Awwwww Mich <3 <3 <3
Can I publish your comment tho? It's got your email in it!
Hugs to baby sis.

I called off yesterday and today. Fuck this, I gotta get better! Or at least up to functioning. Mom had this before me and she's saying I should be nearing the end.

Had a temperature of almost 102 yesterday. I used one of those old mercury thermometers. I took my temp after I woke up feeling like I was having hot flashes. Feels like my temp is lower now, but still got sore throat w cough. Slight wheeze. Feel kinda warm. Have been on mostly liquids cuz my throat is that sore. My ensure knockoff cans expire in feb 2011 so I figured what the hell? Need to get them gone anyway. Got 9 cans left now. Mom sweetly bought me soups and nyquil. I've been using the nyquil but only one soup. Just not hungry much. Plus the usual hurts to swallow thing. Bleh. I hate being sick. It's uncomfy and it's boring. I'm actually looking forward to that 10hour shift now. I need money! I have now called off 3 days in a row! Ugh!

Gonna drink my food can, take more nyquil, and back to bed!

Looks like blogger is back to normal. Sadly I can't say the same about my poor body.
I am sick. Runny nose, cough, sore throat, and the hoarse voice that tends to come with, and the occasional pounding headache. I actually called off work today. I almost never call off. I need money. Needing $ = work as much as possible. Blahhhh... don't suppose anyone's in the mood to buy some mary kay off me? I do have a website....ofc that website is connected to my "real-life" account. Hmmmm maybe best to stay anon. And I'm not sure I can legally ship outside the USA. Oh well, it was a nice thought.

So I'm here sucking down the cough drops and the Chloraseptic spray. Store manager was not happy... I chose to take that as a compliment. I do work hard. Hate my job but work hard anyway. Any money is better than no money.
Fuck I feel awful. My poor nose is raw from all the blowing. Being sick sucks.

I actually don't get sick very often. My immune system is pretty strong. My digestion is what's delicate. I can get food poisoning easy but things like colds and coughs rarely get past the sniffles stage. I'll have constant sniffles but rarely anything more serious. Which is probably good cuz work only gives us 6 sick days a year. And as far as I know they can't be banked.

Gonna take the tomato cup a soups down and eat em so I can take some nyquil without throwing up. Then it's back to bed.

Cheers.

Edit...I am on verizon. So perhaps it's a verizon issue.... suddenly glad I didn't pay the whole bill. What are those fuckers doing?
Fun sidenote....samantha ronson is also on verizon (I was on it first, I didn't choose verizon she was one it :p) and she's been tweeting up a storm about how pissed she is at them.
Sigh....maybe I should switch.


Is anyone else having some serious issues with Blogger?
Maybe it's cuz I'm on my phone but comment boxes on other blogs do not load. I go to moderate comments and I get big wall o text.
Buttons don't show up. Even Dashboard was just a big wall 'o text earlier.
Even google isn't working very well. For several hours today whenever I pulled up my phone's browser (a mini version of Safari I think) the google homepage didn't load and instead my phone kept downloading something called m.gif or was it m.jpg?
Some blogs won't even load for me. I'm very annoyed. And the blogs that do load have no comment boxes.
Am I the only one with this problem?
Here's hoping this posts.

Can't watch the vid on phone but the write-up and comments...it sounds like a sweet tearjerker.
http://mobile.dlisted.com/node/40159#comments

Christmas was kinda nice. I slept most the day, got fed by stepmom (good cook) and watched an adorably silly movie called scott pilgrim vs the world. Spent most the time over there with the siblings, who are very sheltered and think "pissed" is a swear word.
And yet they can watch a vid like scott pilgrim. But the gay references were more comedic than sexual so I guess that makes it ok?
Anyway half-sis got me a pair of fuzzy fuzzy warm pajamas...just like hers. I'd seen hers and they looked so warm I asked where they came from. So she got me a pair, only in soft pink :) and stepmom probably paid soooo...I dunno.still angry at daddie dearest but it's not like I'm angry with everyone in that house. The half-sibs weren't even born when the shit was going down.

But I am still mad at him. He didn't just reduce my mother to poverty and beat her...he also stole from her. There's a mixing bowl in that house I recognize as my maternal grandmother's. He also took her dining room table and chairs, which the court specifically awarded to my mom. He also took a bureau that matched mom's china cabinet.

He also took mom's wedding ring. He claims that mom pawned it but that's bullshit. My mother still has the love letters from her 6th grade boyfriend. That's right, sixth fucking grade. She's that sentimental. So when she said he took it...I believe her story over his.
So yes I am mad at him. And all I want is the stolen items returned. Especially the ring and the bowl, cuz I've got some sentimental value there too. A girl inherits her mom's rings...and I remember grandma using that bowl. I'd happily take money instead of the furniture. Current house has no room for the furniture :)

Moving on, mom's side of the fam sent their presents over since mom stayed home sick. Grandpa sent $50 cash and aunt sent a lovely shirt and a bath set..along with a gentle note that I have a BO problem. Yeah, I strongly suspect my rotting shower stall (literally rusting and rotting out) may have something to do with it. I wish I wasn't so poor. My bathroom really needs to be redone. The shower door opens less than halfway cuz it hits the sink. And the toilet is right next to shower facing the sink. I should draw a picture sometime. I have a scar on the top of my right foot from getting caught on that damn door. The shower is one of those all-in-one units that you basically just pop in and hook up the water. Think it would at least be possible to somehow get the damn door off and replace it with a simple curtain and rod? The door is rotting. Rust and rot.

Haven't wweighed yet. Judging by my clothes I may well be back to the old starting weight. Eeks. Got tomorrow's menu and jan 1st but haven't drawn up the menus to connect them. The idea is to step down to jan fast (aiming for a humble 30hrs again) and I know if I just up and cut cals I'll get ill and then binge. And that's just not a fun road to go down.

Ok I go back to work tomorrow (well...today now heh) so sleepytime for me.

Soooooo tired right now. Retail xmas sucks dirty baboon balls. Today was one of my few days off and I just slept thru the entire friggen day. No one cooked so I munched some of my carby foods and candies that aren't on the jan food list. Then slept some more. I let the wrappers pile up so I had some idea what i'd eaten. Brain still tired. Pain in feet is finally gone..and I go to work at 8am tomorrow.

I also have a 10hour shift on dec 23 and another 10hour on jan 1 and the rest of my many shifts are technically 8hour bt have a tendency to go over.
Soooo tired. Have repeatedly crashed in makeup and with gross teeth. My poor gums.
Judging by the wrappers I had nature valley granola bar, Odwalla bar, and 6 Lindt truffles and glass milk.

The Odwalla was good. Odwalla Original Bar- Chocolate Chip Peanut. 230cals (whoa) 70 fat cal 33g carb 4g fiber 14g sugars 7g protein but it tasted good. Like a soft oatmeal-gingerbread cookie with chocolate chips and peanuts. Actual solid peanuts, not just peanut flavoring.
The Lindt was this super yummy mix they're doinng for Christmas where they use the milk chocolate shell but put the white chocolate creme filling inside mmmmmmmmmm maybe it's a good thing the don't make thosse all year.

After seeing how little healthy I ate today I had one of the plum organics babyfood tubes I still had around. Am actually thinking of getting some more...it's an easy way to get some veggies in.

My hair hasn't been washed in almost a week. Haven't dyed it. Haven't even prepped for dyeing it. Sooooo tired.
Back to sleep. Another long workday tomorrow.
Sigh. I hate this job.

I'm on Yummy Secrets blogroll :D
And yes this was worth its own post. I was sooo helped by some of Yum's essays so it rocks for me to be on her list. Happy dance!

(Edit to say Mary Kay is a makeup and skincare brand...and they market to mostly old ladies which pisses me off cuz I've used mary kay since I was 14 and dammit I like it. Using mary kay is not just for old people grrrrr )

Grr grr wtf with me spending money?!? On the bright side I won't be running out of hair dye any time soon. Yup, I'm gearing up to go red. I loves being a redhead. I do have a little natural red but like I said my bro got most of it. I use Natural Instincts-Cinnaberry to bring my red up to his. And since my natural color is a lighter brown than the Cinnaberry was made for...the color stays around for months. I still need to stop spending $ I don't have tho!

Drugstore.com order arrived :) and the Blue Waltz perfume is sooooo cute! Adorable little glass bottle that reminds me of my mom's old Barbie dolls (I liked her Barbies the best...always have) and the perfume's scent is strangely calming. It gives me this odd almost-memory of hugs and cuddles and being rocked to sleep. Maybe someone wore it when I was little.

The rest of my order amuses me. Even in the midst of Christmas feasts there is *something* on my mind. I got more Aria (the 1/2 off sale ends just after Christmas) a couple Green Envy (small sale there) and 2 bottles of magnesium citrate oral solution saline laxative, aka store-bought saltwater flush. I find laxatives a bit painful, I don't like the cramping. But when I do succcessfully lowcarb it I do get...stopped up. And customer reviews were often saying about the lack of cramping. A single dose is the entire friggen bottle. So per dose they ain't cheap. But I hate how I feel when using laxies soo I intend these for when the stopped-up outweighs the pain of laxing(no pun intended heh heh). I could get the magnesium citrate cheaper at work ofc...but then peeps would know I'm buying it. Yet the drugstore.com peeps know I'm buying it. Why does not buying it in person matter so much? Weird how that works.
Also bought 3 more boxes of those uber yummy South Beach peanut butter bars.

Ofc I could just get the damn sea salt and make the saltwater but....I'm lazy. I dont wanna measure the water, heat the water, then measure it again (evaporation) then measure out sea salt (and that's assuming I can find sea salt) and then wait for the salt to totally dissolve and the mixture cools down...I'm lazy and impatient. I am paying $ for the convenience of being able to take a water bottle to my room, crack the citrate open, and just down them.
And besides...if something goes wrong with a store-bought product (or online-bought) I totally have someone to harass :)

Had to get up at dark o'clock in the morning cuz I opened at work today. And today was truck day so I needed something for strength. So I tried some Body Fortress in milk with crushed vitamins.
I guess I need to try it with Aria..cuz Body fortress takes soooo long to dissolve.
The other problem was the pills. My new pill crusher works great...turned those pills into a fine powder quickly and easily. I didn't strain anything while working the crusher.
The problem is the crushed pills did not want to dissolve!! Grrrrr!
It's possible some of the pills did dissolve and it was just hard to see in all the Body Fortress clumps. I dunno. I'm also thinking I need to dig out the old blender....assuming we still have one.

