So here i am again.. it's nearly 5am and i'm the only one up soo on computer again :D
I feel like I should take advantage of this to just upload several trucks of pics. hmm.. well maybe just one pic.. an old promo pic from 2004 before Rocafella crashed and burned or something... anyway whatever happened that Sam's album never got released. I honestly don't know what happened.

She is pretty. But this outfit doesn't seem quite natural to me. maybe because I'm not used to seeing her in these promo type pics?

I still drool tho... so let's move on.
Reading other blogs... very nice to read on a big screen (getting a headache anyway) and K at bitemebabyx had an interesting post about the "pro-ana movement" and i found myself agreeing with ... everything, actually.
exact post link: http://bitemebabyx.blogspot.com/2010/11/im-posting-lot-today.html
(yea even on a computer i suck at internets so yea... the make-a-link not working for me or something)

I would consider my blog to be ana-accepting. I really think it's a sucky disorder to have... i really don't like having ana the bitch yelling in my head. I spent my teen years, my prettier years, hiding thanks to the mental bitch. Now I'm getting old and when i finally started to get a bit brave about wearing revealing clothes.. finally better at telling the bitch to fuck herself... yea i'm old! Either too fat or too old. Sigh. EDs suck. Don't wanna encourage anyone to get one.

But if you already have an ED... it's wrong to shame you. I think being anorexic is a lot like being an alcoholic or a druggie.. some people are genetically vulnerable to it. You know how some can smoke for years and never get lung cancer but others start dying after just a few years? That's genetics.

I thought i had recovered. Then that fucking "church" shit hit me and I relapsed. i managed to avoid physical illness but oh the mental shit! the mind games ana plays!

So ana tells me i'm too fat... and on the nights i did fast a bit.. i'd have a nightmare about that rape attempt i fought off. it was nearly 10 years ago now and still freaks me out. he was so damn close. and i was dating the fucker at the time. (obviously not out yet)
i did NOT want sex with him but we'd been dating all thru high school and he figured he'd fucking earned a right to my body.

and i keep thinking that if i got truly thin and delicate... he could succeed.

if any guy touches me like that again.... i seriously want to be able to beat the shit out of him.

poor R really freaked when i broke down and told him about the rape attempt. R still lived on the other side of the country back then. he hated how he couldn't help me. he got himself up here because of that attempt. R is my best friend. My bodyguard. He walked me thru understanding my thoughts about sex and women. He slept in my bed without pushing for sex. He's a perfect gentleman, my knight. There need to be more men like him.

wow did i digress there. anyway so i dunno if i'd call my blog "pro-ana" because i just accept it. I don't promote it. I guess i'd be in K's third category too? i do hold to the idea of Your Body = Your Choice and i hate how anorexia is somehow more shameful than obesity. Pisses me off... it takes a lot more effort to fight thru hunger and work out than it does to shove mcdonalds in your gob. So we're starving because we're needy yet the fatasses aren't stuffing their faces for the exact same reason? What about all those mag articles about emotional eating? Duh! I hate double standards.
So I'm not gonna push anyone into recovery either. I'll just... accept you as you are. I just want us all to live. To all stay alive and at least somewhat happy. If you're happiest at a BMI of 18 then fine. If you wanna eat 1,800 a day or 800 a day.. either way, ok.
Recovery doesn't work unless you're ready for it, anyway.

And I keep losing my point here.
i am willing to "help" in some ways. Sometimes i feel guilty. EDs suck! So am i encouraging? But if she's already got an ED is it really bad to try to help her cope with it? In my case it's like being alcoholic... always there. Even if just barely there, a horrid emotional wounding can bring the demons back. We gotta help each other cuz only we understand what each other are going thru... right? I do want everyone to live. If you're only gonna have a few calories a day, better make them good nutritious ones! Does that make me an enabler?

I just want us all to be happy and alive on our various paths. In control of our various paths.

In other news, I am soooo hungry right now. Might be why i dropped over 100 dollars on various protein things online. Somewhere on youtube there's a show called Super Skinny Me: the race to size double zero, and the lady who lost the weight without losing her mind did it on a very annoying (but effective) protein shake diet. So here i go with the ketogenic idea yet again? Living here with the family members? yea cuz it worked so well the last time. Oh well.... the Aria powders were half off so i figured I'd try them at least. Also got more of that one atkins bar i liked and a few new things to try.
and my halloween candy is slowly being eaten by others :)

And I'm listening to February Air on youtubes for the umpteenth time and wow i must be tired cuz suddenly i was thinking why doesn't our little Purple Planet Princess have a mom? Or mom-figure. And yea.. you know who i was thinking of. They both have the soulful eyes thing going and she's old enough so ... yea anyway i need to go to bed and stay there.