post link: http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/im-posting-lot-today.html
(yea even on a computer i suck at internets so yea... the make-a-link not working for me or something)

I would consider my blog to be ana-accepting. I really think it's a sucky disorder to have... i really don't like having ana the bitch yelling in my head. I spent my teen years, my prettier years, hiding thanks to the mental bitch. Now I'm getting old and when i finally started to get a bit brave about wearing revealing clothes.. finally better at telling the bitch to fuck herself... yea i'm old! Either too fat or too old. Sigh. EDs suck. Don't wanna encourage anyone to get one.

But if you already have an ED... it's wrong to shame you. I think being anorexic is a lot like being an alcoholic or a druggie.. some people are genetically vulnerable to it. You know how some can smoke for years and never get lung cancer but others start dying after just a few years? That's genetics.

I thought i had recovered. Then that fucking "church" shit hit me and I relapsed. i managed to avoid physical illness but oh the mental shit! the mind games ana plays!

So ana tells me i'm too fat... and on the nights i did fast a bit.. i'd have a nightmare about that rape attempt i fought off. it was nearly 10 years ago now and still freaks me out. he was so damn close. and i was dating the fucker at the time. (obviously not out yet)
i did NOT want sex with him but we'd been dating all thru high school and he figured he'd fucking earned a right to my body.

and i keep thinking that if i got truly thin and delicate... he could succeed.

if any guy touches me like that again.... i seriously want to be able to beat the shit out of him.

poor R really freaked when i broke down and told him about the rape attempt. R still lived on the other side of the country back then. he hated how he couldn't help me. he got himself up here because of that attempt. R is my best friend. My bodyguard. He walked me thru understanding my thoughts about sex and women. He slept in my bed without pushing for sex. He's a perfect gentleman, my knight. There need to be more men like him.

wow did i digress there. anyway so i dunno if i'd call my blog "pro-ana" because i just accept it. I don't promote it. I guess i'd be in K's third category too? i do hold to the idea of Your Body = Your Choice and i hate how anorexia is somehow more shameful than obesity. Pisses me off... it takes a lot more effort to fight thru hunger and work out than it does to shove mcdonalds in your gob. So we're starving because we're needy yet the fatasses aren't stuffing their faces for the exact same reason? What about all those mag articles about emotional eating? Duh! I hate double standards.
So I'm not gonna push anyone into recovery either. I'll just... accept you as you are. I just want us all to live. To all stay alive and at least somewhat happy. If you're happiest at a BMI of 18 then fine. If you wanna eat 1,800 a day or 800 a day.. either way, ok.
Recovery doesn't work unless you're ready for it, anyway.

And I keep losing my point here.
i am willing to "help" in some ways. Sometimes i feel guilty. EDs suck! So am i encouraging? But if she's already got an ED is it really bad to try to help her cope with it? In my case it's like being alcoholic... always there. Even if just barely there, a horrid emotional wounding can bring the demons back. We gotta help each other cuz only we understand what each other are going thru... right? I do want everyone to live. If you're only gonna have a few calories a day, better make them good nutritious ones! Does that make me an enabler?

I just want us all to be happy and alive on our various paths. In control of our various paths.

In other news, I am soooo hungry right now. Might be why i dropped over 100 dollars on various protein things online. Somewhere on youtube there's a show called Super Skinny Me: the race to size double zero, and the lady who lost the weight without losing her mind did it on a very annoying (but effective) protein shake diet. So here i go with the ketogenic idea yet again? Living here with the family members? yea cuz it worked so well the last time. Oh well.... the Aria powders were half off so i figured I'd try them at least. Also got more of that one atkins bar i liked and a few new things to try.
and my halloween candy is slowly being eaten by others :)

And I'm listening to February Air on youtubes for the umpteenth time and wow i must be tired cuz suddenly i was thinking why doesn't our little Purple Planet Princess have a mom? Or mom-figure. And yea.. you know who i was thinking of. They both have the soulful eyes thing going and she's old enough so ... yea anyway i need to go to bed and stay there.

i can haz pics?

ugh.. actually at computer let's hope i get to stay here. Damn that sucked.
I wanted to post some of my fave pics today. Still haven't figured out how to get pics off my phone buuut I haz others.

Soo as rough draft type thing.. i've tried to post my alltime fave of Samantha. It was taken sometime in late 2003 and she's on set for her music video for Pull My Hair Out, which was released in 2004. So this pic is old.

I think she looked better before she met Lohan. i really do. It's like with lindsay Sam felt a need to be as butch as she could or something. She had a buzz cut for fuck's sake.

She does her nails in pink, regularly. Because she likes it. She color coordinates her shirts with her shoes. I really don't think Samantha is a butch. I think she's a girly girl who likes to play on the androgyny/tomboy line.

gonna also try to post another oldie.. taken when Samantha and Annabelle were making one of Charlotte's earliest fashion vidoes.

I'm racking my brain trying to remember the year here. Spring 2006? Wait... found it. Thank you Charlotte for your archives :D
http://www.charlotteronson.com/campaign/video/video_spring06.php

 Seems obvious that Annabelle is far more comfy in front of the camera, but Samantha loves her family so yea she got uncomfortable for her twin.

I think this is the only vid Sam ever did for Charlotte. I've watched most of them but I probably missed a few.

Sometimes Samantha reminds me of a painfully shy cousin I have. This cousin actually needs a few drinks just to talk in public. She had to get drunk just to get through the dances at her wedding reception. And Samantha does seem tipsy in the youtubes of her performances with her friends Jalopy and when she was sharing the stage with Mick Jones and Foreigner. So.. yea i think maybe she's painfully shy in group social situations, though she seems brave enough in other situations.

This one is from August 1999, when she was still dating Happy Massee (did i spell that right?)
I think she's sitting on his lap. She likes sitting on laps. the only reason I'm willing to have a lap is so she can sit on it (let's ignore how i'm never gonna meet her, ok?)
She's said many times that most of the inspiration for her album Red (which was never fully released) came from the ex-boyfriend Happy. They're on friends terms now, as far as i know. The breakup was in 2002 sometime. It's interesting how the tabloids cast Sam as "the man" (homophobic much?) in the relationship yet Sam's the one with a history of long-term relationships with guys.

i don't like looking at pics of the "Rohan" times, they were cute at first but it got ugly fast. Samantha didn't just lose weight... she'd always been skinny. No, she looked dead. She looked exhausted most of the time, no color to her cheeks, and dead eyes. Made me sad. Then the Dec 2008 collapse sent Sam to the hospital overnight, then public fight after public fights, then March 2009 the broken windows and then the intervention of April 2009... go look how she looked then. She looked very ill. Like she should have been hospitalized. And this year, before rehab, lindsay threw both cigarettes and drinks at Samantha's head, at various times and in public.

A hint about my age... by the time each lindsay movie came out, I had already grown out of the age group the movie was aimed at. So I was never on the Yay Lilo bandwagon. I didn't even know she existed. She was just some under-dressed brat trying to show her junk to as many people as possible. So my opinion of lindsay was decided by how she treated Samantha. I am not pleased with lindsay. I am not her fan.

To end on a brighter note, Samantha is beginning to get her color back. And allowing her hair to grow out. I'm not impressed with how much gel she puts on her hair but I'm amused by the wee ponytail she often sports.

I do wish she'd quit smoking.

bikini shot! and a girly bikini too.


fyi: i don't own any of these pics and i don't intend any copyright infringement. if i get asked to take a pic down i will. I just wanted to show how pretty she can be.