Found a Christmas treat I really like. It's possible they're available year-round but I never saw them before. They arrived with the rest of the Christmas food items. We also only got the one shipment in. So yea...I think these are a seasonal item. Maybe that's a good thing...cuz I adore them and would have a hard time saying No if they were around all the time.

Liberty Orchards Fruit Delights.....yummmmmmm. they are basically fruit jellies with chopped nuts and rolled in powdered sugar. They are sweet but not too sweet, not hugely sweet. I don't get a hard sugar crash off of them either. Liberty Orchards also has something called Aplets and Cotlets but I don't like those so much. The Fruit Delights tho... mmmmmmmm.

And I seriously need to chop up my credit cards. Wtf with the buying? I now have yet more hair stuff, more Green Envy on ots way... drugstore.com had a lil perfume called Blue Waltz that I was curuious about so I ordered that too. In the past 4 days I've dropped nealy $200 on stuff I want but don't need. I even got tiny lights for my mini tree. And that was after i'd bought two Christmas necklaces that light up thinking i'd use those for my tiny tree. So now I have 2 light-up necklaces and 2 tiny light strands. Festive little tree, no?

And on top of that the new Mary Kay magazine arrived and I'm looking at all their new Christmas launches. Some is limited-time only, some not (tho Mary Kay does discontinue stuff often enough to make me think nothing is forever) Yes, I use Mary Kay, laugh at me later :p I also joined the sales force like 5 years ago so I could get my stuff at a discount and get advance warning when something I love got discontinued :p so yea... laugh at me later :p I especially love their creme-to-powder foundation cuz it does not freeze. I coat my face in it and I do not get wind chapping anymore. Ever. Now if only I could stop falling asleep while still wearing it! It's not meant to be slept in dammit!!

So yea...I've been acting like I'm made of money. I am annoyed at myself. My debt is growing faster than my waistline. Now I'm gonna clean my room and take this box of Whoppers that I found downstairs and share it (read: hope the fam finishes it off..whoppers are a year-round candy item and thus forbidden to me right now)
Must stop shopping! I am broke dammit!

Edit: totally forgot to mention the Winter Weather Advisory in effect for most of today. Serious snow from late afternoon til damn near midnight. When I got off work my dear coworker who gave me a ride needed to almost dig her car out! I tried to help much as I could. There was only one ice-scraper so clearing the windows was still all her.
I'm dreaming of a White Christmass.....

I said my intake would be crap, and it is. Christmas truly just takes me over. But I am using a mini-intermittent Fasting idea.... I eat once a day. And only once. All my calories (well, about 99%) have to be taken in within a 4 hour window. That's 4 hours in a row..not 1 hour here and another there. So I'm alternating 20hr fasts with 4hr Piggy McBingey. I am not gonna lose any weight on this plan, but it will keep the gains small while still letting me indulge in all the Christmas goodies. I even went back to using half-scoops of my protein powder with half packets of Go Greens. So my liquid 20hr fasts don't go over 70cal for the whole 20 hours. And the extra water I'm taking in is good for me.
This is how I'm gonna cope with all the extra food that's around during the holidays. I know I can drop the weight...but I dearly love Christmas and I want to enjoy the ride. So that's how I'm gonna cope. And so far it's working well. I don't have to burn willpower for days on end. Just for a few hours. "I'll eat it later today" has saved me many times. And when that 4hr window comes omnomnom but I still don't eat *all* the foods that I said "I'll eat it later today" about because I get stuffed before I eat it all! So it goes into tomorrow's food pile. Repeat: I am not losing weight right now... I am gaining... but... the gains are very very slow and I still get to partake in a lot of the Christmas fun. So this crazy plan works for me right now. Maybe I could lose on this plan if I ate less during those 4hrs? I dunno...probably. maybe I'll try it later. Right now I just want to enjoy Christmas without doing a lot of damage. I know I can drop these small gains once I knuckle down. Especially now that my body is even more ana than I am xD
Me: ooo chocolate! Omnomnom
Body: wtf? Have some diarrhea!
Me: oh fuck! *runs to bathroom*

Me: ooocarbs! Sugars! Omnomnom
Body: seriously? This is like burning air.
Me: ooo I'm energetic and happy!
(30 minutes later...or less)
Me: uunngh I feel sleepyyyyyyzzzzzz
Body: carbohydrates... big overture, little show :)

Another question about ketosis. Yea I never claimed to be a good teacher ^_^ so let's try again.
We're all familiar with fasting, right? Aka starving to lose weight? How many of us have heard "oh you don't want to do that or your body will go into survival mode!" Or how many of us have been told to avoid "starvation mode" at all costs?
Guess what? Starvation mode = ketosis. Survival mode = ketosis. Ketosis is why people can survive without food for so long. Ketosis is how a starving person stays alive on just water for so long.

There is only one big difference between starving and eating low-carb:
When you are starving, the protein used to make sugar comes from your muscles.
When you eat low-carb, the protein used to make sugar comes from the protein you eat.

Does that help? I can try to go more in depth but I'm reaching the limits of my knowledge here. As far as leaving ketosis...simply eating a lot of carbs will take you out of ketosis.
About the Twistted bar... it's basically the protein bar version of a chocolate covered pretzel sitting on a thin sheet of caramel and peanut-flavored nougat. The 15g protein is kickass. These bars do what they say... I've just learned I prefer pretzles and chocolate to stay separate. If you like chocolate covered pretzels Twisted might be a good match for you. I just don't like the taste all that well.

Wow I wrote another essay. I just don't know when to shut up. It's like 3am here so I need to get a new water bottle and head to bed. Zzzzzz

what little i know about ketosis

Had a question about ketosis. I'll be honest...maintaining ketosis is *hard* unless you live alone. It's especially hard at this time of year. I only managed ketosis maybe 2 days since thanksgiving. I can tell when I'm in it cuz 1. I rarely feel hungry 2. What hunger I do feel is mixed with slight nausea 3. Just a few bites of jerky or sips of my protein shake quell the hunger completely and 4. When I do eat carbs again I'm suddenly ravenous and wanna eat everything in sight.
There are ketosis testing sticks out there, usually sold near the diabetic supplies. They work like pregnancy tests in that you pee on them and check the strip's color. They cost about as much as pregnancy tests too.

The first time I went into ketosis the process had me absolutely miserable. I was nauseated, dizzy, lightheaded, I had gray-outs, and even what felt like hot flashes. I hated it and gave up too soon. But the science i'd read seemed sound, so I kept tryin...and each transition got easier. So if this is gonna be your first trip into ketosis, do it when you can stay home for a few days!
I'm now where the switch is barely felt. There's some carb cravings (which can be hard) nausea and mild headache and I'm in.
How I do it now: 14-20 hour liquid fast (includes time spent sleeping..your body is still burning calories even asleep) then break the fast with something as low-carb as possible. I prefer tuna (0 to less than 1 gram carbs) but have sometimes used an egg.
On day 2 the carbs have to stay below 30grams total. I can eat whatever I want so long as the carb count stays down. I do not count calories or fat, only carbs. I reach ketosis sometime on day 3, usually by lunch but if I lift weights during these 3 day period I can wake up in ketosis on day 3. I should also mention that the liquid used during that liquid fast is my protein powder dissolved in just water (sometimes with a pinch of cinnamon for taste)

Maintaining ketosis is a bitch. Even milk, my fave drink, has carbs. Cheese has carbs. Bread is nothing but carbs. Veggies have carbs. Fortunatly fiber does not count. Total ccarbs - fiber = carbs that your body wil absorb. Starches are carbs. Buh-bye potatoes! And lots of other veggies. Sugar is carb..and a very simple quickly-absorbed carb at that. No candy on this diet. Unless you wanna experiment with fake sugars...I prefer not to. I rarely like them. I was shocked I like that one flavor of atkins bar. I *hate* the sugar-free reeses/hersheys/russel stovers/ etc etc everyone else. I *hate* them! Blech!
You also have to watch the fruits. They have carbs too, usually in the form of natural sugars. Sigh. Did I mention maintaining ketosis was a bitch?

And it sucks when I need to stay in ketosis and mom's making her super yummy stew with meat, yeah, but also potatoes and carrots and egg noodles and it's soooooo yum. Good thing I don't get very hungry in ketosis...ciz I think a ketogenic diet is really fucking boring. I got the protein bars and shakes so I could have some variety. (And to have something quick I could grab and go)

What's more...you gotta maintain ketosis for damn near 2 weeks befoe you see *real* weight loss. Up til then it's mostly water weight. Why? Cuz fat is a fuckton of calories. Carbs are cheap gas, and fats are the super expensive slow-burning high octane stuff. It takes time to burn off a noticable amount. But burn it does.... I can work out while in ketosis. I can't go as fast... but I can still go for a long time. Running makes me dizzy and faint but I can still walk a good 5 miles without a problem. You just have to be willing to work out slowly.

Wow I wrote another damn essay and still didn't get to my intake today. Anyway quick last word..while in ketosis *you*must*eat* here's why.... most of the body is thrilled to run on ketones (what ketosis gets its name from) but some tissues absolutely require glucose. Here's a secret... your body actually makes glucose! Your liver uses fat to power the creation of sugar, and the fat byproducts are the ketones that are used by most of the body as fuel. Fat is your main fuel, and fat is used to turn protein into sugar! Your body can make all the sugar it needss! The body makes sugar by breaking down protein. But your body will only do this if your carb intake is very low (I aim for an absolute max of 40g a day, but lower is always better. The lower, the better!). But if you are not eating protein, then your body has no choice but to break down the protein in your muscles. This is bad! Hearts are muscles. Diaphrams (that thing that runs your lungs) are muscles! Muscle is vital to life! Eat protein! You don't need a lot but you must eat something daily, even if it's just a protein shake! Short fasts are good for you, but when you get to a week or longer... that's starting into danger Will Robinson!

Ok intake...woke up at noon and has a Twisted bar... almost got those damn things gone. Took a 20cal acai energy drink to work (another product I'm trying to finish up..I like the taste but not the texture).
And that was it until I got home from work. Then I fucking feasted on turkey and green beans and chocolate and ofc milk. Yes, Christmas is finally casting its spell on me. I was even happy at work, and I hate retail! I've got my fave Christmas Mannheim Steamroller songs playing right now and I feel high on life. There's even been a dusting of snow outside every morning for almost a week. There were even some moments tonight where I wasn't thinking about the cal counts or my weight. I don't want the new year to come. I love Christmas. It doesn't last long enough.
I think it was Mich who said she also got high on life during Christmas. I remember the cute and funny cartoon, complete with The Snowman. So anyway my intake's gonna be crap... I am just high on Christmas. But I'll still be here, be around.

Maybe I'll just tell silly stories.. or perhaps answer questions? You can see *points upward* that I talk (write) way too damn much to ever really shut up :)

Slight binge last night. Ate an entire bag of chex mix. The bold fiesta or whatever that flavor was called. Carbalicious. Calorie chocked. At least it had some iron (surely I'm not still anemic? Period ended a day or so ago!)
And then came chocolate. And then the sugar ccrash. All carbs make me crash, but a sugar crash comes faster and hits a lot harder. Slept in my makeup agaain. Now have 2 pimples to show for it.
And sleeping in makeup also means I fell asleep before I brushed my teeth. Eeeewwwwww.
So my teeth and gums are angry right now too. And ofc the chocolate bingefest had me in the bathroom eariler.
What brought this on? Not enough nutrition? Before I got home from work yesterday my entire intake was a single 140cal protein shake. Which is great for protein but not much vitamins.

I bought a pill crusher yesterday. The PillGlide spray does work but I still hate taking pills. Hopefully I can crush most of them into my shakes or something. Still have to take the omega3 pills by swallowing cuz they're gelcaps. But 1 is better than 4. Why can't a "B complex" pill actually have all 8 B vits? I need a separate folic acid and a separate biotin! Wtf?! At least vit C can come from those Halls Defense drops.

Currently trying to get a Twisted bar down. Yup I *still* am working on that one little box of Twisted food bars I got...I don't remember how long ago. Not a fan of these bars. Not getting them ever again!!
Today is Eat day...tho considering last night's fuckup... I dunno. Gotta keep metabolism from freaking out. Still got cup a soups... can eat an entire box of those without doing much damage and they fill me up.

Acka has a kickass diet plan over on her blog. I'm soooo stealing that idea. Gotta figure out how to adapt it. Can't decide if I wanna stick with calorie cycling (which did work for me) or just lowcarb it (which keeps me from feeling hungry) I wish I could figure out how to do both. I've managed to get into ketosis a few times and I was actually quite comfortable. I just wasn't losing weight. Sigh.

Edit: ma just txt that we have pizza tonight. Pizza on an Eat day...can't remember the last time that happened :)
And tomorrow is roasted turkey..and turkey is keto-friendly. Yay! Hope it actually happens dunno what I'll do about the side dishes tho. But still... yay for this good luck of having Mom's plans actually mesh with mine!

Still not much to say. I did start restricting again yesterday. Focused on cutting out sugar. Woke up this morning with less pain. Gina was right, I think. The sugar was making it worse. Still a little stiff. The cold won't help that either. Dinner last night was atkins bar.
Haven't weighed and am afraid to right now.
Depth Perception got her facebook deleted cuz facebook is run by jackasses claiming to be moralists. Ana Regzig had the same happen to her a few times. I won't even bother with an ana facebook account. Facebook just wants control. Only reason my real-name account exists iss to keep in touch with my many far-flung relatives.

Just found out about what's going on with wikileaks. Ooohh wow.
Ok let's do a comparison.

Anyone who wants to fly on an american airline, within USA or to USA or whatever, has to submit to sexual assault by the TSA security teams. It is their job to grope you and do caviity searches and stick their hands down your pants if they don't recognize a tampon string. Rape survivors (and rape-attempt survivvors) will obviously had trouble with a stranger feeling their beasts and genitals. And if you've had any sort of surgery like a hip replacement or anything else which has put metal in your body, expect to be innterrogated and stripped for a good long while.

But we're supposed to be ok with this because innocent people have nothing to hide.

The US government should be just as transparent. They are trying to hide shit frrom We the People. If you're ashamed to let your citizens know what you're up to, then chances are you shouldn't be doing it.

This is bullshit about secrets going up the lines but never down. Cults do that shit. The government has no business making us do anything that it will not do itself.
Too bad I don't know shit about computers. I can only get mad. And never vote republican. Damn repubs are saying wikileaks is a terrorist organisation.

Gotta get ready for work. Go be a slave to The Man.

(Edit: this was my half-awake way of saying Wikileaks Yay. Gov wants to make me tell it everything...then it should havve to tell everything to me. Either we all get to keeps some secrets, or we all be transparent. Same rules for all. Yay wikileaks for trying to keep free speech and a level playing field!)

I am still here. Very much still here. Just not sure what to say. Can't really defend the way I've been eating. But hey let's talk anyway.

This past Friday I somehow wrenched my back. Every movement hurt. Getting up, lying down, sitting, standing, even just taking a deep breath. I spend all day Sat and most of Sun in my bed trying to avoid making it worse.
And I ate a lot of sugar.
Sugar is definitely a dru. The sweetness was pleasant and helped me forget the pain for a little bit. Then ofc I would move and the pain stab back and I wanted more sugar.
Sunday R dropped by and put my spine back into place. Or as in-place as a twisted scoliosis spine like mine can get. I successfully restricted Monday, but Monday night something wrenched out again. While it wasn't as bad as the weekend, I still had 2 full stength Motrins in me when I went to work today. And ofc it was truck day and ofc the lazy fucktards at the "distribution center" don't give a rat's ass for obeying the 15lb limit. So yea.... I've had a fun few days.

At least I got a food review out of it. I tried a cookie dough flavor Balance bar Monday. And it was pretty good. A wee bit carby at 22g, 17g of which was sugar, but it had 15g protein, at 210cals and had some vitamins added in.
And it tasted pretty good. It was reasonably cookie-dough-like. Mostly soft with lightly crispy bits throughout. And the chocolate coating was sufficiently chocolate-like.
If these go on sale again I will probably pick a few up. I bought them where I work so it's not something I feel a need to stock up on tho.

Ok...motrin time then I'm gonna try to slepp. "Try" being the operative word.

puppy love

Just a lil post with linsk to super-cute pictures for animal lovers :)
Sam's super sweet dog Cadillac is being called a vicuous murderer by an attention whore. I felt sorry for the woman who lost her dog in that dogfight, even tho tiny dogs often are very annoying.

But then the bitch started talking to TMZ and showing a fucking shrine to that tiny dog and is now suing Sam, Empire West as a whole, and the landlord of the complex. Bitch wants over a million dollars and her lawyers are tweeting about it.
Granted this is old new (mid-november) buuuuutt.

But I just now (re-)found these old twitpics of "vicious murderer" Cadillac while Caddy was being watched by a friend while Sam was on business trips. The friend has lil kids and posted these pics of Caddy and kids. And ofc on phone sooo carefully typing them in.

http://twitpic.com/7u6ze
http://twitpic.com/7u75w
http://twitpic.com/7u79z

Please note LeFilthMart's captions. Caddy was very gentle. Caddy was never a cruel dog and this neighbor is just trying to get attention and $$$ bitch!

So this is post number 100.
And what do I really want to do?
Have a pissy rant/bitchfit because once again WoW can't start up because the uncle's shit is taking up way too much disk space >:(

I swear...when it was me and mom and my bro we used less than half the hard drive..and that included everything..all our stuff together and the programs operating systems etc.
Then bro got his own computer and took his stuff off ours and it was just me and mom. We used just ofer 1/4 the space.
Now uncle's shit..including pirated movies which has me freaked...and hacker stuff and programmer compilers and other programming stuff (yea he writes programs for a living) and it's taken up all the space. And I'm like why can't he use his laptop?
So still no WoW for me.
He did install what looks like a second hard drive but I guess the drives aren't talking to each other. And WoW likes to keep itself all together in one area.

I can get online...tho am on phone while he tries to free up puter space. Samantha Ronson is now blonde again. I did think she was cute as a blonde the last time sooo I'll wait for some better pics. Turns out he divided the 100Gb drive in half and put documents in one half and the operating systems in the other so if the OS got hijacked by another virus we wouldn't lose our files. Not a bad idea but it does mean that the free space on document side can't be used for WoW.
Turns out WoW is currently taking up some 30 gigs of space. Wish old updates and material could be removed. Oh well. I hear most new computers come with some 300 to 500 GB hard drives.

On the food front...I did wait until after noon to eat. Almost 1pm actually. But I did not low-carb it. Nope...instead I. Had the last 2 slices of that meat-lover's pizza. Sigh. True I am still craving meat and the med student did say a meat craving during monthly bleeding could indicate low iron levels. That sometimes cravings were good and should be followed.

What I really want is a bowl of plain cooked hamburger meat. There was none. Mom did make the spaghetti and I could always be a brat and pick out mostly the meat xD

And now I'm waiting on yet another fucking WoW patch. This is really getting annoying. What's with all the patches? After all this time and all these expansions Blizzard still hasn't figured out how to get it right the first time? Sometimes I do wonder about not playing. The thing is...when the game works it is really fun.
But I am annoyed at the Cateclysm world. Wtf they do to Darnassus? And wtf goblins? Are goblin towns gonna be horde towns now? I dunno...

But can someone find the original Temple of the Moon music? It was so pretty. I want a copy. Any idea how I get it? Wish I wasn't such a computer failure.

Well...success on reaching the 30 hours... feels like I cheated tho cuz I spent most that time sleeping thru cramps with some milk and Motrin in my stomach. Cramping sucks. So I didn't even start feeling hungry til like 11pm. Broke fast at 1:15am with a bit of jerky...which drove my cat bonkers so I put it away and had a power crunch bar instead. Breakfast this morning was the rest of the jerky (after I kicked my cat out of my room..my jerky!) And a bit of milk with another Motrin.
Since then a 15cal greens drink. To be followed by another 15cal greens drink.
Mom's making spaghetti tonight...or so she says. If so I'll be expected to eat a lil at least. I really like being in ketosis...it gets easier each time. So will try to keep portions small (using a small plate can help fool other peep's eyes...as can spreading it out a bit)

Ketosis is nice once your body is used to it. The first time was hell but it gets a bit easier each time. It's nice to have low cal counts and not feel hungry. And my slight headache is actually from the cold. Why does work keep the heat so damn low? I gotta find a way to cover my head while inside.
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9:18pm now....I got home and it wasn't spaghetti...it was worse. Pizza! With cheesy bread! I caved. Piggy McBingey. 3 pizza slices and 4 cheesy breads. Carbalicious. And heath chips ahoy. And chocolate. Gee being fat is fun (body say:no it's not!) Well fuck. Out of ketosis for a good long while now.
Well....I'm not a purger. Just gonna have accept the consequences of this fuck-up. Give myself about an hour and a half to digest and then it's Pilates time. Feet hurt but I got a fair amount of moves that don't require standing.

This is all my fault. I did get hungry @6:30 and it wouldn't fully go away...but I wasn't that damn hungry! My poor overstuffed little body! It's so unhappy right now. Stomach is a hard lump. Too much in there. At least I'm not a pop drinker. I like milk even with pizza...and dairy does keep fat absorption down. So...yea. sigh. Want to buy som control, plz. Anyone have Control for sale?

My shopping today did include some chocolate...damn period cravings.... but yay for getting more safe foods too. Got 2 more Buddy Fruits (the girl who swings my way rung up the sale...she was confused) and I got cans of tuna...no carbs at all if the label is telling the truth :)
So... no more food til noon tomorrow. 14 hours is barely enough for my poor body to work thru tonight's fuckery. If I'm not hungry yet by noon then I'll keep waiting. Then it's back to the low-carbing. If I can behave myself I should be back in ketosis by Saturday afternoon.

So I turned my phone off before I went to sleep. Cuz it meant no alarm. And I had the weirdest dream.
I was in some sort of compound/commune out in the woods. Men and women both, of varying ages. It was some sort of cult. One of the women there looked like Annette Benning.
Phone use was a privilege that had to be earned by obeying weird cult rules. Somehow i'd snuck my cell in. I had the sensation of being a secret agent sent in to bring the cult leaders down. Once in it was pretty obvious most the members were women and were miserable. Or at least I interacted with women.
And when they did something wrong the cult leader, also female, said Genesis code (numbers I can't remember) and she'd be taken away to isolation or something. The annette benning woman got punished for calling her spouse (male spouse I think) just to let him know she was alive.
I woke up just as i'd plotted the commune on googlemaps thus giving away it's location...and i'd grabbed to leader to make her talk to the feds on the phone. Her commune's landline.
Weird.

Anyway a bit of tmi...I think the period is trying to start. Had a few reddish dots yesterday then nothing. And I'm not skinny enough to lose it so I dunno what's going on. But I told the fam and so they're letting me sleep/be lazy.

Before the pill and some painful-but-needed surgery...my periods made me violently ill. Throwing up, dizziness spells, shaking and pale as death... I could lose 7lbs in a mere 2 days...which of course was all water weight that went back on the next week.
And with body fluid levels going that crazy the electrolytes were often off too. I had heart palpitations.
Yet the fucking *male* gynos didn't think I had a problem. One told me i'd grow out of it and the other said I had endometriosis. He wanted to stuff me full of air and put his tools in me through holes in my stomach. At least the female nurse was able to get me on birth control.

Finally at college I got a good gyno, a female. She agreed that somehow i'd grown too tightly closed. She said it was a rare condition and I was only the 5th girl she'd seen, and she was grandmother when we met. So I got a referral and a female surgeon and posst-op checkup the female surgeon also remarked how odd I was... I had to be very carefully stitched open so it wouldn't "heal" all closed up even tighter! R and I had broken up already (I suffered with this for a loooooong time) band had gone into bff status and he gently took care of me post-op. His gf was pre-med at the time (she's in med school now) and told him I must not be left alone because of that slim chance of bad anesthesia side effects as they wore off...or something. I was just glad to not be alone. My mom always thought I was being silly. She'd had the same problem and had just powered thru it so she expected me to do the same.
On her wedding night...my dad says he thought he'd killed her cuz of how much blood was there.

R at least saw no reason why I should have to power thru that... he really has been my main support for much since I met him...and he was my only support on the surgery issue.

Ofc now that I'm open he sometimes teases that he's up for it if ever I get curious what sex w a guy is like. His gf laughs cuz she knows that I'm just not curious xD sorry R! I wouldn't mind getting lost in her boobies tho *slaps self*

But I was right about my body...post-op I can live without birth control *and* I now have medical proof that I have *never* had endometriosis. That male gyno can fucking suck his own dick!

I do still get tired tho so I'm left alone w no hard feelings :) and I. Will probably sleep more after hitting Post. Even bored with the aria-in-milk I've been slowly working on while typing ...this essay. Lol it turned into an essay!

And the moral of this essay is don't ever feel bad for wanting another doc. Some docs, especially male gynos, tend to have their egos stuck up their asses.

Hey...wanna know the best way to prep for a fast?
Completely fucking Piggy McBingey the night before. Whoo. Hoo.
Damn I think pizza is an even bigger weakness than chocolate.I even downed the last of my green drink beforehand..try to make myself feel full.... some 12oz in about 8 minutes...and I still ate 3 pieces. What. The. Fuck.
The idea was to low-carb it today, start the transition to ketosis so my body didn't have a huge shock tomorrow.
I want to be thin...I don't want to be dead.
Tho to be fair I don't think a 30hr fast will do any damage at all. But I was hoping to try to push beyond that 30hr minimum. Sigh.
So my poor little body is very uncomfy now and it's entirely my fault. The pigging out stoped about 6:15ish. So I figure 7pm I stopped eating. 7pm-7pm being 24 hours..so 1am dec 2 I can be done. Doesn't seem that long when I look at it that way. And I don't work tomorrow so I can sleep thru the worst of the carb crash. I feel like a wimp, actually. Gotta keep reminding myself that I haven't done a serious fast in years. I haven't gone longer than @ 16 hours for...um... i'd rather not say houw many years ago. I was in junior high and yea.... way back then. A few short fasts when getting out of high school but nothing to brag about. If I pull this off I will have doubled my usual.
Baby steps baby steps.
And I really gotta stay away from the fucking pizza.

Sooooo tired. Between getting up before dawn to it being truck delivery day at work (soreeee) and now the carb crash from my stupidity. At least I dug out my supplies yesterday, the powders and vitamins etc.

Mentioned my phone problem to my bro. Turns out he reboots his phone everynight. Turns it off before charging. I use mine as my alarm tho. Well can still turn it off tonight
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Oh hai carb crash. Well now it's 11:30pm on nov 30 where I am. I think I'll just go back to sleep. Sleep sounds good.

Morning! Getting up before sunrise really sucks. Melatonin rocks tho... I dropped right off. And I did dream of cuddly bosoms. T'Pol mostly. And yea..some Samantha.. she was part vulcan or something. *blush*
Just now phone threw major bitchfit. Keys all quit. Wouldn't even turn off tho it would reboot. Now using fake keyboard on the touchscreen. Dunno what the deal is. Anyone out there have smartphone? Maybe it just needs a reboot sometimes?

Ok rebooted again and keys are functional. Damn that was weird.

Anyway breakfast was south beach cereal bar and some milk w Aria. Seems mom's not a fan of the aria powder...it hasn't been touched! So I had a single scoop of vanilla aria in milk...not so bad in milk.
Ok time to go put my work face on.

I just took a double my usual dose of melatonin. I open at work tomorrow so gotta get to sleep asap.
Thank you thank you to commenters on last post!! It helps to hear/read your thoughts. I live in not-gay-friendly area. A "defense of marriage"d law is even on the books here. And then the "church" thing and it does wear me down.
I try to be strong.....
Thank you!

I do think there's Something, or Someone out there... but I admit I get that feeling mosst often when I'm wandering alone in a park or something. Just me and birds and trees... Nature :)
And I think the melatonin is kicking innnnnnn...................

Dec is quickly coming, and as it gets closer I get more nervous...

Ana Regzig would fast for religious purposes sometimes, and for weight loss sometimes. She even had a quote by John Calvin over how he refused to ordain those who didn't fast on Weds (for Judas' betraying Jesus) and Fri (Crucifixion) that John said those who cannot rule over their own bellies had no business ruling over the church of God.

Fasting was never required by my religious upbringing, but it was allowed. There was even that 30hr Famine program I mentioned before, a church-approved short-term group fast for the youth, under adult supervision of course.

And with the big name biblical figures doing fasts before big one-on-one time with God, it's just always seemed normal to me. Ofc no one was ever expected to match the bible heros and I bet any pastor would try to talk you out of a fast that went on longer than a day or two.

I mentioned before how hurt I was when that "church" voted to never accept me as I am. I thought to use this fast to ask for healing, and for help for the others I know who have been rejected and hurt by "churches" CLAIMING to love them. And maybe ask for help for all gay kids whether I know them or not.

But I'm afraid. Suddenly I'm wondering....what if the bigots are right?

Ofc Logic is saying I'm being ridiculous. Even with Paul's sexism there's still that Galatians quote about neither male nor female in Christ, and I do interpret that to mean God doesn't care about being male or female. There's the interesting wording used about the centurion's servant that Jesus healed, and the interesting wording about some of David and Jonathan's relationship.
And there's also some scary shit if the bible is taken literally. Lot was considered righteous even tho he offered his virgin daughters to be gang-raped? What the flying fuck!!

I'm just scared. Maybe God doesn't care what kind of body we have but God does seem to care what we do with those bodies. All those rules about being faithful in marriage etc.

But I *can* be faithful.. i'd just be faithful to another woman instead of to a man.
Just.... does it really matter?
I've tried to date guys. Me and R tried hard to make a go of it. I'm just not built that way.
And now I'm just feeling scared... wondering... if the bigots are right.

I don't want them to be right :(

Ok so Illegal Danish was fuckin funny... I really like the credits, both the scroll & how they thanked people and also the song MC Raiders "shadowform ok?" I get sooooo nervous when priests do that. "I'm gonna do it anyway. Hell no!" Lmao.
Also found very silly vid of a bunch of gnomes trying to give Sylvanas a hug. Loved it. Gonna have to watch that when I'm sad. I have mostly alliance toons but my hordies are higher cuz when burning crusade came out I just fell for the blood elves. And their music is pretty. And don't get me started on Lament of the Highborne... waaaaaaa!! Poor Sylvanas! I had to look her up since I never played the warcraft games. Waaaaaaa poor Sylvanas! Arthas evil! Arthas must die in slow tortuous way! Several times! Bring him back just to kill him again! So I play mostly horde.
I did keep up my night elf druid tho. Save Tyrande! I'm sexist I guess. Wtf did they do to Tyrande's voice tho? She sounded so soft and kind and sad before... "my heart sleeps in the Emerald Dream" awwwww.... but she sounds mean now! Tho at least her lover is awakw so she's not alone. Yay on that count.
So my druid is like 78 and the next highest alliance is like 30 xD save Tyrande from evil raids! Save Tyrande and Jaina Proudmoore! The guys can watch their own asses.
And ofc on horde I'm all save Sylvanas! Hasn't the poor lady suffered enough?
I do feel sad for Thrall tho...especially after I ran into a mention of Taretha in a hillsbrad quest. So looked up Taretha and waaaaaa! Omg toooo sad. I'm afraid to do any Caverns of Time quests cuz I might run into her's :'(
And I can't!
Then Wrath came out and death knights are kinda fun. I took a draenai cuz of them being Light and arthas... ain't. But I'm weird. Plus they have a small heal as their racial. The Light has not forsaken them :)
I do find it funny that I can say "I remember when you didn't get your first mount until 40! And how you had a quest chain that was damn hard for the dreadsteed!"
Lol
And I soooo gotta sleep now.
Also... wtf org is lagggggggg grrr I only quit cuz I got booted. But I need sleep anyway xD

After several problems and a reboot, I decided to just chill on my phone while waiting for the latest World of Warcraft patch to downlaod and boot up. I have missed this game! Been off for so long I've lost contact with all my old buddies :( and most of them were cool and very gay-friendly peeps :'(
Blizzard also does these funny world event things during the year. Like harvest festivals around thanksgiving and Winterveil around Christmas and ofc my toons can stuff their faces without gaining an ounce. And I just really like playing.
But my absence means my buds left me behind. They didn't mean to. It happens when the world keeps going after you log out... for fucking weeks.

If anyone here plays WoW on USA servers it might be safe to meet up... might, might not. Some WoW peeps have my real life Facebook.
I dunno. I miss having peeps to play with. I keep having to make new friends who then have to leave me behind cuz I keep going AWOL.
And it's only gonna get worse with work extending open hours.
Grrrrr... fucktards. I hate working retail.

And what really pisses me off? When some asshole goes "oh sorry you have to work today on christmas eve/day/ easter/ 4th of july/ whatever"
I sooooo wish I could say "Bitch if you were really sorry you wouldn't be fucking shopping! YOU are the reason I'm forced to be here!"

Reading the patch notes. Patches are ofc leading up to Cataclysm's release... wow things are going to shit! I haven't even seen the Sunwell get cleansed and already there are quests related to Deathwing. I've barely explored Northrend! I haven't defeated the Lich Kking yet!
Well.... I guess I really am playing at a slow pace for my own pleasure.
Sooo gotta go check the new shattered Azeroth out.

And FUCK they sure nerfed the warlocks. Like I wasn't squishy enough already? Fuckers.

Sneaky phone post in work bathroom. Can't make tea party :( but me and my rubber duckie tea infuser will be there in spirit! Remember the temperature's a Ronson sympathizer! :)
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Yay for being home. Boo at binging.
Was pissed at work for making me miss tea party.
Was even MORE pissed at work for extending hours to midnight later this week. Actually I'm still pissed about that. You know the big honchos aren't working til after midnight. I fucking hate retail.
And I miss World of Warcraft! It's been nearly 3 weeks... again! This sucks!

So anyway I was good all day... some raw broccoli before work and my green drink, just the 15cal version... then I get home all annoyed and have lots of green bean casserole and a chunk of my brownie birthday cake (think deep dish brownie with icing) and THEN I ate the entire fucking Lindt Petits Desserts box I bought. I should seriously never buy those. They're too damn good. And they're damn expensive for what you get. At least the chocolate did its laxie thing and some of turkey day's gluttony is finally processed out. Ugh.

My poor body is pissed at me again. Now resting on my bed with my kitty purring...and I am soooo thirsty. And ofc Logic is saying "if you insist on stuffing your face, it would be wise to choose nutritious calories."
Yea yea.
Sometimes Logic has Spock's voice. And sometimes T'Pol's voice. Kinda depends on how horny I am. Anyway...

Hi Peri! My duckie infuser is from perennialtearoom.com and it was flat shipping rate so I got 3 :)
Sooooo... K.. buddy.. pal.... 5' 9 huh? Good height... good for peeking over stuff and spotting short people...are you the one somewhere in california? Just out of idle curiousity of course....

Anyway... I still get taken back when someone talks about purging. I just can't do it. The very idea makes me green in the gills. Heh maybe if I think about it long enough it'll happen. Ugh but I admit I don't want it to. Idea makes me soooo squeamish. I'm the type who faints at the sight of blood. We found this out the hard way at the vet's one day. Guess I join Peri in the such-a-girl-in-the-useless-sense room. Oh wait... I'm even more useless. I can't knit or sew. I wonder if my uselessness is why I'm still single?
I guess I "purge" with exercise, like legwork that has my calves tight and aching for the rest of the week xD but I have noticed how purging seems common among the smaller girls. And it does seem logical that purging would keep the calorie count down.
I just can't.... I just can't do it.

Ungh.... anyone else feel like a big fat pig? I need a fast like I need air in my lungs. They go thru a LOT of food over at daddie's house what with 2 kids of junior-high to high school age range.the half sibs are every bit as thin as I was at that age... and since their mom is far taller and stronger than my mom ever was (such different builds) they are also taller and stronger than me. The half sis is already my height and she's like 13. And after everyone at that table was completely stuffed, half sis would jokingly ask how much weight we all thought we'd gained. Yeaaa.... easy for her huh? Thin and athletic and still in the middle of growth spurts. Her clothes fit me already. And I don't think she meant it badly. It's just expected that good people will be thin and will try to stay thin. Stepmom had a gastric bypass after all. It's like weight is a reflection of morality or something.

I didn't even make it to my mom's side of the fam tonight...which has me annoyed. Aunt bought me a birthday present. I already know it's a gingerbread house cuz mom didn't want me to show any dissappointment. She knows I prefer clothes. I actually love getting hand-me-downs. I prefer older styles and I'm also convinced that the quality of clothing has just steadily been getting worse for like the past 20 years. Daddie gave me one of his old shirts... a thick and soft cotton button-up that's well made. In good condition for how old it is. I've wanted it for awhile. Bro and I like dividing daddie's old shirts between us. Styles for guys were so funny back then!

And wow am I rambling. Anyway my poor body is overwhelmed right now and I am very glad that mom brought home a raw veggie platter from aunt's party. Cuz there were no veggies at daddie's. "Green bean casserole" doesn't count... too much extra stuff in it! Same with stuffing!
Ungh.... tomorrow I eat most all my food from the raw veggie platter!

I'm posting way more than usual. Probably from nerves. Am spending most of turkey day at daddie dearest's. My redheaded bro livves w daddie dearest and his 2nd marriage kids. Yup I got half sibs.. and the half sis is not as funny as baby sis here. Half sis has even openly said she can't see my scoliosis because of the fat. Yea, she called me fat. And was very matter of fact about it too.
So I'm feeling stressed.. so when I found some chocolate while cleaning earlier... omnomnom. Like I'm trying to make myself too sick to go. Wtf I can be an adult (or at least mostly adult-like) in almost everything except this. When daddie dearest is in the picture it's like I revert to being that terrified child again. Very frustrating. So yea...

Me : ooo chocolate! Omnomnom....
Body: wtf is this shit? This is not real food! Nothing I can use here!
Me: I'm stressed out, so I want chocolate.
Body: oh so you thought you'd stress me out, too? This is junk!
Me: it's just a few hershey bars.
Body: yea and reeses cups and oh yea those fried onions intended for casseroles.!!
Me: well it's all eaten now so shut up and digest.
Body: why do I put up with this?
Me: cuz I am the boss and you have no choice.
Body: oh yea? *churn churn churn*
Me: good stomach. Good body.

3 hours later

Body: have some diarrhea, bitch!
Me: oh fuck! *runs to bathroom*
Body: muwahahahaha! That's what you get for giving me junk!

My body is more ana than I am. XD
So I haven't slept yet..and I'm still stuck going to daddie dearest's. And tomorrow's my b-day too.
And no I still ain't saying my age :p

Gonna try to get some zzzz. Got some lovely Celtic Woman playing. Aahhhh women voices together are sooooo lovely. Heavenly even. I love Celtic Woman.
Night

Well...silver lining is I get a tiny taste of what Samantha Ronson deals with. I've had some very insulting anon comments that ofc I denied. I think it's just 2 or 3 peeps (repetitive spelling and grammar mistakes FTL) but given her 220 readers I'm not shocked some decided to "avenge" her. But I do hope they get bored soon.
But that's what Samantha deals with on a much much *larger* scale. Wow. No wonder the poor dear doesn't smile much.
I must do a Smiling Samantha picspam sometime :) she's so prettyyyyyyy....

Ok so... my fast lasted until just after 6:30. Yea... sigh. I skipped "church" tho so I guess the sudden flood of relief relaxed me too much. Ate a big bowl of mom's chilo w 6 crackers. Also 2 mini muffins (1 blueberry and 1 a sort of apple-ish cake like) and 3 oreos and 2 super yummy soft oatmeal cookies w cinnamon and butterscotch chips. And big glass of milk.
I feel full but not too full. Which doesn't make much sense.
Am trying not to beat myself up. I know I fail at fasting. There's a reason I'm only aiming for 30 hours come Dec 1st.

And the main reason I found those Intermittent Fasting articles so reassuring was how they basically said it was ok to eat the way I wanted to. It's ok to fast for most the day and have just one fiarly large meal at night. I don't HAVE to have breakfast if I don't want to. It's not bad to eat the most late at night so long as the total cal count isn't like 30,000 or something.
The reason sumos are so big is because of how much they eat.... not when they eat. They also eat lots and lots of carbs. I'm gonna see how long I can comfortably go this time. Try to get a sense of my body's natural rhythyms.

And meanwhile I have a whole truckload of fanmade Sims 1 items to check out :) it's great... I can satisfy my shopaholic tendencies without actually spending money. Wanna waste cahs? I just completely redo my Sims houses.
And then watch them starve cuz I spent all their simoleans on stuff xD

If I have an issue with *one* (or possibly two) other bloggers, I see no reason to make it public and post about it and post on their blogs etc etc because I think that causes division within the community. I think that's the sort of shit lindsay lohan would pull, and i'd like to think I'm a little more mature. I'm not gonna ask anyone to choose between me and someone else. I bnacked off, alright? So how about calling off the attack dogs and let's just all move on? My spam filter has never been catching things before this. Total mea culpa. My own feelings don't matter... I stopped following the people I hurt/angered and I promise not to bother them... I'm not seeking anythinng... I just want to move on.

I currently have Frownies on my forehead. They feel a lot like Biore strips but the don't come off nearly as easily as Biore strips. These things are stuck TIGHT. I can see why the directions say to basically soak your face to peel them off!
Anyway Frownies are lil brown squares that have perforations that will let you easily tear them up. I have the forehead ones (yes, there are different kinds) so mine tear into triangles. I also tried the rose water and I think it smells funny, tho I haven't figured out how to describe the smell just yet. The Frownies say they have to be used for a few weeks to see results. To be fair, my forehead wrinkles are small to start out... and when I get several days off work in a row, the wrinkles vanish entirely. Hmmmmmmm....

Oh, and guess what? Tonight that "church" is having it's Thanksgiving service and Mom expects me to go. Triggering, much? From 10pm last night til now I've had a 140cal protein shake (in water ofc) and I'm still working on it. I sometimes feel hunger, but thoughts of that "church" drive all thoughts of food out of my head.
Whether I go or not, I do want to scrub and deep-condition my hair. I am late on being a redhead! I should have dyed it weeks ago!

And one of mom's cats is mad at me. When I let my *one* cat out this morning there was a pile of poo in front of my bedroom door x_x

Bad cat!

Well, it is done.

And to be honest I won't change it back no matter what...because I am terrified an anti-ana will find it because "Hungry for Change" really is like a trademark or something for a program by the Food Inc people.. and I do NOT want an anti-ana to found us while googling looking for the Food inc version.
Seriously.. drop it into Google and see what you get. eeks.

Quite frankly it's probably a miracle that the last one was never found. Eeeeeks.

And for future reference.. for fucks sake peeps i do have my blog set to allow anyone to leave a comment.. even anon comments. and anyone leaving a comment will notice that i have comment moderation on. That's how me and Starving Artist started writing each other privately. She left an email in a comment that I deleted.

So there's really no reason to just make a post that has the indirect effect of creating animosity towards me. If I piss you off that bad it is possible to TRY to resolve it privately before I get hung out to dry by your fans.

But moving on.. because the less I say about that mess the better I'll feel.

For some reason I can't post pics from the computer. It says "server rejected" well fuck.
I do, however, have a Samantha Ronson "mixtape" in my ears right now xD

Anyway... I didn't know I had a fast metabolism? It's not like i have access to one of those nifty machines that you like breathe into and it actually measures what you're burning. Nooo i get my ESTIMATES from bmrcalculator.org :)

i just plug in my weight (161.. eeeks) and my height (5 foot 7.. so i may be taller than you K) and the calculator spits out the stats i posted.

I'm hoping those estimates are right.. they gotta be somewhat right because i did lose weight last time.

Well today was Eat day.. and i did try to eat like a total Piggy McBingey.. how is it that when i WANT to stuff my face it suddenly becomes hard to? And when my plan calls for fasting I end up pigging out? WTF?

I think most of my calories came from the Oreos. Heh but i did get some healthy.. milk and a TV dinner.. wait do those mass-market TV dinners really count as healthy?

Anyway at 10pm it changed over to fasting.. liquid fasting to be precise. I do allow myself caloric drinks in the forms of milk and my protein shakes. Maybe it's cuz i'm gayelle...or maybe cuz of that rape attempt i fought off.. it's kinda a mix of both actually.. but i do want desperately to protect what little muscle i have.

Besides... I need a proper pair of Dyke Arms xD

And yea I prefer the term gayelle... while "lesbian" does apply i just feel like it's kinda butch for me xD

Yanno it's weird... it's like after doing this intermittent fasting thing that i actually did without knowing it at first... but fasting really does have sooo many benefits.. i'm more sensitive to my body's needs.

In a way.. it's like my intellect has snuck into the ana-thinking... cuz while i am not happy with my body at all... i don't hate it.

I feel sorry for it.

My poor little body didn't ask to be deformed. (i have scoliosis, remember?) it didn't ask to be so flawed and in constant pain. And don't get me started on my thoughts about my weight.. actually do get me started, cuz the inner monologue has gotten funny lately.

"i hate being fat! Fat is soo fucking disgusting!"
"Well guess what? your body hates being fat too! So stop your bitching and HELP!"

xD

If you live in what is called a "first-world" country, then you know what it is like to be surrounded by food. Waistlines are growing at an alarming rate, those of us in the USA are seeing obesity at epidemic levels, and obesity is probably at epidemic levels in other "first-world" countries too. It's like we just don't know when to shut our mouths!

and it costs us sooo much money! we spend $$ to buy junk food that we shove in our mouths.. and then spend yet more $$ on diet pills and special weight-loss belts (those gotta be my fave joke)

But our bodies don't like to be fat. They really don't. Being fat stresses everything... the heart and the liver especially.

So anyway I'm going to attempt to fast from 10pm tonight (about4 hours ago now) to 10pm tomorrow. yea, i might break. There's a reason I chose a humble 30 hours for my first monthly fast. It would actually be an achievement. I've yet to last a full 24. But I'm sleeping for part of this.. jeez!

Ok, I'm out.. either to bed (ha ha) or to drool over a certain someone.

Hmm.. who was it at the tea party who lived in California? i wonder if she'd do a lil hunt for me? Nahh.. I'd never ask that.

I'm innocent 0:)

Well shit... apparently i SHOULD have asked Adeline about restarting Hungry for Change. Before she deleted her blog I commented on it if maybe she could just pass the torch on, and that idea was echoed by a commenter who came after me... but I never got a response. Just a deleted blog that I STILL haven't figured out how to remove from my Following list.

And well... she said she didn't want to do it any longer when she deleted the blog... so of course I didn't think she'd be interested in joining the new one. I honestly didn't think she even wanted to be told about the new one.. that she wanted to leave that part of her journey behind. It never occurred to me that she would consider the entire concept of fasting for causes as HERS.

But it is my opinion that there was a third "person" in the conversation that didn't get a say.. and that was all of us who wanted to be part of the next monthly fast. I had just found the blog and it was already marked for deletion. It made me sad!
Even the idea of archiving past entries was apparently not considered :(

i certainly wasn't trying to hurt her... the blog address I reserved is different.. i didn't try to steal her address. I didn't copy the title. I even said in the first post that it was started by her FANS. I openly said it was an offshoot, like Angel was an offshoot of the Buffy series.

Well obviously the title is going to have to change to something else. I'll also have to figure out how to change the address without deleting and starting over.
it'd be nice if Warner Bros was like me that way... instead they're bumbling ahead with a "Buffy movie" and didn't even ask Joss Whedon.. and have no plans to involve him at all. it'd be nice if they'd at least name it something different, wouldn't they?

But the concept of fasting for causes is a concept as old as religion. And I certainly still intend to aim for my humble 30 hour fast with or without her consent.

And I just discovered that "Hungry for Change" is actually a trademark or something connected with that Food Inc. movie. hrrrm.. guess changing it would be a good idea for a number of reasons, huh?

In conclusion I am sorry I hurt Adeline but it was most unconsciously done and I hope will be of short duration.

But I still submit that the idea behind the blog cannot be copyrighted. The blog of course will be renamed. But we who wish to fast for our causes certainly have the right to do so.

Calorie cycling.... it helped me lose. Yet I got off it. And the loss stopped. And then I gained a bit back. At least I'm not up to the starting weight...at least not yet.
Anyway Gina asked about it and what perfect timing! Cuz I need to redo the counts. I have kept below the weight I first used....barely.
As of @30mins ago I am 161 exact. Starting weight was 173 I think. How do I put my stats in the sidebar?

Anyway.. so if I were resting in a perfect womb-like state where there was no need to move, where tempurature was always perfect, etc... i'd burn between 1485 and 1528cals a day. The light movement like walking to the bathroom/bedroom/computer/kitchen etc brings it to 1781-1834. Now if I would get off my fat ass and exercise, just 1 to 3 days a week, i'd go up to 2041-2101 a day. Sadly, I'm a lazy ass. Hmmm..well damn. Looks like a possible baseline is 1800 again. It's right in the middle of the lazy-movement range. Ehhhh..... 1700 cals/ day baseline. That'll give me a small deficit even on lazy fatass days. I'll just allow some 200 extra calories AFTER a hard workout. Hey I know! When I do get to the gym, since I love the weightroom... afterwards I'll make a real bodybuilder smoothie! I need to find a blender. Milk, protein powder and something extra, ideally a banana abd a bit of peanut butter. Or something. Where am I gonna find good bananas at this time of year? Still.... idea!

So ..cycling... the 2468 diet is actually an example. The cliff notes is that the daily calorie intake is varied..but it has to be wildly varied from day to day. The slight change between, say, 400 and 600 is too small. Might be better to go 200-800-200-800... you'd still have the same total over a period of 4 days. 200 + 400 + 600 + 800 = 200+ 800 + 200 + 800.

Ofc my cal counts are much higher but that's the general idea. Burn days are the low cal days and Eat days are well... eating days! With a baseline of 1700, the Burn days have a limit of 700 but it's ok to be below that. The 700 is a limit, not a mandate. Last time I was often at 400 to 600 for a Burn day even tho the limit was 900. And Eat days are 1800 (or thereabouts). And it's actually better to go a wee bit above the Eat limit rather than below.

I got the idea from this article on a bodybuilder website: http://www.ultimatefatburner.com/every-other-day-diet.html

I took the calorie cycling idea and adapted it. I do a lot of reading on that site, actually. Bodybuilders are great sources of information about nutrition and burning fat. Their ideas just require a bit of tweaking to adapt to my own goals.

Also this time my "days" will go from 10pm to 10pm... I need to accept that I am a night owl from a family of night owls. And 10pm is just a natural changeover time for me.

From sunrise until 10pm tonight my intake was barely 300 so that was a Burn day. So I'm now in Eat day.and I think a big glass of milk sounds damn good.

Oh I should mention that I am still gonna pay attention to protein. On Burn days especially. I like to alternate Burn and Eat but it's always easiest to do a Burn when I work. The running around keeps my mind off food. So especially when I have Burns back to back... high protein. Yay protein powders!

Still flying over Harry Potter. I couldn't believe it was after midnight when we got out O_O but ooooooo epic movie. I really can't praise the acting enough. I was totally sucked in.

I overslept today! Woke up exactly 15 mins before work when my phone's calender chime went off. So didn't eat breakfast. Ummm... oops?
Got my acai drink here. Yanno the taste is actually nice. Like a weak berry koolaid. But it takes so long to dissolve! Stays clumpy! And when it finally does fully dissolve (some 3 hours later) it has a weird slippery texture like watery jello or something. Don't like that.

Been reading that intermittent fasting is beneficial to the body, and not just for weight loss. It reminded me how I've fallen off on my calorie cycling. The plan that helped me drop 10lbs in a month. I've been stuck since then. I think that says something.

No idea if mom's gonna make a dinner tonight or not. If not then I'll go straight to my protein bars. If she does.... well... cross that bridge when (if) I come to it.

Am at work right now, on lunch break. Brought a lil Luna mini 80cals and 11g carbs 4g protein and a good amount of most of the B vitamins. Gonna step the carbs down further tomorrow. Trying to use up the To Go Acai drink mixes ... they keep me alert real well (lots of B12 in them) but ehhh on the taste. Like weak koolaid and it takes forever to dissolve, and when it is dissolved it's more gel-like texture.
Anyway I am gonna bust ass tonight cuz after work I am off to see Harry Potter!! Woot! Other bloggers have posted about how much it rocks. Ofc I read the book already, but movies are usually different and I'm cool with that. Can't wait to see what the movie does with the story material!
..........................................................

OMG HARRY POTTER FUCKING ROCKED!!!
All the actors were at the top of their game. The writing was sooooo much better than in Half-Blood Prince. The Potter kids especially..... soooooo talented. Omg Emma Watson is soooo good. She's beautiful, yes, but also damn talented. I understand if she decides to do something other thanacting, she practically grew up on a movie set, but she's soooooo talented. I'd like to watch her in more movies. Daniel Radcliffe too. Hell all the cast were spot-on. I'm not sure how much I can say... and worried about spoiling the movie for those who haven't seen it. But everyone was spot on! The Weasley twins, Mad-Eye, everyone!! Even those who were only there briefly really gave good performances! Just poured themselves into their roles! The whole movie was EPIC and I am gonna go bonkers waiting for the rest!!

Uuuugghhhnnn... I was in so much pain when I got home today I actually said "fuck the diet" cuz I wanted comfort food so badly. But cookies and chocolate are not painkillers. Tasted great tho. Lindt chocolate is still soooo yummy. I didn't need the chips ahoy tho... unless it's Heath Chips Ahoy then it's not worth a binge. Why did I eat it? Bad Honor!

Currently munching thru one of the Kind bars I got as a sample. To my surprise it only has 14g of carbs. Much less than I thought. 190cals, mostly from fat but of the 14g of fat only 5g is saturated. Kind Fruit & Nut Almond and Coconut flavor... and it tastes like a mass of almonds and shredded coconut held together with lots of honey. It also looks like a mass of almonds and coconut glued together with honey xD you can see the ingredients in the bar itself. Not a ground up and reformed pate processed food brick here! Kind bars are kinda expensive. But I might get a few once in a while as a treat. It took me 20 mins to munch that lil bar and I'm amazed at how full I feel right now.I wish i'd had that bar before the Chips Ahoy. Might have avoided the caloric mistakes.

Before I tore into the Chips Ahoy earlier, I had some Jack Link's Teriyaki Beef Nuggets. Work still doesn't have turkey jerky in so I got the nuggets instead, and they are also very yummy. I'm not even remotely hungry right now. I don't even want chocolate. But do wanna write down that now I have 2 jerky products I like :) so next shopping trip I know what to look for.

And now I'm gonna go meditate on Hungry for Change. Currently I have CAPCHA on and comment moderation off, but after what Gina went thru I'm thinking I should reverse that, have moderation on and the capcha off. To protect the blog from a fattie invasion. Moderating comments isn't really that bad, and since I can get Dashboard on my phone (even tho not all blogs will work on my phone) any comments can be moderated like 5 times a day if the Hungry for Change blog became popular.

The problem is the comment moderation is the only thing I can do from my phone. Can't post pics. Can't do any formatting. Can't even copy-paste. No HTML (as if i'd know what I was doing anyway.) Nothing that requires drag-and-drop. And even if I could get privacy on the computer regularly... I still fail at internets. Poor Starving Artist, she has no idea what she's signed up for xD

Aaaand more calories = more entry cuz editing old posts is damn hard on my phone. Can really only edit short posts. Had a fistful of cashews. About 10g carbs worth.. maybe 12 ungh... so carbs could be as high as 34 right now. I don't get it... the Twisted bars have more calories than the power crunch. 220 vs 210.. and Twisted has 15g protein vs power crunch 13g. So why does power crunch fill me up so much better?

*looks more closely at wrappers*

Oooohhhhhh.... the diff is fat. Twisted has a whopping 22g carbs but only 8g fat and 6g of that is saturated! Ewwwww!! Saturated ick! Power crunch has a paltry 10g carbs but 13g fat, and only 5g is saturated. Ha! Even tho Power crunch has more total fat than Twisted, Power crunch has *less saturated fat* than Twisted. Looking at ingredients...power crunch has a lot of milk-based parts. I guees that's why the sat-fats are so low in comparison to the total.
And nuts are high in (healthy) fats. I guess that's why the cashews worked. Well... mostly worked. I still get the occasional hunger hint but it's ignorable.

And I am totally having a power crunch for breakfast. Yay power crunch!

Hi Gina! Yea sadly randomanorexics.com requires email and website to comment. I tried to hit Post with just a name but the form kept popping up demanding an email and website. I probably should have seen if it would accept false info but eh....if they put their fat ugly mugs in my face, then I'll just rub my weight loss in their fat mugs :)
End of the month is coming. Which reminds me. That I do mean to get Hungry for Change off the ground. Guess i'd best go blog-kick baby sis xD

How funny if the fatties come over just as many of us are getting slimmer. Go ahead and whine, lardasses! WE will ne getting svelte and gorgeous! Try not to let your envy get the best of you.

In other news, once I finish this Twisted bar my cal count will be about 500. Maybe 510.
I was very hungry when I started to slowly slowy eat the Twisted. And yet once again the coating is sufficiently chocolatey, and the pretzels are nice and crisp, but this peanut-flavored-"nougat" is not hugely yummy. The caramel-ish part is nice if you can taste it, but there's not much of it there. And at 22g carbs for a mere 15g protein....ehhhh ... on the bright side it did stop the hunger very quickly. Especially considering it's not a big bar. Only halfway thru and hunger is gone. We'll have to see how long it stays away.

Which reminds me....my last drugstore.com order I checked out their free samples page since sometimes you get to choose your sample. And the only things that caught my eye were the Toms of Maine soap and the Kind almond and coconut food bars. And it read I could choose 2 samples. Well I already had a sample Toms of Maine soap...such a cute itty bitty thing! So I tried to choose 2 Kind bars and it let me. So when the order came I had 2 Kind bars to try..... and also another itty bitty Toms of Maine soap *and* a Schick disposable razor.

I love drugstore.com! Haven't tried the Kind bars yet.. they pure carbs so they're hidden with the chocolate xD

Anyone ever visit randomanorexics.com? The latest post is quite interesting. Seems one of those fatness-is-the-best tpe sites posted a link to a really old randomanorexic blog post and there's been a war of words ever since.
My own comment is awaiting moderation. I mentioned a show How to be Slim (which I think I first learned of from Dylphe's blog) and how one of the diet myths busted was the metabolism myth. The fatter a person is, the *faster* that person's metabolism is.

So anyway, Skinny Lady and Emanciated Lady are being hated on. And yes they are dishing it right back. Still... looks like a fun fight... I dunno sometimes I want to debate. Especially when I'm right! ;)

I have to be at work in a little over an hour. I don't want to go. So tired. Screwed up sleep schedule. Didn't sleep well. I miss having my time be my own. Must focus on how I need $ to replace what I spent. Will probably need a normal breakfast so I can take a 5-hour energy.
So tired. Don't like working in retail. Must focus on how I need any $ even from retail. Still hate retail.
..................................................

Home now. Wow it's cold.
Well...as per usual the restraint left with the sun. Dinner was a chalupa and the last 6 chips ahoy. Grrrrrr bad Honor! Tho all this shivering may burn more off.
My feet are masses of pain. Dunno what my workout will be tonight but I won't be on my poor feet.
And damn it's cold!

At work I had nothing except my protein drink. And the rest of the 5hour energy i'd opened this morning.
Oh and guess what? Got a female co-worker who swings my way and she just mmight be single.
Why is everything either feast or famine?
Do I check out the situation with this coworker (who I do find cute... tho she is overweight) or do I try to strike up a friendship with a girl I've had a secret crush on for years and who might be hetero?
Aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!!!

It's easier to be obsessed with Ronson!

I'm gonna go dig up Kerli's Walking on Air..the video is so trippy. I just hope it loads on my phone.

How the hell does Ronson do it? She lives vampire hours and yet stays so thin!
I can restrict sooooo easy when the sun is up... but once night come Piggy McBingey is on the prowl!
I had only a cup a soup 60cals while sun was up. Then about 9 mom came home...with cake! 2 slices... she had 1 and I had the other. Then that opened the door to the damn Doritos! Just now went down and took my chewable Centrum. At least there's that.

So since I'm already at carbalicious levels, I am thinking of trying that plum organics babyfood.
That's right... my orders have arrived! The duckie tea infuser is larger than I thought it would be and I hope to try it after work tomorrow (sigh...hate work)
Most of the drugstore.com order is more protein stuff...and ofc the babyfood and the Frownies!
You know I gotta review the Frownies. Oooo I've read soooo much about them!
Yanno a dream job for me would be at like Allure mag or something like that. I LOVE trying out beauty products but I can't afford to buy them all!

Anyway so am slowly drinking a babyfood pouch. Plum Organics Baby-organic baby food- sweet potato, corn & apple flavor.it's.... well it's pureed sweet potato, corn and apple. There is a hint of lemon, and I see lemon concentrate on ingredients list. It comes in lil vacumn pouches (just like Buddy Fruits do) and it's 80cals, 19g carbs, of which 12g are sugars (natural sugars I assume) and one lonely gram of protein. It also has 520% daily value of vitamin A. I can only. Hope it's in the form of beta-carotene. Eeks.
I think I prefer my veggies in solid form, but if I ever have oral surgery aga I'm totally going this route. I've had oral surgeries twice in my life and I was miserable each time. Soooo hungry yet unable to really eat anything that satisfied. Why didn't I think of babyfood then? Oh well...live and learn. Anyway these come 6 pouches to a box and I paid 8.99 for the box. I don't remember if that was a sale price or not.
I do still want the Buddy Fruits though. I'm always nervous about ordering from a new website for the first time. my weirdness. But the point is to have a healthy sweet thing around to help me stay off the candy! And where I am the plants are dead for the winter so I have doubts about the freshness of the "fresh fruits" being trucked in from who knows where.

Also, a site called Lchat (tho I wonder how many there are really lesbians) has an interesting and possibly substantiated report that Samantha has been visiting lindsay on the down low in theold people villages around Betty Ford. I suuuuuure hope Samantha knows what she's doing. I don't like it when she gets stuff thrown at her dear little head. I know I know....her head to bruise if she wants to. Her risk, not mine.
I can't help it. I'm a shameless little fan who just wants her safe! Why couldn't she have fallen for someone sane? Are Ellen and Portia the only sane gayelles in LA??
Sigh.

Oh...and my cat's fat ass missed the pan again >x(

Dear Self,
How do you plan on getting to your goal..... 

 ... if you INSIST on being Piggy McBingey on every damn Dorito, Chips Ahoy, sloppy joes etc in the house? Is this word called Control just over your head?

Does not work that way!

I'm sure Samantha would think it's very sexy that she could use just one of my pant legs as a sleeping bag. Her dear twin Charlotte could use the other. How nice.. I can keep my favorite twins safe from the cold with minimal effort.

yea.....

My calves still are tight from last night's work. every time i just walk around i feel them stretching a bit. it's like they can't be stretched often enough.
too bad... gotta do more tonight. because of those Doritos and Chips Ahoy and sloppy joes and assorted SHIT. At least i did get a Centrum in me in the midst of all that garbage.

the pants i wore for motivation need washing, but i did find a pair of jeans that are older, and tighter. Thing is.. they fit my thighs and ass just fine.. it's the damn belly! Apple shapes are sooo anoying! I almost have a gap in my thighs.. they touch sooo lightly.. but this damn gut hangs over the waistband! I look pregnant!

And if I am pregnant then God must want a daughter.. cuz i have never had sex with a man.

Also.. i still have periods.. so it would really be a miracle pregnancy xD

So this is fat. I want it gone. I really want it gone. So wtf with my sudden lack of willpower? Grrr.

Bad fat bad fat, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when i come for you...

(and i really wish i could figure out how i managed to get the words on the side of the pic like i did in an older post. no idea how it happened but i like that look and wish i could do it again)

Edit: Hi Invisible Ninja! :D  I seeee youuuuuu

second edit: from Samantha's twitter: I heart Tina Fey http://tinyurl.com/396tcw2
and i heart Tina too :) especially for THAT. Fuck PBS!!! of course they censored Tina for political reasons! 

Fucking triggering. I guess I should be happy that mommie dearest has made it so easy to not eat the dinner she cooked. I tagged along to her water aerobics class. It was nice. I would have preferred more legwork. A lot more leg work, but eh.
But what does she talk about on the way home?
That fucking "church". Two of the bigots who started that fight have officially left. It wasn't enough that the majority voted to make me a second class citizen. That the "church" that baptized me refused to celebrate with me if I found someone to share my life with.

So I am very unhappy. I came up to my room and have another body fortress scoop.also tried the south beach bars. South Beach Living protein fit -peanut butter flavor. Is very good. 140cal 17g carbs (of which 3g are fiber and 3g are sugar alcohols..sugar alcohols make me gassy but it's only 3) and 8g protein. Only 8g? Yea... but it does taste really good, I thinkso anyway. Very peanut buttery. I guess I'll consider it a diet friendly candy bar? I dunno... but I will probably get them again.

And the thing is...while that whole fight's been going on I'm not supposed to say anything because I might cause division. What the fuck? So I'm not even allowed to give my side? Nope.

.so I don't want to think about it. I think I'll do some legwork.

At least I feel accepted here. We all need somewhere where we feel accepted.

What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Doing. UP?!?
Still have not slept. Damn screwed up sleep schedule. I messed my circadian rhythyms up good. (Also not sure of my spelling here. Don't tell Samantha!) Wow I need sleep. Sigh. Not gonna help my sleeping get back on track.
Tho I am nervous about sleeping when I still have 7oz of protein drink left. I used a full scoop of Body Fortress. And only the Body Fortress. No greens this time.
And I like it. But I gotta guard it against flies! Damn the flies!
And wow one of the cats just dropped a warhead in the bathroom. Can't even tell I changed the litterpan last night!
...................................

Ok dragggggging right now. Trying to stay awake to get back on decent sleep schedule.
Anyone know how to stop following a deleted blog? How do you stop following when there's no Follow link at the top? The original Hungry for Change is totally gone and I can't figure out how to get it off my blog list.
And ofc the google help files were distinctly NOT helpful!

Anyway gonna go watch Super Slim Me (not super skinny me) cuz it helps me rev up.
Dawn is funny to me and even tho it's not a pro-ana show...I really appreciate the honesty. It is hard to be at restaraunts. It is hard to stay low calorie.
And the honesty I really like... debbie i-cant-spell-her-last-name it is hard to stay small and the skinnier girls really do get more parts, more respect, more opportunities.
And the self-serving doublespeak of the designers who claim they want their models to be healthy. They don't give a shit! They just want the models to LOOK a certain way... glowy skin but they don't care how skinny the models are and designers certainly don't care about how the models stay that skinny.
And I always laugh at the line over how Rachel Zoe made a name for herself by turning "little-known starlets... like lindsay lohan" into size 0 icons. This was released in 2007 I think post-Mean Girls and someone from Britain called her a little-known starlet. It makes me wonder what the enteertainment industry really thinks of her. I mean when people are asked about her they tend to stroke her ego something fierce. But maybe that's only in the insane asylum called Hollywood?
Anyway I like the show.

Still waiting for my next drugstore.com order to arrive. You know I gotta do a review on the Frownies xD

Piggy piggy! I fail at fasting. Broke down around 6 with an atkins bar. Was dissapointed but I could deal with a single atkins bar. Then at @ 10 it was .... the last 2 slices of pizza >_<
Plus milk. Oops.
Just now. 130am a power crunch bar and a dark chocolate soynut pack. At least I'm back on thee good foods... sigh.
But I did stay off the computer today and I didn't spend any more money.
...
...
Yet.
I do need to find some flypaper. I have these random straggler tiny flies that look like fruit flies only what could they be eating??
Weeks ago I found a cherry limeade cup that had some lime in it (oops) but I found it and tossed it weeks ago.and while the fly population shrunk damn fast... I'm still randomly getting 1 or 2 hanging around. And they got into my cleanse drink this morning! Ewwwwwwwww! I was not hungry for several hours but then I went back to omnomnom monster.
And I wanna kill these flies! That's MY drink dammit!

Oh... and since I just finished reading another's post on sexuality.. I feel inspired!

It's simple and quick....I grew up dating boys just cuz I thought that's what girls did. But when I had sex dreams of women...and woke up in orgasm...I thought maybe my subconscious was. Trying to tell me something xD

What really pisses me off is that I don't have those nice dreams anymore. It's like once I got the message it was "ok, message received...no need to do orgasm dreams anymore"
Wtf grrrrrrrrrrr.........................

Maybe I should have slept first? Cuz... well sh*t.
Back up to 161.4 and gee whose fault is it? Grrrr....

Oh hai poor-girl cleanse... will you help me resist the peetza?

Yanno...I think Samantha might be an apple shape too.she's had such skinny legs since high school but I do have a few photos that show a tiny belly. As in a small rounded belly... like a (much much) smaller version of my potbelly.

A d thanks Dylphe for ginger info on last post :)

And maybe if I ask real nice akca (I know I screwed that spelling up..bad memory) can give a quick paypal for dummies lesson? Please please *big puppy eyes*

Edit: so paypal is basically one of those prepaid credit/debit cards? Sounds like it functions as one.
What's the funds transfer fee?

Also- weight now 160.8 after 8 hour sleep. So yes, sleep matters.

I just wish I got my 8 hours earlier. Woke up at 2pm! Wtf! It's like the sleep clock doesn't count until after my 10am alarm goes off! Very frustrating! Well no computer today. I do work! Got only 4 days left of vacation and my floor is a mess! Gym is open on sundays but only for a fewhours. So I basically missed it. I won't get there in time. Drat. I miss their showers. And the weight room.

Gonna try to fast today. See if it's noticed. I'm an adult so no one can force me but I do hate conflict. That's my biggest problem. Dunno if it counts as a true fast tho since I intend to take my protein shakes. I do want to protect my muscle as much as I can. I'll even use milk. I have no casein powder but casein proteins naturally occur in milk, and I read that dairy calcium slows the absorbtion of fat. So some whey powder in a bit of milk is good for my goals.

Gah! Gack! Ack!
I need to burn my credit cards and glue my mouth shut! What a total fail of a day!.
The protein shake did rock... but when dinnertime finally came and I was actually hungry again.... ma got pizza! 3 meat pizza! I had 3 cheesy fatty greasy slices! With ranch doritos. At least I had milk instead of pop! And then the chips ahoy? Fail fail fail!

And that's not all. Oh no. I blew another $60 on drugstore.com AND I bought those rubber duckie tea infusers. And when I saw the shipping cost was a flat rate... I decided to order 3! Maybe I'll send one to Ms Ronson? I vaguely remember her mentioning a tea place on twitter or something, but I think she prefers iced tea. I know she's not much a coffee fan.

And on. Drugstore.com I got some plum organics babyfood to try (yea I'm gonna go there... I'm curious) and after I hit Purchase I noticed that I could have gotten a discount if i'd ordered more. Gah!
I also got another can of the chocolate Aria. I guess my subconcious likes it. Or my brain is malfunctioning.
Also picked up a bar of Lava soap. I swear... ever since I got off birth control... I have such a b.o. problem. I start smelling like onions right out of the shower. Not even 2 minutes. I got Degree, Secret, various Clinical Protection versions. Antibacterial soap. Even started wiping the underarms with rubbing alcohol. Lava soap is supposedly super heavy duty. Ingredients looks like it's got pumice in it. Well it'll be good for exfoliating if nothing else. And it was cheap.

But I really need to *stop spending money dammit*.

Oh.. I also got some Frownies xD even got the lil "rose water" bottle that Frownies claims to work best with.
All this $$ spent and I didn't even get the Buddy Fruits yet! Bad Honor!!

So yea...I'm pissed at myself for a number of reasons. I also did a bit of reading on that master cleanse... and I don't think there' much science behind it. Maple syrup is just a natural sugar, probably to cut the sour taste of the lemon. Lemon does fuck all. The cayenne does have some science. It does give a short, temporary calorie-burn boost, small one.. and water is obviously a good thing. Ofc the master cleanse guy is all about getting the *right* maple syrup etc... which he just so happens to sell. Scam?
Anyway I do like the idea of a cleanse. And some foods do have anti inflammaory properties and antioxidants etc. I just don't think the master cleanse is worth a penny.
My poor-girl cleanse is half a Go Greens packet with honey, cinnamon and a pinch of chili powder in water. Dunno if my chili powder has cayenne (doesn't say) but it does give me a lil kick. Placebo effect? Maybe. I just know that those pants are tighter than they were last night and this drink seems to help me.
Btw I looked up Detox #2 from pressedjuicery that Ronson is doing and it's pineapple, pear, ginger and mint. I do remember reading about the ginger (something about easing digestion) the pineapple and the mint, but no clue about the pear.
Sounds like it would taste a damn sight better than the master cleanse!